SoVerySad

As well you should be proud, SB! This is great news to read. I'm glad your big change is starting out so well for you. I'll bet his positive experience will help your others with the transition as well. So glad to hear good things are happening for you! Tight hugs...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Mizpah. Your posts are always so thoughtfully and honestly constructed which really benefits the rest of us. I hope the actual anniversary date goes as well as possible for you. Tight hugs...

Hello to my sweet 3 year gang! You literally have been the wind beneath my wings for these past 3 years. I've not managed to take actual flight again yet, but you've kept me standing. I appreciate all of you more than words can say. CBB, big, tight, but gentle hugs to you, honey. You truly have been through so very much. Like someone else mentioned, when I don't hear from people, I hope they are just doing better in life. Please let us know when you're struggling over anything, not just grief. We've formed a bond now and I care very much about so many of you. If I can help in any way, I want to be there for you. I've been off the forum as I've taken the kids away for a few days to the beach. I'm sorry I didn't get to respond to your post sooner. Hugs to each of you dear pillows...

Oh, Jess, I am so sorry. I know how much you love your dogs. I also get it when you say it is like losing another connection to your husband. Sending you love and tight, tight hugs!!

Trust me, nonesuch, they definitely cost more than $1000 per year. I have two, so I know of which I speak. I was just using the $1000 as a simplified example. I probably spend more than that on my daughter's music program participation costs alone per year. Worth every penny I spend on them, of course... most days.

This makes me so happy for her and all of you who love her!! Blessings to her donor and his or her family for this most precious gift. She is a beautiful sight, for sure!

Africa, huh? Ay yi yi (I have no idea how that should be spelled). You can't make this stuff up, can you? LOL! More hugs!!

Well, then, on your end you should have your guy file the amended return. It will be your sister's issue to determine if she actually had enough expenses on top of the SS check to claim her as a dependent. I'm sorry you'll have to deal with the fallout from his error. I'm guessing it will likely hold up her refund, if she is waiting on one, until your amended return is sent. Sometimes it feels like nothing is easy, doesn't it? More hugs...

Thank you all. I start next week. I'll keep your contributions in mind. I'll be having just returned from a trip to the beach, so I'm hoping that maybe I can clear my head with a little time spent in the salt air and be more relaxed and ready to start. Hugs to each of you!!!

PJ, Did you pay for any expenses for your daughter last year? It sounds like you had your sister receiving the SS Survivor's check for her, but did you pay for any expenses for your daughter? I'm thinking I remember your sister asking you to pay for things for your daughter at one point, even though she was receiving the SS $. If I understand correctly, your sister can only claim your daughter as a dependent if she can show that your daughter's SS check did not cover at least half the expenses she paid for her for the year. This is from TurboTax from the qualifications to claim a child as a dependent: The child must not have provided more than half of his or her support for the year. So as a simple example, if your daughter received $1000 in SS income for the year, your sister would have to have be able to prove she paid over $1000 for her care from her (your sister's) own funds to be able to claim her. Here is more info from TurboTax: https://ttlc.intuit.com/questions/1894472-who-is-a-dependent It is a potentially complicated issue if you were paying for things for your daughter in addition to the SS check your sister received and she was not paying for things in addition to the SS check in amount double to the check. I think I have that correct, but frankly my head is a mess right now, so I may not have described it correctly. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable can add to this. I'm guessing that you need to figure out exactly who can claim her and then either you or your sister or perhaps both of you may need to file amended returns. I'm sorry, as I know your sister can be pretty hard on you. Just try to ask her to calm down until you guys can get it figured out. Hugs...

So glad you ladies had good nights!!

It hurts, especially when you need people the most. I remember wracking my brains wondering what I might have done to turn people away. All I can think of is that I was really sad and probably kind of depressing to be around. Given that I really couldn't change that at the time as I was trying my best to wear my mask, etc, I've reached the conclusion that it is what it is. I can't spare any energy for worrying about that and like you I have no tolerance for playing games. I will say that while I have only a few people I can really talk to now, they are very special to me. Hugs to you...

So I finally was able to find a counselor with openings in my area. I take my son to counseling, but haven't ever done it myself. I'm looking for advice on how a control freak approaches counseling. I honestly believe all that I've been through should have completely wiped out my control issues in teaching me that I only can control very little, but it hasn't. I like having a plan, etc. You all can appreciate how the plans I had worked so hard to put into place with my husband have been blown to bits. Should I be trying to plan for this first visit - to anticipate questions, etc.? I'm pretty desperate for this to help. Should I make a list so I can think clearly when I go? I've been seeing a Psychiatrist to manage my meds, but that is all he does. We've done very little talking. I am usually only in his office for 10 - 15 mins tops. Sigh... anxiety sucks when you feel so anxious that you are fretting so much about what is supposed to be a helpful experience. Any advice would be appreciated.

I really hope you are right and it is more just how I am feeling affecting how I see myself. Tatiana, I actually let my 16 year old daughter make the final decision on the frames as I just wanted to get out of there quickly. Hopefully I'll like them. BTW, I've had to go only with waterproof mascara due to the crying issue. Otherwise it would have been pointless to put on at all. Hugs to you all...

I've never been a huge fan of pictures of myself, but have especially shied away from them since T died. Pictures of the kids and me just look so strangely incomplete now. Anyway, I went to get new glasses last week. I am really almost blind without my glasses, so picking out new frames is always hard since I can't see how I look in them. So I had my daughter take pictures of me with her cell phone with frames on so I could see them. I was honestly horrified to see those pictures of myself. I look in the mirror every day to get ready, put on makeup, do my hair, etc, but I guess I really don't see myself (well, I often have my glasses off then as well). But, oh those pictures. How unsettling to really look at me. I'm not speaking from the standpoint of beauty. I've never been a beauty, but hey I'm alright (nod to my favorite Springsteen song) was fine with me. Then I met T and he made me feel beautiful. I'm speaking of just how haunted and listless I look. Not really even so much older (thank you hair dye), but just so beat down, dark circles, and no sign of sparkle at all. I truly hardly recognized myself and had a hard time keeping it together to finish picking out my frames. I made my daughter delete the pictures right away. I can't imagine what people must think when they look at me. Apparently the mask I've been using isn't doing its job very well.

Our death certificates here say it is unlawful to copy them, IIRC, but I also found that several places I went to in person took my original and made a copy of it then gave the original back to me. I have changed/removed his name from everything except one account. I admit I love still seeing our names listed together when I get the monthly statement, so I've just needed to keep that one last one as is. I know from an ID theft perspective it isn't the smartest choice, but it's the only one I have left with our names together.

That's great, imissdow. It will be nice to see you again. I hope the readying for your move is going well.

Hugs to you, BH2. Your original post completely resonated with me. I never dreamed I'd still feel so lost after 3 years. I'm as exhausted as if I've just been treading water the past 3 years. In some ways, I guess I have. More hugs...

My son had brain surgery 6 years ago. I took an adult coloring book and colored pencils with me. I colored my way through the wait for his surgery. It kept me sane, especially when his surgery took several hours longer than anticipated due to his waking up during surgery. I haven't retried it since my husband died, but if it will help my concentration and focus, I will need to try it again. Thank you for the suggestion.

Thank you all for your support and understanding. I appreciate it more than I can say. Hugs...

Thank you guys for the support and understanding. But I can officially say now that it was definitely stupid to wait. I submitted them at 11:37 pm, way too close to midnight for my comfort. Lots of snags I didn't anticipate, etc.. But they are done. It is a comfort to know I'm not the only one who puts things off, though.

the pain our kids go through which we can't fix. I know I have to accept that I can't change their new reality and just do as much I can to soften the edges where I can. But it completely sucks. We had an incident this weekend where my daughter was invited to a friend's family gathering (bonfire/cook-out). While there, she apparently became completely overwhelmed by being with that complete family enjoying themselves so much all together, etc.. That made her remember how we used to be that family. She felt like she was going to start sobbing, which gave her a panic attack. She was afraid to ruin their fun by crying, so she decided to go for a walk in the dark without telling anyone to try to get herself under control. They noticed her missing and a big search ensued, etc.. The family was really nice about it when they brought her home early. Of course, we talked it through, about her feelings and better choices she could have made, etc.. She said, in this painfully small voice, "I just don't want to be the sad girl that no one will want to be friends with or be pitied". I've had her words replaying through my head many times since she said them. And I get it so much. I don't want to be the widow that everyone shies away from either. And the kicker is she used to be known as the giggly girl. She has a hearty laugh and every time I hear it now, it literally makes me stop for a second to savor the sound. I think sometimes we might underestimate how much our kids utilize their own masks and how tiring it becomes for them as well. Knowing my kids are hurting is worse than my own hurt.

First, hugs to you, Virgo!!! Now my confession, I just started doing my taxes an hour ago. This is my first year that I have to stop claiming married or qualifying widow. I don't want to give up my married part of my identity. I still feel married, wear my rings, feel connected to my husband, but everything official wants to reclassify me before I'm ready to do it. So, I've held off out of...protest? Stupid I know, because now I'm down to the wire. Sigh...

I wish you were closer. I would go with you for support if you wanted. It is good that you had your husband's input on the plan, but I'm sorry you now you have to be the one to carry it out without him. At our Pediatrician's office, they always give us an information sheet for each vaccination listing potential side effects which would be normal to expect and those which would be of concern. If you explain your worry to them, I'm sure they'd willing to take a few minutes to review them with you in detail so you feel a little more secure. Our Peds office also has a 24 hour nurse line. See if yours has something like this available or find out while you are there what you should do if you see any adverse effects. It is very rare for babies to have unexpected adverse effects, but hopefully it will help you feel a little better if you have a plan for what to do in the rare event you would need to. I think all new moms worry about this. Your worry is reasonably heightened due to the unexpected loss of your husband. I know I worry about my kids much more than I already did since losing my husband unexpectedly (and I was already a pretty neurotic mom, so I'm probably seeming over the top to my teens, but we feel how we feel). Our Peds office also has this cold, numbing spray they can spray on before they give the injections so it supposedly hurts less. Since my kids were both adopted, they weren't here when they received their first vaccinations, so I'm not sure if they use the spray for babies as young as yours. I will say in our experience the nurses are very experienced and take care of doing them quickly and with your baby's comfort in mind. Sending you and your sweet baby tight hugs of support...

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Nicole. The pain in the early months is excruciating. I remember reaching the one month mark and feeling incredulous that my body had actually survived the tremendous onslaught of pain. It really does require a one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, approach. Like you, I had to avoid music for many months after my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. It was hard, because music was always a haven of comfort for me. Suddenly I couldn't bear it. I'm glad to let you know that with time, I've been able to enjoy music again. Even songs we shared a great love for bring me a bittersweet comfort now. I just passed the 3 year mark. I can say the pain becomes different - not as completely devastating. I do have times of enjoyment and laughter again. I haven't reached what I would call happiness yet, but I definitely have more hope that I will get there someday than the first year. I still miss and love my husband. I'm just doing my best each day to keep working my way towards more happiness. This forum has some truly wonderful people who are here to offer you support and encouragement as we know how deeply it hurts. Sending you a tight hug...