SoVerySad

I do understand that you are taking it personally, which is completely understandable because it is personal to you. I imagine that being deliberately excluded magnifies the loneliness you feel for your wife. I'm really hoping you can work something out where you don't have such ongoing turmoil on top of your grief, because the grief is hard enough. More hugs...

It sounds perfect, SB. I'm so happy for you and your terrific kids! Happy hugs...

What a lovely story! It does feel good to reach of point of remembering things with a smile sometimes instead of always with tears, doesn't it? I have never heard of a phone bar before.

Squidley, I read an article a few years ago that has stayed with me ever since. It was written by a former heroin addict who had been off it for 7 years. He said he still thought about it every single day and that he felt certain that at some point in the future he would fall back into using again. The pull was that strong. He said he would feel sick for 23 hours of a day just to get that one hour of high from the heroin. I've shared his story several times with my teens, begging them to please never try it. The addiction must be terrible. You did the right thing by not allowing it around your daughter. I'm sorry he couldn't find his way away from it permanently. Tight hugs...

Thank you all. He had another episode of his heart rate being high again this evening when we went for Easter dinner at my in-laws. He loves going there, so I don't think it was panic/anxiety related. I thought we might be headed to the ER again, but it went back down. It would be good if someone could put us both in a sleep spell until Thursday. Maureen, I hope your moratorium will come true. Again, thanks for the hugs and support.

No, it definitely isn't fair. I hope your move goes well for you. It is a lot to handle what two used to do, so it is important to give yourself slack. Take care of the have-tos (taking care of yourself & your pets, paying bills, working if employed) and then do as much of the others as you can manage. Some days you might not manage anything but that and that will be fine. Other days you'll accomplish more. I've learned that dust will wait until you are ready to deal with it. Use paper plates for a little, etc.. if that helps. Simple things like that help a little. Take any help your friends offer. Sending you tight hugs...

Torn, I've been thinking about your post all day trying to think what to write in response. First, sending you a tight hug. If we were closer, I would have been happy to invite you for dinner with my family. I'm sure the situation with your family is very hurtful. This is just my suggestion. I think you need to do what is best for you right now. You are still grieving too much over the loss of your wife to be expending precious energy you don't have on all the negativity. Although my situation wasn't nearly as toxic as yours, I had some great disappointments with lack of support from my family. In the end, I realized I couldn't change them. I could only change my expectations and how I allowed my hurt and disappointment to affect me. I know you are in a complicated situation. Some questions you may want to think about: Are you dependent upon your daughter and SIL living with you for physical or financial support? If not, can you meet with them and set some ground rules for continuing to live with you? Can you let them know that their actions are upsetting and disrespectful and you don't intend to continue your current living situation as it is? If you are dependent on them for physical or financial support, is there another way available to meet those needs, so you could be okay without them living with you and causing you the stress it seems to cause you? Can you check for community resources that may fill in what you are getting from them? Can you make a pros/cons list and try to figure out if their continuing living with you is best for you? If you think it is, can you try to talk to them about how you are feeling and try to clear the air to allow for less stress? If you think it isn't, can you ask them to leave? Would you want to? Do you think their leaving would benefit your relationship in the long run? I realize how hard it is to think clearly when you are grieving. I believe that you need to do your best to make some kind of change so that you aren't having ongoing additional misery added into your life, but only you can decide what the change needs to be. Change is scary, even when it is for the best. I'm not suggesting any change would be easy, but I think it is in your best interest to start moving your life in a direction that will lead you to more peace. Sending more hugs...

Kenneth, There is nothing to be embarrassed about with breaking down. This is a very hard experience. I think the crying is necessary to let some of the pain out. It is too much to keep in. The grocery store has been a crying trigger for many of us. Do try to keep drinking water. I was having issues with my blood pressure dropping low. My MD told me I was really dehydrated. I didn't realize crying so much can actually cause dehydration. I pretty much ate only yogurt, cottage cheese, peanut butter, crackers, or fruit for the first few months. Try to find something easy and just eat when you can. It is awful that when we are going through the worst experience of our lives, we don't have our spouses here to help us through it. Keep reaching out and we'll support you as best we can. Sending more hugs...

Guaruj, That sounds like about as beautiful of a day one in our situation can make. It is so sweet of you to leave the candy for your MIL. Hugs...

Thank you and the same to you and everyone else. Easter was the first holiday we faced after my husband died. For those in a similar situation, I'm sending you tight hugs of support.

Good for you! My husband was our IT person as well. I've slowly figured out some things. Right now I'm stuck on installing my printer on the laptop I bought months ago. It keeps almost getting there, then stops. Argh! I also can't attach Word docs, etc. to emails for some unknown reason. It sounds like you did learn a lot from your husband. I was lost at some of the language in your post. I can understand the feeling of sadness that you felt along with your pride. If you change your mind about being IT master, I think you should think about being a writer. I've noticed your gift for masterfully using imagery in your posts.

who is 17 had another episode of his heart racing yesterday. We have an appointment with a Pediatric Cardiologist coming up Thursday. It can't come soon enough as I am beside myself with worry and trying with all my might not to show it. When we went for his counseling appointment this week, he talked about how afraid he is of death. So afraid that he or I or his sister will die. It was heartbreaking. A 17 year old young man should not be so focused on death. It hasn't helped that in his Literature class he's been reading novels back to back dealing with death and even in his History class he's been reading The Jungle. My father has Stage IV cancer as well and we recently had to put our cat to sleep. I want him to be young and care-free and unaware yet of how much life can really suck at times. I keep reminding him he has a lot of happy times to look forward to in his life as well. He's going to the movies with friends tonight, so he is doing things he enjoys, etc.. I just feel so sad he has this worry about death at his age, I guess. I feel sad for all our kids in that respect.

I'm glad to read your update. Making those calls to settle things is so hard. I had to limit myself to one per day, because it was so hard to tell the story of why I was calling. I can understand not wanting to be considered a charity case or feel like others are pitying you. That said, I hope you can see that your situation doesn't make you any less strong than you were. You've been put into an extremely difficult and sad circumstance, so you are being challenged in ways you never were before. Of course you feel beat down right now. That is understandable and to be expected. My heart breaks for you, not in any sense of pity, but in the sense that you're going through such a sad loss at what should be one of the best times of your life. I wish you didn't have to be. Sending you hugs...

Squidley, I am so sorry for the loss of your love. I was also raised by my grandparents, so they were my parents in every sense of the word. I adored and loved them so much. They both also died and losing them was really hard. Those losses weren't nearly as hard as the loss of my husband, though, so I really understand when you say this loss is like none of your other losses (which have been so many at your young age). It is upsetting to read that his mom is making things even more difficult for you. I'm sorry for the extra hurt she is adding. Of course, having your daughter is a blessing. She is so beautiful, BTW. She will be your reason to keep going on, but others won't understand that she can't take the place of your Camron. He held his own place in your heart and life. You deserve the time to grieve his loss and for each person that time is different. Try not to let others' ideas of how you should be feeling or moving on affect you. They can't understand as they weren't and aren't living your life. I'm glad you found this forum, although it always saddens me to know another has had a reason to join us. It really has been a lifeline for me. I hope you will find comfort here as well. For now, just take things a day or even an hour if needed at a time. Hold onto that beautiful little girl and try to take care of yourself. You can do this. I didn't think I could at first either, but I did. We'll be here to help you. Sending you a tight hug...

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Aaron. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly as well. I remember when I reached the one month milestone, I was shocked I had actually survived a whole month. I couldn't imagine a person could survive living through such pain. I'm so sorry for the trauma you went through that day and all the hurt since. As others have said, being part of this forum has been such a blessing for me. I've been able to connect with others who understand it is a loss like no other in all the ways big and small your life is changed. We are here for you, so please reach out when you need us. Sending you a tight hug...

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I also was lucky enough to have a spouse and best friend I was inseparable from. While I am grateful for every minute we spent together, living without him has been so excruciating and bewildering. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. This forum (and its predecessor) has been a very real lifeline for me. I hope you can find comfort and support here as well - from people who understand because they've experienced the loss of their spouses as well. Sending you hugs...

Sending you love and hugs...

Adding my belief in your ability to do this. I hope the triggered emotions can be offset by you focusing on the kindness you are showing in helping with the service. I'm sure it means a lot to her. If you need some encouragement to get you thru, you can pm me, okay? Sending love and tight hugs...

Thank you for the suggestions, Kater. I'm hoping doing this will reverse my current trend of preferring to stay home by forcing myself to go out. Since I enjoy helping others, hopefully it will be successful.

I have definitely experienced most of those physical/mental issues. The hardest symptom for me to deal with is the memory/concentration/focus issues. I have become increasingly concerned as they aren't getting better as my Psychiatrist said they should with my medication. I used to do dementia evaluations and remembered that we started out each eval telling the patient 3 words to remember. I decided that instead of my normal routine now of writing everything down, I would try to remember the 3 things I wanted to talk to the Psychiatrist about when I went last week. The night before my appt I repeated them to myself several times, did so again upon waking, did so again on the drive there. Once I was in his office, I could only remember two of the issues I wanted to discuss with him. On the drive him the third issue came to me- it was my concern over my memory/concentration issues not getting better. I just had to chuckle over that one rather than cry.

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, support, and hugs. It really has meant a lot to me today and reinforced I have more support than I realize, which I am grateful for. I made it thru the day fairly well, as did our children. I decided to finally take some "me" time to get my hair cut and colored. It was months overdue and I've been embarrassed to go out anywhere. I almost broke into tears as the stylist was rinsing the dye from my hair. She was stroking my hair and massaging my scalp. It brought back the memories of how T would do that when I was under stress or had a headache. I would place my head on his lap and he would massage my head out of the mess it was in. It is those little things that can still slay you when you realize how much you miss them. I was able to hold back the tears, thankfully. I didn't want the stylist to think she had hurt me in some way. Thank you all again!!

MonyC, When I saw the username as a new member, I wondered if it was you. It is good to hear from you. We are very close in timeline, as my T died 3 years ago today. I have thought about you from time to time, along with others that lost our lives in that same timeframe. I'm still struggling as well, so I understand. I'm glad you found your way back to us. Sending you a tight hug...

my best friend, soulmate, love of my life husband of 27 years died suddenly and unexpectedly. I still love and miss him deeply every day and mourn the fact that he isn't here to finish raising our children together. They are missing out on so much richness in their lives. Even after 3 years, I still feel married, still wear my wedding rings. It is hard to explain to others. I was thinking this morning about how weird I thought he was when I first met him. No attraction at all. I remember him telling me one evening I was working a split shift that I was going out with him and his friends instead of going home. I distinctly remember saying, "I am not going anywhere with you." I was such a snot. I have no idea why, but he was persistent and kept asking me to go out with his friends and him on several other occasions. I finally agreed one evening hoping it would get him to stop asking me. Instead, it was the beginning of the most amazing friendship that eventually led to an amazing romance and marriage. That guy who I wanted nothing to do with became the man it has been almost completely unbearable to be without for these past 3 years. I'm going to do my best today to focus on all the incredible times we spent together - how he made me laugh, made me think, helped me grow, was my constant supporter, and showed me deep and abiding love every day.

Sending you tight hugs, Linda. I know we are on the same timeline as tomorrow is 3 tears since T died. It must be very hard to have 2 days as you do. On the recovery question, I agree with Portside that there are so many unique circumstances it can't be generalized. I also think that perhaps over time our idea of recovery can morph more into integration, which is what I am hoping for. I do think the hurting and missing them will always be there to some degree. I'm sorry you are hurting so right now. Sending love and more hugs...

Anniversaries are hard. I hope you will enjoy your dinner. I usually try to have a nice dinner with our children on our anniversary, because I still want to recognize what an important day it was in my life. Sending you hugs...