SoVerySad

I'm so very sorry, missing you. How terribly sad and unfair for you to be facing widowhood a second time. Sending you a tight hug...

Sending you tight hugs! It sounds like he was a really wonderful man- the type of person it is very hard to live without because not only was he your love, he was really inspiring to you as well. That is how my husband was. The world overall feels a little darker, because his light is missing. I'm so sorry your husband can't still be here. More hugs...

I'm sorry, TS. I know how much work you put into it. I would feel totally pissed to have received a response which indicated she hadn't even given your full profile due consideration. I don't even know what to say other than that completely sucks and I'm sending you love and support. Oh how I hope it gets approved despite her. Tight hugs...

No, Jen, you are not wrong at all in thinking you need something more than your kids. My life completely revolves around my kids right now. It is what has kept me going since T died. But I know I have to find more, something for me. Not just because I deserve it, but more so because I feel it will be an unfair burden for my children to end up being/feeling responsible for my happiness. I'm sure hearing your son say those words hurt deeply. I am equally sure that in another 10 years from now, he's going to appreciate that you've found something for yourself, rather than be focused solely on him. I still fully believe you will find more, because you are terrific. I wish I could tell you when. Let's keep holding on together, okay? BTW, 5 degrees in very impressive. You all who have been able to continue schooling since the loss of your spouses amaze me. My concentration and memory still haven't recovered, let alone my drive. Good job! Love and tight hugs....

Fuchsiasky, I also have a pillow that is covered with one of my husband's shirts. Sometimes I pull it out when I go to bed and rest my head on it as I used to rest my head on his chest, close my eyes, and just spend time remembering.

Sending you hugs, Lost. I understand how sometimes we just need to declare how weary we are where someone gets it. I don't see a bit of your post as complaining. Perhaps since T died, my definition of the word complaining has changed. I now view it as something people (including myself) complain about that seems so insignificant in comparison to the harsh realities of the life I lead now. For example, I might complain about having to call several times between my MD and pharmacy to get a prescription filled under my new insurance. Something that should have been simple made ridiculously complicated, frustrating yet complaining about a small thing without any lasting repercussions. I hope you'll view posting here about the difficulties of widowhood as sharing, not complaining. For many of us, this or conversations with our fellow wids is the only opportunity we have to be real about our lives - to turn off the pretenses that take so much effort to maintain. There is an immensely comforting reaction that comes from simply being able to openly say this sucks and have others let you know they get it. We do, and we care about you, so please share whenever you need to. More hugs...

I'm guessing the term people use comes from what they've heard others use or what is common locally. My in-laws always say their son passed away. It is commonly used in this area. I said it at first as well, mainly because it was very hard for me to say the actual word that he had died. Then I decided to force myself to use the term died, so that I worked toward acknowledgment of it. It still hurts to use any term now, but I mostly say he died. I don't really have an issue with any term people use. Passed away works for me, because I believe he did pass from this realm away to another realm where his soul still exists. Lost works for me as well as I guess I tie it to loss. I still feel the loss of him from my life every day. I agree that none of these terms seem significant enough to recognize the impact of the person no longer being here. I'm not even sure adequate words exist that could express that in a shortened manner. To those of us left here to carry on without them, the result is devastating.

Sending you tight, tight hugs, Amy. I'm so glad you got those precious last few hours together. It seems like those moments replaced the need for a lot of words to set things right. You both realized the love you shared was stronger than your struggles. More hugs...

Sending you tight hugs, J. I always relate so well to your posts. The time issue has been a big one for me. Next month will be 3 years since T died. I also couldn't believe I would survive the first one. Like you, earlier in my grief each day was soooo excruciatingly long. Time has definitely sped back up for me again, which makes me so grateful. I'm not beyond active grieving yet either, but I do believe I can do this now. I just have to find ways to add more purpose and happiness to my life other than my kids. My happiness cannot be a burden for them to be responsible for. Congrats to your daughter on her audition. How exciting. I sending positive thoughts her way. More hugs...

My husband did not want a funeral service. I went against his wishes, because I felt his parents really needed it. It was a celebration of life and far from traditional, as in we opened it with T's favorite song, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from Monty Python. We had many times of laughter during the service, which T would have loved. I also retained my composure, only because I was honestly still in shock. I remember having dry mouth for the first time in my life, so bad it was hard to talk at times. I think that may have given people a false sense that I was so strong and would be fine. I was far from it for quite some time. I'm still not fine yet, almost 3 years later. I remember one of our friends telling me after the service that I was amazing and had done so well. I told him honestly I didn't feel amazing, I wanted to throw myself on the floor and scream and flail about. I also hope Mr. Williams will have people who will be there to support him on the days the pain becomes too much to be gracious or at peace.

Woo Hoo!! Simi, you are amazing and deserve to be very proud of yourself. So much courage and conviction. You did it. I'm so glad to know your son is thriving so well, too. You have continued to be in my thoughts as I've been really rooting for you to put that terrible person behind you. Thank you for letting us know and for being an inspiration. Sending you love and hopes that your happiness continues to grow and bloom, just as the flowers you planted will. Tight hugs...

Sending you big, tight hugs, Jen. I have no idea if there is a way off the roller coaster. Right now I've settled on believing this sadness and pain will always be a part of me now. The only thing I know to do is to try to find as much goodness and happy times to make it bearable. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying to get myself a plan to do so. I do believe that we are all uniquely changed by our losses, just as our relationships and circumstances are all different. It is hard, because it seems like even the happy times are accompanied by pain or wistfulness. I have hated roller coasters my whole life. I preferred the merry-go-round and the sleighs instead of the horses (lame, I know). This widowed life feels like a combination rollercoaster and fun house to me (those ones with all the mazes you have to find your way out of and the distorted mirrors like all the changes in our lives). I do hope someday we can disembark the roller coaster and at least have a choice about the next ride we find ourselves on. Sending you love and more hugs, sweet friend!

Sending you tight hugs, KT. I am sorry you did not get the chance to live out those dreams for the future you shared with your husband. The finality of "never" has been my biggest struggle. Making it through the day to day is difficult enough, but that realization that you will never get the chance to live out the life you planned together is so crushing. I really do understand how painful it is and wish there was a way to help it hurt less. I can't say that time has made accepting it any easier, but I have gotten more used to living with it. I agree it is exhausting to fake it to cover up the true feelings. I'm thankful we have this place to at least be our true selves for a little while. I'm sending you and your beautiful children love and hugs. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to just talk or vent.

Sending a belated thank you, ieh21. I do have children who tell me they love me everyday, as well as cats who are affectionate (and spoiled ). It was very strange, though, as the one cat who had been fairly aloof before my husband died, but has since been my constant companion was especially snuggly on Valentine's Day from the time he woke me up that morning and all day long. It was like he knew somehow. Thank you for thinking of us! hugs....

I'm so sorry, RIFF. It certainly does suck, especially so close to the wedding. I know your heart is hurting even more for his family as you know all to well what is ahead for them. It will be a blessing to have your understanding of the depth of their loss, but I realize it is a role you'd rather not be so qualified to fill. Sending you tight hugs...

Yes, SB, there are actually 3 hormones that get released when you are under stress. My cardiologist insisted I see a psychiatrist to try an anti-depressant, because he could find no physical reason for my heart to beat as fast as it was even at rest. I am on a medication to slow it down, but it still kept running fast. I was exhausted all the time, because my heart was working like I was running a race all the time. Within a week of starting the anti-depressant I'm on now, my resting heart rate dropped 20+ bpm. Unfortunately, the meds make me tired, but I feel better that my heart rate is better. MM, dear friend, I am also so tired of being tired and sad. Vent away. This sucks. Wish I could do more to help it all feel better than send you my love and a bunch of tight hugs.

So very sweet!!! Good job, little guy! (And mom as well for raising a compassionate child.)

Shelby, I am sending you tight hugs. From all your posts, I have seen a loving, caring person. Perhaps as the non-widowed cannot understand the deep pain of losing a spouse, some non-parents cannot understand the love we have for our children and our need to be their advocates and their soft place to fall. I think this is especially true for those of us who are now solo parents - we literally are the only parent our children have left to count on. Your husband's unwillingness to being open to consider your feelings on the issue are really disappointing and must hurt deeply. Requiring a choice between him or helping your children as their only parent is at a minimum heartless. It seems like you are not being given a chance to work together to make a mutually compromising decision. To me, that is what marriage should be. One-sided stubbornness often leads to resentment (deserved). I'm hoping you can find peace with making a decision that feels right for you - one that you've played an active role in discussing and feel is equitable. Perhaps your children may have been too coddled. Given what you've been through already in terms of loss, I understand and support your desire to err on the side of caution and help them as much as you are able to. I would feel the same desire. Adding more hugs, dear lady....

Hugs to you, Mom. It must hurt terribly for you both to have your little guy asking if his Dad can come back. It brought tears to my eyes. I, too, was very let down by people who promised to be there for us, especially for my kids. There were times people asked how they could help when I told them the best thing would be to spend some fun time with my kids. I wanted them to have fun and I wasn't in a place to be fun myself. For the most part, that didn't materialize. My one nephew occasionally takes my son along with him to the gym when he works out, which I appreciate. It is disappointing. I have written in my will that I have no type of funeral or memorial service if I should die. I don't want my kids to have to go through that and I don't want people telling them how they'll be there for them, etc.. Mine are old enough to see it was just something people said. I don't want them to hold back in relationships they form with friends and others based upon the experiences we've had since their Dad died. I want them to develop good friendships and be good, supportive friends themselves. Do you have a Big Brother's program where you live? That might be something to check out if so. My nephew did the program for several years as a big brother and it was great for the kids he had, as well as for himself. Cub scouts might be another option, but there is the issue with father/son events. Maybe someone with their kids in scouts could offer you some guidance there. It sounds like you are doing a great job in all the ways that you can. I'm sorry this all has to be so hard for our kids and for us. More hugs...

Sending you tight hugs, Wynne. It is true that our children will miss out on so many experiences their deceased parent should be here for. And it is really hard to know that we can't fix that problem for them. As their parent, we always try to make their lives as happy as we can, yet this is a hurt we can't just make go away. Next month will be three years since my husband died. My children are continuing to adjust. They are happy again in many ways, but still hurt deeply at times when they wish their dad was here. I think the best we can do is to acknowledge their loss, while simultaneously trying to mitigate their sadness in small ways we can. Sometimes that is hard when we are hurting so much ourselves, but all we can do is our best. It can be overwhelming as widowed parents to think about all our children will miss out on over the course of their lives, knowing how important the contributions our partners made to their lives. I've learned not to think about them as a whole. I don't look that far ahead. It hurts too much. I just take each situation as it comes. Again, we do the best we can. Adding more hugs...

MrsDan, I remember the original email you are referencing. It was that egregious that it has stuck in my memory, so I know how hurt you must have been. I think Trying's advice about considering the relationship you had prior to Dan's death is good. If she has always been judgmental, I'm not sure how much I would allow her into your current life. You've been working so hard to rebuild your life and you've done it without her support. You've found some happiness in your life. If you think she'll be a force that will take away from that, I would limit how much you let her into your life. You can still accept her apology, but keep a safe distance to not allow her approach or opinions to cause you self-doubt. As far as the contact via email, I'm with you that a phone call would have been better, especially in this type of situation. However, it seems that people are phoning less and less. Texting and email seems to be becoming the more common means of communication. I agree that it wasn't the most courageous way for her to offer her apology. I've believe it was Maya Angelou who said something like, when people show you who they are, pay attention. That is the approach I'm taking with people who really let me down after T's death - people whom I had really been a stalwart supporter to during difficult times they experienced. I don't want the negativity of conflicts in my life, so I've allowed myself to re-establish some of those relationships vs cutting them off. But I paid attention and I'm being cautious about the level of interaction I'm allowing - just being careful. adjusting my expectations, etc.. I'm glad you've found some happiness to help offset the pain. You deserve it.

I'm in depending upon location and weather.

It will be 3 years since my husband died next month. I have pictures of him everywhere in the house - family snapshots mainly of our lives with the kids, etc.. I am able to look at them and feel better by remembering those precious times. That is a huge step forward to me, because for a long time pain was the first emotion I felt when seeing him. I still often cry, however at least the good feeling comes first now. I miss him immensely every day. I'm not sure if missing him less would make me feel better or worse. It is what it is for now. I realize I'm blessed to have so many pictures and good memories to go with them.

Yes, yesterday was not a good day. I took a long nap which left less time to have to think about it. However, the kids liked the gifts I got them. My nephew dropped off a small box of my favorite salted caramels for me. I was blessed to have contact with a few dear widow friends. Then my daughter and I watched The Walking Dead together. So, I'm thankful for all those things, though missed my T very much.

It is supposed to be very cold here. No Valentine to snuggle with. I told my kids they can invite friends over Sat. night. It makes me happy to see them happy, plus I figured it might give the parents of the kids who are coming time alone on that evening to celebrate. Sigh...