SoVerySad

Sending you hugs. I feel the same way. I've found I can do many more things on my own than I thought I could. It is the totality of it all that continues to take its toll - building up as time goes on without any breaks. More hugs!

Sending you hugs, TS. I wasn't aware of the connection to your husband's death and the Superbowl.

I'm exhausted, too. I miss T's help with raising the children the most, but also with household and car things. What I really miss is that being with him gave me a respite from my own mind and worries. I could snuggle against him and lay my head on his chest. Hearing his heartbeat, which was very distinctive due to his cardiac issues, was so soothing to me. It helped me clear my head and reset myself. The only thing that has ever come close to it for me is the sound of the waves at the beach. I wish I had a recording of his heartbeat that I could still listen to.

For most of my life I've been told how patient I am and patient is definitely never a word I would choose to describe myself. I love how she said she recognizes the effort you make not to yell. So sweet!

Wow, Calimom, good for you! I'm glad help showed up and wish you the best in your new location! lcoxwell, feel better soon!!

I'm so very sorry, BH2. What a heartbreaking situation. 21 is so young and I know with CF she's been through so much already. I hope she can soon get the lung transplant. Just shower her and her family with love. I know from your posts you are a very loving person. It's okay if you can't be as strong as you think you should be. Just being there for them as much as you can and letting them talk when they want, etc. will be a comfort. Sending you tight, tight hugs...

PJs on. Trying to get up the focus to check some schoolwork. Was listening to some songs trying to help my daughter out with a school project which led to me linking to other songs on youtube that brought how much I miss T bubbling up to the surface. I haven't cried like this in a long time. Miss you, Baby!!!

No self-labeling as a bad Mommy allowed, dear girl! As always, just reading your schedule exhausts me. I'm so glad that another mother stepped up to give you a well-earned reprieve for a few hours and so pleased you took her up on it. Now M will be able to tell you all about her owl hunting adventures as you put the kiln together. J/K! Sending love and hugs!!!

Sending you tight hugs, Amor. I'm sorry it is hurting so much right now.

Sounds like a very successful start. I'm glad it went so well.

MrsDan, First let me tell you how good it is to see that you have found happiness and love again. As far as your daughter goes, you have been a great mother who has always been and continues to be focused on what is best for your little girl. Your happiness and positive sense of self are important gifts to give your daughter. I personally think the ideas she may eventually piece together about what your NG sleeping over may really have involved are less important than her having a mother who has finally relented some on being so hard on herself, allowing herself pleasure and enjoyment in her life which clearly will positively impact the time you spend with your daughter, too. There have been times I have so wished I had a way to help you not blame yourself or question your value as much. I am so glad you've found a person to help you realize how deserving of love you are and is there to give it to you. Try as best as you can to keep letting go of that guilt. You absolutely deserve happiness and love again. It doesn't change the love you felt for Dan and may even free you up to remember the good times you shared together without that shadow of questioning yourself so much diminishing it. I believe modeling for our kids is important. Although I am far from being a teenager, I still remember being one. Our kids will make their own choices. I was raised by my grandparents and I felt they often had old-fashioned values. When I was 17, my grandparents let me go to the beach for few days with T (who was 20 at the time).We'd been seeing each other exclusively for a year and a half. I was completely shocked they agreed to let me go and share a room with him. My grandmother's words to me were, "You aren't going to do something there you couldn't just as easily do here in our town if that is your intention. I trust you." Wow, I couldn't believe how progressive that seemed. Damn, that dear woman was smart. Despite the inevitable temptations that presented themselves on our wonderful trip, her words of "I trust you" kept ringing in my head. I wanted to live up to her trust, thus nothing too advanced occurred on that trip. Our kids will make their own choices, we can only hope to educate and influence them. I think seeing you happy and relaxed will be a good thing for your daughter. Martyring ourselves doesn't set a good example for our daughters either. You are a smart woman who will do what is best for you and your little girl. Wishing you the best!!!!

Tight, tight hugs to you, L! Missing them doesn't stop and so many reminders in one day surely felt overwhelming. FWIW, I think your leaning in, visiting with him through your pictures, and that good cry may have been just what you needed to help you prepare for the upcoming anniversaries. I'm sorry it was so painful, though. More hugs...

First. let me offer you a tight hug. Please also don't feel as if you can only post here if you have something positive to post. We are here to support you. That support includes pats on the back when you've made accomplishments, but also reaching out a hand to help pull you through those really dark patches so many of us know well. Also, if people only feel they can post positive things, it makes everyone else who is really struggling feel like there is something wrong with them. Next month will be three years since my husband died. I can tell you that the timeframe you are in now was one of the most painful times I've been through. The reality of the finality of the situation and what it meant for me really set in. I missed him more every day, because it had been a day longer since I had last seen him. Shame on your children for lashing out at you in their grief. It must feel impossible for you not to take it very personally after you cared for him so well right up until the end where you put his needs before your own wants and suffering. You are strong for being able to do so and you clearly loved him very deeply. They may feel the need to blame someone, but I am so sorry they've chosen to focus their anger at you. Just keep reminding yourself you made a loving and selfless choice. I'm so sorry about the dog as well, because my cats have been a great source of comfort to me. Would you be able to handle two dogs? If you thought you might be able to, perhaps you might consider getting another dog who needs you in the same way you need him/her. Hopefully the kids will come to their senses with additional time and allow you to have the dog back, but the companionship of a pet now might help things feel less dark. One other piece of advice is to stop telling yourself you should be better by now. We feel how we feel. We can't compare ourselves to others as just as each of our lives are unique, so too will be our way through our losses. You've experienced a lot of additional losses since your husband died as well (dog, relationship with kids, access to grandchild, moving). That is really a lot of heartache added onto your grief. I wish I could be of more help to you. I know those times when you just don't feel like you can stand another minute of the pain and sadness are excruciating and scary. Come lean on us when you need to. It gives us the opportunity to pay it forward from those who have helped us get through the really rough spots. More hugs...

Thank you all for your support. I'm sorry so many of you have had to endure the same heartbreak. Guaranja, Thank you for posting your experiences and for your wise counsel. It is sometimes hard to use your head when your heart is acutely hurting. Thankfully the Vets I've seen have been pretty good about presenting all treatment options and doing their best to give what might be reasonable expectations, acknowledging that there can be no guarantees. They've told me it is totally up to what I feel is best for her and for our family situation. I had already written off chemo/radiation. Today I decided not to do any surgery to remove the tumor either. They did x-rays that don't show any noticeable tumors in her organs, but tiny ones would not show up. They did feel additional smaller likely tumors along the mammary chain from where the tumor is, so it clearly has spread. Surgery would not cure anything at this point. I don't see the point in putting her through it. The tumor doesn't seem to be hurting her as she doesn't wince cry when it is touched/manipulated. The Vet says she doesn't feel she is in danger of suddenly dying on us, which put the kids at ease. She's eating good, getting around as she always has, purring, coming for love and attention, etc. She's not showing signs of pain, so we are just going to love her and enjoy her as long as we can. Should her condition decline to the point she's in pain or her quality of life is diminished, then we will do what is in her best interest. The kids are comfortable with this plan as well. This has been an emotionally exhausting day for all of us. Thank you to each of you again for posting your support.

Wow, we really are spread out, aren't we? Sigh...

One of our cats has been diagnosed with cancer. She has a horrible looking wound on her belly where the aggressive tumor (we had no idea she had) actually burst through the skin. I've spent the last week waiting on info from the Vet and Oncologist, etc. to put together the best plan of treatment. While my husband didn't die from cancer, I know the prospect of losing the cat will be very sad for the kids. In our home, our cats are part of the family vs just a pet. This particular cat was in love with my husband - completely adored him. I know that makes this all feel worse, because it feels like we might have to lose that connection with my husband. I've prepared the kids that we may have to have the cat euthanized dependent upon how things go as I won't let her suffer. What I never really thought about and came to light last night is that my kids (both teens) are completely freaked out about the possibility that the cat might unexpectedly die at home just like their dad did. Both of them are really scared this will happen. I can see that this situation has triggered strong memories of the day my husband died and the horrible, chaotic aftermath of trying in vain to save him. Even though we will be 3 years out from that day next month, it still has risen back to the surface for both of my kids. I wish there was a way to wipe that day from their memories.

Update: The party was a big success. Everyone was having such a good time I told them we could extend it if they wanted, and they all excitedly called their parents to extend pick up time. It was exhausting for mom, but great to see my kids genuinely happy (especially since we found out the day before one of our cats has cancer). The lighting idea was great. It completely transformed the look of my home. The disco ball type light bulbs worked great. I just removed the shades from my living room lamps and screwed the bulbs in. I also found these small battery operated submersible tealights that slowly rotate through 4 colors. I put them in the bottom of clear bins for drinks, covered with ice, added the drinks. It made the ice glow. Others I placed in small glass candle holders and covered them with those flat clear marble things. I placed a few throughout the food areas I had set up. It looked great. Very easy with big impact. The kids had a blast with the wigs, etc. - even the boys. They especially loved those nylon fake tattoo sleeves. Sadly I didn't get too many pictures, but what matters most was they had fun. Fun felt so good again. Thank you again for the support and ideas.

So wish I could come see all of you again. Unfortunately the weather this time of year makes the long trip ill-advised. Maybe next time. Have a wonderful time!

I'm sorry you're missing your big guy so much, SB. I know he's a very special kid and all your kids are so dear to you. I hope the time until you are together full-time again passes quickly. What a wonderful opportunity for your parents to get to spend this time with him. Tight hugs...

Sending you love and hugs, Maureen. I can understand that observing others grief over losing John would be bittersweet. How wonderful that he is remembered so fondly and to hear about the joy you added to his life. Yet I'm sure it makes you miss him all the more and mourn the opportunities he will no longer have to provide a positive impact on the lives of so many.

I wish I was closer so I could have picked her up for you. That was a lot of stressors for one day and no one to help shoulder the burden. I'm so sorry, my sweet friend. This life is so hard sometimes - truly most of the time now. It is exhausting in many ways and it is so difficult to find time and ways to recharge. Sending you love and tight, tight hugs. I hope tomorrow is better.

I'm so sorry, MrsDan. Of course it isn't selfish to want your sweet little girl not to hurt and lose her Papa who is dear to her. Watching our kids hurt is twice as painful than our own pain in my experience. If only we could protect them from hurt, especially when they've already lost so much. Sending you both tight hugs...

Fuck terrible, sad stuff that just keeps relentlessly happening and fuck that T isn't here to hold me and encourage me things will be okay.

I'm sorry. I do understand the anger and feeling like the best part of my life is over. I wanted the future we planned. We expected we'd hit obstacles and challenges along the way, but we'd handle them together just as we always did. It isn't okay that we've been left to figure out new futures on our own, especially when our hearts are so broken. Sending you tight hugs of understanding...

I miss AC!! Happy Birthday wishes!!