SoVerySad

Our latest weather update here is calling for 2 - 3 feet of snow with high winds. I remember when we had huge snowstorms in the past when my husband was still here, it was so nice to be snowed in and shut off from everything and everyone. Just to be able to snuggle in with each other and the kids felt like a mini-vacation. Oh, how I miss those days. Now I dread the snow storms. Just another reminder of how my life has changed. Sigh... I hope you all stay safe. Sending warming hugs...

Virgo, the party you had sounds great. Well, we had to move the party to next weekend as we'll be completely snowed in here tomorrow. It gives me a week longer to get fully ready (and unfortunately worry). I've been showing her things I bought for the party and she actually has seemed pretty excited about it now. (Except for the pretty little sweet 16 crown I ordered - no way she is wearing that. I expected that, but thought I might get a pic of her in it at least). I found very cool light bulbs on Amazon that go directly into a regular lamp socket and make patterns similar to a disco ball on the ceiling and walls, so I didn't do much with decorations. I also bought wigs, different types of glasses, nylon sleeves that look like sleeve tattoos, inflatable instruments, etc. for them to wear for the photo booth since we settled on a music theme with them playing the Rock Band game, etc.. She and I had a very fun time trying on the wigs when they came. I thought she might think they were lame, but she loved them. She has a long purple one picked out for herself. Hopefully it will all come together well and be a fun, memorable night. Thank you all for the suggestions and support as I had worked myself into a tizzy. Hugs to each of you...

I'm sorry things are so hard for you and your family right now. My daughter has been seriously struggling with depression and anxiety recently. It is so scary not knowing exactly what they can handle. I feel completely unqualified to be the one in charge of monitoring her and doing it alone is exhausting mentally and physically, as I have often been afraid to go to sleep. I really wish your son could try therapy and medication. I resisted myself for quite awhile until my Cardiologist insisted that I go, because he couldn't control my pulse rate. He needed to know if it was being impacted by anxiety/stress/depression as he could find no other physical reason. The first med I tried didn't work out as it made my BP too low. I was tempted not to try again, but this med has helped me in many ways. My resting pulse rate lowered about 20 beats within the first 2 weeks of taking the med. It has helped me a little in other ways as well as we've gradually increased the dose. What it hasn't helped at all with is concentration. My Psych explained that both depression and anxiety cause concentration issues, so the combination of both makes it twice as impacted. I have always been a good thinker, picking up things very quickly, etc.. Now my concentration and ability to focus is awful and debilitating. (My son has been worried I am getting dementia). It may be that your son is truly struggling with concentration to the point it is debilitating to him, making concentrating at school on other things very difficult. I had no idea how impacted concentration and thinking could become. If my concentration doesn't improve within the next month or so, he may add in a second med to help with that. The last thing I want is another med, but I will add it if it will help me be able to concentrate and function better. Do you know anyone who has dealt with depression/anxiety that sought successful treatment that might be able to talk to him? I realize it is often not something people talk about and he might feel upset that you talked about it with someone else. Parenting a teen is hard enough when they have a two parent home and haven't had trauma in their young lives. In our situations it is really hard, especially when we are still struggling ourselves. Sending you very tight hugs and love!

I've been thinking about this same issue a lot recently. Any sparkle I once had is gone. So many people have told me that my husband is still with me - that a part of him always will be. I do believe that is true, because we were so connected. Yet, if that is true, then it makes sense that I am no longer the same person. A part of me is now with him as well. My belief is that someday we will be reunited and perhaps I'll feel whole again. I don't think it is weakness. I think I need to adjust my expectations and realize that I can't be that same person again. I miss being her. Just as I'm having to adjust to missing my husband, I need to adjust to missing the old me as well. It is not easy. I don't like the new me either, but I'm still a work in progress (at least I hope so). If I might give you another take on the weakness aspect, it takes a lot of strength and courage to fully give yourself to another person, to allow them into your most intimate thoughts and fears, to love and trust completely. I don't think you were weak. I also don't think you are weak now. You are injured, just as if you've lost a physical part of yourself. It takes time to learn to adjust to the effects of the loss and I suspect some of the pain in losing our loves and our prior selves will always be with us. Not because we are weak, but because we were strong enough to really fully invest ourselves in another person. Just remember how rich that level of love and commitment made the lives of our spouses. Sending you tight hugs...

I'm sorry you are hurting, Mel. Sending you tight hugs...

I'm terribly sorry, T2B, for the loss of your nephew. So very heartbreaking. Sending you tight hugs...

Sending you tight hugs, J. I recently finally finished clearing out our home and it is sold now. It took me so long, because some days I just couldn't make myself go and do it. When I did go, I usually lasted for about 2 hours max until I had to leave. Friends and family couldn't understand why it took me so long. I realize it was terrible financial management to pay for two places for so long, but I wasn't ready either. We do the best we can. In my situation, I can tell you that I don't feel any less attached to T since I got rid of most of his belongings and live in my new place. However, I was just thinking this afternoon that my new bedroom is really pretty the way I have it fixed up. It has some things from our former home combined with new things I bought. It turned out lovely... and I don't enjoy it at all really. I like to look at it, but not spend my time alone in it without T. So if still having those items of your C's there gives you comfort, don't push yourself. If they become more painful than comforting, then you'll be ready. The power of the pictures is amazing and I am so thankful for every single one I have. I found some old photo strips from a booth on the Boardwalk from our first trip together to the beach when we were teens. T loved those pics and carried a strip of them in his wallet for many years. We were so young. I'm going to try to find a nice way to frame them, despite them showing their age. I'm sorry you are hurting, J. I really do understand as like you I still feel married. Sending you more hugs...

Hugs and more hugs!!!! That is a lot of stress and heartache for one week. No wonder you are ready for it to be over.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband, honey. I also lost my husband and best friend suddenly. It is tremendously painful. I remember those painful moments of waking up and hoping it was just a bad dream, only to be hit full force again with the awful truth. Please don't worry about being a bother to those who have offered help. Take all you can when it is offered. Maybe you can make a list when you think of something someone could help you with, so you have it ready to ask. The grocery store has been a huge trigger for crying for so many of us, so know you are not alone there. It is the small normal everyday stuff that can hurt so much sometimes. I also remember the incredulous feeling that life was just continuing to go on all around me when it felt like it had completely stopped for me. It is surreal. We are here to help you through this experience, because those who have never been through it cannot imagine the intensity and depths of the emotions involved. We understand, because we've been there. Sending you tight hugs...

Honey, I am so very sorry for the tragic, sudden loss of your husband. Everything you are feeling makes perfect sense as it is such a shock and an unbelievably excruciating pain. Maureen has given you wonderful advice about taking care of yourself, especially the drinking water. I didn't realize how dehydrated you can become from crying. I'm glad you have family and friends to support you. One thing that helped me was to not look ahead. I remember wondering just as you have how I would ever make it without my husband. Thinking long term was too difficult. I had to just take it day by day, often even hour by hour. Make sure you have someone you can feel free to call at any time during the night. I remember sitting at 3am on the sofa crying and rocking back and forth until it got to a more reasonable time to call someone. You are right that you will make it through this, but you do not have to figure out how right now. We will be here for you to offer our support. Sending you tight hugs...

Big hugs back to you, Helena. The "if onlys" in our situations are so hard not to dwell on, aren't they? I hope all those who replied to my post have given you some comfort that the anger is a normal response. I appreciate your understanding. BTW, the separate sections are just a guideline. You can most certainly post in other timeframe sections when you have thoughts to share. Although I will soon hit 3 years, I often relate more to those in the earlier timeframes. I still feel like I can relate more to the posts there than those who've been able to move forward more quickly than I. More hugs...

Belated and tight hugs to you, MrsT. I completely understand your statement about everything feeling duller and sadder. Thank you for sharing the lovely picture of him. It's clear from the photos you post that Tim was very happy sharing his life with you. More hugs...

Thank you, Lisa, for those ideas. The drink idea sounds cool. I'm leaning towards appetizers that can mostly be made ahead of time so I don't have a lot of things to do on party day so I'm less stressed out that day.

I'm so sorry, Fern, that your sweet little guy was so affected by the story of MLK. It is so sad that our kids have this personal experience of deep loss so early in their lives. It seems it is inevitable that hearing about the deaths of others causes them to think about their own losses. My children were older than your son (young teens) when my husband died, so hopefully someone with younger children like yours can offer some suggestions. Sending you tight hugs as I know observing and feeling our kids' pain is heartbreaking...

Thank you all for your responses and understanding. I do know the triggers that have reawakened my anger. I recently finished clearing out our home of 20+ years. It was a hard, tiring job for the kids and me. It is done now, the deed transfer is complete, and I no longer have to worry with that extra load. In addition, my daughter is really struggling right now. Seeing her hurting so deeply feels unbearable. Being strong for her is essential, but has taken its toll on my own minimal progress I had made. We'll get through this, I know. I can feel my anger has lessened some with completing the house and not having that extra strain. I am just so tired. Thank you again for the support. It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

The kids and I would be in, weather dependent, of course. Saturdays might be nice as then I would probably just spend the night locally and drive back Sunday, but we could do either day. 1/23 is out for us as it is my daughter's birthday party.

Sending you tight, tight hugs, Maureen. I remember that awful post and the anger it stirred in me for the cruelty of life for anyone having to endure such loss twice, especially someone as kind and loving as you. I'll be thinking of you as you make your way through this difficult week. Sending my love and more hugs...

Aw, what a sweet little guy you have there. It sounds to me like maybe he's hoping these animals and other children still have their moms or he's trying to see if there are others out there like him. Losing a parent is such a painful thing for our kids to have to go through. It is hard to understand, just as it is hard for us to understand. I'm not sure how old your son is, but if you feel it reaches a level where you'd like to have him seen by a professional, I highly recommend play therapy or a grief group with other kids his age.

Thanks for the ideas. The lighting idea is great as that could really eliminate much of my need for decorations. I'm in a rental with very high ceilings, so I might not be able to install a disco ball, however I found some lights on Amazon that shine upwards from the ground that might do the trick. I think the RockBand game does have something similar to karaoke as I had to buy a microphone for it. I'll have to check it out closer. I really appreciate your sharing ideas. My husband would thank you for filling in for him. He would probably also ask you to remind me to stick to budget. Seriously, it is nice to not feel alone. Hugs to each of you...

Thank you all for your replies. No, it isn't a surprise. She would not like that at all. I have gotten her input in many areas which caused me to shift focus from a larger family and friends celebration in a local hotel meeting room to an outing with her friends to then just a small group of her friends here at home (which will be settled on now since I already did the invitations). I have asked one of her friends for ideas he may have since she told me he wanted to help. Another of her friends helped me find a song that I could dedicate to her from the bands they both like. I'll have the xbox one set up with the RockBand game and instruments. I'm also going to try to set up a homemade photo booth up on our landing. I know she likes to take pictures with her friends when they're together. I guess my biggest problem right now is decorations. I think I'm just going to choose colors she likes and then try to make some 16 themed signs, etc. that would be in those color schemes to go with them. Perhaps my struggle really is that I just don't want to accept my baby is turning 16? (And her dad isn't here to see it.) Any other ideas for teens, please share. I haven't started planning food yet. She's not a big fan of pizza, so that makes it a little harder. Thank you again.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. My kids haven't started dating yet, so I have no experience in that area. Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience in people in my life not wanting me to talk about my husband. My kids and I still talk about him a lot, but I'm even starting to notice they may not always enjoy it now. My MIL does enjoy talking about him. She says it makes her feel really good that I still remember and love him so much. She said my recalling stories to her reminds her what a full and happy life he lived. I don't know what I'd do without her. But everyone else in my family has made it clear that it makes them too uncomfortable and they feel I should be "moving on" more. I know it is so hard to not have our spouses here as a listening ear and soft place to fall. It seems the cruelest element of widowhood. Would you like to tell me a little about Jim?

HM, you are right. This is hard stuff. I find it hard to find the clarity with which I used to be able to self-assess and problem solve, so I often feel like the hamster in the spinning wheel. It has to be okay for us to let go of some things. I know for my kids, I have had to do so as well. Sometimes because it is a tradition that I can no longer manage and sometimes it is because my kids no longer find the joy in doing it without their father (the fun parent). When the guilt sets in about these things, I try to remember that my husband would just want us to be happy just as he did here in life. Things are different now - they just are - despite how we try to cling to keeping things the same. In addition, my kids interests changed as they aged even while T was still here. I'm glad you've found it is okay to lighten the pressures we put on ourselves to maintain as much tradition as possible. It becomes necessary at times, but I hope it also opens up time to create new traditions that don't have the bittersweet edge that accompanies our past traditions that so often pale in comparison without our spouses here to participate. Sending you tight hugs...

Aw, tight hugs to you. You are not a failure for certain. It is very hard being a solo parent with no one to take turns caring for our kids with. I am always the on one duty and it is exhausting. That is in itself. You have an emotionally taxing job with long shifts and school full-time on top of it. I can't even imagine that, honestly. It is a lot. If you are like me, since my husband passed away my life has been all about my kids. When they seem to not appreciate it, it hurts. They have no idea how much effort I've put into trying to make their lives as good as I can while trying to hide my misery of not having my husband/best friend here. I also have sweet kids for the most part, truly. However the times they've been critical of me have really hurt. Do you have at attend all the games? Could you attend one per week for each and then just drop off and pick up for the other two nights so you at least had that time free to get things done? I would also set a reasonable limit for days/week they can have friends over. Maybe you can sit down and explain with all you have going on right now (all things you are doing to ensure a better future for them), you need to temporarily make some changes. It isn't that you don't want them to have fun, it just needs to be more structured for right now. Maybe you can plan a special trip our outing for when you are on school break or something as a tradeoff for them to look forward to? These are just some ideas to consider that might help. Honestly, given their ages, I'm not sure they'll be very understanding, but you will have at least explained your reasoning. You do have to make your life manageable or you end up feeling very stressed out as you've found. You are clearly a wonderful mom who deserves some rest and quiet times at times. We all need it to recharge a little. More hugs...

for a daughter who hates pink, fancy, and is not overly girly isn't easy. I'm trying to find some decorations, but everything is so not what she would appreciate. Anyone else have a sweet 16 party for a unique, free spirited, slightly dark tastes, doesn't like to be the center of attention girl? What is a mom to do? I used to be so creative with parties when they were small. Although my husband didn't help a lot with planning, he knew the kids, was always there to bounce ideas off of, and helped me focus when I started to feel overwhelmed. I want to make it a special night for her as she's been having such a hard time lately. The last thing I want to do is make things worse.

Congratulations, Leslie!! I am so happy for you. Wishing you much love and happiness!! Tight hugs...