SoVerySad

Sending you all virtual hugs and wishing they could be in person!! I hope you are having a great time! Adding a special hug for Rosie, too.

Thank you for posting these, MM. I haven't completely given up hope for the future to get better, although at times I can't see how it will without him being a part of it. I'm starting to gain an appreciation that he will always be with me in memories and the lessons I learned sharing my life with him. I hope some day the loss of his physical presence won't cut so sharply. I appreciated reading Sean's encouraging words. Sending you love and tight hugs...

I hate it too BH2, yet we have to find our way without them. I'm glad you didn't have another panic attack. I'm sorry he couldn't be here to celebrate the day with you. Sending you tight hugs...

I'm so very sorry for the passing of your wife, Mark. It always hurts to see new people join our group, because we all know how painful and overwhelming it is to lose your spouse. In having that knowledge, however, we can do our best to support you through this difficult time. My husband died suddenly as well. Losing a spouse certainly does turn your world upside down in ways most people who haven't experienced it cannot begin to understand. It helped me to just take things a day at a time (or an hour or minute) and not look too far ahead as it was much too painful to think about. Sending you a tight hug...

Sending you tight, tight hugs TS. Meeting all those new people along with the hustle and bustle of the holidays must have been very intense. No wonder you got overwhelmed. What stuck out to me in your post was feeling like you wanted adp and you and the kids to just be alone together. That says it all. The stress hasn't come between you two at all - it is external and now you have all those firsts behind you. It truly only matters what you and adp and the kids think. That's all. It sounds and looks from the photos like that time together has been good. I loved the one photo of adp and M. It really showed how much they care for each other. Remember, it doesn't matter what role others expect you to take or their judgments - it only matters how you both feel about each other and blending your lives in the way you choose to do so. We've learned through being widowed how we are alone as we go through things - that we have to find our way on our own. I'd like to think we should take that lesson and use it positively in the next chapters of our life by realizing we shouldn't worry about what others think as much. If we have to do the tough stuff on our own, then we also get to decide for ourselves what new directions our lives take and the ways we will find happiness again. I am sorry you didn't get more time alone with adp. I know the time you spend together is so precious. More hugs for you and M. Hope to hear from you soon. Safe travels home!!

I'm heading out to pick up takeout for dinner for the kids and myself. Then we have to go finish carrying out the final remnants of our old house. The sale is final and as of tomorrow, the house will no longer be ours. It is bittersweet, but I know it is the best decision for us right now. Hopefully it won't take too long to finish and then we are just coming home. I'll check back in if I can. Sending hugs to each of you and hoping for 2016 to be a better year.

I am so angry with my husband right now. Combined with the guilt I feel over being more angry with him than I ever was in all our years together when he is dead is just about doing me in. I have been through a lot since he died - all of which I have managed to keep pushing through despite having already been exhausted from the stress of his decade of failing health. This morning of the day he died suddenly at our home from a ventricular arrhythmia, I wanted to take him to the ER due to a high fever he had. Despite having been sick myself all week with the worst stomach virus ever, I got myself and the kids ready, called my MIL to arrange to drop the kids off there, was literally standing with my car keys in my hand... and he refused to go. He said it was probably just the virus I had. I have tried to make peace with knowing that had he known what was to come, he wouldn't have been so stubborn and would have gone. I have worked hard to not dwell on the potential better outcome if only he had gone to the ER. But I am so freaking weary right now from handling all these things on my own. Like end of my rope weary. Why couldn't he just have gone to the ER? Things might be so different right now, instead of three devastated and broken hearted people (the kids and I) trying to survive the fallout. It is heartbreaking to feel angry at him when I still love and miss him so much.

The half year mark coincides with our wedding anniversary, so I imagine I will always be conscious of it. Our wedding anniversary is my hardest day of the year.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now, BH2. Sending you tight, tight hugs...

I'm glad your daughter is no longer allowing herself to be treated so poorly. It must have been hard to observe that. I know it is a fine line between suggesting to our kids and having them feel like we are overbearing into their lives. It sounds like you managed to help her see the light.

Tightest hugs to you, MM. You certainly didn't fail anyone last night. Your first trip returning to that room was bound to bring so much grief to the surface. I'm sure his family understands as they know how deeply you loved him. I'm also sure they were glad to have you with them again. The first holiday at my in-laws after T died, I couldn't even make it to the table to sit down until I had a good cry first. Seeing the empty chair he usually sat in totally undid me. When I regained my composure and joined everyone, I sat in that chair and left mine empty. Somehow it helped a little. After that, his mom starting removing a chair from the table when we share meals there. I have never felt that I have moved to the beyond active grieving section yet, so I really understand missing your husband so terribly every day still. More hugs...

I am in a similar position. While I loved being married and miss my husband desperately still, it is him I miss - not just being part of a couple. I've surprised myself with the comfort level I've reached to being by myself. I was completely panicked about it for quite a while as I had started dating my husband at 16 and we never spent more than a few days apart for work meetings in our 27 years of marriage. I am lonely for friends as he was also my best friend, but I've had no desire to date. In honesty, even after 2.5 years I still feel married with the exception of not having my co-parent or helper for all the responsibilities.

I hope your results showed improvement, Carey! You deserve some good news! Torn, my son had brain surgery a few years ago for his Chiari Malformation. It was very scary to go through, but it was successful and even allowed for his scoliosis to improve some. I'm sorry you are dealing with the Chiari. Hugs to you both!

Tight hugs, Carey. I'm sorry the bonus you expected didn't happen. As far as decorating, I used to do a lot as well. I moved storage bins full of decorations to our new home. They're not going to make it up this year. Too much craziness I'm dealing with in my life right now and not enough of me to go around. I'm focusing on just what needs done - gifts wrapped and Christmas tree & stockings up. My kids honestly don't care about the other decorations, but the tree is important to them. Mine isn't up yet, either. Last year we did it on Christmas Eve if I recall correctly. I bought some cookies at the farmer's market as there will be no time for baking this year. You have been through a lot and with your medical condition, you just don't have the strength right now to do all you used to when your life was different. Don't be so hard on yourself, please. In the grand scheme of things, not having a lot of decorations is okay, plus you don't have to put it all away again then either. I know it hurts, because it is another reminder of how your life has changed since Chad died. I'm sorry for that hurt. It is hard to accept these changes to our lives and not being able to do all we used to do. More hugs...

Thank you so much, TS. I appreciate the help. Please thank your aunt for me. Love and hugs...

Fuck that even on my third Christmas since my husband died, signing just the kids and my name on Christmas cards and gift tags without his still hurts like hell.

Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I did try to give her either my son's appt with his counselor or mine with the Psychiatrist. No go - they said it would be unfair to those waiting. I tried to reason that it wouldn't be taking someone else's slot, just our own, but they wouldn't budge. We saw my son's counselor Monday. He told me he is trying to get her moved up the list. Her pediatrician got her started on an antidepressant, but of course they take time. Her Pediatrician says her nurse scheduler sometimes can work magic, so I hope she can. The only crisis service we have here is through our emergency room at the local hospital. She has such terrible associations with that ER due to us being informed there that they had been unable to revive my husband, as well as my trips there subsequent to his death. I think I would have to drag her there, but will if needed. She said yesterday and today were very hard. She was on the verge of crying all day at school. Tonight she spent hours trying to do her schoolwork, but she's struggling with concentrating. I tried to help her organize her thoughts, etc. but she wasn't as receptive to my help tonight. It hurts to see her hurting and say she doesn't see anything good ahead in the future for her. I am so angry tonight that our kids have to deal with such painful heavy losses so young. Looks like no sleep for me tonight. Thank you again for responding.

I've been trying to get my 15 year old daughter to agree to try counseling for the past two years. Within the past few months I've noticed she's seemed more depressed and anxious. Recently she has kind of crashed and finally agreed to counseling. I called the practice my son and I both go to. They have an 8- 12 month wait list. Yes, months. I got her into our Pediatrician who informed me that is a normal recent wait time in our area. They're doing all they can do to try to help me find someone sooner as are some other resources, but nothing yet. Thankfully she's keeping open communication with me and has been spending more time with me than pulling away, but I am so worried about her. Just sharing to make you aware if you have a child struggling, you may want to see what the wait time in your area is just to get on a wait list. I had no idea wait times could be so long.

I'm so sorry it hurts so much. Sending you tight hugs, donswife...

If only I had a drone which I could fly myself there with! Sorry to be too far to meet up with this great group.

Hopefully you realize we have a section for scheduling widowbagos, which are get-togethers. I have met several terrific members of our community in person, however most live at least 2 hours away. I was thinking that with so many new members, it might be nice to share a general location of where you are to see if any others might be close to you incase you might like to meet for a coffee or smaller scale get-together as the idea of a bago might feel too overwhelming or too far to attend. If you see someone is close to you, send them a pm and maybe you can schedule a time to meet up. I'll start. I live in south central PA, about 1/2 hour from the Maryland border. Please reply if you'd like to share your location with as much info as you feel comfortable sharing.

Oh, Jen, I'm so, so sorry. How painful that must have been! Sending you the tightest of hugs and much love...

I'm so glad you had a good evening, TS! Love and hugs...

I'm learning from my teens that times have changed since I was a teen in that young people feel more able to express themselves openly now. I'm so glad to see it. To have a parent who loves and supports him for the wonderful, unique person he is must be a great source of comfort to him. Good job, Mom. My children have been raised to embrace both things they have in common with others and differences. I am proud of their loving hearts.

Tight hugs to you, DR. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Yes, your husband should still be with you and your dreams you had together should have had a chance to be realized. It is very hard to understand why this has happened to you. It is important to know you haven't failed and this isn't a punishment (although it feels like the worst one ever imposed on someone). I wondered at first if I had done something to deserve this fate or if I hadn't been a good enough person. There are simply too many wonderful, loving people in our community here for it to be true that our loss occurs because of some deficit on our part. I also really remember being incredulous that I could continue to live through such pain - that my body continued to physically function. Somehow we do. Adding more hugs...