SoVerySad

I agree it is normal, KT. It seems like the earlier fog and confusion start to dissolve and you are left firmly in the grasp of the awful reality. I remember reading that it had happened to others, but not believing it would happen to me. I couldn't imagine hurting any deeper and yet I did. I'm sorry you are feeling it all so acutely right now. Sending you tight hugs...

Despite being 2+ years, I've continuously felt in many ways I relate more to those in the earlier stages as to where I am grief-wise. I can't yet begin to imagine being BAG, although I remain hopeful to get there.

I'm sorry, Mark. It seems so cruel for our bodies to put us through those dreams. Wasn't going through it all once enough? Maybe it serves a purpose, but it sucks for sure. I had a dream where I found out my husband wasn't really dead, but had just left the kids and me. He was living at his mom's. I called and begged her to let me talk to him. When he got on the phone, he said he had made a terrible mistake and asked me to please allow him to come home. Of course, I said yes. He told me he'd be right over. I was so happy. I told him I was going to go tell the kids. I woke up, jumped out of bed, and ran across the room... suddenly it hit me I was running across my new room in the new place we had to move to due to him dying. I realized it had just been a dream. Damn. Sending you tight hugs...

We are currently at the beach. I've been sick, but the kids have been waiting all summer to go and I wasn't going to let them down. Yesterday, we stopped for a snack and cool drinks. The three of us were sitting at a table for 4. My son said, "It's so strange that he's not here with us. There's always just that empty chair." He is so right. Still after over 2 years, it just all seems so strange. I wanted to say something uplifting, but couldn't find the words. I just nodded my head in agreement and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. I often wonder if they think about him as much as I do. We talk about him and share good/funny memories a lot, but it hurts me as their mom to think how much losing him still hurts them. He should be here with us.

I'm guilty of not posting lately, although I have been reading most days. I'm in a terrible place right now- just really setback, so I've not felt like my contributions would be helpful. I do care about my widda family here though, as well as having deep empathy for all the new members who join our ranks. I remember the relief I felt upon first finding the community at the ywbb. I will try to do better at contributing as I believe this resource is so important. I also suspect the availability of the like feature has cut down on the number of actual posts. If you think that when there wasn't a like feature, more people may have actually posted, which then may have led to additional posts if those posts sparked additional conversation, etc. I don't do facebook much, so the like feature has taken me some getting used to. It doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy to me, but then those who know me know I 'm more of a wordy person. Sending you all tight hugs...

Dear HM, I'm sorry you are feeling so very tired right now. Just reading your post had my heart racing. No wonder you feel completely done in - so much to endure. I so wish I were close enough to bring you something you find comforting and give you the tightest of hugs. Please know I'm sending you love.

Tight hugs, SR. You are doing great. Despite it not being easy, you've got your focus on the future happiness and greater sense of peace both you and your son deserve. You'll get there. You've got the drive and us behind you to remind you how awesome you are.

I'm so sorry, DebW. It must be hard to deal with their anger when it is turned against you or each other. I took the approach with my kids (who were 13 & 14 at the times so a little older) that a full range of emotions, including anger, was to be expected as I was feeling them myself. I had a few episodes where they did lash out at me. I think it was mainly because I was just there, but suspect they also were feeling anger that I had changed, too. Everything was completely changed. I explained to them that they could always talk to me about how they were feeling - anytime day or night. I told them it was okay to feel angry, but the normal rules for appropriately dealing with anger still applied. I also told them that we really needed to lean on each other to get through this tragedy that had happened to us. As far as your daughter's anger at your husband's desire to not tell them, I would just keep reinforcing why he did so - he loved them and didn't want them worried or sad, he wanted to enjoy his time with them instead of thinking about being sick, he hoped he would get better and tried very hard to do so. I would also tell her that even though you knew he might die, knowing it hasn't made it any better or easier. It just isn't something you can really prepare yourself for until the person is gone and you can't see, talk to, touch them again. Knowing wouldn't have made the hurt they're feeling now less. I would also stress that it is okay for her to feel angry at her dad for his choice, but to know he made it with the best of intentions and you wanted to honor his wishes. Sending you tight, hugs. It is so hard to deal with our children's hurts when we are feeling so devastated ourselves.

This is so touching, Virgo. What a wonderful way to reinforce her memories of her dad. I'm sorry things are feeling so hard for you lately. Tight hugs...

Tight hugs, Carey. I'm sorry the medication is taking such a toll on you. Solo parenting and being widowed is draining enough on its own. It must be very hard to deal with such an extra drain on your energy. Do you by chance have any short term disability benefits at your job that you might be able to use to give yourself a break if it all becomes too much to physically handle? Would your employer be willing to modify your hours with a doctor's note? It is hard for us to put ourselves first, but essential for you to do so now so hopefully your recovery will be shorter. More hugs...

Mikeeh, I think if you feel you need to do this and her counselor is willing to meet with you, you should give it a try and see if it helps you. It seems like you feel the need to do so, so you may be filled with regret if you don't. I think it will be important for you to remember that things she may have said were tied to the time and situation she was in. I think you will need to keep that in mind. You said you were wondering how she might have felt about you raising your son without her. As a mom, when I think about possibly dying, I imagine that I wouldn't accept that very easily. I doubt I would have said something along the lines that I'm sure the children would be just fine with their dad raising them alone. Not as a reflection on him, but rather my feelings about the importance of them having both of us in their lives. Yet after T died, I went through a period of believing it would have been better for the children had they been left with T as their surviving parent rather than me. I still think at times that may be true, but I am so glad he never had to be widowed that I have let those thoughts go for the most part. My point is that my feelings would be different because the situation would be different. I feel certain that had I passed away, unless T was acting out with destructive or intentional behaviors that were harmful to our children, I would be so proud of him for managing to keep going in caring for our children despite grieving deeply. I hope that makes sense. Things she may have said at the time will give you some insight into how she was feeling at the time. I don't think that in any way would equate to her feelings or evaluation of how you are handling things now. She could never have imagined how difficult being widowed would be. She was enveloped in your love and supported by your strength until her final breath. I hope the appointment brings you a sense of better understanding which in turn will bring you some peace. Hugs to you...

Sending you tight hugs. The second year felt worse than the first for me in that the reality of it all really started to hit. Before I had just been focused on my sadness over him dying. Then suddenly the ways his death had imploded my life and my need to create a new future started to become clear. I felt very lost and overwhelmed as well. Try to be gentle with yourself as this is a very difficult experience you are going through. More hugs...

Tight hugs to you, Ursula. I'm so sorry you were witness to the tragedy involving those men. I'm sure the triggering must be overwhelming. Sending you love and more hugs...

Tight, tight hugs to you, honey. I understand exactly what you mean when you say that even the happy moments you find now are not the same due to missing them so much. Sending you my love and more hugs as you face this upcoming anniversary, AW.

Hello friends. We actually were invited to a barbeque and to watch fireworks tonight. It was very nice. Now I'm in bed hoping that maybe tonight I'll sleep. Surely all these nights in a row of not sleeping well has to end soon. CG, I'm so sorry your child is sick. Clinking my glass back and sending you tight anniversary hugs.

Tight hugs to you, widowat33. I think your husband would be really proud of your strength and how you've managed to keep things going for your kids and yourself in his absence. More hugs...

Well, it does suck. It is sad that even the beautiful moments we start to rediscover are mostly always accompanied by a sense of sadness that our loves aren't here to share them with us. I don't think you should feel guilty for your feelings. Being blessed in other ways can't replace the loss we've been through in the really meaningful ways you mentioned. Tight hugs...

Tight hugs, Trying. Waiting for results is so nerve-wracking - no wonder the stress overwhelmed you. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Of course, you won't be able to stand as tall through the storms without your husband there to help buffer and support you. I know you are doing the best you can, which is enough, because you are his mom. No one else could ever fill that role. More hugs...

I am sorry you are hurting! Sometimes the right decisions are really painful. Tight hugs...

Adding my support and encouragement. An endorsement from your teen son is awesome! Hugs...

Such a gorgeous bride!! Being married to your best friend is pretty awesome, isn't it? He knew better than to let you get away. Smart guy you had there, Nuggets. Hugs...

Tight hugs, jlp. I understand the exhaustion. Trying to keep busy really wears you out. I've had some time periods due to medical issues where I've been forced to sit nd rest. I think it helped me to renew a little bit, but that much time to think took its own toll. And of course, there is no one to handle things so they just pile up. My surgeon told me at my last visit that I must be feeling better since my wrist was improving. I was honest and told him I'm at my worst place since the accident, because of all that piled up while I was incapacitated. If you can find some time to try to rest a little, it may help you some. I know it is hard to find. I do think expecting as little help from others as possible is the way to go rather than hoping for more and having to deal with the frustration and disappointment of it not happening. More hugs...

I'm so sorry, Candace. I worked in long term healthcare for many years. I don't understand the concept of not touching your father or talking with him. We always advised that families talk openly with their loved one and hold their hand, etc.. I can imagine that it must be very hard to contain yourself from doing so. Please speak up for yourself. I agree with Baylee. Let your sister know that you respect her choice in how she wants to approach your dad, however you have your own feelings on the matter and believe it is important to follow your heart. Then do so. You can deal with any fallout later. Just make your dad your priority right now. Tight hugs to you...

No, Jess, you are not screwed up. That was a very intense dream. I'm sure most of us would have felt very unsettled after having a dream like that. It would bring up a ton of conflicting emotions. Tight hugs to you...

Hi MS! Made it through our 3rd July 4th without T. Thankfully the fireworks were rescheduled due to weather, so I got a brief reprieve. Fireworks without T just don't feel the same. We had T's parents over for an indoor picnic, which was nice. Right now I'm thinking about the red-velvet cake I passed on earlier and trying to avoid a trip down to the kitchen. Hopefully sleep will take over instead. I could use the rest. (May be hard with all the neighbors' fireworks still going off). Hugs...