Mac

At this point of my "journey," I feel as though the more I learn the less I know. I am ok with that. I guess it's more of a factor of living in the now.

It?s been 3-1/2 years since Cindy passed. Christmas Eve 6 months after she passed, I was in my bedroom playing Nothing Compares 2U by Sin?ad O Connor over and over again, sobbing all the time. My daughter asked me: ?Dad, why are you doing that to yourself?? My response: ?Because, I need to.? My children did get to enjoy Christmas with Cindy?s family. The second Christmas was slightly better, but I was pretty apathetic about any celebrating. Certainly much emotion and missing Cindy so very much. There again, thank goodness for relatives. The third Christmas, things are getting better. But still, putting forth a minimal effort. Not as much sadness. Looking at so many of the videos from all of those wonderful Christmases spent together. The fourth Christmas without Cindy is approaching. I have been looking at some of the photos. No sadness. I do miss her, but I have so much gratitude for all the years that we spent together. It does appear that as a family we are adjusting more to our new life. That it?s not just a matter of making do.

All I know is that "I'm too sexy for my shirt."

In my dating and my relationships, fear of loss hasn't been a concern. At this point there are some thoughts about the future, but most of my life is so focused on the present.

Today is my daughter?s 25th birthday. I?m cooking her a special birthday dinner. It?s been 3-1/2 years since Cindy passed. My daughter and her fianc?e will be here tonight. So will my son and his girlfriend. We have all adjusted and are adjusting to our ?new family life.? A day filled with so memories. So much to be grateful for. Thinking about Cindy so much. I can see her smiling. Love you honey.

So often the best times in life are when we are helping others. It can help us so much in our "new life."

I wrote this back in September: "It's been a little over three years since Cindy passed. One of the hard parts of this "new life" is letting go of the past as it relates to many friends. It was so hard to accept at first and I certainly put energy into trying to keep those relationships. I'm grateful that with time I've been able to let it go and not to have resentment anymore (although I am still mildly irritated). It is what it is. I did know to expect it, but it was still hard to experience it. Grateful for the friendships that remain and I am cultivating new ones." I'm starting to have different feelings about this. Even the "(although I am still mildly irritated)" is gone. Now I'm actually feeling somewhat good about it. Some friends do remain from my "old life" but so many are gone. Perhaps it's a good thing. I feel like it is allowing me to focus and to discover more of my "new life."

Congratulations Melbar!

I'm glad that you are ok. (((Abitlost))).

Congratulations!

Sin?ad O Connor - Nothing Compares 2U I use to sob & sob when I listened to it. Still get very teary eyed. https://youtu.be/dq2K4jHs92A

So sorry about your sister's passing while you were already dealing with the loss of your husband. I have supported relatives who have experienced loss, encouraging them to share with me. Number one = you need to take care of yourself. So do what you can do, but don't feel obligated. Maybe steering your BIL towards one of the online communities can help. I'm in a pretty good place now. It has been over 3 years. Still trying to figure out this "new life." At this point of my "journey" some of the most satisfying times are when I am "paying it forward" spending one-on-one time with those who have experienced recent loss. (((HoldingOn)))

Hi AC!

I spent the weekend in the mountains up at 10,000'. Cindy & I use to spend a lot of time up there. It was good to be there. So calming. It clears the mind. And I felt Cindy's presence so strongly. This is a view of a spot that is dedicated to Cindy.

(((Abitlost))) Wishing all the best for you.

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I had a wonderful dinner last night with Cindy?s family and some other people. The thing that made it so wonderful is that we were talking about Cindy and sharing stories at the table. It?s been a little over 3 years since she passed. I think about her constantly. We were best of friends for 37 years and were married for 28 of those years. Two truly do become one. Cindy has an older sister. I am close to her as are my children. Slowly but surely she has been able to talk about Cindy, share stories and laugh. It was very difficult for her for quite some time and I had to hold back on the sharing with her. Last night I had a sense that her comfort with that is here to stay. I think about our amazing years together, our friendship, our love, our worldwide adventures and our family life. I want to share the stories with those that knew here, especially those that were closest to her. I?m grateful that Cindy can join us at the table.

(((Donna)))

Life is good in many ways. I do have much to be grateful for past and present. But wtf? You are supposed to be here. Sometimes it seems as if this gets even more surreal with time.

Sending good thoughts your way.

So glad to hear this PJ!

Nothing in particular. Just a statement of how much this loss has changed my life and has impacted my thinking.

I've always been a bit of a "free thinker," but have still followed many of the "rules of life." Throw that all (or at least a lot of it) out the window now.

Congratulations Hunter. Wishing you all the best!

Still going out with her. This is still so true!