Mac

We always took our children to funerals, starting at an early age. We also stressed the importance of visiting people who were in their final days on this earth. We wanted them to realize that death is a natural part of life. My daughter was quite young when my great uncle Tom passed. We took her to the funeral. There was an open casket before the service. My daughter did look into the casket. I was close by, but not right next to her. I knew her background in terms of funerals and i was paying attention to the expression on her face. My brother Tom (I'm the youngest of five) was concerned and came over to talk to her. He said to her: "That is just your great Uncle Tom's body. He is in Heaven now. And someday you will get to see him in Heaven." She looked up at him with a smile on her face and said: "But you'll get to see him before I do, right uncle Tom?" I've never been uncomfortable about my own mortality. My brother has struggled a bit more with his mortality. So he looked at her with a slightly disturbed look on his face and said: "Yes, if things do go according to plan, I will get to see him first."

Both of my children do hope that I will find a woman to have a long-term committed relationship with and they are very supportive in that department. DD was encouraging early on. "Dad, you have taken good care of yourself, you should get some new jeans that show that." She was also looking over my shoulder when I was building an online profile. I was going to post a selfie. "Dad, trust me don't post that photo." My response: "But I think that it looks pretty good." Her response: "Dad trust me, it doesn't." I did trust her and didn't post it.

I didn't realize at the time that these were going to be my DW's final words to me, I think that she did. She died later that day. "I always loved you." I am grateful for those words. I do wonder what she meant exactly. Was she making a statement about how constant her love for me was, all those years that we were together as a couple? Or, was she saying that she had loved me earlier on when were just friends? We met in college. One time in the last 8 years or so she did say to me: "I kind of wish that you would have gotten things started sooner."

I didn't realize that I was responding in the Extreme Caregiving section (wasn't my situation). Will start a new thread.

It's been 33 months since Cindy passed. Gratitude is on overdrive and I try to give thanks on a daily basis. In no particular order, here are some of the things that come to mind today. I am grateful for the many years of friendship, love, kindness and adventures that I had with Cindy. It has put me in a really good place for this phase of my life. I am grateful that my children are doing well and that they are so affectionate and expressive with me. I am grateful that my children are supportive of the possibility of my having a new woman in my life. It seems like it is a bigger goal for them than it is for me. They seem to think that it would lead to my highest state of happiness. I am grateful that I love myself, have confidence and a positive self image. It seems to be on overdrive in this "new life." I do believe that surviving a tragedy like this does have the ability to amplify much of the goodness of life and raise to us to a higher level of appreciation. I am grateful for my BIL. He has been such a great friend. I am grateful that I married into such a wonderful family, they are kind to my children. It makes it easier for me, knowing how connected my children are to all of them. I am grateful for my faith.

I am happy most of time these days. Grateful for so much past and present. I hope that these feelings are here to stay.

Cindy and I took a three month honeymoon traveling around the world heading west. What a wonderful way to start our married life! During this trip we stopped and visited her relatives in Italy. Her Nona had come from a town just north of Genoa. It was so much fun to reconnect with the relatives. When we got home from our honeymoon, Cindy went to work for United Airlines. We had so much fun traveling far and wide courtesy of her flight passes. During this time Cindy took her mom to meet the relatives in Italy. Her mother got to meet her aunt and her cousins for the very first time. Some years later, Cindy and her sister made the same trip and stayed with the relatives. A couple of years ago, Cindy?s sister took some of her children to meet the relatives. This summer, my sister-in-law is going to take my daughter to Italy to meet the relatives. I just saw the reservation this morning. They will be gone for nearly a month. Seeing that brought on a flood of memories and emotions. I?m so glad that my daughter gets to do that trip. I?m so grateful that I have such kind, loving and generous in-laws. Cindy would be so happy. And I can only imagine how emotional it will be for all parties concerned when my daughter first meets the relatives. La vita ? bella

I'm surprised by the number of people who post photos where they look mean, unhappy or angry.

I wrote this at 12 months. One Year Ago Today - Cindy Left This Earth About an hour from now she would speak her last words to me. "I always loved you" So as I sit here this morning, drinking my coffee... Tears Love Beauty Memories Stories Devotion Gratitude She blessed so many lives.

Wrote this at 16 months. We don?t have a choice. Here we are. Figure out what is up. Figure out who we are. The plans we made Gone in a flash. Improvise What else can we do? Get through the day Try to sleep And hope for a brand new day Hope will come So will faith Try to trust So here we are In our new found lives. It won?t come easy. So we have to try. It?s a whole new game With rules that we have never known. Quite different 29 years later.

I wrote this. i guess that it is a poem. 2 years tomorrow. Remembering Photos Letters Feeling your love and presence so strongly. Tears Gratitude Honoring Letting go of some of the past. Discovering my new life. Trusting in the future. Love you honey.

The woman that I dated for 7 months never felt threatened by DW. She was divorced. She wanted to know about Cindy and our life together. She would be the one to bring it up. One divorced woman that I dated was somewhat anxious and she did feel uncomfortable about DW. Ultimately, that ended that. I have felt comfortable dating people of either status. I have met some wonderful people. However, ultimately I think that it would be special to be with a widow. To have that level of understanding. I do believe that I am a better person on this earth, having survived this sudden and unexpected tragedy. An enhanced appreciation of life and what is most important. I worry less. There are many other traits and characteristics that I feel are more emphasized and positive. It would be nice to find a woman who is compatible and who feels some of these same positive things.

College Days.

The foundation built from your love and kindness, makes this new life so much easier.

You have a unique appreciation of life that can lead to amazing things.

Thank you widowat33. I remember when I first started on this "journey," I was wondering what the timeline would be. Will this intense pain and sorrow ever subside? So many questions. Although everyone's journey is so different, I think that it is so good for those that are earlier on to see that for most people things do get better with time. Cindy and I were blessed. Relatively speaking our life together and our relationship was so easy. We were friends for nearly 10 years before we became a couple and got married. We both shared the belief that family comes first above everything else. We had a commonality of faith and beliefs. So many amazing adventures together. She was always so expressive of her love for me. I hope that she felt the same way about me. Her last words to me before she lost consciousness for the last time: "I always loved you." Sometimes I wonder if she was making a statement that her love for me never wavered. Or, was she telling me that I should have asked her out in college? Or both? She did once say to me in more recent years: "I kind of wished that you would have gotten things started sooner."

Congratulations Mangomom! Cindy passed the month after our son graduated from high school. Our daughter graduated from college a year later. I can appreciate what you wrote. (((Mangomom))) It would be nice if the college wasn't too far away from you. Far enough away for him to live there and have some independence, but close enough (1-2 hour drive) that you can see each other whenever you want to. I think that most colleges do offer counseling, or he would still be close enough to see his therapist occasionally. My daughter's college was a 7-1/2 hour drive. My son's college is about a 50 minute drive. I'm glad that we are able to see each other so often. I'm very glad that we were able to see each other so much during that 1st year of college. I did help him so much.

(((Baylee)))

I wrote this at seven months. We had a wonderful service for my wife. So many of our college friends and other close friends were able to make it from the East Coast and the West Coast. We probably had about 170 people at the service. We moved here 7 years ago. So I was glad that so many people were able to attend. Afterwards, we had a formal reception at my niece's house. That was followed by family and close friends coming over to our house. It's a long story, but I've been exposed to Japanese culture since I was in grade school. My wife and I met in college. After college she joined the Peace Corps and was in C?te d'Ivoire. She travelled for awhile after that and then returned to the states. Soon she was ready to travel again and took a job teaching in Japan. Cindy had a gift for languages. She taught herself (no formal classes) to read, write and speak Japanese during the two years that she lived there. We stopped in Japan on our honeymoon. We went back there several times during our marriage. Several of our Japanese friends would send their children to stay with us for extended visits. I could go on and on about our appreciation of Japanese culture. If you were to see the inside of our house, it would be apparent. In August I went and climbed Mt. Fuji and had a memorial service for Cindy on top of Mt. Fuji. Fuji-san is very special in Japanese culture, so I thought that this would be a very fitting way to honor her. I was joined by some of my in-laws. I feel blessed that I was able to do this. I also feel blessed that her family has been so kind to me. I also feel blessed that we had good weather. It was raining just before we started our ascent. It started raining again as we finished our descent.

This coming up June will equal 3 years. I would say that "Once a widow, always a widow" is true for me so far. The sadness and pain are gone at this point. I am optimistic about the future. In many ways I feel that being widowed has changed me. In many ways I feel like it has just amplified characteristics and traits that I already had. I have experienced death before many times over the years. Friends, relatives, my sister and my parents. For some, I was at their side at their final moment. But as we all know, losing a spouse is in a whole different universe as it relates to pain, sorrow and affects us to our very core. I do like to stay connected to this community. It's great to be able to go to a bago and hang with other wids. I enjoy spending time with widowed people that I meet in my travels. And after what we have gone through, we have the ability to help others who have experienced loss in so many ways. So I do hope that when I post here it does help others. I'll never forget the 1st time that I joined an online community and posted about my loss. It meant so much to see the responses, words of support and encouragement.

deedee, So sorry for your loss. Glad that you found this caring and supportive online community. Sending good thoughts your way. Mac

My children love me and are expressive of that. I feel that life is being kind to me. I'm too stupid to worry about much!

Sending good thoughts/vibes. Keeping you in my prayers. Fingers crossed Kate.

The woman that I dated was so different from DW. I'm glad that you feel that it was a positive experience for you and part of your journey. I feel the same way. She was kind enough to say to me: "I will always cherish this time that we spent together." Wow, grateful for that! These experiences do make us more "grounded," help us define what is most important in terms of needs and the compromises that we are willing to make.