arneal

Good for you Tybec! So happy for you as well and can't wait to tell such a great story

A different take on smartassy? Had a guy on OKCupid send me a message. I messaged back. He sends all this contact info (IM, email. phone# ...) and is pressing to know more about me. Minimal info on his profile, didn't give up much when I asked him, other than he's posted in Syria right now (go on and roll your eyes, I did). My reply? 'As I am not able to travel right now, I am looking for someone closer to me so we can meet. Best of luck with your search.' His reply? 'You could post a sign in front of your house saying you want to meet somone closer and then maybe you will' (paraphrase). Didn't you know I was far when you answered my message.' (yes, closed a question with a period lol) So here we go -- maybe this is the site where I learn how to ghost. Nope. I answered: 'Yes, I saw you were far but answered because it would have been rude not to. Again, all the best in your search.' Am supposed to get together with my local guy this weekend. Still looking forward to the day when I can delete these profiles lol!

Thanks for this thread -- it's something I guess I've had on my mind the last couple of days ... sort of. I've been widowed twice. The first marriage, to put it bluntly, sucked. He was abusive, so much so that I still had nightmares about him for about 10 years after he died and well into my second marriage. The second marriage was what taught me how good things can be; second husband encouraged my creativity as he was a musician. He had his issues like we all do, but also had health problems. I cared for him until the end and as God saw fit was able to work from home to be here for him. It was tough but I would not have wanted it any other way. Now I am looking to build a relationship with someone new. I am totally not looking in for someone like second husband, even though I loved him to the core. Just the nature of trying to date is out of my comfort zone! However, I realize that I am ready to move forward; I don't want to think about what he would have thought about what I am doing (that was a crazy sentence!). I have been cleaning my garage and found all these photos -- most of them I've saved for my stepdaughter but bunches of them I've put in envelopes to send to other relatives and friends. I am interested in this one guy and he's been to my house; I am grateful that he doesn't seem freaked out by all the pictures of my 'former family' all over the place -- without them, the walls would be almost bare lol! He's not a widower and has never pressed me for any info. I am pretty open and on dating sites do tell people I've been widowed twice. If it scares them, obviously we won't be compatible as this is my experience. Take it, leave it, it's all good. Best to you, sister!

That's interesting about eHarmony, MrsDan -- they have a commercial where the woman says she isn't religious and the guy says that's not a problem. Is there something overt about the faith aspect? I have faith as a component I'm looking for but haven't limited myself to a narrow view. Despite all that, eHarmony just didn't do it for me ... Late afternoon update -- you all got me curious about this OKCupid so I went and made a profile. Folks sure are friendly over there lol! I got a few emails right away so we'll see. Took a chance and texted someone who had been trying to get my attention on the main site I've had a profile on; his spelling is horrid and he uses text speak almost exclusively, even though he's like 58. Sorry, but I still text with full words and to be honest, it's annoying me to the point I don't want to keep it up. Sigh -- come on, 'guy I like' (fingers crossed that it will continue to develop so I can get off this weird carnival ride called online dating)

Match and eHarmony were a waste of time for me. Like you, sdarrah, I wanted to reach outside my zone in various ways ... I didn't want to meet men who were only from within the site's prescribed age range or race/ethnicity. I joined a couple of interracial sites, which is where I met guy I've been seeing (and am interested in) and the texters. Speaking of which, the one texter popped up today after being silent for a few days. This is an interesting journey for sure!

(shaking head) CaptainsWife -- I have no words. Sending hugs your way! That's just ... oh wait, I do have a word: gross.

Oh, and as an aside, what we've all mentioned here is the tip of the iceberg. If you want to laugh until you cry (or maybe just to cry), check out the Tinder laughs on Pinterest at https://www.pinterest.com/o0ashlea0o/tinder-laughs/. The things people will say are shameless! I have a friend on Facebook who posts some of the most hysterical conversations she's had with these men who want to just hook up. She is crude but they don't seem to care ... it is a crazy world!

MrsDan -- totally agree. I am in Southern California so nothing is close lol! I am not up for the out of state dude after my first interaction with a scammer and after deciding I don't have a problem looking and even responding to those who might be farther away, I tell them up front that I am interested in someone local, who I could actually meet for a meal or a coffee. The last texter guy may have faded away; he's out of state and sent me a message on Saturday to ask if he could call me. Nope -- I was cooking dinner for the local guy I like I actually waited until later to send a message, indicating that I had been busy. He sent a 'hello' message and then didn't respond anymore. He'd also asked me if I thought I was ready for a relationship. Please, guy. But I digress: local guy I like lives about an hour from me. We often meet for meals or movies somewhere in between. When we got together for the 4th of July, he drove to my house so we could ride together to the fireworks location, which was about halfway between anyway. I think it boils down to how interested are both parties. CaptainsWife -- seriously, we need to do an internet roundup of the knuckleheads. I've had a spat of winks and so on from people who are either not in the age range (what's up with the guys my kids' ages?!) or who have none of the 'looking for' traits I have clearly listed on my profile? I wrote a rant about it (this particular site has a diary section where you can post stuff that others read) and had a very nice young man send me a message, complimenting me on what I'd said and that I used correct punctuation and grammar, which was nice to get instead of his trying to connect lol!

Thanks, tybec -- I am not a person who rushes by nature and I see he has that same trend. However, he's been more touchy-feely of late, not in a bad way or an overly sexualized way, but it seems natural. I'm teaching myself to enjoy the process. Interestingly, he was over for dinner on Saturday and while we were outside chatting after the meal, my neighbor (who was a bit inebriated) walked by with her dog. She was trying to be nosy and I was sort of rude as I did not introduce her ... anyway, in the midst of her conversation, she looks me up and down and announces, 'Dang, you're looking sexy today, girl!' I was so embarrassed in front of this man, I can't even tell you. As one of my friends said, it's all so junior high

Makes sense, Semper. I guess I would say that also having minimal experience with all this, I am leaving openings for conversation but am fully focused on what is tangible. 'Guy I met' is tangible and I am 100% present in that. Texter gets minimal attention at this point and besides, he does not live around here.

klim -- new thread for a discussion of the process of online dating might not be a bad idea, since this one was for venting and such ... would love to join in! So I started watching Matthew Hussey's videos on Youtube and got one of his online books as well; he talks about the fact that while dating, if we focus on one person, what if he's not 'the one'? We might have let 'the one' go by because we were not willing to take the coffee date. I have had two of three texters ghost on me over the last week and a half, while one is still hanging in there. Texter actually sent me a message a little while ago, asking if he could call me. Haven't responded as I am preparing to have dinner with guy I have been meeting. I'll answer texter tomorrow, since the other thing Matthew says in his videos is that we can take our time ... I know I like to answer messages right away but I am learning to let them sit for a bit. You might want to check him out ... pretty good advice from a cute young British fellow

I agree, Forgotten. I try to be the one to suggest the meeting place. Somewhere that I am familiar with but that is reasonable, distance wise. For the guy I did meet, the first time I chose somewhere that I thought would be about half-way between us. I got there first and scoped the scene, figuring if he looked like his photo, etc. I would give it a go. It was a public place and at lunchtime so there were a lot of people around. Love that you got the readings, Needy I've thought about it too!

Thanks for sharing, Semper -- I love how you are caring for yourself in this process. It is so difficult! Yikes, Captains Wife -- you saw your own FB page?! Were you and he friends on there? I guess I wouldn't mind if we were friends and he sent the pic because he was on FB and was thinking of me ... Needy -- I'm with you. Trust is so hard, especially if you've been duped somehow. I tend not to be trusting in general, which is contradictory to how I'd like to be. I enjoy being a free spirit and having to be on guard all the time just sucks. I am trying my best to be chill with the guy I met (not even sure if it's okay to say 'seeing' since we haven't labeled ourselves ... have been spending some kind of time almost every weekend since late May, outside of our respective work times) but have been open to text messages. Two guys have ghosted on me; they were creeping me out a bit. This last one is hanging in there. Not sure about him yet. He seems in a hurry for us to be an 'us', even though he doesn't live close. I know long distance things happen but I'm not really down for it. Especially since I like this other guy. See? So difficult ...

klim - great question! On one of the sites I visit regularly, there is an option to choose to see messages and such from those who have photos. I go into the 'not matching your profile' section of my messages to see what's up in case there's an interesting profile in there. Most often, it's like there's nothing on the profile at all, dude is so far from what I said I was interested in, or he wants to text/IM rather than send messages on the site. I ask for photos and if I don't get one at least (which I promptly do a search for to see if he might be legit as a first step), I delete and don't respond -- after all, if you can't send a photo or acknowledge that I asked for one, that's rude! I have about five photos on my profile, so there it is. Secondly, I have him send me his # first. I do a search on it and ask if the #s location doesn't match where he says he's from. People travel -- I get that. However, some of these ehem, gentlemen, don't know how to respond. I've had a few get offended (delete), others not answer (delete), still others who say they have family wherever the other place is and they don't want to lose touch (delete -- even though I get it that some people don't have long distance, but that's less common these days), and some who say they just moved or it's a work # (sometimes give a chance for more conversation). Bottom line is if someone isn't willing to give up more info when you ask (and you're asking because you want to know more about them before opening yourself up), it's probably not worth going too deep. CaptainsWife - wow ... what a lame excuse to ghost! I too am rolling my eyes all over the place. I have light carpets and dogs. Yes, after having had three puppies in this place, they are a mess: clean but stained from spills and such. I need to rent a rug doctor or something and I shared that with the guy I have gone out with before he came over here. When he got here, he looked around and made fun of me because I had told him not to judge my organized chaos of a house -- said it was lived in and neat. You know that got big browny points straight away Another time, he asked if I'd been cleaning and when I said no, he looked surprised. He's never had a problem sitting on dog hairy couches and always says no when I offer to put the covers on. As an aside, we got together this past weekend to see a movie and have dinner. Fabulous time. We might be inching closer to a um ... more personal connection. At least I hope so. I'll leave a sordid hints for the kagill thread though when the time is right LOL!

Semper! So sorry for your early loss ... I get it, having been 30 when the first husband died (another story for another time ... I think I've told it elsewhere on here though). I love your clowns and circus analogy! Perfect!

Thanks, Needy. My first husband was my 'first' and it was awful, to be honest. I thought I never wanted anyone to touch me again. Abuse can do that ... it can also lead to bad choices, so when the first husband died, I wanted to know if I was as ugly and undesirable as he suggested. Couple of hookups and I was over all that. Met second husband and we were together for 16 years; he gave me an appreciation for intimacy but after getting sicker and dealing with prostate surgery, etc., our sex life disappeared. I wasn't mad about it or anything, didn't really miss it. I think I was so focused on making sure he was okay that it didn't matter as much. Now that I am alone, I desire to be close to a man again. As an aside, I went out with my 'met online' friend again last night. I have high hopes that we will be intimate one day. His kisses and hugs are amazing and I think he was turned on when we were saying goodnight outside the movie theatre. I could barely stand it so it could have been my overactive imagination ...

Agreed, Needy -- it does seem to come in packs lol! Tinder is a hook-up site, as I understand it. Swipe one way to indicate interest, swipe the other way for no interest. The messages my Facebook friend mentions are always from guys looking just for sex. I don't have it on my phone so I am not sure if it's more than that ...

I'm trying!

Thanks so much, momto! I am making necessary changes in my life, which keeps me busy when I'm not feeling absurdly lonely for a relationship Fortunately, I am much too private a person to do the hook up thing, as based on one of my Facebook friends who delights in sharing crazy Tinder stories, would be simple to find. I have given myself home improvement and personal improvement projects, including cleaning the garage (finished Phase One today! Now I can start re-organizing) and going to the gym regularly. I want to take care of me and mine so when the time is right for me to be in a relationship I will have something to offer that is (hopefully) comparable with whatever he will bring. Needy -- I agree with Serpico; no one wants to be ghosted and as momto said, don't hesitate to say what you mean. The last two people I've been texting (the early romantics lol) both are at a distance. I was very clear that I am interested in connecting with someone close by and am not in a position to travel. They have continued to text for the most part. Haven't heard much since yesterday when I made it clear that I was not going to quickly reciprocate their endearments. Such is life but at least they know where I'm coming from. We can't always figure out the motives of others but at least we can be clear about our own.

Yes, Needy -- so good to see you! And no, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I had a guy message me a while ago. We texted for about a day or two and then he ghosted. Whatever. I don't have time for that. Had a guy send me the online dating equivalent of 20 questions yesterday or day before ... his last questions were about what I did for a living and when I told him, he then asked me if I liked what I did. My response: 'Of course -- if I didn't, I wouldn't be in debt trying to make it work' (closed with a nice smiley face and lol). He disappeared. Again, whatever. Don't try to get all up in my business and get judgmental ... it'll make me think that when you saw 'widow' you also saw dollar signs. I work in education, so I'll most likely be cash-poor until after I die ... Sunshine -- can't remember if it was on this thread or another, but I mentioned reading a bit about zodiac sign traits. Again, I don't read horror-scopes (lol) or any of that muck, but from the psychological perspective, I am interested in how much like our star signs we are. I see a lot of Aquarius in me, so when I found out he was a Cancer, I had to go research. It seems that our star signs are not naturally compatible but with work can be a dynamic duo. That was good news In reality, I see that his communication style and mine tend to be different, which is okay too. We're in the learning stage, right? Got a text this morning; he said he went off grid for the weekend and he'll ring me tonight. I can understand that; I live by my own schedule and can happily not deal with people for long stretches if needed for my own mental comfort. I plan to have a conversation about where I'm coming from, as you mention, in a caring way. After all, we can only come from the spaces we know best. As another aside, one of the 'terms of endearment' fellas texted me this morning to ask if I missed him. Really? My Jersey girl almost came out but I replied nicely that I would reserve my answer since we don't know each other that well yet. The second 'terms of endearment' fella texted something about thinking of me all the time. Again, really? You don't know me, dude. Guess you're thinking of the me of your imagination ... lol.

Yes, Still -- I was going to say something like that, as well as feel free to invite us over for the next batch, Tofino!

Thanks for sharing, Missing -- you made me remember something I hadn't thought about in a long time ... So I was 30 when my first husband died. My neighbor volunteered to mow my backyard; it was a little patch of crabgrass that I could take care of with a weed wacker in about a half hour, but since he volunteered, I thanked him and went on. Mind you, he and his wife's house was right across a little walkway; if she reached out her kitchen and I reached out mine, we could hold hands. Anyway, I noticed after a while he stopped doing it. Not a word. I didn't care and went back to caring for it myself. One of my down the street neighbors asked me about it one day and when I told him that the guy had suddenly stopped mowing, he said (and I'll never forget it), 'That's because you never invited him in for lemonade' with a wiggle of his eyebrows. I was incredulous. I asked him if he was serious and he said yes, that the neighbor was pushing up on me. Even with his wife right there. This neighbor said it didn't matter, that was the kind of guy he was. Needless to say, I moved out as soon as I could. Ew.

Hey, Sunshine! Sounds like some good things are happening for you. Funny -- I think the first guy I 'connected' with tried to reconnect on one of the sites today. He's a scammer and the profile was quickly deleted by the admin's. I have a couple of people I am friendly texting with ... wondering if I'll have to kick them to the curb since (I may have mentioned) they get friendly quick with the 'honey' and 'babe' tossed into the conversation. One dude is the poetry master -- must have one of those love poem sites bookmarked on his phone as he's sent me a couple. I mention the author and say it's nice, just so he doesn't think I'm over here swooning. As far as my 'met in person' person, we've been getting together pretty regularly on the weekends, except for this one. He works crazy hours (confirmed ... he has on-call times as a technician and I've witnessed what that looks like) so I tend to maybe send a text during the early part of the week and another toward the end and we talk to confirm the plan. He's come over and I've cooked dinner, we went to see fireworks on the 4th, we've gone to the movies and out to dinner ... but he fell off the earth this weekend. Last texts were Friday after he worked an extra long day with a suggestion to get together yesterday (Saturday) but I didn't hear from him at all. I tried to reach him today but had to leave a message. Only did that because a two or three weeks ago, he called me on a Thursday and was concerned about not hearing from me; turns out he hadn't received my texts at the beginning of the week. So, will leave it go and see what happens next.

Just be yourself, duckie. People are weird about young folks whose spouses have died. Trust me, having to tell people I've already been through it twice and I'm not 50 yet ...

It takes all kinds. Sigh. I was first widowed at 30 and again at 47. I am taking better care of myself now than I have in all my life and have been told I am looking younger all the time. I don't do a lot of social things because people can be weird. It's hard, but it give us resilience I suppose ...