arneal

Ha! It was the snow that drove me west

Yes, Momto -- there are plenty of hook up folk out there. Not my style either. I tell NG that I don't share And the hair color thing. Wow. On a separate note, and I don't remember noticing before, but you're in Jersey? That's home for me (born in Cape May County, went to Rutgers New Brunswick, lived in DE and PA for a bit, met second LH in Salem County ...).

That is beautiful. Interesting times, aren't they? I had a memory pop up on Facebook this morning; it was a photo of me, LH, and some friends at my high school reunion four years ago. I shared it because the little message under said the person who shared it made it semi-private so only certain people could see it. Next thing I know, NG has given it a 'like'. I cracked up, thinking he wouldn't see it since he's not part of my high school crowd

Thanks for sharing, Twin Mom. I did a 'clean break' from my first husband's oldest daughter when he died. Long story short, he had three daughters, three different moms, hadn't married any of them. He was abusive to me and I did not want to taint their image of their dad. The oldest was closest to us and really loved my son as her little brother. She had sent us gift cards one Christmas (at that time, we had moved a distance away and so never called or saw each other) and I mailed them back with a letter, explaining that there were things she didn't know and didn't need to know and that I was needing to go on with life. I think about her still. This situation was different because I've been in SD's life for more than half of it, even though it has been difficult. Her relationship with her mom is more like sister-friends. They talk about everything -- I mean relationship details, they cuss at each other, it's so different from anything I've ever experienced. So far, I haven't heard from her. She will 'like' my posts on Facebook but hasn't reached out to me and I haven't reached out to her. Like you said, I will do what I can for her from a distance. She just can't live here.

Oh, tybec -- that is horrid. You and others here are right to bring up the tangle of complications that 'separated' can cause. I think it all boils down to having the deeper conversation. Like Rob made the choice to back away and in the end, the date happened (albeit no sparks).

Thanks for sharing, Sunshine. That is an interesting reply ... hadn't pressed it because he hadn't found anyone new sounds like the not-yet-ex may still be a FWB. My LH had been legally separated from his former when we met; he hadn't finalized because he was standing on the grounds that she should pay a portion of the costs. When that didn't happen, he filed. I actually did the paperwork NG was separated when we met and his divorce just finalized last month. It was something I didn't talk about with him, even though he brought it up straight away; I tend to be more of a wait and see, and if you don't do what you say I'll call you on it. I didn't have to call BS in either situation, thank God, and both LH and NG were/are worth the wait in my estimation

Semper - thank you for sharing your journey about this. I know it can't be easy. I imagine many of us have had those moments of not trusting, of needing to find closure in some way. But what a relief it is to get to a point where we can close that chapter and move on. As you said, now you can concentrate on the more important aspects of your life. I pray that things go well for you and NG and I imagine that it will now that you are both moving forward {{{hugs}}}

serpico -- for me it was a matter of trust. I don't know who's on the other side of the screen. I need a minute to get to know the person. I felt better offering an alternative to my primary mobile # first rather than a complete aversion to giving out a number. Can't speak for others but that was my rationale

Momto -- full stop guy: wow! I have tried the Google search on mobile phone numbers and didn't have much luck, which was why I was happy to find Sideline so I wasn't giving out my primary number straight away. I appreciated the opportunity to connect off-site since many of the ones I had been on required you to pay and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. However, the number of men who wanted to use apps instead of texting was sort of weird to me. I'd get questions like 'Do you have so-and-so app? Let's connect there and get off the site', or some were more direct and would say, 'Download so-and-so app so we can talk offline'. Really? I downloaded one of those apps when one guy asked me nicely and after our messages on the site were friendly. However, he used too many emoticons and too much text-speak for me (I text in full sentences - ha!). Eventually, I used the free weekend opportunities and tried to stay on the site longer because of the weird experiences. It was one of those free times that I ended up meeting NG

Thank you for sharing, MrsDan ... your post helps tons! I pray that you and NG have a great time, regardless of what anyone else is feeling. I have thought about what it might be like to go back 'home' with NG but think it would be great because he has a sister who lives not far from my mom, who thinks it's great that I've met someone. I am still communicating with members of LH's family (a couple of cousins and an aunt specifically) -- the one cousin is very supportive as she has been widowed multiple times herself. I am grateful for all who get what this journey is about. Appreciate you very much {{{hugs}}}

Thanks, MrsDan. I agree with you 1000% about the confrontation issue. This is a rather incendiary young woman and frankly, I'm not up for it. I've been hung up on, yelled at, and so on over the years. Much of it I chalked up to immaturity, but now that she's 30 and I see many of the same responses toward things not so serious, I am not in the emotional frame of mind to deal with all that. You are also right -- I needed to do this in a way that I wouldn't be interrupted and in a way that my words can't be changed if repeated to anyone else. They are in ink. Yes, it would be difficult should the relationship end, but her dad and I had numerous conversations about her attitudes and I can't envision that he would want me to put myself through it either. My hope is that she will take some time to allow herself to heal. She posted today that 'she misses her daddy'. Ironically, I had posted about my dad as today would have been his birthday.

tybec -- I think we may be twins lol! The posts here definitely give me hope about my NG and your story in particular is inspiring. I am enjoying the moment and look forward to deeper discussions with him about what's next. However, I'm not getting hung up on what might never be because today's aren't even promised. It's nice to be happy in some form after so much loss ...

Thanks, imiss -- that helps a ton. I too go to the gym now as part of my sanity-making/keeping, I do what I feel I need to do to move forward, to care for myself. I haven't heard anything from my stepdaughter since the call-out on social media. I am still anxious about what my next encounter with her will be like but am praying that she talks to somebody about the situation and they give her wisdom about allowing me space to heal.

I wasn't sure where to share this, so please hang in there with me For those who don't know my story, my second husband died after a number of illnesses, during which I was his caregiver. After he died, my stepdaughter came to my house to ultimately attend the local memorial and carry her father's ashes back to where they would be interred. In those moments, I felt very much alone and talked with her about coming to stay for a while as she established a new life for herself. Fast forward to the now. I am involved with someone who I hope will be my Ch3 (have been widowed twice). I've had time to be alone and gather my wits again. In that time, I realize that it's been about 27 years since I was able to take care of just myself -- in that time, I went through an abusive marriage, raised a special needs child, and a second marriage that was very good but had its challenges because of the health things. I have been able to focus on myself for a bit and know I need to do more in that area. I need to make a comfortable and happy place for me. My stepdaughter is 30 and as I took the time to reflect, I realized that she wasn't moving toward something by coming here, she was running away from something. I began to also realize that I didn't want her in my house. I couldn't imagine how she would be with NG. We spend time here together and it's a small house. I am also trying to handle all the bills by myself on still a part-time salary, so having another person here (she would probably be coming without a job in place) using the utilities and such would be a strain. I tend to be better in writing so I wrote her a heartfelt letter. I think she received it. She evidently rang my phone this morning (didn't leave a message) and instead of calling me back, made a comment on social media asking didn't I see that she had called. I replied that I had gone to church early, had been home all day, but didn't have any voicemail messages. There has been no response to that reply but I can tell you my anxiety went through the roof. I just want to move forward with my life with as little hassle as possible. How has your transformation and growth into new relationships and life gone? How did you handle the people connected to your former spouse? How do you deal with the results of the emotions that you expressed in those early days that may no longer align with the person you have become? Thanks for reading and I look forward to your responses. Just feeling a bit stressed by the whole thing.

Agree with Semper, mmg -- congratulations!

Momto ... I confess, I had to laugh about the no-remembering-because-of-boobs guy. It is a crazy thing, this world of dating. That's why a couple of dear friends and I call it 'junior high'. So silly.

Emotions are such a weird thing. I realized not too long ago that it's been 27-ish years since I had an opportunity to take care of just me. I am introverted by nature and an only child, so being alone isn't a problem. I married an abusive man who died just before our son turned 4, jumped out there with a couple of flings (to prove that I wasn't as ugly and undesirable as the husband said I was. Yes, stupid, but it helped me get my head clear a little), married again and after 16 years of being together he died. My first reaction was to want someone to be in this house as my son wasn't here anymore. I told my stepdaughter she could live here when she got herself together and could move. I realized I wanted to date and after meeting NG realized having another grown woman here wasn't going to work, that I couldn't take care of her and myself. I wrote her a letter, explaining I needed the space to heal myself. No response as yet. However, I have gotten my frame of mind ready for what a future would look like with NG. I look forward to waking up next to someone every day, having coffee together, late night talks and giggles, special meals I've cooked ... do I need it? Nah, but I would like it a whole lot

Semper - firstly, thank you for sharing. Trust is a difficult issue for many of us, particularly if we have been through a rough relationship in the past. Add on to that a lack of dating history and widowhood and this could easily be a near nightmare. I was glad to read your post just here, that you had a good conversation and were able to step back and think through next steps. Be good to yourself, honor your gut, and be strong. That is the best way to maintain your own sanity through this weird world of dating. {{{hugs}}}

Hi, Needy: I added a second phone number to my mobile. If you search your app store, you should find Sideline -- it's free and works like your regular number. There is a paid version but I don't use it that much. It allows you to make and receive calls and texts. I like it because I don't want someone I am unsure about to have my real # straight away. I used it as the contact number when I signed up on dating sites as well. In the case of NG, I gave it to him the first time we chatted online and used it for about a month of our initial contact. I then gave him my regular mobile #. Funny you asked this question because he happened to call me on the Sideline # yesterday as he still has it programmed in his phone

Still -- never give up He's out there!

Hugs to all who are feeling this way Settling is sometimes necessary but uncomfortable. I've been reading a lot about dating and ways to make a relationship work and one of the things that keeps circling round is that it is never a good idea to settle for a partner's bad (define as you will) behavior. If you have feelings for the person but he or she isn't committing, it might be because there is a vibe that you won't go anywhere, no matter what he or she does. And if you do, it won't be for long. Bottom line, care for yourself and if you can help it, don't settle. You are worth so much more ...

Lol! Well, thank goodness! Online dating world is weird enough

No way you could make it up ... plus, what's with the same lingo in both messages? Same person perhaps?

Could just be one of those seasons, Missing. right after my husband died, I went through a period where I didn't want to be with anyone ever again. Then, I got somewhat paranoid and wanted somebody to live with. I mean, I even considered a live-in housekeeper (like I can afford that!). I had a conversation with my stepdaughter, who is 30, about coming to live here as she gets herself situated again. My husband did not want me to be alone if something happened to him and as I thought more about how he had said that to me and to our pastor at the time, I wanted to look for a mate of some sort :-\ After one weird online experience, I met current NG and feel very comfortable with him. I am hoping this will be my Ch3. In this process, I think we all go through patches of 'okay', 'horrid', 'good', and so on ...

So sorry, Missing. Do you think that is the case because the men are uncomfortable about widowhood or that you may not be ready to be with someone else? Not prying and please don't feel that you have to answer. I know it might just be that your Ch2 hasn't come on your scene yet, which is fine, too. However, sometimes waiting is so difficult ...