arneal

Thanks, Shelby: I am past the six-month mark and there are days when I feel like I am sailing well. I am developing good relationships with those around me and have changed my general atmosphere. I have scents in the house. I've almost finished cleaning the garage. I play music that I like all day (I work from home). I am in the process of joining a new church. I have what I hope is a developing intimate relationship again, which is welcomed after such a long time without that level of closeness due to my former husband's illnesses. One day at a time ...

klim -- yes! 'eat dried whatever'! Made me laugh because that is so on point. LOL!

I had to laugh about the activity report on a profile because I made sure to say I was going to the gym regularly and was hoping for someone who shared an enjoyment for being fit. I just started going after my husband died because I work a sedentary job and it showed I wanted to put it out there that I was a work in progress and wanted someone who could appreciate that. As it turns out, ng sustained a back injury and lost quite a bit of muscle tone (so he says ... guess I'm just partial because he looks just fine to me lol). He appreciates talking about ways he can get back into strength training and all that so not having a gym partner was certainly not a deal breaker for me. I also stayed away from the profiles where the guy did everything from biking to kayaking to skydiving, etc. If you've got all that going on, I'd never be able to keep up with these knees! And as far as excitement? Not here. I work from home, try to pay my bills, and take care of my dogs ;D However, ng is pretty low key as well and since I do pretty okay in the kitchen and his ex didn't cook, I've gotten brownie points there! It's about figuring out how you connect with someone. How can we relate to one another in a positive way that brings joy to us both.

There is something about the smell of someone else's skin ... feeling their breathing on the back of your neck when spooning ... I didn't realize how much I missed that. New guy is more touchy-feelie than my previous husband and while I thought I wouldn't like that, I find myself enjoying it. I think it just feels ... natural. With my previous husband, it felt very different. Not bad, but I wasn't used to it. Maybe he taught me what I should like about it and now I've figured it out with ng. Sigh.

Thank you for sharing your story, patswife ... you are right about each of us knowing when we feel ready to have someone in our lives again. And even when we think we know, it may not be right. I had that moment of panic a while ago and it was precipitated by a person I was texting who asked me if I felt ready for a relationship. I hadn't actually thought about 'being ready' until he asked. The problem was, he was trying to press me to meet. I need to decide those things on my own terms. As you said, I was in the wind quick with him The guy I am talking to now was different. There was something about our initial online chats and the first phone conversation. I knew right then I wanted to meet him and we set it up at a place I knew that was about halfway between us for two days later. I had an epiphany about dating the other day. This is really my first experience that I would call dating. With my first and second husbands, we were in close proximity to each other -- first husband worked as a contracted driver at the university where I was a student so out of seven days, we probably saw each other five or six days even when before we started talking. My second husband and I worked at the same college and saw each other about five days a week as well. I was reading some info on how to conduct yourself in dating situations and one of the things the writer mentioned was giving yourself time to miss one another. I didn't realize how it worked after my previous two relationships that seemed to develop quickly -- it wasn't that they developed quickly, it was that we were always around each other! With ng, we typically see each other on the weekend because we work weird schedules, text after a date, and then text again maybe mid-week to say hello and figure out what we want to do the coming weekend. It is an interesting experience that is teaching me a lot. I had to consider that since the end of May, we've seen each other about every weekend except maybe one or two, so the progression in our connection to one another is pretty appropriate ... Yes, patswife -- learning experience is the perfect term!

Agreed, Rob -- and that we are discounted by some sites, like we shouldn't mention it or something.

Thanks for sharing, Momto ... there are many parts of a profile that don't get read That was one of my pet peeves. I'd get questions from people and I'd say things like, 'Guess you didn't read my profile -- it's all there' ...

Agreed, tybec! I was irritated by OKCupid that there was no widowed option. It seemed wrong because as you said, there is a difference.

I would be curious to know if anyone has 'experimented' with both statuses to see if there is a difference in the caliber of people who respond. I did not do that but I think it was OKCupid did not have widow as an option so I went for single. Got more hits for the little bit that I was on there, but I don't know if that was a status thing or just due to the site itself.

needy - I think your profile is very good. I laughed at the first line as well Do you put 'widow' as your status? I think that's a weirdo magnet sometimes. I wonder if those persons think we're desperate, needy, stupid, wealthy, or some combination of all. Sigh.

If you use Google Chrome, you can right-click on the photo and search Google for it. That way you can find out if it's been used on scammer profiles. There's also https://ctrlq.org/google/images/ for Google reverse image search if you don't use Chrome

Interesting point, Semper; I think there are some basics we are 'fond' of looking for in the next chapter if we had them in the first place. Second husband was a kind, artistic, and free sort of spirit who had no problem with his own quirks, much less mine. Yes, I'd love that in the next chapter. First husband? Nothing there I am fond of and look out for it specifically because I don't want any repeats! I find it unusual that there are similarities between new guy and I, things I never suspected. They aren't big things but when they come up, it catches my attention. I have been paying attention to those things more than any similarities to past relationships ... selfish? Probably ;D

Very well said, twinmom!

klim - that reminds me of the guy who told me I should put a sign on my lawn that I was looking for someone close by. Some people will be jerks via online media. Doubt they'd have the stones to say it in a face to face situation. Although, I wouldn't bet on it ;D

Right, Semper -- that's how it was most likely intended. However, there was still the lack of reading on the part of some who expressed interest. For example, I had one guy message me who lived in Virginia or somewhere. After the first few messages, he asked when I was coming there. I said I wasn't and asked when he was coming to California. He said he wasn't. I said, 'Good luck with your search.' He replied with something like, 'Oh, that was quick.' To which I responded with a bit of logic: If I'm not traveling and you're not traveling, it seems our ability to meet would be um ... limited. He answered with an 'okay' and asked if I was on the site for a hookup. When I said no, he ghosted. The next person I got a like from is the guy I've been seeing. Didn't go back on after that, other than for a quick look around once and then to delete my profile.

I love that, Semper! I wish I'd saved the one that I had on the site where I met my current prospect ... don't remember what his said either, but the cool thing about the site was that you could indicate interest in someone and if they indicated interest back, the two of you could message one another as much as you wanted for free. We sent a few messages and he sent me his #; I sent him mine and he called in about five minutes. We set up a lunch date and the rest is unfolding now. Guess that means something I wrote and said was working lol!

Great point, MrsDan! When I realized I felt ready to move forward into dating, I had a conversation with a couple of my dearest sister-friends and with my pastor and his wife as they are essentially my family away from home. Not that I was seeking affirmation but that I wanted people to not be caught off-guard. Anyway, my pastor told me that my former husband had said to him that the one thing that frightened him more than just about anything was that I'd stay alone for the rest of my life. He'd actually made a comment to me once or twice that was similar and I told him that he would be around so there was no need to even discuss it. Well, we see how that turned out, but I was irritated (lovingly) and humbled that he would give me that blessing ... that was love right there. Now I do wonder what he would think about me actually having invited the guy I like into what had been our home ... and into the private spaces ... yet I don't dwell on it. There is no point in making myself crazier!

Thanks for this topic as it is of interest to me as well. First husband introduced me to family quite early and it freaked me out. I wasn't sure I liked him that much but I was young and went along to get along. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have run for the hills lol. Anyway, second husband was different. He was persistent in wanting to date me but after an abusive marriage and being widowed at 30 I was in no rush. He was separated and we didn't introduce our children for a while. Eventually we knew we would be a 'thing' -- there was no conversation specifically but it grew organically. Now here I am, widowed again and dating. I realize how impatient I've been and had a conversation with God this morning about not being particularly fond of the lessons about patience I am regularly being taught lol. In these few months (about three -- we had our first face to face meeting on Memorial Day), I've learned it's been a bit like fishing: I need to trust my bait, wait for the bite, and take it from there. I try to read the signals and act accordingly. We talk openly about our families and I think he is open to having me meet his daughter and granddaughter; on the 4th of July, we were going to a very large fireworks event and he asked if they could come, but as it turned out, it was too far for the short show and his daughter had made other plans. My son and stepdaughter are grown and don't live with me and I have no family here, so there's no one for him to meet that is close. But if they were here, I'd have no problem. I agree with what others have said: there is no formula but it is important o be safe and sure of all the moves you make.

klim - this is something I struggled with as well. I had someone nicely give me a rejection and I've mirrored it. So I had sent an innocuous message like, 'I really liked your profile' and he wasn't interested. His response was something to the effect of 'Thank you for stopping by my profile. While I appreciate it, I am not sure we'd be a match. Best of luck in your search!' I've had a few be weird about it, at which point I ignore them. Occasionally, if they say something that gets under my skin, I have a comeback but try to be decent. Higher road and all that

Thank you, Semper - we had a lovely time. I am very hopeful.

Tybec -- that's rich! LOL!

Hope this isn't TMI ... Had a great evening with the guy I've been spending time with. To be honest, he makes me weak in the knees lol. Last night was about closeness and intimacy, not sex so much, even though we tied it up a little ... I missed that. The feeling and scent of someone else's skin. Spooning. Can't wait to touch him again ...

Ugh, Jovi! That's too much. I deleted all my profiles ... I wasn't satisfied with the conversations that were popping up and it was too much of a distraction. I had a wonderful date with my local guy and will focus my attentions there. I know he's real lol!

We should all partner up and write a book about the real life of widows and widowers. No, really.

Exactly, Semper -- I had never experienced anything like that in my short little life. I was young, recently widowed, and this man who was old enough to be my dad was trying to pull this crap. Needless to say, and after the marriage I had been widowed out of (very abusive, physically and emotionally), I became quite callous. Got over that, but still have a low tolerance for nonsense.