arneal

(hugs) You know we get it.

Yay - klim. What a fabulous weekend share! Good for you.

Glad you are on the same page and hoping for the best for you both, Virgo!

April and Jean -- it isn't easy and you'll definitely want to be sure to invest in yourself first. Find what you enjoy. Thrive in those spaces that make you happy. When you find that comfort zone, it shows and it will be easier to meet other, like-minded folks. Hugs!

Good for you, Virgo. As an aside, many years after my dad died, my mom began a relationship with a man who was our neighbor when I was growing up. Talk about potentially messy -- he had been a friend of my dad's and before my mom had been living with a woman she had worked with for years. It started as a friendship between two widowed people and now they are involved. It can happen and work out. Forget what people say; my pastor just said it today -- people will talk about you, so let them

That makes sense, Sugar ... be careful of his feelings too, particularly if subtle and blunt didn't work. You may need to sit down and have Come to Jesus moment on this issue and get it straight.

The whole sex and intimacy thing was a concern for me as well, Needy. I think I've posted in other places that my mourning began when my former was hospitalized and intubated. They'd given him a 50/50 chance then. He came out of it but had additional debilitating sicknesses after having had a heart condition for years. Prostate cancer took sex but we still loved each other. I was physically desiring it before NG made any moves and the first time he seemed interested, we were out in public (kissing goodnight after a movie) and I didn't catch it until I was in the car and driving home. Could have kicked myself! However, about three weeks later, the same sort of thing happened but we were at my house. I made a comment and he was in agreement. As it turns out, it was pretty close to six months after my former husband's death. It wasn't planned that way, but now that you mentioned it, I did the math. I would say that if you are ready, you are ready. No one can put a time frame on that. However, be sure because intimacy is a tricky thing. You might be in it just for a moment but dude might get hooked. Or vice versa. If you are concerned about getting in too deep too soon, it might not be time ...

Wow, Needy -- like she didn't want to connect? That's cold. I hope you can find a good circle. It's funny how weird I get about this stuff. I've never been a big social butterfly but my former husband was. It drove me nuts to be out and about with him, Mr. Never Met A Stranger. When we drove cross country, we were somewhere down south at a rest stop and somebody called out to him. You guessed it, it was a guy he knew. I am an introvert by nature, which is probably why the idea of online dating appealed to me (didn't think far enough ahead that, if the planets aligned, I'd actually have to talk to or meet someone lol). Anyway, the people at my gym tend to be outgoing so I now take selfies sometimes and don't die doing it ;D Also, one of the women I talk to each week where I volunteer invited me to her house next weekend; it's her birthday celebration. I actually am thinking of going as it's one of the first things I've been invited to just because ...

Hey, Sugar -- good for you for recognizing what you DO want. Too many of us (myself included for a while!) had no idea, other than we needed ... something. I think you hit the nail on the head that now he wants you because you don't want him. You may need to get out and find other folks to date (honestly, I know a few women who do the Tinder thing for a hook up when they need it. No strings) and tell him you aren't ready for 100%. That would probably be the kindest thing to do. That said, if he's good with being there for the hook up only, understands that it's nothing more than that, and you are okay with that, handle your business, honey

Hugs, Needy! I hear you. My former husband (FH -- that's the term I've taken a liking to ...) was quite handy and taught me some of his tricks but it sucks to have to handle every household mishap alone. I hope you meet someone who isn't concerned about his 'own issues'. Ew. Not worth your time if he can't even offer a bit of consolation to a lady trying to keep a house together. NG is a technician and is dying to rewire my audio systems -- cracks me up because the way FH did it quick and easy, not trying to hide any wires, which is the way I would have done it on my own as well. I had an issue with my garage door opener a couple months back; it just gave out. Thought I'd have to scrape up more cash that I didn't have to fix it, but one of the days he was here was an on-call weekend so he had some tools. He got up on the ladder, checked it out, and discovered I had a dead outlet. One extension cord later and it worked. A bit of time went by and I thanked him for fixing it and he commented that he'd found the problem but hadn't fixed it; I had to remind him that where I come from, fixing means whatever you did to get it to work. I think he liked that. You are resilient, my friend. I wrote something about that on my facebook feed today; we are fragile but the other side of that coin is resiliency. It's there -- sometimes it's just not as strong as we'd like Once you get to a place where you are happy (or at least not worried!) about your personal space, you may feel like getting back in the dating ring. In the meantime, take care of yourself. And pop in here to chuckle at our stories

Hope you are okay, Needy. I understand -- after my experience with the creep back in the spring, I put a halt to my online dating adventures. Be well! Hope you'll come back with good vibes from the speed dating event!

I guess that's one of the benefits of having a small circle ... my best friends don't live close so we still have the same sort of relationships we did before I became a widow. Going to the gym has given me a different circle for sure. I wouldn't count them as friends per se since we don't meet up outside that time frame. I did get invited to an event by one of the folks there but it felt weird to go so I didn't I will probably take her up on it should she invite me again. As God would have it, I am developing a friendship with one of my neighbors. They are a nice family and I hope we will be friends -- not in each other's business all the time, but maybe sit around a dinner table and talk once in a while.

fairlane -- you are spot on with that assessment!

Yes! Momto -- that is so true. I was commiserating yesterday about my first marriage, which was (between living together and marriage) a nine-year stint in hell ... the bad choice of getting involved as a young, clueless, idealistic woman. He was my first sexual partner and I was nothing more than a conquest and subsequent receptacle. He didn't take an interest in my pleasure or even to teach me. Thank God for my second husband, who was abundantly patient. I am praying that NG turns out to be a keeper since I thoroughly enjoy being close to him. We are learning each other's good touches, which is a new experience for me now that I have a clue as to what I'm doing LOL

Sharing a real orgasm. Mutual sweat. That is all.

I am over here cracking up about the face palm emoji! So, help me understand why people think such statements as 'convince me' and 'you do have nice legs' after writing something weird is going to make the reader swoon?! I am very confused.

Oh, you've got this! Check out Afar.com for some amazing trip ideas ... going alone, being confident and excited, may bring you more joy than you can imagine! Companies like Afar specialize in 'experiences' rather than vacations. You can live with a host family sort of thing, where you are in the community rather than in a tourist trap. I definitely agree with others -- go for it! Wish I could! I'd love to have an RV and take my dogs on the road, but I am just barely keeping my nose above water financially right at the moment. Lucky I can go around the corner LOL!

MrsKro -- I think it depends. There are the creeps who say all sorts of things and then there's, for lack of a better way of putting it, chemistry of some sort. NG and I chatted online for about 15 minutes and I suggested we meet up for lunch because the chats were flowing. That was the first time we 'met' via the online site. We exchanged phone numbers, he called, and we talked and made actual plans. So far, it's going well and we're about three months in since that first face to face meeting that we scheduled for two or three days after the online chat and initial phone contact. I don't know how typical that is. However, the first guy I chatted with online and exchanged numbers with was one of those creeps. We had even talked about meeting, which would have meant I was going to travel. So glad I wasn't able to really consider it! I think the online chat or text thing is fine but I need to hear a voice. Can we make conversation? What's it like? It will be awkward because we don't know each other, but what do we make of it and do we both feel like a face to face will be cool? Be your most authentic self. Sure, look good and smell good, but don't go out of your way to be something you aren't. If bubbly isn't your style, don't try it. You'll be able to pick up on whether he is putting on airs for you too

twin_mom: my son was about two weeks from turning four when his dad died (my first husband), so my second husband was the only dad he actually knew. He is on the autism spectrum and let me tell you, the teen years were hell. Thankfully in California there are systems in place and he moved out of the house to live in a semi-independent home with some other men. He's still acting up, but wasn't here for the worst of his 'second dad's' illness and death. Praying that your journey is a lot more peaceful! Thank you, all for your encouragement!

Thanks, Mike and I agree with you. It just makes me so sad that, despite all the instruction her dad tried to give her over the years, she is still in this place. I needed to vent about it I suppose. Now that I've posted here and talked with two of my closest friends, I am about done I have a cousin who was widowed and had to deal with stepchildren, so I would like to get her take on it as well. I posted a nondescript 'I am disappointed and sad' post on Facebook last night; the guy I am seeing texted me this morning to make sure he hadn't caused the sadness, which was very sweet. My biggest issue with it is that I opened my home to her; she has a desire to come out to California and right after her dad died we talked about it. However, now that she's back in her old groove, I just can't see it. I am praying that she finds what she needs where she is or (and I hate to say it like this) that her plans to come out here just never quite make it to fruition.

My cousins have gone through that behind their dad (my oldest uncle). When my auntie was sick with cancer, this friend of the family was her caregiver. Needless to say, she and my uncle spent time together. No one lived in their house so the way I see it, no one knows what conversations my uncle and auntie had about his future without her. In the end, he and the caregiver got married and there are still some icy issues. I agree with Taurus. Folks are adults. I think of my own situation. I started looking to date within a couple of months after my husband died. However, this was the second time I'd been widowed, he had been very sick for about a year (my mourning had begun way back then when they told me he had a 50/50 chance), and he often said he didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. He even told our pastor that he was very afraid I would stay alone! I am grateful that the majority of my friends have been supportive. Praying the same for your friend ...

I had a reaction to something that happened yesterday and I am hoping a few of you out there can relate. I have been a stepmom for quite some time. My first husband had three children before we met. Because the marriage was abusive, I separated myself from all three of them after he died. I did not want to taint their picture of their father based on what I and my son had experienced with him. Fast forward to my second marriage -- my second husband had a daughter and I had a son; we used to joke a lot because I always said I couldn't raise a girl, he always said he couldn't raise a boy, and here we were with one of each. He and his daughter's mom got divorced so she felt like she had two moms. I didn't mind that and never tried to replace her 'real' mom, who at first did not like me much. Not sure she does now that our former husband is dead, but she says she loves me ... guess people do grow on each other after 16 years ;D Anyway, my stepdaughter called me yesterday (she is 30, by the way) to tell me that she put me down as a job reference. I didn't say anything at first and then she added that she told the potential employer that I had been one of her professors (she had attended the college where her dad and I had worked before moving to California) and said, 'I didn't tell him you were my mom' with a laugh. I let her finish and said that I was a bit concerned that she should start out on a good footing with a new job, and I guessed she used me because it all came together quickly. She got a bit huffy and said the person at her previous job was no longer there, the employer needed another reference ASAP, she didn't have anyone else, and had never used me as a reference before. I told her that I didn't mind but because of my faith walk felt it a bit awkward because of our real relationship. She got upset sounding and said, 'I can call him back and use a friend instead. I didn't think you would have a problem but since you do ...' ... after saying there was no one else to ask. I reinforced that I did not have an issue giving a reference because I know what she is capable of but that there might have been a better and more upfront way to go about it. I changed the subject and the mood lightened. I feel like 16 years of a mothering relationship was discounted in that moment. I am praying that the employer simply does not call me. She said I should have gotten the call yesterday but there hasn't been anything yet. Am I being too sensitive? I welcome your thoughts and thanks in advance!

Thanks for sharing, Rob! <3

Abitlost - first, {{{hugs!!!}}} Bless you for being out there in the fray! Your friends think you're too picky, they never met me LOL! I realized that I knew nothing about dating when I decided to step into this sharktank so I started reading some relationship blogs. I paid attention and when I found congruent messages that were positive, I started following and getting the newsletters. One of the primary messages is to essentially do what you've been doing. Don't limit yourself as you date but make sure you know what it is you are looking for. Be confident in who you are. Love yourself first. If he doesn't text back, so what. Move on. I know I don't always text right back to my friends because I am doing other things so why should I flip when a guy I sort of am getting to like doesn't text me back in five minutes? Have your own hobbies and don't bend over backwards to be at his fingertips. Jen -- I hear you! And if you wear all of you with confidence, you'll get more attention than someone who you might identify as prettier, younger, more fit, etc. I take pride in my nerdiness, thank you very much (LOL) and the guy I am seeing who I hope will be my Ch 3 (I've been widowed twice) is a technician, so we speak the same language. I didn't think it would happen for me and it didn't just 'happen'. I looked, I found, and I hope I am conquering Praying the same for each of you!

Agreed, Portside. I think because I spend enough time asking interview-type questions for work, I wanted to avoid that on a date. In hindsight, the best thing I did was be me -- the me I am still becoming in this new life. I realized the other day a couple of things that make dating weird: First, it dawned on me that I've not been single for about 25 years ... nearly half my life. When I got married the first time, there was no social networking and barely personal computers. Second, in both instances, conversation was much more organic because we saw each other every day (first husband was a contractor at the college I attended and second husband and I worked in the same building). Questions like, 'Hey, how's it going?' weren't awkward. Now that I am on the other side of both those experiences as a widow, I realized another couple of things: I need to be me in all instances. I'm too old to be anyone else so I better like me. I better enjoy my own hobbies. I better know how to laugh at my own jokes (and at myself) before trying to allow someone else into my circle. I think I mentioned that I have dogs; I refer to myself as the pack leader and everyone who knows me also knows these two monsters are closer to me than my children. This is my real life so whoever connects with me should be willing to understand my quirks just as much as I try to understand theirs. For me today, the organic nature of conversation and connection is the same, but different (groan - can't believe I wrote that ;D). If I meet a new person and only see him once a week or so, I can't expect the level of connection to happen as quickly as it had in my past relationship(s) where I was seeing the person nearly every day. That was an epiphany for me ... NG and I have seen each other nearly every weekend for the past three months, but that would equate to two weeks' worth of conversation between my former husband and me. When NG and I first met, I can't begin to tell you what we talked about! The phone conversation lasted more than an hour and the first time we met face-to-face, we talked for almost three hours. I think there was a level of compatibility there so we talked about family, where we were from, what brought us to this area, what sort of work we did. We still talk a lot about those general topics, which is also real life, right? After that long-winded rabbit trail, my advice would be to be comfortable. If playing 20 questions works, go for it. But be sure to listen to what the other person is saying because it goes a long way if you show interest in what he or she says and can remember it later.