arneal

Faye -- we must have roomed with the same person! My second roommate during my undergrad years did the same thing the first semester break and came back to school ashamed and disillusioned.

Happy Tuesday all! I had to pop in and share this because only those of you here would understand ... I have a neighbor who is so anti-relationship most of the time it's enough to drive you batty. From what I gather (and I don't ask because I am sure it would just fuel the behavior), things were not the greatest between her and her ex. There have been a few opportunities for her to date but she won't go for them for various reasons. The last time she mentioned being asked out, she said the guy wanted her to come to his place because (his words) it would be good for her to get out of her own house since she rarely went anywhere. She refused, saying to me that he's inviting her because 'he only wants one thing'. She used to crack jokes when BF would stay the weekend. Anyway, when he moved in, it was obvious she wanted to ask a bunch of questions. I was waiting for the day she would invite herself down A couple weeks ago, he changed jobs so the big work vehicle that had been in the driveway had to go back. I kept parking in the usual spot but he would pull the car into the center of the driveway so I started doing it too. Earlier today, she sent me a text, asking if I was okay because she noticed he wasn't here anymore. I just about spit the water I was drinking across the room, thinking she wasn't paying too close attention since his non-work vehicle was outside the garage for like two days. I replied that he was here but had returned the work truck a couple weeks ago since he switched jobs. Her reply was that she was glad all was well 😆 Yep, it is.

Portside -- it's tough reading yeah? The problem I find is that often such articles are all or nothing ... meaning that you get either a "here's why online dating is all perfect" or a "here's why online dating is all crap" sort of feel. I would say if the experiences are more negative than positive and the person doing the writing can't deal with the law of averages (there are how many people on this planet? how many of them might be looking to date and use online methods to meet people? how many of them are good and generally honest? how many are horrible?), you'll get a bias. The reverse is also a thing: if the experiences are good, the person doing the writing will probably paint a lovely image only. The reason my writing colleagues and I were talking about creating a site was after one of them shared a dating experience. She had met this guy and we all thought it was a good thing -- she seemed happy, the kids seemed happy, the guy seemed happy. She shared that he fussed a bit at her because of how she acted around other people he knew; he didn't mind her personality (she is a writer after all -- a bit of colorful language here and there, loving to share stories and so on) when it was just them but when they went out, he wanted her to be different, to not talk basically. They couldn't come to terms on it and the relationship went kaput. The ensuing conversation was about who we are as people -- is it fair to expect a date or significant other to be one way and then change in other circumstances -- and how we are received by those we connect with when dating. Who is the one getting accepted: the 'real' us or the one the other person thinks they see? Many online sites don't give people the chance to be raw and real

I think one of the things that attracted me to BF was that his profile said the same as mine -- looking for friendship as well as looking for an intimate relationship, not just a sex partner. We talked about that straight away as well. A couple of social media writer friends and I were chatting about creating a new dating site that encourages people to be a bit more up front about all that. I'll keep you all updated -- maybe some here would be willing to beta test for us, take a walk-through and tell us what's missing ...

Totally get that. My second husband was also separated when we met and moved in together but it was a legal separation, paperwork and all. Same with BF. That's different than not living in the same house. LH didn't finalize because he wanted ex to take some responsibility. Right, wrong, or indifferent, because she did him way dirty (looked him in his face, said she was getting with another man, then had a baby with said dude who promptly disappeared) and it took him a while to realize she wasn't going to step up. He finally filed and paid or it all. BF was just prior to signing the papers when we met and did so as soon as they came. Very different circumstances for sure.

Oh SW. Even if he considered himself to be single, it would have been important to say something up front. When BF and I first connected, I had seen he had separated on his profile. On our first phone call, he brought it up; said he was in process of divorce and that he always said so up front because some women had problems with that status and he wanted to make it clear that he was not connected to her in any way. I was planning to ask if we were going to meet but had mad respect that he brought it up right away. {{{hugs}}}

Hey there, tybec -- best on having a high schooler! Your comment about carrying the history/baggage or taking separate trips is certainly an interesting one. Is it possible to do both? It sounds like that's where you are to an extent. You are there for your BF but have your own things to take care of, which gives your BF space to handle his issues. Just a thought there. {{{hugs}}}

So well-said, Trying.

Most welcome, FW. It's weird, isn't it, how those feelings pop up. I find myself with the craziest imaginings every so often. I shake them off quickly but kick myself for having them in the first place. I suppose the root is still from carrying abuse damage from the first marriage; despite the goodness of my second marriage, I go back into self-protection mode. Not a terribly bad thing I guess but when it's weird and unfounded, ugh. Yes -- happy Friday and good weekend to all!

Hi all and happy pre-Friday I saw this in a relationship email and thought to share in light of the recent conversation. The writer (Matthew Hussey, if you've ever watched his Youtube videos on dating) was sharing an occasion where he and the person he was dating had a disagreement. He indicates rather than working to avoid having a disagreement in the first place, figure out what to do if one happens. In his story, his GF was downloading photos from phone to computer and there was a nude one that she had sent to someone she had been dating before him. He mentions that he realizes it is irrational to feel angry about something she did with someone she dated before him, but in recognizing his own anger and realizing he couldn't get past it, he said: I remember ten minutes later still being in this place where I was obsessing about it. I eventually opened up and said, “Listen, I know that I don't have a right to be angry right now but I am, and I need you to help me. I don't know how to get over this right now, I just need you to help me get over it.”Now, the beautiful thing about this is that you are giving someone a roadmap. Many people in arguments just go into themselves and they don't give people a clue about how they can help, so they are waiting for that person to say the perfect thing. They are waiting for that person to say something that is going to solve it. But they are not actually helping them or giving them guidance.If you can say to somebody, “Listen, I am just being sensitive right now but I need you to help me. Just be on my side and help me right now,” what you are really doing is being a great teammate. Because you are showing them how to help you overcome your feelings, you are making them a partner in getting over this situation. That 'I need you to help me' works for us independent types too. I've found when I ask BF to help me with something ('hey, whatcha doing? help me bring in the groceries?') works well. It's gotten to the point now that I don't actually have to ask ... I had a small project to do in the family room; he's home from work just now and I said something this morning like, 'Oh, I really need to get that thing done' and he said he'd do it. I went on with my day and next thing I knew, he'd done it. Not saying it works all the time, but asking for help in mundane and more serious situations seems a great way to function.

trying2: firstly, 💗. Second, you are right -- whatever our 'widow/widower issues' might be, in a sense they are unfixable in that we can't bring our deceased partners back. Can we go forward? Absolutely. In that way, they are fixable. Your BF isn't alone in not knowing how to connect with you in this space; after all, look at some of the stories around here! People say the weirdest things because of their discomfort and when people get close to us, that gets magnified. Not only do they say weird things but they act weird as well. If they have no experience in the loss of a partner (other than seeing older relatives go through it, for example) and then become intimately involved with someone who has, what to do? I remember having one of those 'I was widowed at 30 years old' conversations with the assistant pastor at a church my family used to attend. LH was on the worship team and this pastor (who was young enough to be a brother or maybe almost a son if I'd become a mom at too young an age) got on a rant about something one day and I said it. He froze in his tracks, this man who could 'turn on' his compassion at the drop of a hat. He was lost. He finally found his voice and admitted he didn't know, to which I replied with something like 'Of course not -- we've never had a reason to talk about it'. He looked at me differently from then on because the only point of reference he had was serving as a spiritual comfort to some of the older folks in that congregation or to his age mates who'd lost parents. Not someone so close to his age, who admits she was younger than he was when she lost a spouse. The things I've heard from women have in some cases been worse -- You're young, are you dating? that sort of thing at a time I wasn't even thinking about such. And then when I started dating and said so, I'd get these looks of disdain from women who adhered to that notion of 'a woman should not date for at least a year after the death of her spouse' (I still don't know where that came from ...). Hell, the women in the church I was attending when LH died were shocked to silence when I said I would live in MY house, alone; they were all holders of a cultural belief that women should not do such things and should have someone in their house with them ... preferably family, like a cousin (since I have no siblings), a church 'sister', an aunty, or someone like that. It was bizarre to me. We've had conversations here about love languages. You mention BF is a fixer (mine is too); I know you are spending this day in a certain way, but maybe you can find a small project you need done ... ask BF to take care of it for you. If fixing is his love language, speak it so he knows you 'get it'. Then later, talk about it; maybe tell him you see him, you see that the way he shows he cares is to fix things and you appreciate it maybe then add in the way you show you care; explain your love language and when it is best to show it ... why you didn't ask him into today -- not because you didn't think he understood or could 'do' anything or would be uncomfortable, but take the onus by saying at least for now and for the unforeseeable future, today is a day you need for YOU and that does not mean you are excluding him. How can we show someone a mountain who has never seen one? We show them a picture first so as not to overwhelm them. When we and they are ready, we take them to see a real mountain in person. Paint him a picture with words. Maybe one day you'll be able to take him into today with you ...

Yes, trying2, as RyanAmysMom said -- if you'd like your BF there for the sadiversary, tell him. Let him know that you don't want him to leave you alone at that time. If he gets weird about it, you may need to have a conversation to process more: is it that he is uncomfortable or is it more of what sudnlysngl is referring to ... that despite the time you two have been together, he doesn't know you? I don't 'celebrate' (not sure what would be the best word here?) LHs death. I think it's because I know he'd want me to get on with it already ... to get on with the business of living the life he wanted for me. During his illnesses, he would often be sad that I had to be his caregiver. He hated that I had my little office space in the bedroom or that I had to help him all the time. I think he'd be glad of all that has happened in the nearly 2.5 years since he died. We don't share children so the idea of spending time in memorium doesn't fit. I am not in contact with LHs daughter, so there's that too. The first husband died when my son (who is now 23) was almost 4 years old so he only knew LH as Dad; he sometimes says he thinks about Dad when we talk on the phone and that's it. I talk about him as it fits -- sharing stories with BF sometimes in the same way he shares stories about his exes. Different circumstance of course, divorce, but we both have those relationships in the rear view. That said, it's not quite so easy to set hard stops on everything. LHs ex was dreadful. As sudnly mentioned, she was one who used their daughter as a pawn quite often. I wanted to show LHs daughter that not all women were like her. As I type this, I remember a funny memory from ages ago when her dad and I were just dating, so that must have been like 15 years back: she told me something that she had done (can't recall precisely what it was ... how she had snuck out several years prior or something) and how the woman he had been dating kept it a secret. I looked her in the eye and told her I wouldn't do that because what she'd done was dangerous; my faith practice simply would not allow me because forbid it if something happened to her after doing this thing and I knew ... How would I be able to tell her dad. From that point on, whenever she would say 'Don't tell my dad', I immediately told him. He was excellent at acting like he didn't know though When she spent some time with me after he died (she flew out here and then took his ashes back with her to be buried with his parents), she told me how much she valued my presence. She talked about how different I was from her mom and the other people she had met who her dad had dated. She was impressed because she hadn't even known he and I were dating because I was discreet, something she had not experienced before me I share that snippet to say it's important that we, as the GF (or BF for you men reading) or next spouse, present a different image. Otherwise, the understanding that the children have of women (or men) and relationship building generally gets really screwed up because all they have is the crazy mom (or dad) as a reference point. If we lay down ultimatums that are too stringent, we become the same.

Let's not talk about working out lol! I haven't in a long time, primarily because of pain it is too hard to recover. Gotta find something different.

Happy Monday, all: Me too (to piggyback on sdnly, trying2 and CW), tybec. Hoping your getaway has been a time of refreshing. I would also add that it is important each of us ensure we are in a good place, meaning that we can be content doing our own thing, even when in a relationship. I have not had a 'had it all' experience in previous marriages: first husband was abusive and died suddenly, second husband was wonderful but had several serious illnesses over time and died after complications set in; I was in survival mode and young the first go and was a caregiver first and foremost the second go. First husband was not affectionate (obviously) so I never learned what that's like. LH was more affectionate but knew I wasn't all that comfy with it, so he tended to go with my flow. Now in this relationship I feel more open than I ever imagined I could. I have my moments when I surprise myself in wanting affection However, because of the issues BF has had with his children and exes, he has times when he is sad or depressed. I make myself available to listen or be comforting if he needs it. Otherwise, I leave him the space to 'do him'. I have dogs, so there is always something to do around here. I like the way I wash dishes better, so I run the kitchen. I always have work to do and some nights, purposely work late. We both are gamers (playing the same game) so I do that. It is interesting to do these things in the same house as well, which adds dynamics. I volunteer, so my Saturday mornings are booked. I go to early service on Sundays. If my friends down the block ask me to look in on their dogs, I do it. When things outside regular routine come up, I say that I'm doing them. Every now and again I see what seems a look on his face (mind you, I've never done agreed to do something for or with friends when he and I already have plans) but he's never said anything and honestly, I don't give him the chance. I say it with 'finality' I share this to encourage you to continue doing just what you are doing, tybec -- have your life. Make it just that: your life. Hopefully it is something that he will want to be part of as he realizes you, your feelings, your experiences, and your path are valuable and should be respected as such. What you do, how you do it, and who you do it with is not something that is contingent to him -- that does not disrespect his life and needs but makes yours just as important. {{{hugs}}}

Oh, trying2 ... {{{hugs}}} on your sadiversary. I was thinking of my LH earlier today, how strange the world is in general. It amazes me that we were together for nearly 16 years, had been through so much over that time, particularly with his health. It amazes me that I am now in this house and another man sleeps in the space he inhabited, has clothes, personal products, and other belongings in drawers his things were in. It amazes me that BF has in these last few months of us being under the same roof tackled projects in this house that LH couldn't over the course of five years. I think about the conversations LH and I had and conversations I've had with my mom about moving on after the death of a spouse; I wonder what LH would think about how much more free I am (even in my weird and often uptight way lol) with BF than I was with him. I look at his photo, which is in the front room and wonder what he thinks when BF picks up one of his instruments that are now decorations around the house. I would hope he is proud. I can't describe my feelings ... I am not sad when I think of him, at least in the sense of not being with him anymore. I am sad he suffered, which I know he did even though he never complained much. I don't talk about him that often but will mention him occasionally when BF and I are talking about things. I can even talk about my son's dad sometimes without that feeling of panic I used to get (abuse will do that, even years later ... talk about PTSD ...). My newest planned conversation is to suggest a trip back east next year for my birthday. My mom asked me if I would come that way instead of her trying to come here (again, health issues intervene; she is on dialysis and even though there are several centers that are part of the same system near me and near the airport, she has had friends at her center who got very sick while traveling. It made her uncomfortable and worried, which means she shouldn't do it if she's not settled that all will be well). BF has talked about visiting his sister, so it seems like a good thing to try for. He already said what he thought we should do for each other for Christmas, so it isn't a leap to consider Maybe this weekend I will bring it up ... Have a good day, everyone! Catch us up when you have a minute!

👆 What Mike said!!! LF, so glad you did as you say dodge a bullet. Wow -- double standard much? I mean, A was not willing to be exclusive with you, posted publicly her dates with other men, but you were expected to wait until she wanted to reach out to you??? Nope. That's not cool at any age.

That is so true, sudnly. He is an amazing man and I try to show him that sentiment as best I can. I am wondering what he will say today; I saw via USPS notification my mom sent him a card. She sent one for his birthday and put a couple of scratch off tickets in it. There were two winners but they weren't from our state so he couldn't cash them. I sent them back in a thank you card that he signed and I suspect she's sent a check or cash in return since the gift was supposed to be for his birthday 😅

Agreed, tybec. I tend to be quite literal and I listen to words intently. He uses 'I' often and doesn't use 'we' at all. Yet, his actions are full of 'we' ...

tybec -- what a wonderful and tough spot, those difficult conversations. I would say that no matter how old we are when we recouple, there's still as my 'adopted' little brother says the junior high moments. The blushy moments of new love often overtake the need for reality 😍 However, once we get to a certain age or stage in life, it's necessary to buck up and get to it. trying2 -- ah, lilies versus calla lilies ... that could cause confusion if you aren't well-versed in flowers (which would be me -- if it's not a violet or a rose, I'm lost). 😅 It's almost six months since BF and I have been under the same roof, hard to believe. No serious conversations about future but we have those dream conversations ... he told me if he wins the lottery and buys his dream property, which will be out in the middle of nowhere, I say 'As long as it has a round room for me, I'm good with that'; he says 'How will you get there?' (really out in the middle of nowhere) and as we talk that out, he says 'Are you good with getting a helicopter license?' We talk that out for a minute and he says he'd buy me my own helicopter 😂 That's how two old folks who play video games talk about their future together! Have a good week!

We went to see Sorry to Bother You -- BF is related to someone involved in the film so we had to

Happy mid-week everyone! So a new weird thing ... I mention BF in conversations with (some) family and friends; they usually ask me how he's doing and will often say things like 'tell him I said hi'. I have only done so when it's my mom or my son, since he's talked to each of them (and has met my son). Every now and again I will tell him my one friend, who is connected to him on social media, said hi. He's never been weird about it or acted like it's a thing, but I feel weird telling him hi from people he's had no contact with whatsoever. I think it's because he doesn't have many people in his life that he communicates with regularly, so I don't want to bring attention to that. Sigh. On a totally separate note, I mentioned that I was going to try my best not to make the plans for the weekend. Before I could even think to do so, he suggested going to the movies We went after I got back from church on Sunday. It was a good change.

Happy Friday, all! sdnlysngl's reply above got me thinking about relationship ruts. I often wonder if, especially for those who had good relationships with their LHs and LWs, if it is easier to fall into a place of 'comfort' ... I mean, it is true that we will keep getting what we allow, right? I can't say that's where I was with LH since his illnesses sort of kept me in a place of having my head down and persevering through his doctor's appointments, hospitalizations, and needs at home. It was more of a 'had to' than a 'comfortable doing', if that makes sense. With BF, I think God is challenging me to step out of my rut in a way. I was never one to try and be creative in relationship but now find myself trying to do it more often. This relationship has challenged me to 'want' to do things so I make more suggestions. However, I am thinking about how to rephrase my suggestions so BF takes a more active role in planning; his job is stressful, along with the aftermath of the blowup with his daughter back in February; he doesn't often make suggestions on things we can do together that are date-like. For now, I'm thinking I'll ask more questions like 'I saw this thing for Saturday; what do you think?'. I am a home-body by nature so I certainly as sudnlysngl suggested am getting what I allow, but it would be nice to do something different once in a while that isn't of my making Sorry for the ramble -- hope everyone is doing well and has a fabulous weekend!

Hope it's a blast, Virgo! Enjoy yourself!

Oh, trying2!!! What did he say in response??? I think at this point, I would have handed them back, suggested he return them and never buy them again BECAUSE YOU ARE ALLERGIC (in all caps because you might need to shout it lol). You might also try dropping major hints, like buying yourself your favorite flowers, putting them in your best vase, and putting that in the middle of the dining table (or wherever he will see it when you both are together and having conversation), then saying 'What do you think of these? They are my favorite! I could put them all over because I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO THEM LIKE I AM LILIES' (lol). I have not been a 'get flowers' sort, even though LH would do so from time to time (he knew I wasn't so into that) and BF got me a rose and balloon at Valentine's day so don't really have another point of reference.

Yep, happy folks right there Congratulations!