SemperFidelis

I am so sorry. What a mess for you to be amidst. Sitting here with you. There is some possibility that she will start to feel responsible at some point. Generally, it is pretty normal for a person in her situation to feel some serious survival guilt.... Sometimes it is immediate and sometimes there is a delay of any length.

Mikeeh, I am sorry you are going through this 2nd pain and loss. I have occasionally thought about how demolished I would feel if my ch2 split with me. Especially after losing a spouse. I ache for you. That being said, I am raising the b*llshit flag on her whole deal of "she loves me too much and it is too much of a burden on her to love me" . Those words do not reflect love. There is no such thing as loving someone so much that you have to break up with them. Please. It sounds like you were and are ready for more, and she is, well...not.

Rayspumpkin, you remind me of a ridiculous widow book I bought and ditched. The author clearly had some sort of issues herself because it seemed like every other chapter was warning us widows not to fall into the temptation of pursuing a married man. I was absolutely disgusted....it was a recurring theme in the book.

Jovigirl, I cringed when I read that. I wonder if this has got to be a scammer or something..... Sounds like weird language someone might use as a second language. If not, gawd......So weird.

Wow, that's horendous Arneal. It's sad to be reminded of men like that.....I feel bad for their wives.

You are incredibly spot on with your assessment of him not wanting to acknowledge anyone before him. Its one of his strangest traits to me and maybe one of the few areas we are really different. I am right with you about our pasts making us who we are today. 110%. He has even shown discomfort with me visiting with my in-laws.....Like he won't ask how my visit with them was because it feels weird to him to ask. Its odd to me. But he's going to have to get some thicker skin. You are right, that I need to lift my censor. Next family get together, I'm letting some remarks slide. ;-) I think it's great you are able to get to know such critical people in your guys life. What an asset. I think we learn a bit about other people by the people in their lives.....past and present.

Momtojandj, love the forward approach. Here are my suggestions (hey I never knew I enjoyed proofing so much lol). If I was tweaking it, I would omit the part about being a good kisser etc.....strictly to keep those at bay who have no serious intents and just want a hookup.....unless you are open to that too. I might also consider adjusting the bit about "I realize why some of you are still single. " as you want to keep it clear who you are writing to....the exceptional guy who gets a date with you or the no good weirdo. It might come across as a premature insult to the good guy. A more palatable variation could be "I realize why some men on here are still single". I would also re-order/merge your last paragraph with your 2nd paragraph. This keeps it more in order. Basically moving final paragraph to be right after the bit about seeing why some men are single. This also leaves your summary on a high note(you).

Okay I asked my bf if his family still doesn't know. He said they still don't know. He continues to say: "I don't think it's really important that to tell them. It would be like telling someone about someone's past boyfriend or girlfriend." I haven't come up with a more meaningful response to him yet than "Ohhh".

This cracked me up because one of my favorite pictures of my boyfriend on OKCupid was of him and his mom. I just thought it was so sweet. And they are close, although he is also good about boundaries too. Apparently, I owe a lot to his stepsister. She told it was time for him to get back online, and she encouraged him to use that picture. He was like, "Really?" And she was all, "oh yes, definitely." Lol, that's outstanding :-)

Thanks for your detailed response, Maureen. Your experience basically echos what I am expecting and foreseeing ahead of me.....that round two will be a lot more difficult. Sort of like splitting a tough piece of wood. The first couple blows crack it, but it's the third or fourth strike that split it in two. My husband was also disabled, and I was his full-time caregiver. I didn't even realize or know about all the needs I wasn't getting met until I started seeing ch2. So there are a lot of things I didn't lose from my husband because I never had them in the first place(not to say there weren't major losses, just not what you would expect). With ch2, I will be losing very very different things....So I think I will feel the loss a lot harder.

Bunny, thanks for your response. I think I will file your words away in my mind. As soon as my ch2's family knows I am a widow, I think the best course of action will to just be relaxed about it and set the tone for the subject myself. I think it will be a lot easier once that initial hurdle is cleared. I am open and comfortable with everyone else in the world, so they will be treated no different. I know that I also need to let go of worrying about hurting ch2's feelings. He's a little rough with the widow stuff at times, and needs to toughen up. I think the reason we care about widow vs divorced is that we weren't quitters. We honored our vows. If there were tough times, we toughed them out and didn't quit. We love our dead spouses, and don't harbor the same animosity that divorce seems to bring.

Forgotten wife, you nailed it with the attitude necessary for online dating. Cheers!

I am glad you posted this, Trying. I am only 9.5 months into my ch2, and my time spent with his family hasn't been extremely frequent.... But frequent enough. I really struggle with what you are talking about. I think you described it perfectly: "........it almost feels like my only history is from my childhood and since BF and I have been together. With BF I have been able to include my past with our present pretty easily but I don't know how to do it with his family or if I even should. I have this urge to make them understand that I'm not like a divorced person, that it wasn't my choice, that I loved DH." I feel like I am living a double life or something..... Like there's this whole absolutely critical chunk of my life that I am not allowed to talk about.....I feel like I have to pretend it's not real. And then I feel like a deceptive phony, and my heart just rots at that. I feel I have to avoid the natural process of getting to know other people....Like I can't ask any question that could be turned around on me where husband would be part of the answer. Even simple questions are exhausting for me. My BFs mom asked where I get my firewood. Well, truth is my husband hired his brother to get 85% of it. The rest I have harvested. So I am answering her to the 15% which feels like I am lying or concealing something....which of course I am!! I don't even think his family knows I am a widow. He says they don't ask him nosy questions about me. So I am completely grossed out by the idea that they must think I am divorced.... I will ask him if this is still the case. So I guess to answer your questions.... I just stay as non-engaging as possible and answer difficult questions evasively and with non-answers. Or I will just control the convo to keep them talking about themselves so they forget to ask anything about me......I take on the role of Johnny Carson or David Letterman and just keep all the focus on them. Ever see the Seinfeld where Kramer gets a hold of the old merv Griffith set and puts it in his apartment? Something like that, lol.

Momtojandj, it turns out you can be brutally honest and not scare away EVERYONE. My match profile underwent about three revisions. One version of mine was....uhhh..... *way way way way* too much information. I was all cracked out making profiles within the first months of my husband's death. And I am thoroughly embarassed by this particular (2nd) version of my profile. Well. My ch2..... He had messaged me once with my first profile, and I ignored him. On my third profile he messaged again months later. I did not realize he had also viewed my profile during the crazy 2nd profile time. Lol. I was so embarrassed to know he saw it. But it showed me something I appreciate about him, that he cannot be scared away....he cannot be shocked..... And he has patience and understanding for me in my craziest hour even at the very beginning. So post away. Post some crazy sh*t and scare off the cowards.

Hi April, what you are going through is normal. You have gone from worrying about your survival to not worrying about it. It is normal for that to sort of counterbalance the grief side of things. And yes, you may have gone through a type of grieving earlier on.... A grieving for the loss of an ideal or a loss of a person if you knew him befor his war experiences. My husband did casualty evacuation in the 2003 invasion. I am one year out and I do not feel like I have reached a point of total despair. I went through much much worse surviving the war he brought home. I think people like you and I have been sort of stress innoculated.

Hi April. I am also a survivor of the war at home. My husband served in the USMC during the 2003 iraq invasion. By all accounts he came back a changed man...for the worse. I entered his life after it fell apart. That's a story for another day. His mental state deteriorated over the years. For the first three years I was with him, he was terrifyingly violent. I am sure you are one of the few who know what the "DI voice" is and will never be able to forget it. So things as they were I came to see that most likely I would die at his hands. Fortunately a miracle came for us in the form of medication. Medication for his ptsd totally eradicated the violence and we enjoyed an unexpected peace in our home and marriage. Like twisted mensa, the peace for my husband lasted as long as the medication did. His body metabolized meds FAST so our cycles of increasing medications was every few months. And in the last nine months of his life he had cycles through a few different TYPES of meds too....and had most recently added buspirone. He had been struggling big time, and I watched him cry and wail and sob (drunkenly) about what he endured in Iraq. I get teary just remembering seeing his pain. Well, Anyway. His violence had been addressed but not his will to live or lack of meaning in life. So he let go. April I will never forget the horror and pain of those unmedicated years, and also the times his meds wore off and was due for an increase. I still have nightmares. He was never physical with his son, and his son never saw the physical with me. But his son still heard some crazy sh*t a kid shouldn't hear...in earlier years he himself was treated as a marine corps recruit instead of a son. I am not in contact with his 15yr old son. I will be one day though and I know there will be discussions of what happened. I am prepared to answer to him with honesty. I will be accountable to all that I did and did not do. Not knowing the focus of my step-son memory, it is imperative that he one day has a balanced view of his dad. His dad was a very good man and won the favor of all in his squadron. The list of documentable good deeds is long. But yes, his dad was injured in Iraq. He was a psychiatric casualty..... In his own words, his soul died in Iraq and only his body came home. When the boy is old enough, he can understand this and form his own conclusions of his dad. I say, if your son remembers his dad as golden.....let him. Honor that place he is in. But when he gets older he will be mature to balance a more comprehensive image of his dad in his mind. He has to get there at his own rate.

Really impressed with your kids Sugarbell. I don't have any and just popped my head in here to see what widowed parents are dealing with.

I am sorry you had to go through this. I hope this doesn't sound cliche but try not to take his behavior personally. It is really only telling about his maturity level. One thing i can say is my ch2 had previously dated for five years a widow with four kids. For him, I think he got to feel like the hero in the situation.....filling a father role for kids who lost one. I know there are other men wired like that. And there are others who just won't be bothered by It. But yes, our culture is weird about widows.....2nd we are bound to run into people who just can't put themselves in our positions.

MrsDan, my husband self medicated with alcohol too. Every day, all day, to cope with his PTSD. One thing with ch2 I have had to adjust to is that he is mentally present(aka sober)..... Its really weird, lol. Like you too, I feel conflicted about enjoying all the perks of being with someone who isn't all fucked up. I know it's what my husband would want for me - only the best, and for NG to fullfill me in ways husband couldnt. I have to remind myself of that. I had a nightmare the other day that My husband came back from the dead(nightmare because he was unmedicated in the dream)....and I was conflicted on all levels but especially that I am so happy now with ch2. It was a pretty fair reflection of how I really feel guilty for my happiness.

Frederick, I appreciate that you differentiate between your actual time together versus the legal document. It confuses me when people only take into account the legal part.... When that part has little bearing on anything at all.

I can see why people would make that kind of ignorant assumption. It should go without saying, I LOVED my husband. I won't explain myself, just take that for the fact that it is. Now, that said, my husband was a flawed man.....and also an injured man (debilitating combat ptsd). So no, I don't want someone just like him. He was a special man, and I gave him special extra leeway because I loved him so much.....his soul was unique. But now that I have a choice, there's a lot I won't put up with in a partner. I did in the beginning think I wanted to find someone else who had been in combat. I had lived and breathed his ptsd for so long, that I could not imagine relating to anyone without it. But I ended up meeting a very lovely civilian, who I struggled to relate to for a long time....and maybe I still don't completely, but I gain so much from the relationship, it is nice to be taken care of for once.....instead of being the caregiver. But it has not been an easy transition, being with someone sooo different is not straight forward. Anyway. I love my husband. I miss so much about him. But I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him again. Nor is it even possible.

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what you are going through.... There is really no right thing for me to say to you. My husband ended his own life a year ago, and I was a witness to the whole event. I have peace with the suicide aspect, but still struggle with what I witnessed. No one should have to see their spouse in that condition. Anyway. Yes, you are right....life does go on. Whether we are ready for it to go on or not.

Great distinction, Frederick. Well said.

This is an interesting subject. I am curious to follow it. With my dead husband, I knew he was "the one" early on....like right away. For two years we were on for a few days and then off for months....he would say he was in, and then change his mind. But I think this was due to some major stressors in his life (ex wife of 8years bailed on him when he returned from Iraq, and then gf of two years cheated on him.... And not to mention his disabling combat ptsd).)so I get why he wasn't ready.....but boy did my heart hurt getting crushed like that over and over. But when he was ready, he was ready. It took three years and medication for him to tell me "I love you". My ch2 had to wait on me. He has been extraordinarily patient with me. His desire for exclusivity was early, and mutual. Even though I was exclusive early on with him, I still wasn't sold on him for a multitude of reasons. And I actually really struggled with this....coming from a marriage where I knew immediately that I was IN for good....I felt like there was something wrong With me(or us) that I felt nothing for him and therefore couldn't commit in my mind. But after about four months, the tide finally turned for me and I knew I wasn't going anywhere. It took this guy nine months to drop the "I love you".

Momtokam, wow what strange behavior..... I wonder what his deal is. None of his behavior adds up or is cocnsistent.... Well, I guess it's consistently all over the place.