SemperFidelis

Tybec, I completely get your train of thought with the anniversary dance thing. I would be having all the same thoughts and feelings in that situation too.

Yeah, right there with ya. Watchcing my husband die last year has milked out all my mental resources....I am totally burnt out of my job. Unfortunately I just have to tough it out because I am in school for nursing so that I CAN leave my customer service job.

I think perhaps the way we differ from divorcees is that generally, we can approach selection of ch2 in a different way.... I think it's more common for divorcees to hate their ex and perhaps feel like "never again'" whereas widows mostly don't have that same bitterness driving us. I think you would also be hard pressed to find a divorcee who is fondly seeing similarities between the ex and the new person. Tybec, really funny about your NG and his similarities.

Klim, I think some men will start behaving childish with ANY rejection. (And I am sure some women behave the same). For some, there just is no such thing as an easy letdown. You can only Do the best you can do, and how they respond is up to them.

Cool template for a site - so if I understand right, no messaging unless mutual interest was expressed? If so, it seems like this would effectively weed out the nasties.

Lol, hahaha, I think I just died a little of laughter. ;D Please for the love of god, someone go forth and use that profile and come back with the results!

It's a crazy time in the beginning. Really crazy. Dont be too hard on yourself for now. When our primary comforter is gone, we can be left in odd positions. Its normal. Just be careful with your heart, guard and protect it fiercely. I don't know this guy, but I have known a lot of guys....and many wouldn't be above dishonorable conduct when a woman is vulnerable. Use your best judgement.

Okay I thought I would see if I could dig up my old profile summary, and I succeeded. This profile yielded my amazing ch2, and I did get quite a few responses from guys who seemed lovely and decent (but just not for picky picky me) and spent some time on their initial messages to me. I did also still get responses from people way outside my stated age range. I remember one fella was in his 80s. Yeesh. "Strenuous long hikes in the wilderness are what I look forward to every week, ending each night with a thought-provoking book about neurology, psychiatry, war, or theoretical physics. Add my dogs into the picture, and I am content. Integrity, patience, dedication, courage, honesty, perseverance, humility, wisdom.....these are the virtues I strive to embody, and I look for the same on others. I am testing the waters here on Match. It takes a lot to get me away from my little paradise in the woods, but with the right bait I'll emerge. "

Tk74, cheers to "died" instead of "passed". Sometimes when people use those softer more PC words, I feel like it is invalidating and minimizing what has really happened.

TooSoon, that makes perfect sense. I am so glad to hear of your nourishing experience. Thank you for sharing.

Yes, the replaying of the scene is normal....and exhausting, at times it seems it will never end. I am 13 months out and it has less power over me than in the first months but I do revisit and replay aspects of it every day....I think on some level I think I will remember something new, something I have missed all this time and that will suddenly give me rest. But it never comes. It is normal to be and feel quite different after loss like this. I am still figuring out who and what I am. I wish I could just feel normal again.

Yes. I miss how things used to be. Except for the part where he was miserable being "alive".

Do what you have to do. I have full conversations (well, orations) with my dead guy every once in a while.

You are normal. I have felt some of the weird stuff you have felt. I am 13 months out and still feel like my brain is protecting me from some of the direct pain. The pain I feel is indirect....whatever that means. It is somehow hidden even from myself. I am moving forward in life, but nothing feels the same. You may have heard of compartmentalizing..... Probably something your husband did too for work. Google it.

Yikes, what a strained position to be in. Sounds like you will have to get somewhat direct with reminding them that you've been through this before and know what you are talking about.

I do recall a client one day who was trying to make small talk - she had a video she wanted to tell me about, but had a pre-story question: "are you married?" and this was within the first six months...... I know she meant nothing of it and knew nothing of my situation.....but it really threw me off. I was so caught off guard that my response was a super weird expression with a long pause and "Uhhhhhh, why????" After she left, I went off and cried briefly....I felt silly but I didn't and dont like that now suddenly mundane questions feel loaded and invasive to me. Oh, the cherry on top was that the story she wanted to tell required that you relate to hating your husband for stupid shit.... So that grated on me too, because I never have hated my husband, dead or alive.

Oh man, this made me smile and laugh!

Hahaha, MrsDan, I have found myself in exactly the same situation(offensive joke and all)! I really enjoy those moments when I can imagine my husband laughing right alongside me at something ch2 said.

What an exhausting and frustrating situation to go through. That's a lot to cope with. I am glad you found the board and hope you are able to find some benefit from it.

I am late chiming in here, but yes....reaching out to those still affected by the condition is critical for me. My husband had combat ptsd which drove him to end his life.... The caregiving for something like that is insane and unimaginably more comprehensive than I think most people realize.....it is extremely isolating. So reaching out to support other caregivers in the same situation is really important to me.....and deeply rewarding. And by supporting the caregiver, the suffering veteran is supported monumentally.

This was a helpful thread to read. I did full time psychiatric caregiving for my husband. I numbed out too at some point. And I have wondered if those caregiving years are what helped make the death (which was sudden) actually feel manageable.....by all means it shouldn't have felt that way. No one else saw his suffering(people suspected it though), just me. So fortunately there has been little room for judgement. One person has come forward and told me I was delusional because "he was fine, he would never kill himself, he wasn't suffering, he loved jesus" but that was someone my husband hardly spoke to in the last 15yrs of his life....for a reason. So it was easy to write off but still sad someone could be in such denial. I am glad to know there is a deeper reason for my numbing.....it makes more sense now. I had originally thought it was strictly from the trauma of witnessing his death.....now I get that it was going further back.

You are awesome. What an encouraging story.

Hmmm all of this has me wanting to see I can find my old profile that my ch2 responded to.... I am curious to read it with a new perspective Arneal, congrats on the profile deletion step you are taking with your local guy. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you!

Tybec, yikes! Classic!

I really relate to a bit of what you have written. Especially the bit about feeling like people must think you just have an imaginary friend. Sometimes I have this weird grazing feeling like none of this ever happened.... It's confusing at times.