Am I the only one who lost faith?

[Carey]

Let me preface this with the fact that I was raised in church and pretty much have attended church in one form or another my entire life, until chad died.  My husband was an alcoholic yes, and he had some bad faults, some "demons" as it were that he wrestled.  But he ALSO attended bible college, was a faithful church attender and even when he was in Saudi and I would lose hope or get discouraged, he was always the first to suggest prayer, to encourage and to say that God had it all planned.  He would stand in the altar at church with his hand raised praying. When he'd fall and screw up with the alcohol, he wouldn't run, he'd go right back to church and doggedly ask for help, pray, call out to God.  He WANTED to be a different person, he WANTED to be a good husband and father. He certainly didn't enjoy drinking and wanted the monkey of his back and he prayed and begged God all the time. Others who came across his path over the years would talk of how God had "delivered" them from alcohol and even drugs. Instantaneously all you had to do was come to God and believe.  He even went to Saudi to get away from it, only to be bombarded with bootleg versions and he lost his life because of it. 

 

Meanwhile, in 2012, my brother who was 52 at the time, had severe heart attack. I was the only family member in town when it happened and was called to the hospital and asked to make a DNR decision. He was BLACK from the waist up. There was no perfusion, he looked terrible. I was scared and didn't want his death on my hands, so I said to do everything. They put him on life support and air lifted him to  Wake Med.  Finally my other brother (his twin) was able to get there and said that Mark had told him before that he didn't want to be hooked up to machines and they had had several conversations about it. So his status was changed to DNR.  A few days later, while sedated AND restrained, they were trying to wean the sedation and he actually wriggled down in the bed far enough he could reach the tube with his hand and pulled the ventilator out.  Then because the DNR order was in place, not only would they not replace the vent, but the heart pump that he was on also had to be removed at that point due to the DNR status. We were told he'd die within hours. We held a vigil and stayed in his room and prayed and said our goodbyes.  Then the machines started responding, his heart took over on its own, and long story short, the next day he was sitting up eating and was home within the week.  Everyone talked about God and what a miracle  it was and "only by the Grace of God" was he healed.  Now, this is my brother , who I love, but I'm going to say, he has never held a job long, spent time in jail, never attended church and mocked those who did, cheated on his wife, divorced her and married someone half his age (not that that's a sin or anything, but what he did to his wife was not cool), he had just really done a lot of people wrong a lot of the time.  My own mother only reluctantly came to the hospital when we were told he was dying. He had no children depending on him, no wife (at the time) who desperately needed him and God saved him?  (I really mean no disrespect, and remember I love my brother all things considered and I'm glad he survived)

 

It's just I can NOT wrap my mind around why this deathbed "miracle" gets credited to God ... who takes the blame when another younger man who has sacrificed everything and taken a job on the other side of the world to save his family from financial ruin, who is alone and sad and depressed on his birthday and turns to a bottle of unsafe unregulated alcohol falls asleep at the dinner table, 6 feet away from the CPAP machine that would have saved his life that night? A father ripped from his children who already had had to live a year without him. A wife who was desperate to have her husband back.  And left with the financial ruin he went over there to try to stop from happening.

 

This comes to my mind because yesterday I was trying to encourage my friend about her niece who is in a coma and had a heart attack. I was telling her the story of my brother and how bleak it looked and how , here's that word again, miraculously at the 9th hour he was saved and is fine to this day.  Whenever I try to ask anyone here from church, I'm told that no one knows God's way, God is good all the time and we don't need to try to understand here we just need to trust and believe.  But when you trust and believe and lose every damn thing anyway, how are you supposed to ever have even that precious mustard seed of faith ever again?

 

I DO very much believe in God. I just wonder what I did that keeps him from hearing or seeing me.  What there may be between us that blocks the communication.  Because everything that has been preached to me my entire life just left me and I can't bring myself to go back. And life without faith is very sad indeed.  It occurred to me I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has had similar thoughts and I wanted to see what conclusions ya'll came to.  I'm sorry to have rambled, my mind is just a mess today, sometimes it helps to write it out.

[anniegirl]

And life without faith is very sad indeed.

 

 

If you mean faith as in religious belief, I don't believe that lacking that kind of thing leads to a sad life. Organized religion is just as likely to make people miserable as it is not.

 

If you mean faith in general, in life, people or the idea that their is meaning to be found in both, that I could see as being pretty bleak.

 

You don't need to belong to religious community, practice a religion or even believe in a tradition or God at all to be happy and to see meaning in life.

 

Religion, in my opinion, poses more problems and questions than answers but if it brings you joy, it's a good thing. If it doesn't, perhaps it's not your path. There is more than one way to move through life.

 

It occurred to me I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has had similar thoughts and I wanted to see what conclusions ya'll came to.

 

I have questioned the concept of God and the need for organized religions since I was a child, so it's not a surprise that LH's illness and death pushed me to further contemplation of this and my decision that both are social constructs that don't work for me.

 

I have my own ideas about the nature of existence and it's a bit sobering when you get to the point where you can acknowledge that there is no one out there listening who might possibly work some magic in your favor if you happen to pray hard enough or appear deserving enough or because it's the second Monday of the month and therefore your lucky day.

 

But imo, it forces you to acknowledge the finite state live is and to be more in the moment and not let opportunities for joy, generosity, love, adventure, learning, etc pass you by. It reminds you that your life is more under your control than you imagine but that you aren't superhuman and you aren't immune from tragedy or sadness.

 

It's okay to not believe. To feel that hope is more like a life preserver than a lucky charm.

 

I know I am not being helpful really. I have no answers beyond saying that I know people who've struggled with their faith but came out on the other side still believing and I know people who have not.

 

As long as what you are doing is thinking rather than torturing yourself, it's not a bad thing. It's when we get caught in the thought loops and they drag on us that it's a problem. Otherwise it's just another part of the process.

 

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I find that I can endure a lot of suffering myself now but can't easily watch others suffer anymore. Maybe because the bad outcomes aren't a mystery to me?

 

A final thing though, it's okay to tell people what they want/need to hear in situation's like your friend's niece. There's plenty of time for reality later on.

 

 

[Ursula]

Carey, I have read some very wise words in a book from a Harold Kushner, who wrote :

'When bad things happen to good people' , and he deals just with the question you have.  I find what he says is very well reflected. These are highly philosophical questions and there can only ever be attempts of answers and depending on where yo come from (in the sense of what one believes), there are different routes toward a possible answer.

[Sugarbell]

Yes. I used to feel this way...for some time. I resented hearing about the "miracles" and being "blessed" a loved ones survived something. I usually mumbled "It's all random"

 

Raised Christian...my kids raised Christian (Methodist).. While I haven't been angry in years...I still occasionally cringe when I hear about a "divine plan" etc. I believe in God...I believe in helping the world why we are here...I question different aspects of all organized religion. I think it's bigger than one religion. I no longer believe one is right and one is wrong.

 

I now want to learn as much about ALL religions...and pretty much take a little from each one and incorporate it in my life.

 

Being a suicide widow doesn't help where I live...one church says he's in hell...I can go down the block to another church and they say he's not. Depends on there own man made interpretation.

 

I do now believe in isolated miracles....but I believe that much of life circumstances are random. God doesn't choose who to save from death and who to let die. I used to resent people who basically were in and out of prison being constantly "saved by the hand of God"...and good productive people who helped the world would die in some tragic way.

 

I think God doesn't interfere with laws of physics, genetics...what doctor may be on call, etc. Some things (as shitty as they are) are just random. Good and Bad. No logic or reason...just random. ((((hugs)))

[Trying]

I often cringe when people praise God for saving someone because of the power of prayer or because He has a plan.  If there is a plan, it is not something we can comprehend.  Good people suffer tragedies every day. My DH had literally hundreds of people praying for him.  Murderers and rapists live to ripe old ages every day.  I can't make sense of any of that. 

 

I do, however, believe in God, and I believe there is more to creation and afterlife than can be explained in the bible or by any religious doctrine.  I am a Christian because that is the background I was raised in.  I do not blindly follow all that my church teaches but I take comfort in taking time to reflect and have gratitude and to acknowledge that there are forces greater than me out there. 

 

I pray, in my own way, and offer sincerely to pray for others.  As I have gotten older and experienced many of life's miracles and tragedies my prayers have changed.  I used to ask for problems to be solved, loved ones to be cured, answers to be given.  Now, I pray for strength and peace for myself and for others facing difficult times.  Of course there are times when I am still angry about the bad things that happen to good people or that I plead a break from the hard stuff.  But basically, my faith is about surrendering to the idea that I am not meant to have all the answers while I am in this life.

 

I don't think my way is the only way or the right way.  For me, looking for meaning or answers to the "why" questions only causes me more heartache but I don't begrudge someone who believes that God saved them personally because of prayers.  Just don't fool yourself that when you don't get the desired outcome that it's because you didn't do something right or that you deserved something bad. 

 

 

[Gabzmom]

I often cringe when people praise God for saving someone because of the power of prayer or because He has a plan.  If there is a plan, it is not something we can comprehend.  Good people suffer tragedies every day. My DH had literally hundreds of people praying for him.  Murderers and rapists live to ripe old ages every day.  I can't make sense of any of that. 

 

I do, however, believe in God, and I believe there is more to creation and afterlife than can be explained in the bible or by any religious doctrine.  I am a Christian because that is the background I was raised in.  I do not blindly follow all that my church teaches but I take comfort in taking time to reflect and have gratitude and to acknowledge that there are forces greater than me out there. 

 

I pray, in my own way, and offer sincerely to pray for others.  As I have gotten older and experienced many of life's miracles and tragedies my prayers have changed.  I used to ask for problems to be solved, loved ones to be cured, answers to be given.  Now, I pray for strength and peace for myself and for others facing difficult times.  Of course there are times when I am still angry about the bad things that happen to good people or that I plead a break from the hard stuff.  But basically, my faith is about surrendering to the idea that I am not meant to have all the answers while I am in this life.

 

I don't think my way is the only way or the right way.  For me, looking for meaning or answers to the "why" questions only causes me more heartache but I don't begrudge someone who believes that God saved them personally because of prayers.  Just don't fool yourself that when you don't get the desired outcome that it's because you didn't do something right or that you deserved something bad.

 

Damn?All of this.  All of it.

[Gabzmom]

I don't know that I have lost faith - well, maybe a little.  I have to ditto Trying.  I was raised a Christian, took three years of both Theology and Philosophy as required by my college.  It was during that time I gained an understanding/appreciation for the religions of the world.  It was a time I questioned the organization in which I was brought up - a lot of it made no sense.  In fact, the school encouraged us to question our "developed" knowledge so that we could learn.

 

When we got married, we journeyed in faith together and chose to stay within our faith.  It was incredible to me that at my late age of 30, I had met and married a man who was single and childless, and, wow - we were of the same faith.  never mind that we met in an Irish Mexican bar in Las Vegas.  That's a whole "nuther" story.    As we journey further, we prayed, we wanted a child.  I beat myself up thinking it wasn't happening because maybe I was not deserving of having a child.  Eight years later, we got this little miracle after we had pretty much given up. 

 

It seems my daughter's birth deepened our faith.  As we journeyed further, we developed a strong faith family - these people stood by me far longer than many.  It was at this time, we developed our own philosophy - servant leadership.  To serve is to lead - to lead is to serve.  I still question a lot of the doctrine of my faith, but as Trying said, I have reconciled my decision to stay within my religion and the fact that I didn't agree with some of the teachings of this church.  I think that I have a belief in God/a higher power.  However, my spirituality is not necessarily tied to my church any longer.

 

In the last couple of years, my daughter indicated she did not want to go through confirmation.  When asked why, she stated that her beliefs did not align with the church. I came to the realization that it was her time to question this religion and to learn and make her way through her own faith journey.  I wasn't going to make her go through confirmation as it would be a lie.  She asked why I chose to stay and I told her that while I don't agree with some teachings, I like my religion and the familiarity brings me a level of comfort.  I told her I wouldn't hide my stance and in fact have voiced my stance openly.  These folks do not condemn me nor do I condemn them for the differences in what we individually value. 

 

Um, I was totally derailed - what was the question?  Ah, yes.  Have I lost faith?  Well, Rob used to end all his letters to me while he was deployed with, "Keep the Faith." I still hear his voice urging me to keep the faith.  And, I do, in my own way - no longer constrained by organized religion.  Just conversations with God or Rob out on my front porch as I look up to the stars each night.  And like Trying said, my prayers are not for things or outcomes, they are for strength and peace as friends, family, or I deal with things that come up.

[Guest nonesuch]

I think many atheists and people who haven't examined their own religion very closely have a very simplistic view of God.

 

I had a colleague who considered herself very religious.  She and her mother thought the only reason her own brother got home from the Viet Nam war in one piece was because they prayed for him. Really?  All those men and women who died didn't, and all those less than stellar ones who made it home did?  I don't think it's that simple.

 

They seem to think of God as a being micromanaging all the world and awarding favors according to who prayed properly, who prayed the most, and punishing those who did not.  I don't think like that.  Sometimes shit just happens. 

 

My heart goes out to you, Carey.  My husband didn't die from alcoholism, because the lung cancer got to him first.  Maybe if he'd stopped drinking, he'd have cared about his health. *sigh* Maybe not, who knows.  My husband, sadly, never wanted to stop drinking.

 

 

 

 

[ieh21]

I am a scientist who believes in God. As such, I also strongly believe in statistics. A more mathematical way of saying "shit happens". Averages exists, but outliers exist as well. The whole world isn't "average" in all respects. This has nothing to do with God working one way or the other. Religions are human conceits anyway, so how could anyone Christian explain anything good happening to a Hindu given the very different frames of religious reference? Why would the Christian God, i.e. the only God be taking care of any Hindus who not only do not believe in the Christian God but actively reject some of the more important commandments (I am your God, there is only one god etc). (note that I am not picking on Christians, I'm using this as an example).

 

So that logic to me has never worked. Statistics happen is all. We need good outcomes, ok outcomes and crappy outcomes and some of us fall in one category or the other, depending on what aspect of our lives you look at. No one "deserves" anything, not really. A lifetime smoker may die by being hit by a bus at age 75, my DH never smoked and died from lung cancer at 39. No one is rewarded for one form of behaviour or the other. This isn't to say we don't sometimes encourage an outcome over another. If I have a ton of unprotected sex with random strangers, my getting a ton of STDs isn't going to qualify as an anomaly. But it also won't be some kind of divine punishment. Leading an overall good life is a goal in of itself, the reward is in the life that is lived right this moment. It doesn't save you from the freak car accident, but it makes your every living moment fuller, more satisfying.

 

Probably this belongs in a larger discussion that is way beyond the scope here. The long and short of it is that DH's death didn't shake my faith. I still believe in God, I still observe my faith. I'm angry that he had to be the statistical outlier. And I hope that this somehow has a greater meaning, that we will, as a family, have learned something from it that will help us be better people one way or the other.

 

 

 

 

[Mizpah]

I never had any faith to lose, but if you like to read you should check out "The Case for God" by Karen Armstrong.  I loved it.  (DH believed in Gd and I didn't/don't, and it was one of the topics we read on together.)  It offers a huge historical perspective, as well as (I think) a broadened idea of the concept of Gd.  (I also read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by a rabbi about his struggles with faith after the death of his young son following a short life of illness and suffering.  His struggles sound similar to yours.)

[Sugarbell]

I will admit I am more jaded now...or rather more realistic.

 

When my best friend from childhood died this spring....everyone e was praying via FB. Everytime she a good report--it was "Praise God I am healed" followed the next month by taking a turn for the worse.

 

I research  melanoma-her stage, etc. I pretty much logically knew she was going to die. Everyone kept sending cyber prayers-I message all of the prayer warriors and told them to send her cards...that she could read. People sent prayers but never bothered to make the trip to see her (4 hours away)...But sent prayers...and dozens made the trip to the funeral. Why bother with the funeral? She's dead now. See her while she's alive.

 

Then I had to hear the " This happened for a reason bullshit"...No it happened because of genetics. :

Her skin type, overexposure to years of tanning beds...and the doctor didn't catch it early enough. If it would have been caught 3 months earlier before it spread-she probably would've lived.

 

Sometimes I think people who have never dealt with tragedy look at God as Santa Clause-who saves the best and the chosen ones...an discards those who aren't as worthy.

 

I believe in evolution too and survival of the fittest (again genetics)...

 

But I never express that view in real life.. Bible Belt creationism area.

[markb74]

first, I have no intention of judging people who do still believe... Different strokes for different folks...

 

I believe in time machines more than a god... I don't need him to save my soul

 

I was raised Roman Catholic, baptized, confirmed, an Altar boy... this ideal young roman catholic...

 

then my grand father died... and I asked questions... and the answers I got "That's just how "he" works" was not cutting the mustard as a valid answer.

 

then when I lost my wife I had people come in, and pray, and ask me to pray with them, I said no almost rudely I think... and i'd always hear... "god has a plan..." oh really, do tell what this plan is... or is it more of a dastardly scheme...

 

so yeah, I don't really buy into the religion hype. churches are just big money grabs and tax-free zones.... in college I found a song, I for some reason liked this song by a group called XTC. and I heard it a few weeks ago after many years of not hearing it... and it clicked. it all made sense...

 

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Never was a fan of organized religion. Someone telling me the harder I pray will result in a different outcome.

One's religion is between themselves, and God. I never bought into the envelopes telling me minimum 5% of my income is necessary to go to a Heaven. However I am a strong and avid believer, just don't require rules.

 

[Guest nonesuch]

This is why I cut slack to people for saying odd things to grieving people.  What works in one situation may not in another.  When my husband died and people said he was in a better place, I fervently hoped so. He wasn't happy here.  When someone said it about my mother two years later, I thought, "No! She was happy. She still had things to do! we weren't through being with her yet!"

[Momtojandj]

I have struggled with my faith since John died. Someone from old boards had posted a link, titled "is God at fault " . I hope it's ok to share. I printed it, and read it quite often . Has changed the way I think a lot about life.

 

http://emilygarvinonedayatatime.blogspot.com/2010/12/is-god-at-fault.html

[lcoxwell]

I feel like I have done the opposite, and my faith has grown, since my Kenneth died. Growing up, I had a family that was very strong and steadfast in their faith. My parents had me and my sister in church every time the church doors were open, unless we were sick or out of town, for whatever reason. I grew up knowing that God answers prayer. I also grew up knowing that sometimes, God's answer is no, and that we may not always understand why He chooses to answer prayers in the way that He does. I have seen God answer many prayers and provide healing, and I have seen times, when good people died. So the fact that my Kenneth died at a young age really and truly did not cause me to question my faith in the least.

 

In Kenneth's final years, he reached a point in which he could no longer be left alone, and I had to stop attending church in order to stay home and take care of him. During those years, I found that my faith faltered, a bit, but it was always there, in my core being. After he died, I was able to return to church, and I have seen my relationship with God and my faith greatly improve. For me, having the opportunity to go to church, to serve a God, and to meet with other like-minded Christians feeds my soul and gives me spiritual strength that I would not have, otherwise. My New Guy is also a man of Christian faith, and I find that my faith in God has also improved, since being with him, because he and I attend church together, pray together, and occasionally read the Bible or watch sermons of favorite pastors together.

[widowat33]

The night my husband died I knew before the police came to tell me that something was very wrong. He was quite a bit later getting home than normal and wasn't answering his cell phone. I remember laying in bed crying and begging god to bring him home safe..little did I know it was already too late for that as his accident had occurred hours earlier.

I have always believed in a higher power, at the same time I respect those who don't, because really how do we know? It brings me comfort to believe that there is something after this life.

When I was younger I attended church, but haven't in many years as I feel you can still have faith without attending service. I have prayed every night as long as I remember.

When my dh died, I wondered what god would do that to a good man, good father. Why would he take away someone who I needed and loved so much. I sometimes still wonder. However when I ask why me, I have to also remember that horrible things happen every day to people who don't deserve it either.

I still feel like it's not fair, but I don't blame god. Things happen, both good and bad.

My youngest doesn't believe in god anymore, not since my husband died, and that's ok too. I always tell him he is allowed to believe whatever he chooses to believe. I do hope that someday his faith returns.

Sending you hugs.

[MrsT85]

I've been an athiest-leaning-agnostic my entire adult life, and nothing about losing my Tim did anything to shake me from staying firmly in that camp.  I know Tim was a hardcore atheist, but I myself have never been comfortable saying that - definitively - there's nothing or no one out there.  I'm comfortable knowing that at the end of the day, I'm simply a very high order Earth animal, and if there is something out there that created us and all of *this*, it's so far beyond my ability to wrap my head around that it would be akin to the tiny intellect of an ant trying to understand the reasons and motivations the scientist had for constructing a vast ant farm.  The only thing I feel 100% confident about is that anyone who thinks they know all the answers to what is all out there and what this all means must be wrong. 

 

I cannot believe for a second though that losing Tim was part of some just, master plan.  And if it was - if someone or something out there decided the correct course of action in the universe was to take a 36 year old soon-to-be public school teacher from his chronically ill 27 year old wife six months before they were planning on trying to start a family - that's not any kind of higher power that I feel deserves my love, respect or devotion.  I think it's far more likely that our existence is simply random, and that some people (myself certainly included) just roll snake eyes a hell of a lot more often than others. 

 

ps - Mark, "Dear God" is a FANTASTIC XTC song.  Both I and my dear Tim loved it. 

[luvmy2babies]

I've struggled.  I thought of chunking that life (my walk of faith), even though it had brought me as far as I'd come.

 

My time is limited so I just copied parts of the blog post I did on it.  "Help, I Want to Trust You."

 

I wouldn't begin to tell you what to do.  I wanted you to know you're not alone.  Sometimes Christians only want to tell the glory and you don't hear about the crawl through the trenches.  You can begin to think it's some sign of something wrong with you.  There are other women in my church who have lost their husbands so I have experienced that.  When they get up and talk I remind myself I don't live with them.  So this is part of my personal story. I choose not to keep that struggle private so if someone else is struggling they won't feel alone.

 

Losing a spouse does something to your world.  I had thought a few times what it might be like if (dh's name) didn't survive one of his episodes; but nothing prepared me for his departure.  Something blew up that day in March and a lot of damage was left.  But slowly and surely as I allowed Him, God put our earth back on its axis and we put a life together as a family.  I didn't always make it easy for Him; but He did it anyway.

 

Eventually I Concluded This Didn't Mean God Had Left Us

 

Not as easy as it sounds when you spend years hoping for a miracle; but I concluded I wasn't going to get through this without God.  I wasn't wired to do that.  He was a major part of my life before this happened.  I was dependent upon Him everyday.  So navigating life on my own at my lowest point wasn't an option.  Interesting thing is it was being at my lowest point that had me considering it.  Yes, I said it.  I thought of walking away. 

 

Things were just that dark.  I had to work hard to get past the "I can't believe you left me here with these babies" with (dh's name) and the "I believed and what did it get me?" mentality with God.  If I'm honest I still have trouble with it. 

 

I read a book by a woman who lost her husband when he was killed in the line of duty.  She said she looked up and asked, "God, are you even there?"  The struggle is real.

 

Some days in our family it felt like (dh's name) was all that mattered and after he died, there were days it felt like God left with him; but that's a possible side effect of grief as a Christian.  I knew that.  Eventually I concluded that for me it was going to take God's presence to put the pieces back together. 

 

It doesn't mean I've done everything right.  Far from it.  I've had dumb days and done some dumb things.  I've gone one way with my little family and had to turn and go another and had that to admit to my daughter in the process of making the correction.  I've had days where I didn't handle the pressures the way I should have.  See, there was some distance between knowing God could and would heal my heart and actually handing Him the pieces so He could do the work.  After March 9, 2010, that took a level of trust I struggled with more often than I like to admit.

 

God Knew I Was Ticked Off

 

I see and hear and read about not having such emotions towards such a kind, perfect, loving being.  But God is also omnipotent.  As much as I tried especially in those early months to focus on (dh's name) being free from the suffering he endured, that feeling of abandonment persisted.  As much as I tried focusing on my children, not having their father to even talk to was like a 50lb weight. 

 

So yeah, I dealt with anger.  I think it would have conquered me had I stayed alone in it.  One day I said, God, I'm mad.  I'm mad at (dh's name) and I'm mad this happened.  I think I'm mad at You.  But it took me over a year.  I cried for (dh's name) more often than people know.  But for too long, I was so caught up in how I wanted to handle this, in wanting my daughter to see God could make things alright, in wanting people to see God could make it alright, I didn't respect the pain.  I tried to skip over the trenches.  I didn't really give Him every piece of my broken heart.  I broke down under that pressure around month 18.  I had said, God I trust You.  He had nothing left to prove right?  But after tragedy, the honest thing for me was...Help me, I want to trust You.  It worked in the Bible right?  (Mark 9:24).  The man with the sick child said, "I believe, help my unbelief." I say this a lot; but God is a big boy.  When I said, "God I'm mad," it seemed His response was "Now we are getting somewhere."

 

It was after that I began to be able to see His love even in the smallest sign.  And that has helped me.  Hugs to you.

[Sugarbell]

With Bs death being suicide...I never blamed God.

 

I blamed evil. I guess my view has become as simplistic as good vs evil... Darkness vs light.

 

I think we are always in a struggle to stay towards the light and not fall prey to darkness (this is said as a recovering addict who fights my own demons daily)

 

When DH died...I saw evil, felt evil...negative energy was everywhere around me.

 

I won't elaborate--no point. But i guess my religion now is always going to the light- Be good and do good.

 

A combo of Christianity. Buddhism and Wiccan. Straight Christianity doesn't totally cut it for me now. (but publicly again I never mention any of this)