Lost and lonely

[Jen]

The bad thing about flying high for a little while is the inevitable crash that occurs when you can't maintain the altitude. A week ago, I felt alive. I was happy-- truly, genuinely, completely happy. I felt like me-- I felt whole, or as near to it as I think I'll ever be capable of. Now that's gone-- it slipped through my fingers, even though I tried like hell to hold on. It was like trying to cling to smoke.

 

I'm grateful for the brief ascent-- I really am. I hold onto the slightest hope that there might be another chance for me to rise, someday. But for now I'm back in the abyss, weighted down by chains of grief and loneliness and encroaching despair. The emptiness is swallowing me again, and I don't know what to do, except keep trudging onward. I'm so tired of being lost in theis wasteland. I was a good person, with potential. I don't understand why my road had to lead here, and I don't guess I ever will.

 

Just needed to get that out. Time to head to bed-- to sleep, perchance to dream-- and then start another empty day. Hugs.

[Callobg]

JJ,

 

Hang in there girl. We're all behind you and hoping that you find that wind beneath your wings again.

 

With love from a fellow wid!

 

Boris

[Wheelerswife]

Ah...the post-bago blues.  Hard, eh?

 

Hugs, Jen!

 

Maureen

[injo]

Jen, I think Maureen is right!!! Boy, do I get it!!

 

(((HUGS)))

[gracelet]

I was determined I wouldn't get post-holiday blues but, alas, it has happened.  You're not alone, my friend.  Ride the waves - you're doing great.

 

Grace

[Virgo]

Peaks and valleys, we're always here to listen. ((hugs)) Jen!

[Tricia]

Jen, you still are an incredible person with unlimited potential. From what I can tell, you've handled everything life has thrown your way with enormous amounts of grace. You've been so supportive of everyone here. Be good to yourself, too.

 

We're all right in there with you, a sucky-ass club of the only people who understand how we can be lighthearted one day and crushed under grief's weight the next. It's just our new normal. You are still you. No one emerges from this unscathed. You're doing a wonderful job. Really.

[mo12]

I hear ya. 

[kjs1989]

I am so sorry, Jen. That is so how it works. I myself am queen of using the distraction method to cope with my grief.  Doesn't work all that well, really. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I am just overcome with a sinking, empty, lonely feeling. I truly can't believe this is my life. I think that is why I don't cry very often. It is just all too big. In between, I just keep trudging ahead finding bits of contentment  and sometimes happiness here and there. Sometimes I feel like I am  faking it 24/7. It scares me a bit.

[Ursula]

Dear, sorry you feel low. If it helps, I am scrambling very close to the bottom too. Just another low phase. Done too many of these but they keep coming back. I have no wise words, but hope all those tears are good for something. I am lost too.

Hope you can touch soft ground too.

Many many hugs xx

 

[gracelet]

(((Jen)))

 

Cry, cry, cry.  Get it out.  There comes a stage where your body just dehydrates!  Be gentle on yourself.  Have a treat.  A manicure.  A new pair of shoes.  A bunch of flowers.  Self gift when you can.  You totally deserve it.

 

Ain't gonna bring Jim back, but you need to focus on you. Surround yourself with positive things, positive people, and it will help.  promise.

 

And just want to reassure you that I too am still having the post-holiday crash. Had a full 'How could you leave me like this?' wail last night for the first time in months. It's natural so don't beat yourself up about it.

 

xx

[Jen]

 

 

Hugs, Jen!

 

Maureen, about a thousand hugs back!! Please know I've been following your travels and sending good thoughts daily, even if I haven't managed to get online and post them.

[Jen]

Massive ((((((((HUGS))))))) to you all. Grace, I think I've cried myself out for the time being... I hope. (Until Tricia's post, then I teared up again... )

 

Can I just be obnoxious and say I love you guys? Honestly... I wouldn't be here without you. I mean that.

[Ursula]

I hear you Jen, I would not be the same person either, if it weren't for nights spent reading and replying on this forum, eaten by mosquitoes sweating and drinking 'dark and stormies'. I have come to realise that grief is like a bad but very persistent follower (companion would be the wrong word I guess), the party pooper, that always sits there and stares at you, especially when you just had a laugh and made a good joke and feel light - that look on grief's face across the room...always at ones shoulder, like a cold shadow that gives you the creeps...

Grace, you are right, be nice to yourself, give yourself gifts, do things that you like (whenever you can) -- hugs , squeeze and a big smile for you

[Jen]

I've been working on the self-care thing, I really have. And I think I've made a little progress, at least. But it's a quiet Sunday afternoon, I'm off today-- weird for a Sunday-- and I'm starting to feel blue. No particular reason... I'm just lonely. (((Hugs)))

[Tricia]

You're not alone. We're here for ya.

[Jen]

(((Hugs))) Thank you. Definitely lost and lonely today... I'm not sure I could even say why. Just another day.

[Jen]

... and again. Or still. No matter what I do, where I go, I'm still lonely. I talk to people-- the baristas at three different Starbucks all know me by name, ask about my kids, etc.; I tried out for a new play; I've been out to dinner with coworkers twice in the last couple weeks. I'm working on better self-care as well-- I walk and journal and try to be mindful of and grateful for what I have. I've made some longer-term plans so I have something to look forward to. Doesn't matter-- I can't resist the pull of the void inside me. I'm always aware of it, and even though I know I can't fill it, I still can't quite bring myself to embrace it.

 

"Knock it off," I tell myself. "You're fine. You have everything you need: family, friends, a job you don't actively despise, a home, things to do. So there's a gaping hole-- so what? You have enough. Learn to be lonely."

 

I just wish I knew how...

[kjs1989]

I am so sorry,  Jen. That void and emptiness is a constant in my life, too. I temper it with a day a time mentality. Even the times I am relatively content and optimistic it is there. I just wonder if it will always be with me. Part of it comes from the feeling of being pulled further and further from D as my life and the kids' lives move forward without him.  It sucks.

[Jess]

I think the key is not to learn how to live with feeling lonely, but rather to learn how to be alone in the sense of not currently being half of a couple without feeling lonely. How does one do that? Heck if I know, but it seems to me you are doing good things for yourself and venturing outside of your loneliness. I think it has to be a step towards the goal. Jen, I wish I could properly express just how inspiring you are to me, whether you are sharing progress or are expressing how tough things are. You have such a clear concept of yourself and if we both have to be on this journey, I count myself lucky to get to share this road with you.

[Jen]

Sad today... just... sad. I was doing better-- felt as though I'd made some progress, but it's been a bad week. I'm so tired of sadness. I wish I could stop caring altogether... just be alone, accept alone, embrace alone. This sucks.

 

((((((HUGS))))))

[Catherine]

This is me this month  :-[ you aren't alone Xx

[Jen]

you aren't alone Xx

 

Trust me... this is the only thing that's getting me through. Not that I would wish a minute of this misery on anyone else, but... it helps to know I'm not the only person dealing with it. So many hugs to you...