Almost Seven Years and Just Heatbroken...

[Guest Lost35]

Nothing more, nothing less.  I don't belong in, "Beyond Active Grieving", I think, but where else is there?

 

My little guy (unborn when it happened) (Unknown when it happened) is turning six in a week and a bit.  He is struggling with not having his Dad.  I'm struggling with not having his Dad.  Otherwise, this is normal for us, which is abnormal in all ways.  I wish I was in a place to consider accepting someone into our lives, but I'm just not.  In so many ways. 

 

I fell asleep last night and thought about him in earnest; him as a living, breathing, loving person, and it was a kick to the chest and a struggle for breath and I just really miss HIM.

 

I can't move past it.  Or get over it.  Or find a way to be okay with it. 

 

Almost seven years.  He should be here.  I miss him and my son needs him.

 

I don't know how to fix this.  I wish there was a way to walk away from this without healing or accepting or feeling better...

 

 

-L.

[Trying]

Lost35 I am so sorry you are feeling so much sadness and longing.  I'm just under 2 years so time wise I'm in a different place than you but I don't think that being beyond active grieving means you don't dip back into powerful grief at times.  Raising your boy alone since before birth is not something you will get over or ever be ok with, i don't think, for yourself or for your son.  It's a really crappy thing for him to not know his Dad.

 

You are an amazing mom and from your posts it is clear that you put your son first and you are doing a great job as a solo parent.  Acknowledging that it sucks hasn't interfered with you giving him the best upbringing you can.

 

Again, I'm not as far along as you, but I need to take the time somewhat regularly to have a good old pity party for myself. I cry or scream and throw things, depending on if it's sadness or anger that's bigger in the moment, and feel sorry for myself that I am living a life I didn't choose without my husband and my kids without their Dad.  Usually after that, a day or more later, I am able to pick myself up and keeping moving forward or at least keep treading water.

 

Yesterday I moved from our home of 15 years.  This move has had me filled with huge swings and extremes of emotions.  Pride in myself for moving forward and doing what I think is best for my family, deep sadness for needing to to it, missing Tim and grieving the life we had together and the loss of the future we had planned, and hope for happiness in my future.

 

Sending you big tight hugs.

[Mizpah]

I wish there was something any of us could do or say, but I wanted you to know I read this and feel tons of compassion/empathy, and am hoping you find some relief long-term and deep.  I'm sending you lots of love.

[Captains wife]

Im so so sorry Lost35. I dont think we can "get over this"..its just living with it, which admittedly is really tough. I am in a similar position - having lost my husband suddenly in an accident, although my child was 9 months old when he died. I was lucky in the sense that my husband got to spend some time with him but my son doesnt remember him at all. And recently my 4-year old's mantra is "I miss my Daddy...." and he sees all the kids on the playground/at school with their Dads and looks heartbroken sometimes. 

 

I am now at 3+ years out and am coping ok but this past week I was in such a funk over what happened to our family, and crying at the drop of a hat. It isnt fair that we have to deal with this loss and doubly unfair the pain that our children are going through.  Our kids do need their Dads - and I know from my end that my son's life would be better with his Dad here.

 

I wish I knew how to fix it too but I guess the best we can do is continue to learn to live with it. I want the grief to go away but it doesnt seem to - and there are so many triggers that bring it back...on a regular basis, including triggers with my son's longing to see his Dad. I keep telling my grief therapist that I want to move on and get past this and she tells me that this will be with me for a long while, especially as my son will be greiving as he gets older.

 

So sorry Lost35, I wish I could fix this for all of us and I hope you get back to a better place soon. From your posts, you seem like such a dedicated and amazing mother and your son is lucky to have that. The only "advice" I am taking for myself to keep going is to let myself grieve when I need to (and I tend to cry in the car, when I have privacy), I keep busy, I try and find ways to get back to the person/life I was/had before I was married, I exercise alot (endorphins), I post on here alot and speak with my grief therapist and I am trying to move my life in the direction I want it to go, building a "new life" for me and my son.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

 

[IfIonlycould]

Passed through my seven year mark recently, we are on the same timeline and that has always made me feel like somehow we are kindred spirits.  His death is now a part of my story, it does not define me in my entirety like it once did but has become a part of who I am.  Losing him at the midpoint in life has changed the path I was on, has changed where I thought I was headed, has changed where I thought my life would be....I have struggled with the acceptance, not of his death, no I will never accept the death of an incredible 42 year old man, but of the acceptance that the thoughts I had of where my life was and where it was headed are no longer my reality.  I have had to take a (sometimes) harsh look at my reality in the past seven years and I have come to accept that I had a new path to walk.  Sounds clean and neat all summed up like that but it has been far from clean and neat as many who know my postings and me IRL over these past seven years, it is something that is an ever evolving process.

 

Sending support your way,  I wish there was more I could do for you, I truly do.....if it helps in even the tiniest way please know I am listening...

[Guest Lost35]

It does help to know you are listening, all of you, so thank you for your kind responses...

 

Our life is for the most part, good, if not lonely.  I've worked hard to give my son a stable and loving home.  The sadness of losing Peter and the fact that he will never know his son is always there, no matter what.  My heart really does feel broken.

 

I'm at a point where I don't talk about it to anyone anymore, so it means a lot that I can come here and let it out.  It takes the pressure off and allows me to clear my head, which I'm grateful for.

 

So again,  thank you for responding and caring and for letting me be heard.

 

-L.

[iloveyoualways]

Lost 35,  I understand as I find myself thinking the same thoughts. It has been four and a half years for us. A sudden accidental death at 34 (husband), 36 (myself), and a 2.5 year old son. I am heartbroken for a son who will not remember his father. I feel beyond broken in the prime of my life. I cannot let anyone else in even though I am extremely lonely. The act of solo parenting can isolate and wear us down. I cannot ever accept that he left this earth and our lives so suddenly. I am so sad for all of us and our children whose lives took a tragic detour. I am sorry that I lack any words of wisdom because if I had some I would not feel very simular feelings to yours. I think of you often.

[hikermom]

Lost,

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. I am grateful my daughter had 7 years with her dad and can't begin to know the unique sadness you and your son feel. It is inadequate to say but it is all so unfair.

 

Our life is for the most part, good, if not lonely. 

This struck me. It is so often something I say in part because I don't want to focus on how hard it is all the time or the struggles and sadness and pain my daughter and I feel. But at the same time it is good - we have a home, we have each other, I have a job I love. In so many ways we have more than a good chunk of the earth's population. But the heartbreak is still there, coloring every aspect of our lives.

 

A simple statement that you made but it spoke volumes to me. I'm sending wishes for peace and light out to you.

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Lost35, not much to add but also wanting to weigh in with my support.  The loneliness is profound.  I am grateful for your honesty about it.  This stuff is so hard.  ((Lost35))

[MikeR]

Lost35,

 

I can't move past it.  Or get over it.  Or find a way to be okay with it.

 

...

 

I don't know how to fix this.  I wish there was a way to walk away from this without healing or accepting or feeling better...

 

We all move through this grief process at our own pace and in our own way, but there are some norms, in a broad sense. For you, after 7 years, to be unable to move past it is outside the norm. Also, wanting to walk away without healing or accepting or feeling better after 7 years is atypical.

 

Regardless of the pace, I think we should all be progressing over time. You seem to be stuck. If you are, talking to a professional might help. Finding a way to make peace with what happened, whatever that means to you, is a good goal. If you can't do it on your own, accepting some help seems reasonable. The alternative is to remain where you are right now. Both you and your son would be affected negatively by that over time.

 

It's been 9 years for me. I've come to terms with some difficult things like the fact that my children will never really know their mother (they were 10 & 4 at the time). It was hard - my instinct was to run away from the painful thoughts and feelings. But I came to realize that when I ran away, they followed and eventually caught up with me again. If, instead, I embraced the pain, felt it fully and looked for the real meaning behind that pain, it subsided somewhat, Over time, it continues to subside. It never goes away completely, but it gets to a point where it's manageable.

 

I'm so sorry to read of your struggles and I do hope you find a way to progress.

 

Mike

[ATJ]

Lost35:

?I'm at a point where I don't talk about it to anyone anymore, so it means a lot that I can come here and let it out.  It takes the pressure off and allows me to clear my head, which I'm grateful for.

 

So again,  thank you for responding and caring and for letting me be heard.?

 

 

(((L.)))

 

You have received many kind and caring responses. It is comforting that there are others who know how to listen without judgment and offer their compassionate support when you do not have any other place to turn to.

 

Your situation contains so many complicating, contributory factors, which are interwoven in the loss of your husband, and therefore make it more difficult to deal with it. My heart goes out to you!

 

Please do not feel that you have to conform to other people's arbitrary standards of what they perceive to be 'the norm' or 'typical' in the healing process, viewed through their personal, myopic lens. Presumptuous societal pressure to "show progress" and applying simplistic benchmarks only adds to an often overwhelming and painful situation.

 

I do know how many multi-front, determined and valiant efforts you have made over the years to come to terms with your very complicated circumstances, meanwhile creating a warm and nurturing environment for your son to grow up and experience the joys and adventures of childhood. You have introduced him to the wonders and awe of life and have given him rich experiences that many children will never know. You have done your utmost to compensate for the absence of his father, despite your deeply broken heart, and are an exceptional mother.

 

As to your undying, deep love for your husband and painfully missing him, it reminded me of the following poem:

 

I love thee, I love but thee

With a love that shall not die

Till the sun grows cold,

And the stars grow old.

 

~~ Bayard Taylor

 

 

For those who were fortunate enough to have experienced a deep and all-encompassing soul connection such as yours, it is hard to live with the 'absence of presence' of the one who is gone, and it is indeed not something that can be "fixed". The best we can do is trying to learn to live with it, which is easier said than done.

 

"With great love comes great pain."

-- Henry White

 

 

 

 

Wishing you Peace, Healing and a bright and sunny horizon!

 

ATJ

[Guest Lost35]

Thank you for your kindness and understanding.  It is a great help these days.  I may be abnormal, but at least I'm not alone!!

 

 

-L.

[Quixote]

Thank you so much for posting this.  I don't feel as broken, knowing others can't move on easily.  I'm at four years now, a bit beyond.  And it's a daily struggle. Still wake up every morning wondering where she is.  Still go to sleep trying to pretend the pillow at my back is her.  Still have the nightmares.  And I keep thinking "what the hell is wrong with me?" 

 

Sending healing thoughts your way.  FWIW, the one time I'm happy is when I'm doing stuff I think she would have liked.  It's sort of like the "married but dating" things we always did.  Just be careful about the come down afterwards.  It can go either way.

[Guest Bear1956]

 

(((bear hugs)))

[Mac]

Sending good thoughts your way.

[Shawn823]

Hugs, Lost.

Your words resonate so much with me, although my circumstances are different in so many ways.

I too miss my husband, the unique person he was, the profoundly deep and unbreakable bond we had--I am not lonely for a marriage or hugs or conversation--I feel loved by many and grateful for that--but I am lonely for HIM every day and so very deeply saddened by his absence, and no one can or will ever take his spot.

Nothing you write seems "abnormal" to me---despite your unabiding sadness and broken heart, you have, by all accounts here, done a wonderful job raising your son and given him such a loving home and rich life experiences. If you were truly broken--not heartbroken, but broken as a functional, contributing person--I doubt that you would have accomplished so much with your son.

I have a wonderful friend, who I discovered was widowed at the age of 29--our meeting was not in the context of shared widowhood. She has accomplished much in her life in many spheres of her life--academic, professional, artistic--most of it after the death of her husband, but she was unable to really appreciate any "mending" of her shattered heart well until 10 to 15 years out from the loss of her soulmate. Talking with her for many hours as I have done, has convinced me that such a path is possible. When I met her, I felt such a sense of "joie de vivre" and positive life affirming energy  from her---I had no idea that her history was one of such heartbreak.

Do not despair--there are many roads yet to travel.

Shawn

[Guest Lost35]

Shawn823,

 

What a beautiful post...thank you for it.  It is helpful to hear there is healing yet to be done and the time to do it in.  I find relaxing and letting things be, accepting them as they come, or don't come, has been most useful and provided the greatest healing.  Who knew, for the greatest and hardest of journeys, the path of least resistance, would be most healing.  Perhaps it is due to the PTSD; forcing anything just simply does not work and disrupts all the work I've done to get where I am.  Letting things be, allowing them to take whatever time is needed seems to be the only way forward...

 

Thank you.

 

Lynne