Quiet

[Mizpah]

The YWBB was instrumental to my surviving widowhood in the early weeks and months (back in mid-2011).  It seems so quiet here recently.  I like to think it's because no one's getting widowed.  I suspect perhaps, though, that this site may be harder to find than YWBB was???  Total speculation on my part, but if it's true, it makes me sad for new widows - that they could be missing out.  The site used to be so active, full of tons of posts daily I thought, though I could be misremembering....

[serpico]

I've thought the same thing, though I wonder if the old board just had a larger 'backlog' of widows which this one hasn't built up yet?

[hikermom]

I've been thinking the same thing, Mizpah. I don't know if there is some way to bump this up in the internet search engines.

 

I originally found my way to YWBB because of a book that had resources listed in the back. I, too, found YWBB to be my lifeline in the first 18 months. I travel here less because I need support less. I have been trying to come on to provide support as I can but find fewer and fewer people. I feel for those that could benefit from this but may never know this resource is available.

 

(I love Good Will Hunting, Serpico! DH and I watched it many times while we lived in the Boston area. He worked in Southie and knew many of the places where it was filmed. I'm assuming your signature is that line from the movie.)

[serpico]

(I love Good Will Hunting, Serpico! DH and I watched it many times while we lived in the Boston area. He worked in Southie and knew many of the places where it was filmed. I'm assuming your signature is that line from the movie.)

 

Nah, I just like pickles.  Kidding! 

[widowat33]

I have to be honest, I don't post as much as I used to. I do come on and read frequently. Most of my posts get one or two replies, so I figure either no one else feels the way I'm feeling or people can't be bothered to comment. Either way I just don't bother anymore. I do not post as eloquently as others, and sometimes I get the sense of not belonging, even here. This is not self pity, just how I see it, and it could be that others feel this way as well. Or maybe just afraid to put their feelings out there.

When I joined YWBB it helped me not feel so alone. This site, not so much. Could be due to the fact that I'm farther out now and have other support systems I rely on. Also could be because of the many years of posts on the old site, covering many topics.

There have been many times I have started a topic to erase it because I'm just not sure it would be helpful in any way, or anyone else would really understand.

I haven't checked the number of people registered here lately, so it could be because of it being a little harder to find. I wonder if a Facebook page would help to direct more people here?

 

[Jess]

Any time someone finds us that is newly widowed my heart breaks but I am also so very encouraged people are finding us that need people that get it.

 

There are a few things that everyone could do to help build this community if they wish:

 

1. Keep posting and create history for people to read. We lost so much when YWBB shut down, but we are the pioneers of this space. We need to fill it with our experiences, advice we found helpful, struggles, and triumphs. I think second guessing whether or not to say something happens too much, not that I blame anyone. I do it myself because at times I feel like no one wants to hear from Suzy Sunshine (and I know sometimes I am so right about that!). The thing is that although something may have been talked about at length in the old forum, that discussion may not have happened here so getting your thoughts out there matters. Also, the simple fact is active sites rise in search results.

 

2. Outreach. For example, Justin and I have messaged people on Facebook that identify themselves as widowed in comments to public posts or articles that use Facebook for commenting, etc. The messages go to their "other" folder so they may not see it, but we have had some success getting new members directed here without publishing our site to non-widows. Also, if you hear of someone that has been widowed, see what you can do about passing the site name to them. If you have a blog and are comfortable enough with doing it (I know a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable), mention the forum to your readers.

 

3. If you identify a resource for widows that you think we should get this site added to, PM an admin or moderator with the URL and we can see what we can do. For example, Bluebird got us added to One Fit Widow. The more we are out there for the right people to find us, the better chance we have to be found.

 

As someone that was newly widowed at the time YWBB was shut down, I can attest to the fact that even that board was slowing down in activity. I would refresh constantly waiting for someone, anyone to just say something. At times it would be hours. In my personal opinion, which may or may not be accurate, that had a lot to do with not getting new members activated. We try to be quick here on approvals. Typically, we are getting about 5-10 new members a week (we have had 2 in the past day). Some post, some do not, but all get approved in less than 24 hours. In fact, I think the longest wait anyone has had so far was 6 or 7 hours because we have to sleep occasionally. Now it is about getting them to find us in the first place.

 

If you have other suggestions on increasing our visibility, please respond in this thread or PM. I want this place to thrive and by no means have the magic answer that will ensure that. Hopefully together we can figure it out.

[Virgo]

Wouldn't you think activity here would slow down some in the summer anyway? A lot of summer activities, kids out of school, and vacations.

 

Great suggestions Jess! I have mentioned widda.org on Facebook a few times.

 

widowat33- I think you should continue to post your thoughts. Even if people don't respond just reading your thoughts might be helping them.

 

 

[MrsDan]

I have not been posting because my life is a complete fucking shit show and I don't have any time at all. It's been one disaster after another and even if I had the time, I've realized I'm completely unqualified to give advice. I do read, and would like to offer support, but honestly I'm so completely tapped out. And I'm not even sure what support means from someone like me, who almost three years out wakes up every day wishing she didn't has to contribute. It's such an important community and I really hope it continues to grow. I wish I could offer more, but right now, but I just can't.

[Guaruj]

I suspect perhaps, though, that this site may be harder to find than YWBB was???

 

I think you nailed a big part of the problem in that sentence.  Compounding this problem is that YWBB was shut down so abruptly that many members never found their way to the temporary site we used prior to widda.org.  If it weren't for the fact that Wheelerswife and I were exchanging messages at that time, I would have never found my way to widda.org, because she notified me that YWBB was shutting down.

 

I was activated on YWBB around New Year's Day 2015.  I found YWBB by doing a Google search for something like "online widow support group" or

"bereavement support groups online".

 

I just tried both of those searches.  In both cases, I couldn't find widda.org anywhere in the first 5 pages of search results.  In the second search (which I believe led me to YWBB), I found a support group for people who had lost pets but not widda.org.

 

I may have missed something - I encourage others to search and see if widda.org appears.  If your results are like mine, then it would make sense for widda.org to improve its search engine ranking and drive more traffic to this site.

 

Does anyone have direct experience with this?  I write software myself, but my experience with search engines is slight and not especially relevant. I'd still like to help.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

 

 

[Trying]

MrsDan, I'm happy to see you posting but sorry to hear things are so rough.  I was hoping that the move and new job would bring some light into your life. 

 

I have noticed that we don't seem to be getting many newbies and unfortunately I don't think it's because there are less of us out there.  I'm pretty dense about how things like this work so I have no suggestions on how to make the site more visible. maybe it just takes time.

[Guest TooSoon]

After I had my little freak out earlier this spring, I needed to take a little break but ultimately returned both because we were hosting a bago at my house and felt I couldn't sort of drop the ball on that (nor did I want to) and also because it seemed important to keep posting.  But summer came and I've either been out of town or with almost no childcare help and its been a race from one thing to the next with almost no down time, some of it fabulous, some of it maddening, and yes, some of it excruciatingly lonely and confusing.  What I do know is that there are a lot of people lurking around reading, just not posting, both newbies and oldsters.  Maybe this thread will be encouragement to chime in either again or for the first time. 

 

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing left to say.  Other times it just seems like I would be whining.  But one thing is for certain, I would not have made it as relatively unscathed as I did without ywbb and the many friendships I made there, some of which exist now solely in real time and space and others which I maintain here.   

 

With school starting again soon and the real rat race back on and long stretches without seeing Andy, you very well might be hearing more from me....be careful what you wish for 

 

Thanks always to everyone who got this going and all who keep it going.  Still fledgling, but already making a difference for many people. 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I don't know. I used to post more often. Many did. One issue I did see is someone offered a post, seemingly looking for advise. Especially with post widowed relationships. Good advise was offered and said person(s) seem to defend a (wrong) relationship. They know it's good advise, but discount it and then get angry at someone trying to help. So in my thoughts, why try to offer sane advise ? I just try to live a life, without my spouse, hoping some people may help, regarding experiences, we have. Like said, I don't offer much anymore. Too busy trying to navigate the loss, and trying hard to find some happiness, in this terrible widowed status.

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Also, there are many more widows (female), it seems, to widowers, in respect to experiences, or what emotions one will disclose. Guys seem to be in the minority, l think it's sometimes forgotten than men grieve just as hard (and long), as women. I know I will never fully get past the loss of my Wife. She was everything I wanted, and could have hoped for. A Hero.

[ieh21]

I agree, it is slower. it'll take a while to rebuild. I hope newer young widows will find it still a useful resource. Certainly helped me tremendously.

[Wheelerswife]

I find myself reading more than responding...not sure if it's just the emotional places I've been in...sometimes I can't see past my own nose.  Sometimes, I merely skim.  I also fear scaring off newer wids or even those further out who are in the dating/relationship realm.  Sometimes, I just don't even know what to say, and I'd rather not kick someone while they are down.  I've stuck my foot clearly down my throat before and then cringed when I realized I'd said the wrong thing.  Maybe its just the roller coaster.  I'm hoping I am rounding the bend and into a bit of smooth sailing.  The summer was tough...but on some level necessary... and good.

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

I have noticed that we don't seem to be getting many newbies

 

I should've been more specific, or maybe I didn't even realize what I was saying myself when I posted.  A lot of veteran widows say they post less now, and I think that's totally normal and natural, and was the case at YWBB as well (unless I'm wrong).  But the newly widowed section was always so busy, with some people posting several times a day and tons of responses.  I think it's the lack of vocal/processing new widows that I'm noticing most starkly. 

[Justin]

I have noticed that we don't seem to be getting many newbies

 

I should've been more specific, or maybe I didn't even realize what I was saying myself when I posted.  A lot of veteran widows say they post less now, and I think that's totally normal and natural, and was the case at YWBB as well (unless I'm wrong).  But the newly widowed section was always so busy, with some people posting several times a day and tons of responses.  I think it's the lack of vocal/processing new widows that I'm noticing most starkly.

 

Mizpah, you are correct. As Jess mentioned earlier, we are are actually adding new members are a fairly regular basis; however, these new members are not posting very much (or at all).

 

I seem to recall that there were waxing and waning periods of activity on YWBB. For myself, I feel a bit guilty for not posting and sharing more in the last few months. My wid community has been there for me and I need to continue to give back on a regular basis. I'm in a really good place right now and just have been identifying myself less as a widower lately and thinking of that status as being just one more facet of the total "me".

[hikermom]

And I'm not even sure what support means from someone like me, who almost three years out wakes up every day wishing she didn't has to contribute. It's such an important community and I really hope it continues to grow. I wish I could offer more, but right now, but I just can't.

 

FWIW, MrsDan, I always take something away from your posts. Sometimes I need to know I'm not the only one struggling at times, sometimes I just need your ironic humor. I understand having no time, your life being a shit show - pretty much where I am right now - but I'm glad you still check in sometimes. I don't post anywhere near as much as I did on YWBB but then I was moving away from that site as well. A natural progression as time passes.

 

Just wanted to acknowledge you - I miss hearing from folks that were in a similar timeframe as me and wonder how so many of you are doing. I hope you get some relief from the chaos and challenges.

[Carey]

I think what we are forgetting here, is the main thing I think new widows want is to feel they are not alone. That others DO feel that despair, loneliness, emptiness, panic, etc.... so when we are sitting here not replying because we can't offer advice, or constructive advice ..the support they are looking for is not for us to solve their problems.  They are looking for comraderie to let them feel they belong SOMEWHERE and that they are not an alien now because they have been widowed.  WE are worried about whether anyone would be interested in what we have to say, that's not our responsibility. Be yourself, speak what you feel, help when/if you can, just be there if you can't. Don't get offended if someone doesn't snap up your advice and say "EUREKA she just fixed my life!!".  It's a sounding board.  We come from so many walks of life and unlike a lot of message boards where the common denominator is a common interest or something that ties people together, the only tie we really in all of us across the board is that we lost our spouse.  So you have so many different view points and that's OK.  We shouldn't worry about what we say, if this was the place we want it to be ... we wouldn't be afraid , yaknow?

[Jen]

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing left to say.  Other times it just seems like I would be whining.

 

Me too. There are plenty of times that I start to post and then delete because, honestly, who needs more of my crap cluttering up the place? I've said all there is to say about it, I think. Other times I can't help myself, and I go ahead and post, hoping that y'all will forgive me for needing to get it out of my head and onto the screen.

 

I think what we are forgetting here, is the main thing I think new widows want is to feel they are not alone. That others DO feel that despair, loneliness, emptiness, panic, etc....

 

Thank you for this. Feeling alone is still the biggest challenge I face, and that's why I'm here. My head knows I'm not alone; my heart insists I am. Sometimes the cognitive dissonance is so loud I can't hear myself think, so that's when I post-- just like everyone else, I'm trying to sort all this out. I read more than I write, and I promise, there have been lots of times that someone said what I needed to hear-- I just wasn't in a place to comment.

 

I am deeply grateful for this community. That's all.

 

(((((HUGS)))))

[SoVerySad]

I'm guilty of not posting lately, although I have been reading most days. I'm in a terrible place right now- just really setback, so I've not felt like my contributions would be helpful. I do care about my widda family here though, as well as having deep empathy for all the new members who join our ranks. I remember the relief I felt upon first finding the community at the ywbb. I will try to do better at contributing as I believe this resource is so important.

 

I also suspect the availability of the like feature has cut down on the number of actual posts. If you think that when there wasn't a like feature, more people may have actually posted, which then may have led to additional posts if those posts sparked additional conversation, etc. I don't do facebook much, so the like feature has taken me some getting used to. It doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy to me, but then those who know me know I 'm more of a wordy person.

 

Sending you all tight hugs...

[Jen]

There's me with the like button...

 

I think you're right. It's a nice feature, I can like a post and say "I see/hear/understand you" without saying anything. But, yes, it probably reduces actual posting. I know I respond more in my head than I do online.

 

(((((SVS)))))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm right there with you.

[Jess]

SVS, I was actually thinking about you lately and wondering how you are doing. I am sorry things are tough and I hope a bright spot finds you soon.

 

This is not directed at you or anyone specifically, but i have been thinking about some things. I think we all fall in the trap of not sharing the tough times sometimes, but the fact of the matter is we all have them. All of us have dead spouses/partners, and that pain is something that people that have not experienced it can simply not really understand. Man, I wish they understood what blessing it is to live under that veil. That is why we need each other in the first place. Yes, it is a journey towards healing, but it is also a journey we have to embark on because of the incredible pain this experience involves. If we do not share the pain, how does the healing have the same impact? On the flip side, if we do not share the healing, how is there hope?

 

I guess my point is we should stop second guessing ourselves when we have something to say. I include myself in that sentiment. Someone, whether they say so or not, will relate, and that to someone that can feel so alone is such a gift.

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Was also going to say about the like feature.

I think i have mixed feeling about this but have gotten used to it.

This is really the only place I've seen as far as widowed support, that's not continuously repetitious, meaning everything sorrowful. I think it needs more time to grow, but it was amazing that the people who started it, took the time to make it a smooth transition from the fallout of the other site, which was abrupt, and just seemed abandoned.

It (the other site), was a great place, before the fallout. Maybe this can grow, even better, but it probably will take some time.

[keeptrying]

I forgot the widda.org and I went to search for it. A ton of different websites came up that you could join and chat. Reading the posts it seemed as though there were people reaching out desperately for help.. and the only responses they received were terrible or they typical "things will get better" - and these are all widows boards, which surprised me on all the answers they posted that a widower would NOT want to hear.  - I think what I am trying to say, if you search there are other boards you are directed to, you sign up, get let down.. and stop searching.. Widda.org doesn't show up when you search.

There's some good stuff here. but not as much what you could use or need like YWBB. You can post here, but you don't really get too many responses. I have been to chat many times, and I am the only one there. Doesn't make good for conversation.

I think we DO need the depressing emotional rants, and the posts on how people deal with this new life day to day.. and the people who have positive emotional rants. I know I am an emotional wreck on an emotional roller coaster. I don't want to feel like I am the only one. I want to know there is hope.. another day..  I want to support others on here also.