Did you prepare the school teacher?

[Guest fern]

I tried to meet with the kindergarten teacher before school started but they couldn't make it happen on their end. I've realized from our interactions and some things they have said that the teacher doesn't know much about grief in children. It's possible they have never encountered this situation before. It always seems it is my job to be proactive and reach out and educate everyone (on terminal illness, on how hospice works, on how to talk to and help a widow, on how to talk to the kids, etc). Did you have to help the school learn how to handle your children's grief? And if so, what did you do?

 

Thank you!

[Sugarbell]

I told my oldest teacher in Kindergarten-2nd grade. Then I quit. But never for into specifics with them-just gave them a heads up at beginning of year-because those were the grades that still did "Dad" stuff and really was just trying to keep the teacher in the loop.

 

No-I never discussed my kids grief with the school. They are educating hundreds of kids with various issues. It's not my place to discuss grief, illness (suicide in my case) with school staff. Also with me (and all 3 kids had not even started kindergarten when he died)..I didn't want them thinking "My Dad died so I can misbehave" etc. Not at all saying that is the case here....but really my kids never wanted anything discussed. School was a safety happy zone for them when they were little.

 

But I know I am a hard ass....But 8 years later being a hard ass paid off.

[NoKindaDancer]

Yes. I now send a short email to the teacher before school starts to briefly explain when and how DH died. For my youngest starting kinder, I just requested that the teacher back her up if she over hears another kid calling her a liar about her dad bc the story is so unbelievable to young kids that they just can't fathom it all. And I let her know that DD is very matter of fact about it all bc I just don't want people to be shocked when she just says "my dad is dead. He's in a box on the dresser in my moms room". Otherwise I didn't discuss more how to handle it. My oldest is now entering 3rd and its a small school so the kids mostly know the story by now but I just briefly tell he teachers, mainly so they aren't shocked on "tell me about your family picture day". When he was going into first, it had all just happened, so my email was a bit longer explaining that he was in the mode of just trying to be normal and didn't really want to discuss...that changed as the year went on and he was more comfortable with the teache and other kids.

It is a shitty thing to add to the back-to-school to-do list.

[Virgo]

In our school district the elementary school hands out information packets for parents to fill out. I always mention it briefly on the 'about your child' form. I think it's good for the teacher to be made aware. It can help prevent some awkward situations.  Once my youngest daughter is out of elementary school I won't mention it anymore.

[serpico]

One of the many blessings of living in a small town is that everyone knew our situation when school started (Mom had died two months before school started). My youngest was starting 1st grade and her teacher had lost her Dad when she was in her early 20's, and I'm fairly certain that placement was no accident.

 

As to your question, I would definitely make it known what your kid(s)' situation is. If you can't reach the teacher before school, maybe send an email when classes start or at least inform the principal or guidance counselor. Heck, your school secretary often knows more than anyone in the building...perhaps you could reach out to her?

[Guest fern]

the school is very small, only 20-30 kids in each grade. It's all still very fresh and raw and my child seems to find comfort by talking about Dad (and Dad was primary caregiver who did all the cooking all the driving all the shopping and they spent every day together) and I want the teacher to be ok with that. I've noticed that grown ups avoid talking about Dad, like he never existed, and that's not ok with me. My little one has become very shy and uncertain since it happened and I want the teacher to let me know how they get on.

[calimom]

Fern.  Try not to be confrontational about this.  My son went into kindergarten two months after his dad died in a car accident.  I put in in the school information and let it go at that. At the end of the day, he just needed to be a normal student and blend into the class, which he did.  Everything turned out OK.  The back story was just the back story, and all the other students have them too, though losing a dad is a pretty big back story. 

 

If you're able to, as I was, volunteer with the class, make friends (not enemies) with the teacher.  It's all going to be all right in the end.  Really, it is.

[Trying]

I think it's ok to check in with a quick email periodically, every 2 weeks maybe or if something specific comes up.  Teachers appreciate knowing if something different is going on at home. She can update you on your child's adjustment.

 

From my experience, my 3 boys are very different at home than at school.  School is an escape for my youngest, he doesn't want to feel different but he is pretty matter of fact about his situation.  My oldest had a big chip on his shoulder because he was much older and everyone knew his Dad so well.  My middle son picked one adult at his school to go to. 

 

Good luck with the start of school, kindergarten is an adjustment under the best of circumstances but hopefully an exciting and positive one!

[Carey]

My son had to change schools just a couple months after his dad died, because we had to move and the transition was so unsuccessful he's repeating the 9th grade.  Last year I had tell them more than once that no, he's not just a sullen moody unhappy teenager and he's not intentionally being belligerent just to piss you off.  New school doesn't seem to have much grief training or even compassion for that matter.  So I am sure I will be repeating myself again this year.  First year of high school was hell, I can't even fathom kindergarten.      I truly hope it all goes well, I am sure if you speak with the teachers, they will be compassionate and patient, given the age group. 

[Guest TooSoon]

We're going into year three since my husband  died.  His was a very public, well known illness in our town so not much explanation was required. 

 

However, I send (and will again this year) an email just letting the teacher know that a) my daughter is VERY forthright talking about her father's death so do not be surprised when this happens and b) that my door is always open and that I want to work with the school and the teachers should any concerns arise. 

[Justin]

My daughter was entering her junior year of high school, and since we live in a small town, most of her teachers knew that DW had passed during the summer. I did send a Facebook message to a teacher that was hired right before the school year started, just to give her a heads up.

 

I think it is important for school personnel to know the situation, especially to explain any out of the ordinary behavior from our children.

[canadiangirl]

Hi Fern, yes I put the information on the school information form and as it has been 3 grades now at the same school I expect the teachers share information among themselves (I have no issue with that).  I think it is important that they know because it can come up in conversation, raised by my child or via awkward questions posed by other children (the other day at camp drop-off a kid asked me "Why do you always do the drop-offs?  Where is (x's) dad?")  While my child is coping and can discuss it in a matter-of-fact way, the death of a classmate's parent can cause anxiety issues in OTHER children in the class (this happened to us- another child had to go to counselling because of the death of my spouse).  Definitely a heads-up is appropriate and the school social worker or guidance counsellor should have access to resources for the teacher. 

[Guest fern]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I've said it elsewhere on this forum and will say it again, it is so immensely helpful to hear from others in similar boats (since I know that none of our boats are the same).

 

I wrote to the principal and asked for a meeting with the kindergarten teacher and the counselor. She wrote back that it was a good idea and we all plan to meet on Friday.

[keeptrying]

It was one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have ever done, and I will regret it forever...

I was told that I needed to tell the school. I contacted the guidance counselor at the school and I explained that my sons father just died. He said, well how did it happen? Was there a lot of blood? Did he see it at all? All kinds of sick morbid curiosity questions he rambled off. I said, I don't like to talk about it. He said, okay then, bye.. and hung up. I contacted my younger sons school. Explained that my husband passed away and I was informing them. - I took the children out for a few days, we went to an indoor water park, just to get out of the "doom and gloom" mood. And to prove to myself that I CAN do this alone.  I called to ask to excuse the kids out of school and they said no. They sent me a letter saying they are taking me to court because I had my kids out of school without a doctors note for a few days. I contacted them about the letter and they said they were going to call child protective services on me because I am only one person, and it isn't possible for one person to take care of so many children. I explained that my children are well dressed, straight a students and do not have any behavioral issues in school. SURE THING, next day, they came knocking at my door. They went through my whole house, refrigerator, made me sign a release of all medical records. They told me that maybe I was not "grieving properly".  and the schools reason was that when she asked how I was doing, I said I wished my husband would come home (which meant I was crazy) - when the child services said that, he raised his voice and said, YOU KNOW HE IS DEAD RIGHT?  -  They left and said they don't know why they were called, everything looked great but they need to investigate when they are called. -  It has been hell. I regret ever saying anything. Thank GOODNESS my kids don't have any issues and are straight A students.. I am sure they would have tried to take away the only thing that matters to me, the only thing I have left. I have gotten so paranoid. They did not help, quite the opposite.

[hikermom]

My husband died right before the start of third grade for DD. I did call the school and set up a time to meet with the teacher and guidance counselor. This being a small town, they already knew, but we set up plans for communication between home and school as well as a contingency plan for DD if she was having a hard time.

 

For the most part, they've been great. It helped DD know what she should do if she was having a hard time or started to cry. I think it helped the teacher as well.

 

I don't say anything at the start of school now, figuring the teacher knows. But even if they didn't, that is fine. The whole reason in the first place was to help DD feel prepared in the early days. I'm glad I did. And am fortunate that our small, under resources school handled it so much better than some.

[amy0520]

My husband died 2 months after my DD started kindergarten. I pulled her out of school on the Friday that he died. I emailed her teacher over the weekend and let her know what happened. That Monday I called her school counselor to inform her, but the teacher had already informed her. Her school was very helpful in the first couple weeks. My daughter's teacher actually came to a memorial snowmobile race they had for my husband. This school year, her first grade teacher sent home a "get to know you" sheet that I filled out and let her know what happened. I think my DD was placed with a teacher who lost her father at a young age as well. I think a quick email or phone call to let them know what happened can't hurt.

[Missmybecky]

I didn't tell my son's teacher this year but she knows now. Today was his birthday and I got an email from his teacher telling me that he had an unexplained emotional breakdown and was unable to focus during a writing assignment. So, I got to reply to her email and explain to her how grief works and how it will fuck with your head when you are least expecting it.