Hope in the rearview mirror, receding fast...

[Jen]

Warning: meltdown ahead. I guess that's what it is... I was foolish enough to think that maybe I was past them. It seems like forever since I posted a thread. I haven't even been responding much lately-- I'm sorry for that. It's not that you haven't all been on my mind, I just haven't had the energy/time/motivation to write and say so. I could blame school or work or kids (or, realistically, all of the above), and it would be true... but it would seem... disingenuous. They say you can always make time for the things you really want to do, and this is no exception. So if I'm honest with myself, I haven't been spending as much time here because... I don't want to be here.

 

There. I said it. I don't want to be here. I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Here.

 

More to the point, I DON'T WANT TO BE A WIDOW.

 

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of thinking about it, of my widowed state being my defining characteristic. I hate it. I hate that this is my life and nothing will ever, ever change it. I could meet Prince Freaking Charming tomorrow, he could sweep me off my feet and carry me away to his castle in the clouds, and I would *still* be a widow. I'm still Jim's Jen, and therefore I'm no one's. I will always and forever wear the big scarlet W.

 

For awhile, this past month or so, I was almost okay with it. I've been dabbling in having some species of social life, spending time with people who either don't know I'm a wid, or have only ever known me as one and therefore don't see any great change. It's been kind of... freeing, getting to (re)define myself. I like the person I'm becoming, or maybe I like the person I've always been but was afraid to get to know. I've been brave, I've taken risks, I've stopped putting limits on myself (okay, maybe not entirely, but it's a work in progress). I've discovered things in me I never knew were there, and I've finally taken a good look at things I've avoided for years. I'm doing the work, damn it-- I'm not a slacker, I'm not in denial, I'm actively trying to learn to have a life, so isn't that enough??!? Do I get some kind of gold star from the universe, a get-out-of-hell-free card?

 

No. No, I don't. Because I'm a wid, and as my dear friend Michael says, there are only two ways to stop being a wid: either they come back, or you join them. Neither of those things is happening, barring some tragic accident or dire diagnosis, so-- here I am, in hell. Still. Always.

 

I've been crying again for the past couple days. My heart hurts, and it had gotten pretty quiet lately. There have been a few triggers-- my youngest son's birthday; a trip to a vacation spot we'd visited with Jim the first summer after we got married and hadn't been since; an announcement from my sister about her impending wedding (to a man named James) and the surprise pregnancy that's prompted it. All good things, but still... salt in a wound that's been making a valiant effort to close. I'm staying busy, I have things to do, and not a lot of time to sit and brood, but...

 

I'm lonely. I'm sad. I can pretend all day long that I'm over it, but of course I'm not. I don't want to be this anymore. I'm grateful for every virtual hug I get, but I want a real one. I just want to be normal again. I want to feel safe and secure. I'm sick of trying to keep the panic at bay, at wondering if I'm too old and unattractive and baggage-laden for anyone to ever want to hold me.

 

I don't want to do this anymore. Can't there be some kind of escape hatch, an exit clause, something? Can I turn in my wid card, please? Surely the trial period has ended by now. Can I call and cancel for a full refund? Or even a partial one? At this point I'd take a closed head injury and a case of amnesia. Please. Something. Just... let it be over. Let me wake up.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey JJ, I'm hearing you loud and clear!  Me too.

Hugs

PS: your signature was one of my DH favorite sayings

[Lisa]

Been here! Sounds like growing pains my friend. Sending hugs. I think i will always have a few meltdowns a year. I can accept that because a few is such a relief! It took years to have any identity over widowhood.  You should come here when you want to and not feel badly, hugs

[Trying]

Oh Jen I am sorry you are having such a tough time right now, I know you've been making an effort to reach out and connect in different ways.  Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and one step back.  I will often have conversations with Tim, I still talk to him a lot, when something is going well, because I think he would be surprised or proud at something new I'm doing or he would think I'm crazy and be teasing me about t whi,e supporting what he doesn't understand.  I try not to just talk to him when I'm angry or sad or worried.  I want him to know all that I a grateful for in our past together and in my present now. 

 

As you make these positive steps to broaden your social interactions or challenge yourself in other ways you are going to,start to feel like you are not"just Jen" but "Jen!".  Putting "just" in front of your name reinforces the loneliness as well as diminishes the importance of you. 

 

I'm into positive aspirations, they may seem awkward at first but the drown out the negative self talk and really help. 

 

-You're not "just" Jen

-you are beautiful Jen

-smart Jen

-witty Jen

-loving Jen

-healing Jen

-writer Jen

-friend Jen

That's the message you need to tell yourself, daily.  Take 3 deep breaths to quiet your mind and repeat.  Say it with absolute certainty, head up and shoulders back, with a confident smile on your face. 

 

Yes, you will always be a widow but you can be a widow who thrives despite adversity, a widow who doesn't want to miss an opportunity because you appreciate life.  You are a widow who feels sadness and longing when you visit an old vacation spots but get a warm glow of great memories that you are happy to share with your family. 

 

You get to determine how you define Jen.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds ra ra and I'm not diminishing how you feel, this grief shit is for real! But if I can see your greatness through a computer screen, you need to see it too and believe it.    Try it for 1 week.  Follow every negative thought with 2 positives.  The positives will be hard to find at first but with practice, it will get easier to see them.

 

Don't just ride out this grief wave, start paddling in the direction you want to go!

 

[widowat33]

((Jen)) sorry virtual hugs are all I can offer. And I do get the need for a physical touch, even just a hug. Lately  I've been in bed at night trying so hard to remember how it felt to have him pressed up against me, holding me until I fell asleep. I can't remember that feeling anymore and it breaks my heart.

The part I noticed most is where you mentioned you like the person you are becoming. That is so important and no you may not get a gold star but you do have the satisfaction of actually liking yourself and that is a huge thing.

Perhaps the worst thing about grief is the fact that just when you think things are getting better reality comes crashing back. Really wouldn't it be easier to just be sad all the time, then you wouldn't get these little glimpses of happiness only to have them snatched away. The only thing that I try to remember is that these glimpses will get longer and more frequent as I heal. The sadness and grief will never go away completely, as much as I would like it t, it's a permanent part of my life now, but that doesn't mean that I can't grab on to those happy moments and enjoy life as much as I can.

Jen please don't be too hard on yourself, we all have setbacks from time to time, but I view setbacks as a success because in order to take a step forward and fall back it still means you took that step forward.

I wish you didn't have to be here either, I wish none of us had to, but I am grateful that you found this place for the fact that you always offer empathy and understanding and are a great support to so many of us here.

Wishing you peace

 

Edited to add: trying I didn't see your response before I posted, just noticed the steps forward and back. Great minds think alike,lol.

[lcoxwell]

Right about a month and a half ago, I fell into a deep depression and the agony of losing my Kenneth seemed to be filling my life so much more than it had in a long time. I get that you are tired - tired of being alone, tired of being sad, tired of missing your Jim, tired of being a widow. I have felt much the same way, recently. I wish I had great, wonderful, encouraging words to give you and to lift your spirit, but my head hurts tonight, and I am missing my Kenneth. I couldn't go without responding in some way, though, so I just wanted to pop in and tell you that you are not alone, and that I truly admire all that you are doing to try and build a life for yourself, despite all the pain. Love you, sweet lady! Hang in there.

[Jess]

I cannot even count how many times in the past several months that I have said either out loud or to myself "I am so SICK of being a widow!" Why does everything have to be so hard? When will my mind come back? When will the people that know me not view me as this sad, broken thing that is so fragile she could break down further at any time? I am not that fragile little thing any more, but I am often treated that way.

 

When my thoughts travel down that path, I remind myself what being a widow actually means. It means waking up each day and continuing on living and breathing despite having suffered through one of the most painful and stressful things someone can endure. It means community. This shared experience is so powerful that although many of us may never meet face to face, our shared understanding of the struggle will unite us for a lifetime. It means strength. Although often we can't see our own strength because we are so focused on the struggle or feel so hopeless, it is always there keeping us moving forward. When I remind myself of these things, widowhood seems less unbearable.

 

I wish none of us had to endure the pain of widowhood because I would trade everything not to walk in these shoes, but trade backs are not an option. The more I get to know many in this community, the more I see that we don't deserve this. You do not deserve this, Jen, but you can keep moving forward. Do not lose sight of how far you have come. Sometimes it is hard to see it because we are so focused on how far there is to go, which I think is why I have my own meltdowns sometimes. ((Hugs)) to you, friend.

[SoVerySad]

Yes, I had a mini tirade about this same thing myself the other day. I am SO tired of all of this - tired of being me, but how do I get away from myself even for a little while? I miss being passionate. Of course, I mean missing the intimate connections with T, but also just being passionate about anything. The energy drain leaves me just feeling like I'm existing. I'm formulating plans to find more meaning in my life, however it seems like when I do, grief or related fallout from no longer having T just sucks away my energy and hope. Thank goodness I'm stubborn enough not to just fully give up.

 

Jen, you are an amazing person in so many ways. I know this all sucks and I am genuinely sorry you and everyone here has to experience this hell. Yes, we will always be widows in the aspect that our lives have been shaped by experiencing such a devastating loss. Having been a widow doesn't mean we won't become new things in addition to it in our futures, though. We can find new happiness as others before us have. We just have to survive and keep trying until we get there. It is exhausting and it hurts like hell. It is completely understandable to lose hope at times. I'm glad you shared your feelings with us, so we can try to support you in the same way you have been so supportive to so many of us.

 

Sending you my love and tight hugs...

[Mizpah]

I just wrote something all thought out and proofread and then it disappeared!  Argh! 

 

The unfortunate thing (hahahaha - THE unfortunate thing???) about being a widow is that the only thing we can do about it is to suffer.  I used to say I needed a vacation from myself, from my life.  Eventually, I went on a regular vacation WITH myself, and something changed for me.  It was at about two years out.  The pain does get less acute.  The breakdowns do happen less often.  And no, you are not too old, unattractive, or baggage-laden to have love in your life again!!!!!!  But suffering is our job a widows.  There's no avoiding it.  And it just sucks.  But, from more than four years out, it does get less painful.  Keep taking it as it comes - the good days and the bad days.  I'm thinking of you and cheering you on. 

[Virgo]

1. I have asked friends before if I have a large W on my forehead. It feels that way sometimes. Almost like we stick out. Everyone knows.

 

2. Continue being brave and discovering new things about yourself. You get a gold star from me Jen!

 

3. You friend Michael needs to work more on his delivery. Although what he said is painfully true, it's not helpful and doesn't need to be pointed out to you.

 

4. You are not to old. You're not even middle aged.

 

5. You are beautiful, inside and out.

 

6. What baggage? If you're referring to your children any man that views your children as baggage doesn't deserve you. NEXT!!

 

((hugs)) Jen!

[Jen]

I love you all. I really, really do. :*)

 

Thank you. Thank you. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[canadiangirl]

This is an insanely hard journey at times -I wish we could come up with an alternate ending, as below.  No virtual hugs by request, just understanding.  (apologies language)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jen]

 

As you make these positive steps to broaden your social interactions or challenge yourself in other ways you are going to,start to feel like you are not"just Jen" but "Jen!".  Putting "just" in front of your name reinforces the loneliness as well as diminishes the importance of you. 

 

You are absolutely right.

 

So I changed it.

 

((((((HUGS))))))

[Jen]

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY.

 

Let's all be Legolas!!!!

 

 

[Trying]

So proud of you Jen!!

[BrokenHeart2]

You've got this Jen, just give it time and feel your grief!  You go Jen!

 

[Ursula]

Jen, I hear you too. And great job for getting rid of the 'just',  I always thought of you as Jen without the just anyway.  Such wise people here, I am learning so much from all of you.

I have that feeling too, the wish for amnesia or something alike. I am scared of a future, where this grief thing is hanging around too, menacing to hurt. The fact that we cannot unthink the unthinkable.

I hope you can climb back unto the board to surf the positive wave again !!!!

And hey, I could not come here for a while either, because I just could not face it. Normal.

Always great to read from you.  Superjen!!

Hugs and love

 

[Jen]

(((((((((((®)))))))))))))))

 

So, so happy to see you!! You made me tear up, but it's worth it to have you here with me again. I miss you and think of you every day. We're going to surf this wave right up to the shore, then throw a great big beach party. Maybe with green lollipops.

 

Tons and tons of love!!