Jen Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I'm sad. No reason, no trigger, just... lonely and sad and tired of this stupid life. It's not all that bad-- I've got good things going on, and most of the time when someone asks me how I am, my answer is "Pretty well, actually!" I have plenty to be grateful for, and I do try hard to be mindful of that. I'm fine, really. I'm fine. But... Same old but. No one is looking for me. I'm okay, but I'm tearing up. Why? No clue. No reason. Just the same lousy reality. I'm so tired of grief. I'm tired of feeling alone-- knowing I'm not, not really, but that I still am-- does that make sense? Please don't get me wrong. I have support; I'm loved; I'm so grateful for it. There's any number of people I can go to for reassurance and hugs. It's just that... no one comes looking for me, and I don't guess they ever will. Probably you should disregard this and find a happier thread to visit. There's no reason for this pity party, and I'm the only invitee-- but thank you for letting me whinge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Just popping in to say I'm with you. Massive pity party in my little corner of this crazy universe. Can't seem to shake it these past few days. Where is the "stop" button? Solidarity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Yep. I am in a funk today, too and can't seem to get myself out of it. Sigh. And did I mention BLAH? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 (((((HUGS)))))) ... a few sniffles, sigh... :-\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Yup feeling the same and actually I was thinking the same thing about an hour ago. Here alone and my life still feels shattered. Something has got to change. I know I'm the one that has to change it, damn, I'm just tired of doing everything alone. Hugs to my fellow wids on this dark gloomy Sat night. This too shall pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Peaks and valleys ((hugs)) Jen! I've been a little emotional this weekend too. I've been spending time with a guy friend and it's making miss Phil even more and feel guilty. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 Guy friend: yay. Guilt: boo. :-\ Missing them... sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 I don't know how relevant this is to this thread, but I need to get this out, and I don't want to inflict yet another thread on y'all, so... I miss being somebody's person. I miss being held and kissed and cuddled. I miss random "I love you" texts. I miss annoyed "what do you want for supper" texts. I miss my husband. I miss love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Jen I can completely identify with both of your comments. Wish I had some advice or ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THATgurl Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 It is funny, I was just trying to convey similar thoughts to someone recently. Her response has been so touching - she is going out of her way to send me little messages and random "hellos". I am incredibly honored that she is taking time out of her busy schedule to do this, and yet... Being tacked on to someone's "to do list", no matter how well intentioned and no matter how wonderful, is just not the same. I need to make the changes that will result in the situation I want to be in - no one can do it for me, no matter how hard they might try ??? I totally relate Jen. I miss being someone's person in the worst way. At the same time, I don't particularly want to be someone's person to a NEW person. That may change, it may not. Either way, it leaves me feeling very conflicted and confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Jen, I'm feeling the same way. All my big events are now over ... daughters married ... seems everyone has moved on ... except my heart. I'm now at 2 1/2 years, and I want somebody to hold me, kiss me, talk to me, watch TV with, etc. I'm told I'm attractive for my age, but I've got nobody in my life. I just don't want to put the work into finding someone. I just want God to have somebody knock on my door and tell me that he's my person! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 im feeling it today too. Maybe its the change of seasons? Fall will forever f*** me up I guess. No one is really looking for me either. I have good things too but bad things looming .. the constant fear of what in the world will I do in 2 years when social security is over. How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other if he can't. November will be 2 years. People still say I'm standoffish and introverted. I have NO family relationship anymore. They don't agree with choices I've made but what about that family bond that is supposed to love and be there anyway? Anyway, didn't mean to hijack you. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in those feelings, so they are not unrealistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Sometimes it just happens. Randomly, or for actual reasons we can't figure out. The changing of seasons always makes me nostalgic and melancholy, in general, even before DH's death, especially the end of summer ushering in autumn. I'm thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 feeling this way also Fall is Don's birthday and also 10 days later when he died so this isn't going to be pretty I miss having the most important person in my life and being the most important person in theirs and I so miss the random , almost like a habit, of hearing and saying ,I love you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I don't know how relevant this is to this thread, but I need to get this out, and I don't want to inflict yet another thread on y'all, so... I miss being somebody's person. I miss being held and kissed and cuddled. I miss random "I love you" texts. I miss annoyed "what do you want for supper" texts. I miss my husband. I miss love. Oh Jen... I feel bad and ungrateful for saying so, but I've been feeling this way lately too. I have a new guy, but holy hell have I been missing my Tim and my old life lately. This probably sounds insane, but I miss the way we'd fight. We'd yell and scream like everyone else, but neither of us would ever purposely hurt each others' feelings. We'd get frustrated with each other, to be sure. But there was never any meanness involved and he'd never just clam up and give me the silent treatment under the guise of "giving me my space." NG can have a real mean streak sometimes. And never wants to talk about a damn thing afterwards. In my opinion, he doesn't fight fair....but maybe that's because I got so used to the intellectual and ultimately loving way I'd fight with Tim. I know I shouldn't be comparing. I know I'm hard to be with and I'm sure NG is doing the best he can. He's probably more and better than this messed up person I've become deserves. But holy hell, do I miss being loved the way Tim loved me. I miss being his person so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Vent away - I personally have regular "pity parties" for myself. I just feel so sad sometimes about what has happened to my family, even if I am rebuilding a new life. And I am 3 plus years out. I get what it feels like to not really be alone but to feel alone. Wishing you all the best and sending support.... PS - MrsTim85 - dealing with a non-communicator is TOUGH. I am dealing with this now...sigh..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 Another inexplicably rough day... no reason, just hurting. I manage to keep it together well enough while I'm on the floor (I'm at work), but every time I go into the bathroom, I break down. I cry for two or three minutes, wash my face, and head back out. It's getting old. I'm so tired of this. All of it-- the loneliness, the uncertain future-- hell, what future? Everything is now. As far as I can tell, this is all it will ever be. And I feel like a heel, because, really, what have I got to complain about?? Lots of people are much worse off, so I should knock it off, suck it up, and get over myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twistedmensa Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 And I feel like a heel, because, really, what have I got to complain about?? Lots of people are much worse off, so I should knock it off, suck it up, and get over myself. I feel like this, too. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, car in the driveway...who am I to whine? Yet I whine away just the same. I don't really have any words of wisdom, but know that you aren't the only one feeling like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingMyJon Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Jen, I feel like this too, wondering why am I bothering getting up every day. What is the point of it? If it wasn't for my kids, I think I would never get out of bed. I am not happy. I struggle to cope with this new life, and longing for Jon to come home so this emptiness would end. And although I keep it together pretty well during most days, at night I cry at the drop of a hat. I have even cried watching Bizarre Foods. I wish there was something I could say to help you along, but I don't have any. Just sending you hugs, and hoping tomorrow will be a bit brighter and less teary than today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 I swear, my serotonin must drop like a rock every day at 3 pm. I get so sad and lonely and pathetic... I need to stay the hell away from my phone, to keep me from sending pitiful "notice me hug me love me" texts to anyone. I love Bizarre Foods, but I started crushing on Andrew, so I quit watching it, lol. Sigh. ((((((HUGS))))))) and thank you for listening to me. I feel like such a loser these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viva Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Jen, I am feeling the same lately as well. It has been one year and 8 months for me and everyone feels I am doing ok. I am also loved, supported by a lot of people and I am grateful for that. However I miss the days we were together, being hugged, kissed by my DH. I still miss him every single day and even more lately. I do understand how that feels.... (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Today is 18 months. I said I was going to stop counting, and mostly I have, but this day has loomed large for a while. Yesterday was bad-- I kept thinking back to where I was on that last day-- who I was, an ignorant, happy woman with no clue that the world was going to end 24 hours later. I'm okay... I am, but it's going to be a tearful day, I'm afraid. I think I'm the only one who remembers... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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