Dark Rose Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 this is my first post... I haven't been doing well. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I don't seem to know how to react, all of this feels so surreal. I feel like a zombie, detached and not within my self. Don't recognize my self anymore.... I lost my husband very suddenly and the fog has been controlling me. I haven't been functioning and I don't know how to address what has happened. I look for ways to run from my situation, and just believe that if I am not thinking, that I will wake up and this will be gone.I try and pretend nothing is wrong, because even in the moments I start to sit and think about what has happened, I start to shake. I don't have support, and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I am feeling constantly panic and unease.... and there is a pain in my chest that I don't know how much longer I can avoid. I don't know what to do, but I just don't want to do this. I want to sleep forever and never wake up again..... this is far too hard, and I don't understand.... I just don't understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 First I just want to say I wish you didn't have to join us here, but I'm glad you found us. There is nothing wrong with you, it is surreal. At over a year out it can still sometimes be surreal for me. My husband died in an accident, so I remember how the shock just kept me numb and every so often clarity would seep in and I would just want to shut it out. I didn't want to face the fact that it had happened, I still don't to be honest, but it is getting easier. I'm sorry that you don't have any support but I can assure you that you will find that here. It is very hard to understand why this happens and it's truly so unfair. Sending you big hugs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THATgurl Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Hey I just want to say I HEAR YOU. I am a survivor of suicide, so that part is not applicable to everyone. However, I think all of us who have a sudden loss can relate to what you are saying. It CAN NOT BE, right? Yet it is. You sound sane and normal to me. The situation is not normal, but you are. I hope all the best for you. For many of us, leaning on each other is a huge part of the healing process. If you find it useful, I hope to hear from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Hi DarkRose, just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss that brought you here. I did not experience sudden loss but although the end was expected, it was traumatizing as things did not go as one would wish for one's love. You are in shock, grieving, you might be feeling traumatized and it is normal to feel the way you are feeling. It is also mentally exhausting! They always say here take deep breaths, drink plenty of water -do this. Under the circumstances, seeking medical attention might be a strong first step. Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Sending you tight hugs, darkrose. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. There is nothing wrong with you. You have just experienced a tremendous, shocking loss and your world has been turned upside down without warning. What you are feeling are, sadly, very normal responses. It is all very surreal and it is too overwhelming to think about for any length of time. The physical pain of grief, especially resulting from anxiety and panic, can be so deep. So. please don't feel that you aren't responding in a normal way as there is nothing normal about this experience. I'm sorry you don't have much support. I haven't had much IRL either, so I know how lonely and scared that can leave you feeling. I have been so fortunate to find a lot of support from the members of this community and its predecessor - truly life-saving support. I hope you will find that same level of care and support here as well. It can be more of a comfort than you can imagine to find people who understand the depths of the pain of losing your spouse, because they've endured it as well. We'll be here for you. Adding more hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Dark Rose, I'm so sorry you had to join us here. I understand the anxiety and panic and chest pain. I understand not wanting to have to keep living like this. I needed to see my doctor and get professional help with panic and anxiety. Don't feel as if your reactions are abnormal...because they are not abnormal. Some of the best advice right now is to keep drinking water to avoid dehydration, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and remember to breathe....big deep breaths help for than we realize. And...keep coming here and reading and venting and gleaning anything from all of these people who have also been in your shoes. Hugs, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keeptrying Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Dark Rose, your post, I could have wrote myself. How do you put into words - feelings, feelings that there are no words for, despair, unimaginable pain, they don't even come a bit CLOSE to how it feels. There is no such thing as time, everything runs into each other, day by day, you will look back in two months, and it will either feel like it has been 2 months or two days, and probably not remember anything that happened in that time. Some times, my head feels like a jackhammer inside, can't seem to concentrate, or I can't stop thinking. Panic, question now what. How did this happen? Guilt. If I just.. no matter how your spouse died, if you just had that ONE magic thing you said or did, maybe they would be a live today. How do I go on, where do I start? Pain, wow, gut wrenching bring you to your knees I can't breathe I want to die NOW pain. Support, I don't know what that is like, no one gets it, any one who does say something, it is usually stupid and never makes you feel any better, the majority of the time worse actually. These are just a few things.. We get it here, and I feel completely awful for you, because no one wants to feel this way, or even know that there could be anyone else on the planet that is going through this. When you start to think you are going crazy, or no one gets it.. or now what.. come to the boards and read, message others. We all are in different stages and we can all be a great support to you, This is the only support that I have had, and I am SO thankful for it. I wish I could tell you something that could make you feel better.. but just know there is a lot of support on here! Take it day by day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I also lost the love of my life,don , suddenly one minute we are having a conversation the next he's gone I am still in shock and when I sit down and really try to take in that he won't be coming back I have to stop myself because it's impossible to imagine so I can understand a little how you feel I do have support from family and friends but it can never compare to what we have here Its hard to say out loud sometimes how we feel , the dark thoughts and fears that we have but here you can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I'm also in the sudden death camp. I kissed my husband goodnight, went upstairs, got ready for bed, then heard weird noises. When I ran downstairs to investigate he was experiencing a seizure (he'd never had one before) and I called 911. They had me follow and not ride with him. Later I would find out he went into cardiac arrest on the ambulance and they couldn't being him back. In an instant, life as I knew it was over and my life was terrifying. I was so scared every second of every waking moment, which I had far too many of in those days. It is weird to live in the fog, so very surreal. For me, the fog lasted several months. When it lifted and the pain really, really started coming in, it was hard. I spent a lot of time typing to the people in this community and had regular therapy sessions (once a week in those days). Now, I am around 14 months and I am functioning and even have really happy days. My grief has not left and honestly, it never will, but I have gotten better at living with it and around it. For now, try to take care of your basic needs. You can do this. Although we are not there in person to help, you are not alone in this. We understand and we are rooting for you. I am wishing you peace and comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 ... I lost my husband very suddenly and the fog has been controlling me. I haven't been functioning and I don't know how to address what has happened. I look for ways to run from my situation, and just believe that if I am not thinking, that I will wake up and this will be gone.I try and pretend nothing is wrong, because even in the moments I start to sit and think about what has happened, I start to shake. I don't have support, and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I am feeling constantly panic and unease.... and there is a pain in my chest that I don't know how much longer I can avoid. I don't know what to do, but I just don't want to do this. I want to sleep forever and never wake up again..... this is far too hard, and I don't understand.... I just don't understand. Oh, hon. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) I could have written the very same words. The panic, the pain in my chest, feeling so terribly lost and alone... I know it's too hard. It is too, too hard, and it is so freaking unfair. BUT-- you're not alone. I promise. That's not great news, I realize, but it's true. I am so very sorry you had to look for our little corner of the world, but deeply grateful that you found us. Right now, just breathe. Get from one breath to the next... one heartbeat to the next. You can do it. And you don't ever, ever have to do it by yourself. more hugs, Jen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Rose Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 First I just want to say I wish you didn't have to join us here, but I'm glad you found us. There is nothing wrong with you, it is surreal. At over a year out it can still sometimes be surreal for me. My husband died in an accident, so I remember how the shock just kept me numb and every so often clarity would seep in and I would just want to shut it out. I didn't want to face the fact that it had happened, I still don't to be honest, but it is getting easier. I'm sorry that you don't have any support but I can assure you that you will find that here. It is very hard to understand why this happens and it's truly so unfair. Sending you big hugs! thank you for your kind words that is how i'm feeling numb mostly and in a fog, and when it does seem to sit in, I panic and try to run again. This is so exhausting..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Rose Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Hi DarkRose, just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss that brought you here. I did not experience sudden loss but although the end was expected, it was traumatizing as things did not go as one would wish for one's love. You are in shock, grieving, you might be feeling traumatized and it is normal to feel the way you are feeling. It is also mentally exhausting! They always say here take deep breaths, drink plenty of water -do this. Under the circumstances, seeking medical attention might be a strong first step. Thinking of you. I am feeling all of these things, extremely scared and unable to address what seems to have happened. It seems easier to pretend... thank you for your kind words... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Rose Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Sending you tight hugs, darkrose. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. There is nothing wrong with you. You have just experienced a tremendous, shocking loss and your world has been turned upside down without warning. What you are feeling are, sadly, very normal responses. It is all very surreal and it is too overwhelming to think about for any length of time. The physical pain of grief, especially resulting from anxiety and panic, can be so deep. So. please don't feel that you aren't responding in a normal way as there is nothing normal about this experience. I'm sorry you don't have much support. I haven't had much IRL either, so I know how lonely and scared that can leave you feeling. I have been so fortunate to find a lot of support from the members of this community and its predecessor - truly life-saving support. I hope you will find that same level of care and support here as well. It can be more of a comfort than you can imagine to find people who understand the depths of the pain of losing your spouse, because they've endured it as well. We'll be here for you. Adding more hugs... thank you! It feels better to know that there are people that understand. I appreciate the hugs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THATgurl Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I am really glad to hear you are talking to someone. We all process things differently. For many of us, there is a long period of extreme distress. Please do lean on people here if you find it helpful. Under the "best of circumstances" this is a form of hell. We are not all in "the best of circumstances". Thinking about you and wishing you all the best. I have walked a similar road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Rose Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 I also lost the love of my life,don , suddenly one minute we are having a conversation the next he's gone I am still in shock and when I sit down and really try to take in that he won't be coming back I have to stop myself because it's impossible to imagine so I can understand a little how you feel I do have support from family and friends but it can never compare to what we have here Its hard to say out loud sometimes how we feel , the dark thoughts and fears that we have but here you can that sounds like me... still feeling the shock, and feeling the need to stop myself whenever I have to imagine that my love is far away now. I am glad that there is online support. It helps when someone is using words that I could have said myself.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Rose Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 I'm also in the sudden death camp. I kissed my husband goodnight, went upstairs, got ready for bed, then heard weird noises. When I ran downstairs to investigate he was experiencing a seizure (he'd never had one before) and I called 911. They had me follow and not ride with him. Later I would find out he went into cardiac arrest on the ambulance and they couldn't being him back. In an instant, life as I knew it was over and my life was terrifying. I was so scared every second of every waking moment, which I had far too many of in those days. It is weird to live in the fog, so very surreal. For me, the fog lasted several months. When it lifted and the pain really, really started coming in, it was hard. I spent a lot of time typing to the people in this community and had regular therapy sessions (once a week in those days). Now, I am around 14 months and I am functioning and even have really happy days. My grief has not left and honestly, it never will, but I have gotten better at living with it and around it. For now, try to take care of your basic needs. You can do this. Although we are not there in person to help, you are not alone in this. We understand and we are rooting for you. I am wishing you peace and comfort. The fog is really difficult to live in, and this shock just makes everything very dream like. Nothing is making sense, and I worry for when it will. It is encouraging that you are now at a better place. Thank you for listening. I will come back and write on this forum when I need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 You feel crazy but your reaction sounds totally normal to me. It's the situation that is crazy and not normal. Sudden death here too, and even though I wasn't in denial, every time I "remembered" (I don't even know what I mean by that, because I was saturated in it at every second), I would get a jolt of nausea and shaking and internal panic. I don't know how far out you are, but the feelings and behavior you describe sound totally understandable. You don't know how to function, but the ability will return gradually over time. My best advice is not to allow yourself to live in denial, you will stunt your healing - but this is only my opinion, and I'm sure there are some who avoided thinking until they were less raw and stronger to be able to face it. I'm so sorry for this nightmarish reality you've been thrown into. You are, unfortunately, in good company - brave, resilient people who have suffered the unbearable and have so much compassion and love for you and who are here for you, to walk next to you and ahead of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevesbabyness Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Oh, DarkRose... Sending you the biggest of hugs. My husband died in an accident, too, and I can understand and recall the anxiety, the shortness of breath, the pain of even being awake and the fear to not be. The forum was the most supportive, helpful, kind environment I had to get me through those darkest of days. Spend as much time as is helpful here; there's always someone who understands and who hears you. Do whatever you need to do to survive. I can even remember lovingly touching Steve's shoes when I fell down on the floor in utter distress one dark afternoon. It may have sounded odd to some (non wid) people, but I know everyone here could understand. Consider this the support you may not feel you have elsewhere. As Maureen rightly points out, drink water, keep breathing, sleep when you can. The fog will life. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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