Guest Lost35 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 This has been on my mind a lot lately, as seven years approaches. I'm posting here instead of, "Beyond Active Grieving" because some of us aren't there yet... Does it seem like time stopped for you when all of this happened? I was thirty-five. Now that I'm forty-two, I have a very hard time realising I'm not thirty-six. We visit the bench every year and leave flowers. Last year, the plaque looked, "old". I stood there in complete shock. It didn't compute. The bench has already be re-finished once... Today (and likely what prompted this post), I ran into a mutual friend of ours I haven't seen since the service. I didn't recognize him and wouldn't, except that he stopped me to say hello. He always looked really young, but is grey now. People I knew then look so much older and I have a hard time making sense of this. I KNOW time has passed. But it doesn't feel like much time has. I feel a bit out-of-step with obvious reality. Does anyone else relate? Did time stop? Do you think this mindset impacts healing? I would like to hear opinions... Take care, -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladybug Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Yes, I understand what you are talking about. The neighbor's kids are all grown up now and off to college. It has been a long seven years I often say where did the time go, I understand every word you wrote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJF Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I get it too. It's almost five years and sometimes I have to stop and think if specific things happened before or after his death. It really hit me when I realized I have had 5 birthdays without him. I am not sure this impacts healing, but is probably just another weird thing we have to deal with on this journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I call it lost years. I feel like I'm living again, but I definitely feel like I lost two or three years of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I felt that way more just after LH died b/c he was sick a long time and much of my life simply became care-taking and I personally felt always in a holding pattern. But at nearly ten years out, the life I had prior to his illness is like watching a movie or reading a book that I vaguely recall unless I really try, which of course, I don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonnaP Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I think you are right--the time-space continuum is altered after a loss. That is why people describe their grief by saying: "seems like just yesterday, and at the same time, seems like forever." There is also some truth to the fact that our lives (as we knew them) cease, at the time of a spouse's death. D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marjoe Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Seven plus years for me, and I know exactly what you're saying, Lost. There's a part of me, in my heart, where time has just frozen in 2008. Oh, G-d, how to explain. It's like - I look back at the Marsha pre death, and like Anniegirl said, it's like I was another person. And I'm so different now, and I'm still coming to grips with that at times. Because different can be hard. And I miss Joe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndysWife Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Yep yep yep. I think of myself as still in my thirties but I'm 43. My peers are aging. Our 4 older kids are all adults now. I feel like I've been asleep because it's all gone by so quickly and yet it hasn't. My 5 wk old baby is now 4 and a half and I barely remember any of his first years. Thank God I have a bazillion photos of him. It's almost as if I've been in slow motion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Euf Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 YES!! This makes so much sense to me. For years it seemed as if he had just died yesterday. Eventually time started passing again but I felt so disoriented. Years had passed that I had missed. Life seemed to have moved on but I wasn?t aware of it until years later. And I still have no idea how I have gotten this old! It?s as if a large piece of my life was removed and I?ve woken up somewhere unfamiliar. Do you think this mindset impacts healing? In my case, I think ?no?. Or at least it didn?t impact me in a negative way. I needed that time to heal. Even though I lost a lot of years, I used that lost time to become who I now am. I couldn?t live in the ?real world? until I was ready to do it. I feel a bit out-of-step with obvious reality. Me too. But I made a conscious decision to allow myself whatever time it took. In my case, it took a long time. I am not happy that so much of my life (after Jim) was lost. But there didn?t seem to be any other option and I think I will always be a little out of step with the real world. I?m OK with that but it is disorienting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I'm glad to hear from all of you on this. Your words make sense of something that is otherwise nonsensical. I feel sometimes that I've woken from a coma and I'm looking around like I've suddenly been transported somewhere...and I think, "How the heck did I get HERE?". Perhaps that is the little bit of my old self still remaining, peeking in from time to time on life as it is now. I don't imagine many people other than you here would have any minute amount of comprehension of any of this! Take care, Everyone. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Yep Our son just said that same thing to me yesterday. Ten years but it seems like yesterday to us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Five years for me in what seems like a few minutes. I am aware of the time in a way since I have tall girls in high school now, but yes, in another sense it seems like Michelle was here so recently. The time feels very odd and non-linearly now, it very much "Depends" now. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Losttogether Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I get it Lost. Totally. This year has been particularly tough. I feel like it is 'lost time' too. I often feel now that I just exist. I don't really live. My daughter was 3 and my son 4 when he got sick. Now they are 7 and 9. They've reached that point where more of their lives falls into the 'after illness' than before. It just seems wrong. And sad. And it just gets worse each year. I know I've aged a lot in the past 3 years. It all just sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Yes. When I think back to that summer - I realize my child was, well, a child. She's nearly 17 and it feels like yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Over 6 years and time still doesnt make sense. It is unnerving Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Over 6 years and time still doesnt make sense. It is unnerving Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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