OT (but relevant) - Article- Our obsession with happiness making us miserable

[canadiangirl]

http://news.nationalpost.com/life/refute-of-happiness-how-our-obsession-with-positivity-is-making-us-miserable-and-insufferable

 

This is a long article discussing a new book called "F-  Feelings" which appears to be an anti-self help book of sorts yet still falls within the genre (haven't read it, and no time). Basically, the book and article in general argue that the North American focus on happiness above all else is making us "miserable and insufferable."  The article references Barbara Ehrenreich's book "Bright-Sided" (2009) which is excellent reading and has influenced my thinking.

 

The relevance here is that I find that the societal focus on positivity, thinking positive, "happiness" as a panacea makes it even harder for a widow/er to manage.  I think it contributes to widow(er)s being seen as downers by default and treated (sometimes) as pariahs, outsiders.  I think it puts more pressure on widow(er)s to conform and pretend that all is good and in turn I think this denial and suppression of natural grief and anger in turn can lead to depression and/or secret torment, a lack of connection to others that affects mental health.  I see the utility of positive thinking but I have also seen it cause harm and guilt in my loved one, when people/books/articles implied he could positive-think his critical illness away. As the article suggests, I suspect that grief and anger can also play a positive role in our lives if they are given the space and seen as "normal", emotions to accept, adapt to and work with, instead of against. 

 

I would be very interested to know what others think about this -dissenting opinions welcome and expected- and I am curious to know whether those outside of the US and Canada feel this same societal pressure to be happy at all costs and at all times and the impact of this.  (I am only curious, I am not writing a thesis on this or anything!  )

 

 

[widowat33]

Good article.

There is a lot of pressure to be "happy" or think positively, especially on widows/widowers. I know personally I have been told many times "it could've been worse" or other well meaning but entirely unhelpful statements used by people to cheer me up, or look at the bright side. Unfortunately there is no bright side to losing a spouse, none whatsoever. I think it's ingrained in our very being to have a desire to make others happy, we just don't want to see their raw emotions of anger, sadness, etc.. I think this is where these statements come from. It's hard to see people sad or hurting. I know I would rather spend time with someone who is upbeat and laughing all the time than someone who is sad and crying, which is such a terrible thing to admit. That person who is sad actually deserves more of my time and probably needs someone to be there way more than the happy person.

In counselling we are taught motivational counselling, trying to build on strengths. A great concept for sure, but how helpful can it really be to suppress or ignore those "other" feelings, the "bad" ones. I love in the article how they wrote about the movie Inside Out. I had taken my sons to watch it in the theatre, and it was one of those moments where you realize that not only are you being entertained, but you are learning something too. Regardless of how everyone around us want us to be happy, it's ok to not be happy all the time. We have to feel all of our emotions, not suppress them. I struggle with this. I consider myself a positive person and that's a great thing most of the time, but when I can't find the positive thing in a situation I feel guilty or like there's something wrong with me that I can't be appreciative for all I have instead of thinking about all I've lost.

Facebook, the land of fake smiles and perfect lives,lol. I also like how the article mentioned Facebook, as there at times seems to be a competition on there as to who has the most perfect life. Or just another place to air out all their dirty laundry. One extreme to the other, but the same concept...attention seeking. I'm sure we all have those friends on there that are constantly posting about their perfect children or perfect spouse. On the other side of that we have those friends who think it's important to be dramatic in every single post, to be always fighting with someone openly, etc...

Thank you for sharing that very thought provoking article!

[BrokenHeart2]

I will admit I haven't read the article but do get that the North American culture thrives on happiness and if you're sad/ angry then you're not good to be around. I remember early out in widowhood someone who I thought 'got me' told me I need to be happy in my life' really! I just wanted to tell her to F off but I refrained. I still am shuprised I didn't but I let it go. What the heck is wrong with showing emotion other than happy. Isn't that why God gave us so many emotions?

[Joey]

Excellent article canadiangirl, thank you for sharing.

 

I must confess, I have a kindle full of self-help-happy books that I have leaned on quite a bit since being widowed. In the early months, when I was really on-fire, it was hard to imagine comfort, let alone happiness. I grasped for anything that promised a new-improved-happy-laughing "me" by the end of the book. So this article really struck a chord in me; And I'm certain i would enjoy their book.

 

Admittedly, this part made me laugh:

In the meantime, the Bennetts offer easily digestible suggestions on managing negative states or emotions, among them: ?Act decently in spite of the way you really feel.? Get to know your inner asshole so as to reduce the likelihood it becomes outer.?

 

Once again, great share... Thank you!

[Mizpah]

I'm very much in the "F positivity!" camp.  I'm very into honesty and emotional honesty.  I will say this, though - in the past few years I've faced two very distinct kinds of challenges: widowhood (obviously!) and being in a difficult relationship. 

 

I think positivity in a situation in which you do not have control or the power to change it (widowhood, obviously) is not for me (I was going to say idiotic, but I actually admire people who face things with aplomb - it's just really really not me at all and wouldn't benefit me because it would be so counter to who I am).  Really, I think healing requires (for me at least) facing despair, and NOT in forcing myself to be "strong" or "graceful" - I think I ended up stronger and more graceful because I let myself delve deep into the dark despair. 

 

But in the context of a situation in which you DO have an active role to play, in which your outlook CAN change things for the better, I think positivity may be a good approach.  And I say this because I haven't been that way for much of my difficult relationship, and when I *am* positive, it makes things SOOO much better. 

[Captains wife]

Thanks for posting this - I have been on a personal happiness project recently (I've been pretty moody my whole life, and being a widow hasn't helped) but this put certain things into perspective and gave me some ideas of how to think of "the happiness project" differently.

 

 

[Guest Munsen]

Good article. I read Barbara Ehrenreich?s  "Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America", a few years ago and I really agreed with what she said. I agree even more since I've become widowed.

 

I have had so many of those positive types tell me to think positive thoughts early in my grief that I started getting rather sharp with many of them. It is hard enough grieving without someone telling you to look for the silver lining. Sadly, I have so many friends who've read junk like "The Secret" and think if they think happy thoughts, nothing bad will happen to them. So, by extension, I mustn't have been positive enough or hubby wouldn't have died. Argh...

 

I'm sure you can all relate to how difficult it can be to not blurt out something like  "Morons!!!"   to some people's faces.

 

Seriously, I do try to keep my 'inner a**hole" muzzled most of the time but sometimes my inner narrative raises its head.    lol

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Happiness is finding out what one loves to do in life. And maybe even make a good living doing it.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Edited

[canadiangirl]

Munsen, thanks for weighing in, so glad someone else has read Ehrenreich's book, such a great read.  Even since I posted that article, new studies on the effects of positive thinking have come out (pro positive thinking if I recall correctly).  I feel like it's kind of like (insert any other organic thing here) and cancer-  we get told too much of it causes cancer, or not enough of it causes cancer or...you get the picture. 

 

Although people are well-intentioned I am sure, the "think positive thoughts" advice to the grieving sometimes feels patronizing to me, especially when it feels a little too much like "buck up". 

 

TTA, I would have loved to read what you said.  I am very interested in other peoples' take on/experience with this.

 

[Freelancing]

Wow, a wonderful article indeed.

 

"But every emotion has an adaptive advantage, and to reject that is to tune out useful information".

 

I love that sentence, in my opinion, it truly relates to grief. People always seem to be on the hunt for an unrealistic quick fix for grief/happiness antedate by adding more to their already full plate. Fact is, grief work has to be done if one wants closure. Certainly, it can be stuffed, compartmentalized, denied, ignored, tuned out, what have you, but it doesn't it go away or resolve on its own. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to come a person with chip on their shoulder ? What it comes down to is developing and listening to ones own intuition/gut. For every emotion I struggled with, I found its meaning as well as automatically changed how I do things. Going through the motions of grief enabled me to have a greater understanding of life and of myself. I'm much wiser and knowledgeable than I was prior to DH's death. My grief journey prepared me for a new life, one easier to navigate. That, of course, is not to say I enjoyed grief or would ever want to do it again. It only means I understand its purpose with greater meaning as well as its value.

 

Positive thinking is valuable, however, as the article states, "When we are happy, we are very superficial in our thinking".

Ain't that the truth! Brings to mind all those DGIs who for some reason think what they're saying makes any sense or is in any way helpful or uplifting. What happened to using plain old common sense? Yeah, I got the house, money, kids, dog and a broken heart all at once! All of it mine, mine, mine! Eeeesh!

 

We are are not meant to be happy 24/7, there is very little to learn from it. besides, if you can't be happy or resolve your own problems, who is going to do it for you?

 

As they say "there is a reason for everything", but you have to do the grief work to find your own answers.

 

 

[AndysWife]

Happiness is but one colour on the rainbow of emotions..

[MauiMermaid]

Really enjoyed this. Interesting about the reference to social media. I've all but abandoned it and it has been a good thing.

[canadiangirl]

Update:  Barbara Ehrenreich (author referred to by Munsen and myself above who wrote the 2009 book "Bright-Sided" which takes on the positive thinking industry) has weighed in on "gratitude" in this NYTs article "The Selfish Side of Gratitude".  If you are feeling snarky it is an interesting short read.  http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/03/opinion/sunday/the-selfish-side-of-gratitude.html?_r=1