long-term widowhood effect: professional disinterest

[MrsT85]

It'll be three years for me in April.  And I'm not only suffering from professional disinterest, I'm suffering from just a general and overwhelming disinterest that blankets pretty much my whole life.  I've never given many shits about my job (I do finance stuff at an insurance company) but I felt like my life was still significant because of him.  He was going to be a teacher - such an important job.  Something that really matters.  The thing that I was going to do with my life that mattered was help support him and make a life with him and help him be the best teacher possible.  There was a future to work towards so I was happy to go to work each day and do something that I didn't care about because it was contributing to a shared and significant future. 

 

Now.  I don't know.  I'm largely dead inside.  Professionally things are going better than they ever did when Tim was alive.  I was just promoted and as part of it was sent to India for two weeks at the beginning of November to train the new team I'm supposed to be "supervising."  I should be excited and optimistic.  But I'm not.  Even my passion for my old hobbies and interests - music in particular, which really makes me hate myself sometimes - has by and large evaporated.  I spend most of my time tired and convinced that things will never really be good for me again.  I'm only 30, but I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm just trying to run out the clock too.

 

Maybe that's another long-term effect of widowhood?  Chronic and intense pessimism?  I was always a pretty strong pessimist to begin with, but being widowed at 27 really carved it into my soul...

 

 

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Mrs. T

 

Do you have any idea of what you would be feeling, if you didn't feel largely dead inside?

[MauiMermaid]

 

Now.  I don't know.  I'm largely dead inside.  Even my passion for my old hobbies and interests - music in particular, which really makes me hate myself sometimes - has by and large evaporated.  I spend most of my time tired and convinced that things will never really be good for me again. 

 

^^^ This, completely. Understand every word. Music was big for both of us but just so, so important to him. New bands, playlists, tracks sent to me every single day. His face would light up when it came to his biggest passion. Now, I don't listen to anything new and music is a bittersweet reminder of the genuine happiness I used to feel. I've long forgotten what that true peace/happiness feels like. (((Hugs MrsTim)))

[hachi]

Four years ago I accepted a position after being laid off when my company relocated. This was after a summer of unemployment, freaked out that my husband, who had undergone chemo and radiation would need medical care and my cobra benefits would run out. 8 months later, he passed away. My current boss has been wonderful to me in all this time. The company is pretty solid, and the benefits are great. One more year and I would pick up another vacation week. The only down side to this is that I absolutely hate my job. I find it completely and utterly unfulfilling. Most days, I spend at least 8 hours wishing I were anywhere else.

 

I know that I am very fortunate to have a decent paying job, good working conditions and the respect of my boss. What more could I want, right? Well, my old boss reached out to me and I have been contemplating going back to work for him. In fact, I have an interview this afternoon, to meet his team. I feel terribly conflicted and don't know what I want. On the one hand, I want a new challenge, and to look forward to my workday. On the other hand, I will have to work a lot harder, and travel further. It is a crappy commute, and probably about 30 - 40% travel. Will I make more money? Maybe. Benefits should be comparable. Health insurance might not be as good.

 

The reality is that in my present job, if my boss goes, I go. Is he likely to go? Big unknown. He has been here for decades, so it is unlikely. But having been through acquisitions and becoming a publicly traded company before, well, anything is possible.

 

I am so tired of the professional disinterest, but am wondering if I am being foolish at this stage. Should I just suck it up and coast for a few more years? I don't know. At any rate, I will do my best this afternoon and see what we have to offer each other and take it from there. I hope I will find some answers.

[Trying]

It's a big decision Hachi with so much to consider.  We spend the majority of our time at work so a big part of me thinks we should get some satisfaction and enjoyment from it. Then there is the practical side of me that needs stability.  I'm making a switch for more satisfaction and less stability but I have the safety net of knowing I can always return to my old profession not its not really a huge long term risk.

Good luck with your interview and your decision!

[ieh21]

I was promoted when I came back to work after Joe's death. I was horrified. I didnt want to do it, I wanted to coast. I dont think I do as good a job as I would have had. I lost part of my self-assurance and drive. I have to be a leader and have strategic thoughts but I've become all about operations and solving logistical difficulties because my life with two children is like that on a personal level and has morphed into that overall. But bottom line, I have reached the top rung and do not feel the satisfaction I would have felt five years ago.

[hachi]

Second interview tomorrow and I am as conflicted as ever. This morning I was convinced I need to do this. Then I got to the office, and changed my mind. Ugghhhh

 

 

[MamaZ]

I've been feeling rotten for YEARS (cancer took D in '06), and never thought to come to these boards with it. My day to day job takes much more time than any boss realizes. It's chaotic and I do a great job of always delivering high quality and on time. To get promoted requires more though, and I cannot. I am raising two kids completely alone and really am glad to make it to 5PM, intact. I might as well keep working until the youngest gets through college, but my heart is not in this rat race. I also need the medical.

 

I am sorry so many of us have to have learned new values through death, but am glad to (finally) find out that I am neither alone, nor horrible for not being super career driven.

 

My empty nest, empty home future is starting to take on form. I would like to work for myself, possibly selling folk art. I am not sure I could even get any to sell. I am thinking to perhaps try it on the side when my youngest heads to college and see. If I can make some living that way, it could follow me (internet sales, etc) if/when I retire from this crazy corporate life. Meanwhile, I need my current salary to get the kids through school.

[hikermom]

In some ways I feel like the odd person out in this conversation. Of all of my life, my work is the one where I feel most myself. That wasn't always true following my husband's death. I left the job I was in when he died because I needed full-time work to support my daughter and myself and that was part-time. Loved the work but had been ready for a change for awhile. The job I took immediately after that - disaster! Funny thing was that I think I needed it at the time. It gave me flexibility for my daughter because I worked from home. I had space to do what I needed to for me, my daughter, the house, etc. But it was a highly dysfunctional work environment with the Board I reported to - in that instance, I suffered from a severe case of don't-give-a-fuck-itis. I had zero patience for the politics and pettiness of some of the people. I suffered through for 16 months and then landed where I am now.

 

The difference now? I love where I work - great people, great work, important work. I'm appreciated and respected. I get tremendous fulfillment from my job and knowing that I can support my daughter and me. I don't have a lot of energy left at the end of the day but still manage to run DD around to sports, dances, lessons, etc. Honestly, if I didn't have this job I cannot imagine what I would be like.

 

I think I needed that horrible job to help me truly appreciate the one I'm in now. I have limited patience for drama in the workplace but in many ways I think that helps me. I'm more likely to laugh stupid shit off rather than give it a ton of time. As a leader in the organization, I think that helps my staff move on more quickly. I consistently get great reviews from my supervisor and incredibly positive feedback on my 360 reviews. This is one area I consistently have joy. Damn good thing because I run on empty the rest of the time.

 

I only wish my husband were here to see this - I know he'd be proud and happy for me. He'd say "I told you so" - having always been my biggest cheerleader.

 

However, I feel like a major failure in the most important job in my life - as a mother. I love my daughter, I work hard to be a decent mom but I still struggle to find joy - is it because she is a tween on the verge of adolescence and we'd have been having a hard time anyway? Perhaps. But I hate that I often would rather be at work. That is something I've never admitted to anyone, barely even myself.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

The way you feel about all the aspects of your career is fantastic and definitely enviable - to get paid for something you love and are brilliant at is one of life's ultimate experiences, I think. I can only relate insofar as I feel exactly the same way about things over which I gain mastery, and when I look back at the span of years, I can see that I have a lot to show for what I've learned and a lot more to come. Still believe I can do what you do and get paid - like I mean for being a mentor for fitness via the body mind method, but haven't pulled it out of my hat yet. Sometimes I feel ready to give up, but now I'm way too close to give up, without deserving eternal ridicule by all heaven's angels and hell's minions.

 

I think, with your daughter, it may be six of one and half dozen of the other. It's part needing her space to grow out of childhood and into her worldly identity. And the teenage years can also be when mother daughter resentments also emerge and I think that would definitely be compounded by grief on both your parts.

 

In some respects you may have caught a break. Now is not the time she wants to be smothered anyway in all likelihood. But at the same time it  might be important to keep checking in with her, if you're not already. Monitor the status quo.

 

Is it possible to have mother daughter get-togethers on a regular basis? Touch base a few times a week at a coffee shop, or one of her favorite hang outs just to keep a finger on the pulse.

 

Again, I'm not a mother, and am grateful I don't have to deal with this kind of angst. Good luck.

[hachi]

However, I feel like a major failure in the most important job in my life - as a mother. I love my daughter, I work hard to be a decent mom but I still struggle to find joy - is it because she is a tween on the verge of adolescence and we'd have been having a hard time anyway? Perhaps. But I hate that I often would rather be at work. That is something I've never admitted to anyone, barely even myself.

 

Hikermom,

 

You are in no way a failure as a mother. My children never gave me one single ounce of angst until the day they became teenagers. I spent 2 years praying forgiveness from God for wishing I had never had them. The good news is, it isn't permanent. You will not always feel that way. I guess they go through this so we will eventually let them leave the nest! The bad news is, it takes time. My daughter started into the woods at fourteen. Didn't make it fully out until about 19.

 

In other good news, my professional disinterest may be at an end. I have decided to take the position with my old boss and they want me to start on Jan 4. I am just dreading giving notice. My current boss has been out of the office so today is the day. I feel a little bit disloyal, but not like I did last week. I know this is the right choice for me. Wish me luck. If I cry, I will be disgusted with myself...

[Trying]

Hachi, congratulations on the new job and good luck with your resignation!

 

Hikermom, you are in no way a failure as a mom.  Raising kids is hard and not always a joyful experience.  They test us, they try our patience, they make us question ourselves.  The good parents worry that they are not doing enough.  I think as moms we think we have to be selfless and have nothing but loving and beautiful thoughts about every aspect of mothering our sweet little angels.  The truth is, when they are little we all can't wait for them to fall asleep at night, as they grow up we do a happy dance when they are invited to a sleep over and we can have a quiet night watching some chick flick in peace and quiet and when they are teens we hold our breath every time they go out and frequently wonder where on earth this obnoxious self centered human being came from.  I love my kids and I have moment of joy, fun and pride but the other stuff is just as real.  That your job brings you such satisfaction is a great thing, what we all wish for and what we hope our children will some day find. 

[Guest TooSoon]

HM - I agree with everything Trying said.  But I want to add one more thing - something that is sometimes so hard to remember.  Maybe I believe this because I have to in order to survive but I believe we are modeling something extremely important for our daughters.  While I do not like my "job" every single day, I love my Work.  Work is and always has been hugely important in my family and now to me.  I want my daughter to see how work doesn't just pay our bills but it gives my life purpose and meaning and brings interesting people and experiences into our lives.  Work was all I had left of my own identity after caregiving and Scott's death. 

 

This does not negate the fact that there are plenty of times I am exhausted, when I am second guessing every parenting decision I have ever made, when I feel like odd-mom-out at kid events, when I want to cry because she's crying because I can't go to this or that thing at school because I have to work, when I hate myself for saying, "Can you just make a PBJ for dinner tonight?"  but I try to remind myself that, like you, without my work, I am not sure what I would have become and I am certain that I would not be a better parent. 

 

You're doing a great job - we all are; sometimes it is just impossible to feel it.  Solidarity!

[Freelancing]

Yeah, I remember that time period very well. I went through that horrid boredom, emptiness and I don't give a f**k about anything as well. Its weird thinking back on it now because I had no magical cure for it, all I could do was get out of bed everyday with a chip on my shoulder and do all those pointless things I thought were not getting me anywhere. Apparently, it did me alot of good even when the grief changed again to some other emotion(s) I had no experience coping with but managed to get through without harming myself and others. 

BTW, I got out of law enforcement after DH died. I still can't believe I'm actually working at something I'd always thought was a mild interest, passing fancy.But now, I'm just thrilled to be in the antique business; hunting for authentic parts throughout the US by computer, appraising, restoration.OMG, way too much fun!

Grief takes alto longer than people think. I'm one that can attest to it being an average of 8yrs. The last 2yrs were like the nesting period pregnant women go through in the last trimester. Its was all about preparing for the supering new life that I was unaware was about to happen. 8)

You will get there in time!

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Harm is relative. There's butthurt, then there's malignant. Where to draw the line, eh?