long-term widowhood effect: professional disinterest

[Mizpah]

I'm at about 4 1/2 years.  Before losing DH, I was very ambitious and career-oriented (I'm an attorney).  Since he's died, I just don't care.  I care enough to get by and do well.  But my ambition and interest and attention span and passion for work and desire to shine is just gone.  I feel like losing him made me realize what I already knew: the only important thing, when it comes down to it (and it comes down to it!), is love and the people we care about.  So I'm here, so I can pay bills and have/provide health insurance, but I just.  Don't.  Care. 

 

Anyone else the same?  Or the opposite? 

[Captains wife]

Im at 3.5+ years and hear you loud and clear on this one. I have always been a hard worker and career oriented (I work in finance) and I started at my new job in 2011 that way. My husband died suddenly in 2012, and I was left to raise a baby. It really re-juggled my priorities and I do try and do a good job at work - but the prior focus and drive has definitely waned since becoming a widow. While I need to work hard to pay the bills plus I want to take pride in my work, my career doesn't have the same meaning as it did before and I am not as focused on climbing the corporate ladder.

[RobFTC]

Yes, I have this t-shirt too, Mizpah.  I work for the benefits and the girls' college funds.  Sometimes my skills fit well with a particular problem and I look good, and people like working with me - but I am no star.  There was a promotion attempt by my last manager, and I was not really bought into it, because I know my profile is low outside my immediate workgroup.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guaruj]

I can both agree and disagree with this sentiment. It's been 16 months since Catherine died, and I honestly believe the quality of my work has improved since then. It was, in fact, improving before she died. I attribute part of that to the fact the she had a home healthcare assistant who also went to minor appointments with her.

 

After she died, I was back at work in 2 weeks. I started getting up earlier at 5:00 AM, visit Catherine's grave around 6:30 and be at work by 7:00. I still do that occasionally; I visited her grave this morning.

 

My job is writing specialized software for use in-house by my employer, which is a multi-national corporation. I don't have to spend a lot of time in meetings or talking to people on the phone; those are things that would interfere with my productivity. I'm comfortable working alone most of the day.

 

I'm a polite person, but I do have disagreements with managers now and then. I had episodes of rage last year towards one manager whose conspicuous incompetence compromised the quality of my work. I currently have a good boss, and I believe that good management is hard to find. I think an unfortunate part of a manager's job is to produce, consume and regurgitate bullshit. Much of their time is wasted in unproductive meetings, and they suffer near-constant interruptions.

 

I have no management aspirations. I have a lot of talent for what I do, and I know if promoted into management I would suck at it. Any corresponding increase in pay would be short-lived.

 

So, you could say I'm low on ambition in that I'm happy with the job I have. I have to constantly learn new skills but that's fine with me. If I must give a lot of attention to contrived and degrading bullshit like "personal branding", then my job performance will definitely suffer.

 

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[Guest TalksToAngels]

I think the goal was to raise the kids, pay off the bills, and retire somewhat comfortably. After realizing I'm not that good at trying to recoupe, all that has gone out the window.

Now I go to the Casino trice a month and hit "Max Bet".

[Guest TooSoon]

It will be 3 years since Scott died in early 2016; tack 2 more of his needing a lot of care prior to that and I am tired.  I feel like I don't have the zest for teaching that I once did but I also think as I've gotten older my teaching has matured. 

 

It is a mixed bag for me - academics have the double edged sword of being able to work from home a good bit of the time but that takes discipline and the cycle of guilt and self-loathing can be pretty brutal, feeling like I should be working ALL the time.  The time I do spend at work feels very high stakes because I have an ethical obligation to the young people I teach to be present and engaged in their learning (also ripe for the cycle of guilt and self-loathing - like today, I was a crap professor today and that feels awful).  It also can be extremely stressful because many academics are bat sh*t crazy, lazy and sometimes wildly self-absorbed.  Sometimes I've turned to work as a means to get through my grief - wait, not sometimes - I know I've done and do that.  I have a research project that I love but don't really consider that work on the rare occasions it can be my singular focus. 

 

You also have a small child.  I was much less productive when my daughter was little.  She needed more from me, energy and time and then of course the sleep component.  As she has matured and gotten involved in friendships and activities and her art making at home, I've found myself spending more time in the office just to be around other adults or working through the evenings.  Not sure at what stage of your career you are but I've found my productivity levels and level of interest in the job itself to wax and wane; I've been in the same position for 13 years and am experiencing an itch to move on.  To what or where remains a giant question but I keep taking on work so that I will have more options and a larger skill set when the opportunity presents itself.  Lots of my friends in other fields who've been at it about the same amount of time and who are about the same age are feeling the same - middle age crisis?  mid-career blahs?  I don't know. 

 

But I just went through two harrowing and stressful applications - one for a big grant and the other for a promotion.  It was such a consuming and confusing process that I had to ask myself if my priorities were out of synch.  Time to make a therapy appointment.....

 

There isn't anything wrong with focusing your energies on things other than work.  Though Jeb Bush does not agree with me, in my opinion, we work far too much in this country without thinking about creative ways the same amount of work can and should be done more efficiently and in fewer hours.  Maybe I should run for President on the 4 day work week platform? 

 

 

[linda5]

Lost on ambition when my husband died.  Now I"m just coasting until I retire.  But, I also lost all of my life dreams when he died.  I don't know what I want my future to hold.  We had a plan for the future ... but I (as one singular person) did not.  It's a little more than 2 1/2 years out for me, and I just plug one day along after the last. 

[JeanGenie]

Lost on ambition when my husband died.  Now I"m just coasting until I retire.  But, I also lost all of my life dreams when he died.  I don't know what I want my future to hold.  We had a plan for the future ... but I (as one singular person) did not.  It's a little more than 2 1/2 years out for me, and I just plug one day along after the last.

 

I could have written the exact same thing.  I'm now working for retirement.  I still take pride in my work and do a good job when I'm there, but I no longer (or very, very rarely) bring work home.  My goal is to keep my job and benefits til I can retire....but at this point, I don't know what that looks like either (but I still have some time to figure that out).

[Trying]

What I found was that I lost interest in the path my career was on.  To move up would mean to get into management and away from direct patient care. This would mean more money but not at all what I want to do.  Instead I am back at school and exploring a new but related career path hoping to spark some renewed ambition and satisfaction in my work.  I have to say that I am feeling just that during this learning and planning phase.  I'm excited and motivated and confident.  This new career path will most likely not mean any increase in income and initially will be less.  At 46 I am faced with the reality of 20+ more years of working and realized I needed job satisfaction more than I need an increase in my earnings.  I would rather cut back than be apathetic every day.

[Guest TooSoon]

Trying's post brought up another factor that is always so relevant in all of our discussions, which is that our personal situations and realities are so unique.  I need to get promoted if I am going to raise this child the way I want to on one salary.  This was not the plan, obviously, but this is the reality.  I have no back up or safety net so it is all on me.  I might be motivated because I have to be. 

[twistedmensa]

I have no ambition whatsoever anymore. It makes me a bit sad, because I had a lot of potential...but I just don't have the drive that I used to. I will be returning to school, though I'm not sure if I will be returning in January or next fall, to finish the degree I was working on, but with my lack of motivation I'm a little worried I won't be able to put in the required effort.

 

I think my main motivation at this point is to try and be a good example for my children. Right now, I think I'm failing miserably at that.

[Wheelerswife]

10 months after my first husband died, I left my job and I moved a couple of months later, thinking I would continue to work after I got settled.  But I realized I just didn't have what it took to be a caregiver anymore, and I ended up leaving a 26 year career in health care in the dust.  I had muddled through those first 10 months, doing everything I could to avoid contact with my peers at work.  I would go in early, get started early, and get out as early as I could, often leaving without the expectation of getting paid for a full day, as I was out of paid time off.  I was surprised that after a break, and with a new life with my second husband starting, I still lacked the motivation to work in my profession.  I'll admit to having severe widow brain that never truly resolved.  I never recovered my full capacity to focus, even during my gloriously happy second marriage.  I did go back to school, but my issues with focus made things challenging.  Still, I did well in school, keeping a 4.0 average.  Then John died, too.  School became my focal point through all of the hell I endured, but my focus was even worse.  Somehow, I still pull things off and now I am in grad school.  I sometimes procrastinate for hours before getting some reading done or writing a paper, and I have trouble staying on task when I do manage to get started.  Medications for ADD help my focus, but give me unacceptable side effects, so I'm doing this without drugs.

 

But...I feel some inspiration coming back.  I have another year of school and then I will need to find a job in a new career.  I hope I can pull it off.  It has been over 6 years since Barry died and I've had widowbrain that long.  Is there hope??

 

Maureen

[IfIonlycould]

I relate to what everyone is saying...

At first ambition was driven by the fact that without it I would not survive (and I have 20 years of working still ahead of me), there was no life insurance when he died so what I need in life I have to go out and get...I was working part time most of our marriage, there was no career path, I was spoiled in that I could pick and choose what struck my fancy and then pursue it, that said I loved the various work I did and worked hard, I had my own business when we met and as time went on I slowed it down to part time which suited us well as it allowed me the time to manage our house very well something I thoroughly enjoyed, I had a series of "event" style jobs each more interesting than the next, I worked hard, I was paid well and life was good....then we moved and he died and I was left scrambling back in my hometown with only a part time job and the knowledge that I would need to find something full time with benefits....I found it and zombied my way through that job for the next few years,  I remember looking at my coworkers who were completely engaged in whatever they were doing and wondering where they found the interest or energy...I faked it ALOT...now I am on a path that fulfills more of who I am in my soul and allows some flexibility...I have many bosses now as I have created a life of being self employed so my clients are technically the boss...however unlike "old job" I am no longer working hourly to help the owner of the company (who thought managing her company meant coming in at noon)  have a good retirement while I worked 10 hour days (now if I work a 10 or 12 hour day my pay truly reflects it)....some days I feel a real spark again but not like what I felt the first time I was in business for myself...is it age or widowhood or both? 

[Missmybecky]

Once again, people on this site have described something that I have been experiencing but thought that no one else would get. I am a civil engineer and I used to have a strong passion for what I do and Ioved the challenges of my career, but lately they are just that challenges and I don't find the joy in it anymore. I frequently find myself wondering what else I could do and then get frustrated when I realize how hard it would be to find something new that would be flexible as my current job to allow for my demands as a solo parent of 2 and pay enough to satisfy my budget. I am not really unhappy per say but I am more like content with my current life and I don't know what to do to change it and in the mean time it continues to proceed as there is no stopping of time and so each week is just like the last and it driving crazy inside.

[Heydear]

Another attorney here, and yes, this makes sense.  While I'm deeply thankful for my job and want to do well, in my heart I just don't want to work anymore.  I'm not sure if this is a lack of ambition or exhaustion (three kids and a full-time job).  Regardless, the end result is the same...  years of effort and tons of money to pursue a career that no longer has the same meaning it used to.  I'm hopeful that one day my interest level will return.  :-)

[canadiangirl]

Yes, mizpah, word for word, with you and Missmybecky and Heydear and others.  100%. 

 

I remember describing it to a friend (sorry for stream of consciousness):  A thing like this happens, your partner dies far too young, and it puts life in perspective and shakes things up and you see what are the real priorities for a human to live a fulfilling existence...and despite being attuned with every fibre of your being to the screaming of your soul about these priorities and its yearning to make the most of the time we have, commune with nature etc. etc. there must be food on the table and a small one must be provided for and though you may have zero passion/interest for it...you gotta go to work.

 

It has actually been one of the most difficult daily challenges for me.  To act contrary to what my brain and soul tell me is good and necessary for me. The exhaustion and insomnia and trauma do not help. 

 

What helps motivate me is, very prosaically, life insurance, which I am lucky enough to have through work.  We have seen here that people can die young and how much of a difference it makes if those left behind are adequately provided for and the compounded grief when they are not.  I need to make sure my small one is okay financially if something happens to me.  I am far from suicidal but there are days I feel like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. 

 

I know I am very lucky to have my job - I feel grateful for this.  And I still have a little seed of hope in me somewhere that things will get better someday, maybe.  In the meantime, professional disinterest, no joy, daily grind, hell yeah.

 

 

[Catnip]

I worked 12 years in the medical field and resigned at the birth of my second child. I then had a third child. I was home full time for a few years and then returned to the medical field part time. When my oldest started high school, it was my husband's idea to go full time and work at a college so we could get free tuition for 3 kids. So I am working here at the college I received my bachelor degree, and where I met my husband! Now, all 3 kids have their bachelor degrees! A family tradition.

 

However, it was my husband's idea. We made the deal that I would put the 3 kids thru school and then I could return home full time. I held up my end of the bargain. He did not. Sadly, he never lived long enough to see any of his sons graduate from college.

 

And here I am, stuck. I've been here 16 years. I have a pension. With this economy I'm afraid to change jobs. Now that I'm 60 years old (don't tell anyone), I'm just waiting until I can retire.

 

The job is ok, I'm secretary to the dean. I wear my smile every day and pretend. It's the best I can do for a job I never really chose, and with no real incentive to be here now that my kids have graduated.

 

I'm just doing my time, waiting until I can retire. But then, the real question is, can I ever retire in this economy? And what will I do then?

[RobFTC]

Following up: I have a couple of things this week that have helped.  We're doing some planning on some short-term work, and I have offered to help with some of the analysis, which lead to a couple of short stints writing some analysis scripts.  The small, achievable pieces have also seemed to be high impact and helpful to other people, and I have been mentally rewarding the hell out of myself for doing well with those.  I have a tougher short-term task that everyone was expecting to be a bear - dreading it for me - which is looking fairly good right now.  The guy who had to jump in and rescue the last guy to do this kind of thing has given me a few comments and they may have been enough, as I am closing in on it pretty well.  My peers have noticed.  That also feels good.  What I am trying to reinforce here is to break down my tasks to smaller things and celebrate each completion; I know I have not always done that naturally.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[anniegirl]

I don't look at it as not caring or losing ambition as much as it's simply a shift in focus.

 

Things I once found important just don't fit with who I am now.

 

My husband, also widowed, has come to the same conclusion - although having been a mildy ambitious person before, it took him a bit longer to let go and be okay with the shift.

 

I think though that it's possible to find great ambition(s) post any traumatic event but in my experience, it's not the norm.

[imissdow]

I so get this.  I used to be a General manager. I was good at it. When I had kids I switched jobs and started delivering freight. I'm good at this also. Used to pay more then the first and I worked less hours.  I also did the books for my DH's construction company and helped out there as needed.  He died I closed up the construction company.  My boss at my delivery company is horrified at my I don't give a darn attitude. However I show up every day and do my job so he really doesn't complain much. I tell him I'm not the least bit interested in any more work. That drives him crazy and isn't earning me any brownie points.  I keep thinking at some point I will care again but at 4 1/2 years it really looks doubtful.

[Bear Tomás]

I have never been career driven but my fitness has suffered from apathy.

[Sugarbell]

At 8 years..I can say my career has ebbed and flowed.

 

I will say when he died in 2007....I was at the top of my game with a pharmaceutical company-He did the same job. I lost ALL interest in that profession-for so many reasons I just couldn't go back to it. And yes..while my kids were small..I lost all interest in a career-just working when I had to for $$$$. I think it was a combination of widdahood and small children. I can't blame it all on widda hood.

 

And now...I think I have had 3 different careers since becoming a widow (maybe more)--I haven't lost the drive/ambition for work/career....It's just become that my kids/responsibilities have forced me to slow down and get into a career that works with them.

 

But the drive is still there...but not like it used to be 10 years ago. I am not about making the big $$$$ like I was 10 years ago. Now..I work so I can live. I don't live to work.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

With respect to ambition, for me it depends on how I perceive stability. If I feel things are stable, I naturally pick up momentum in terms of focus and direction. If I feel things are in a state of flux then so am I. I've pretty much floundered my whole life and most of my ambitions have been thwarted. So I've been an ambitious person without necessarily having anything to show for it.

 

For many years I was desperate to have a career with which to identify myself, but that never came to fruition. If I wanted any sense of identity or self, it seemed that the only way toward that was through the emptiness - and through that, I have realized, as a lot of people come to realize, that career isn't everything. Sooner or later it will be gone, and if that's the only thing we identify with, then our identity will be gone too.

 

That feeling of "I just don't care" is a double edged sword. It's liberating one the one hand, but kind of debilitating on the other because if we don't care then we don't feel anchored and if we don't feel anchored then we feel we're drifting. I do believe it's just another rung on the personal and spiritual development ladder. Growth was never painless or easy and I'm still here and still growing through my own ennui.

[MauiMermaid]

I really lack any interest in my career. I've always been driven to do well but now I'm completely apathetic. My life is getting through the day and on to the next. I know that sounds terribly depressing but it is the reality I've come to accept. My battery runs at 10%, always. I somehow manage to finish the day before it gets to 0% but it's close.

 

Interestingly, while my overall work performance is quite good, my perceived "opportunities" from my boss include "lack of engagement" with my peers. No shit. Like I have anything to add to conversations about houses, husbands and kids. To save myself the pain, I avoid those interactions unless necessary. Going on work trips and having to engage in conversations, dinners, activities with people my age is terribly painful. I live on the island of misfit toys and I wish I could help them understand that I'm not the same MauiMermaid nor will I ever be.

 

I agree, everyone's situation is unique as well. I was left with zero financial security so I have no choice but to ramble through. One income really hurts. Don't see how I'll ever get ahead at this rate. *Sigh*

 

(((Hugs to all)))

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Maui, so much of your post made me lol. Opportunities. Ha ha. Brings back memories of skits my late hubby and I used to do around management lingo, something you pick up when subjected to endless pointless meetings. Anyway, we can always use the feed back, and hopefully they gave you three pats on the back before the one growth opportunity cookie.

 

I do not know how I got lucky enough to have enough money to take the full tour of the house of mirrors and emerge from that ready to work, but I can tell you my financial luck is lucky now only by virtue of prudence and kidney crushing belt tightening.

 

Congratulations on doing so well, on one headlight, so to speak.  I would use quotes right now, but sometimes a lot of the punctuation marks stop working on this machine.

 

Your energy and brain power will return one day, I would bet any  money you will skate ahead. Just give yourself some time to acclimate to this new way of life. Hopefully your job can be a source of comfort and stability as well. Sometimes that is not the case, I know.

 

You may not recognize yourself for awhile, but you will in awhile.

 

((hugs))