Venting about teens

[RobFTC]

Only parenting sucks, can I get an amen?

 

My oldest has been getting herself in trouble with me for flagrantly breaking my rules.  If you remember, she had a lot of food - spilling out of bags, decomposing, ewww stuff - stashed in her room awhile ago, and that's happened a number of times since then on a smaller scale.  She was supposed to clear their room again after I found food on Thanksgiving, but she avoided that all weekend to watch videos (I was waiting with a consequence in mind).  She's lost privileges and can't be arsed to do anything to earn them back.  I don't believe in taking laptops to bedrooms, so I had to put an explicit rule in place when she was caught watching videos in her room when she should have been taking care of chores.  We won't even talk about grades for the minute.

 

This morning, her sister headed off on the bus while she stayed home sick.  Her sister texted that she was missing her laptop, and wondered if I knew where it was.  I looked in the likely places, and then asked my oldest.  She denied seeing it.  I made her get dressed and help me look, because Sarah has two assessment grades riding on it today.  She got up and started to look around, so I said I would have a look in their room.  Then she stopped me and confessed that she'd taken her sister's laptop out of her backpack so she could leave it at her desk and take her laptop to her room and not get caught.  She'd forgotten to cover her tracks this morning.  And she had dirty dishes in there again, of course.

 

Multiple violations of the same type are stacking up.  I think my biggest concert at this point is that almost all of our interactions are negative, and I don't know where to start at improving that.  Communications are down to a couple of tin cans and some string.  And just to make the secret sauce more flavorful, their 15th birthday party is coming up this weekend - we talked about plans just last night.

 

I ordered some "Love and Logic" resources this morning, if anyone knows about those guys.  I respect their system but can't say I have been following it well since they were a lot younger.  I set up a meeting with a couple who knows her well and has a daughter her age at the same school.  I put out the call on FB (making sure they would not see it).  The final step was venting here.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[sojourner]

Only parenting sucks, can I get an amen?

 

Amen! Preach it, Brother Rob!!

 

Our "special sauce" is that LH was very lenient and undermined me a lot, and didn't see the need to reinforce little, insignificant things like respect and cooperation. Adds that little extra "tang" to life now. :-\

 

Sympathies, and I hope you can get things going more smoothly!

[widowat33]

Teens..mine aren't there yet, next year oldest will be 13. But I remember being a teenager, and although I was a good teenager, for the most part, I did things that I'm sure had my parents wondering what in the hell I was thinking.

Rob you are doing an amazing job! Most of the parents I know wouldn't go to the lengths you go to when it comes to parenting your girls! You see a problem, you identify it and find the resources to deal with it, not everyone is capable of doing that.

 

Amen, yes it's hard and yes it sucks. I will admit though at this point my boys have become closer to me than ever before, I think they appreciate me more than they used to, not sure how long it will last but I'm cherishing every moment because I know that it could all change.

 

Wishing you well.

[Trying]

Amen, only parenting sucks and teens can really suck sometimes too!

 

You are doing a great job under tough circumstances, I admire that you make consequences and stick to them. It's not easy always having to be the bad guy. DH and I were a great team and had different things we each took turns being tougher on. Now, it's just me being tough or picking my battles because the constant nagging and discipline is hard.

 

My middle son is the one with food in his room and clothes all over the floor. Since he was a toddler he has been too lazy to cover his tracks and is easily caught. Do they want to be caught or do they just really not care?

 

I hope her sister is really pissed off about the lap top and tells her off. Sometimes a sibling or a friend being mad has more effect than we do.

 

Hang in and vent away any time!

[Gabzmom]

Amen!  It's like I am living with two people.  The sweet girl and the crabby, self-entitled teen.  I don't have anything to add as far as wisdom.  I am just trying to adjust my sails. 

[Guest TooSoon]

So frustrating!  I don't have a teen....yet.  But my daughter has been a whirlwind mess creator since the day she started walking.  She also has the food-in-room syndrome.

 

For years I tried to impose rules but over time I decided I really had to pick and choose so that we weren't living in a constant state of frustration and negativity.  Chose chaos and messes instead.  She has some attention issues and it seems like that may be part of the reason I just couldn't get her to cooperate.  No number of incentives or rewards charts or bribery made one iota of difference.  Maybe I capitulated but my sanity seemed more important.

 

While my own child is still little, I do work with students in their late teens and early 20s who don't always respect me or my parameters.  When they get defensive, I put it on them ("What do you think we should do to solve the problem?")  I've found that often disarms them.

 

Hang in there! 

[Heydear]

Oh yes, this sounds familiar.  My daughter (recently turned 14) and I lock horns frequently.  It's very tiring.  There are many days I think, "I'm not sure whether it's going to be her or me, but I'm pretty certain one of us isn't going to make it."  If it's any consolation, at about 14, my oldest son was a pain in the butt, too.  He is now 15.5 years, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Thankfully, the teenaged selfishness is starting to fade, and maturity is settling in.  I read your posts, and it's clear you are an involved and caring father.  While my opinion is from afar, I think that - despite today's hard work - the groundwork you're laying today is going to pay off.  But in the meantime, you're totally right.  This only parenting thing sucks.  Good luck!

[Carey]

It started when mine were about 11 and hasn't let up since.  Daughter is 18 and Jekyll/Hyde. Sometimes SO sweet and helpful and other times, the queen bitch of snark street. The boy, 17 is MUCh harder to handle though. He skips school, and is trying to coerce me into online homeschooling.  He took off with a "friend" to MISSOURI (three states away!!) for over a week recently on the anniversary of Chad passing. He's got so many absences, he's still in the 9th grade because he pulled this junk last year too.  Just at my wits end so I can commiserate for sure!

[Abitlost]

 

I ordered some "Love and Logic" resources this morning, if anyone knows about those guys.  I respect their system but can't say I have been following it well since they were a lot younger. 

 

If you discover some effective teen Love & Logic strategies, please share!!!!!!!!!

 

Rob, you're a great father for many reasons but in this instance because you're not giving up. Keep up the good work.

 

abl

[momtokam]

Vent away Rob, only parenting sucks to no end!

 

I almost think they push more with us because they know there isn't another parent and they think they can get away with more. I know I give in more now than I ever did before.

 

I take away the phone for my oldest, and ipod or ipad for my younger 2.

What is she attached to that she would do anything to get back?

 

I know the negative communication is normal with teens sadly. It's always something. Mine is 17 and is current very stressed about her grades and her university applications due soon. She is a great student but her stress is effecting some of her recent test results which in turn is stressing her more. I'm trying to get her to relax more but this stresses her more! Our disagreements are more in this area these days. My SIL tells me they become human again at 19-20 years old. I can't wait! Then my younger ones will hit that stage!

 

Not a lot of advice for you Rob, but know I am commiserating with you.

 

[iloveyoualways]

Hi Rob. I have no advice even though my seven year old acts like a teenager sometimes. I really don't envy those parents with teens. But widow hood is difficult with toddlers too. I always thought that I would sell my children on Craigslist when they turned twelve. Now that won't happen as he's my parting gift. Stay strong and know that you are doing the best for those girls to raise them well. Maybe one day they will see how much you love them and want what's the best for them. Hopefully it will happen while you're still here on earth to thank.

[RobFTC]

I think the biggest pattern I want to break is focusing on her failures all the time.  She must have a feeling that I don't believe she can walk the right path, and that's not something my parents EVER let me feel.  I do believe she's an awesome person, with a few rough edges I would like to smooth out.  I would like to internalize that thought and turn it into action, while still holding her accountable so those rough edges get a little attention.  It's the lack of progress that's got us to this level of conflict, and I need to find the reset button.

 

I just had a thought about writing her a letter to that effect.  Miss S could use one, too, I bet.  Hmmm ...

 

MTK, I had to chuckle at how your telling your daughter to relax is stressing her out - kind of like wishing a person a nice day and have them snarl that they have other plans :-)  Maybe more simple messages that you believe in her could do the trick.

 

ILYA, I know how your guy tests you, too.  Sometimes kids lean against the boundaries in the hopes they are solid, so they just need us to be there.  To all parents, I hope we can keep the boundaries solid with reasonable padding :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[SimiRed]

AMEN!  Yes, ONLY parenting sucks!

 

My son is 15, but thinks he's 30, or thinks he's something.  Oh, I get the back talk, the dwaddling on chores, the empty water bottles on the floor in his bedroom.  Of course, I also get the, "it's a dumb rule that my wi-fi and data goes off at 11, dumb, stupid, etc". 

 

See, I don't take his laptop, xbox, cell phone away.  It doesn't help and just makes him mad.  Nope, I have family base on Verizon and can control "time-restrictions" on his phone where the data won't work, internet won't work.  But, it works with wi-fi, so I then log into the router, get the IPaddress from the xbox, phone and laptop. Put time restrictions on those IPaddresses only.  This way, I'm not begging for his phone, it just doesn't work after a certain time.

 

Oh, he's a good kid, he's just a teenager that is pushing every single button I have. 

 

Rob, my son constantly is saying, "I can't do this right, I fail at this, what's the point in trying", etc.  I do think this is a normal thing at this stage in their life, and yes, it makes you feel bad and maybe you'll feel sorry for her and loosen up on your rules.  Hmm, nah, don't loosen up on the rules. 

 

Vent, vent, vent... cause it makes me feel more normal and less likely that I'm just failing at this only parent thing!

[RobFTC]

Rob, my son constantly is saying, "I can't do this right, I fail at this, what's the point in trying", etc.

 

SR, a target for me with negative stuff is - "Aren't you glad I don't believe that?"

 

Good stuff in all of the filtering.  My T-Mobile account has some parental controls, but not as fine-grained as I would like.  It's still good to have the control, and to still have them able to text or call me even if they can't do anything else.  I have at times blocked the WiFi IP address, and yeah, it's less confrontational than demanding she turn over the phone.  I should simplify what I do so that it's clearer.

 

Rob T

[Sugarbell]

Ugh it's not for the weak that's for sure...Oh I sympathize with you Rob!

 

bossy boy will be 13 Friday...And he's pretty much become more of a know it all over the past year (he's always been that way but much worse now)

 

My tween 11 year old...he's a slob and yea food wrappers/Popsicle sticks under the beds, dishes...sneaking food shut in the living room. I talk, lecture, yell, vent at him about it...it does no good. I can clean up all the shit behind the couch and within 24 hours it's there again. I have taken away video games, privileges, etc. Doesn't help. Short of whipping his ass with a switch I am not sure what to do.

 

I clean every freaking day.If I didn't I know we would have bugs and rodents. It's my number one gripe right now with solo parenting. The amount of housework is killing me. It was not this way when they were younger at all!!!

 

Vent away 

[imissdow]

I feel your pain.  I still  have 2 teens at home the older one finally graduated and just informed me that she is not planning on returning to the community college she has been enrolled in this semester.  I suspect she has been blowing off her classes for the last month.  We had a discussion about what will happen now that she plans on living here and not attending school. she was slightly miffed at what is coming for her.  I however don't plan on her living with me forever and if she gets miffed enough she might just move out.  She was warned several times so none of this should be a shock.

 

Back when my older was 15 and the middle one 12 I had a therapist that came to our house. She taught me a lot about why kids do what they do and how to encourage better behavior.  We actually used a sticker chart and reward system with both older girls and it worked really well in getting rid of some really toxic behaviors. The other nice part about the whole program is that even with the goals being to get rid of bad behavior it also rewarded what they were doing right.  We put a couple of thing you that they typically did well just for some positive strokes every day.  Rob if your interested I can give you lots more details.  I don't use this anymore however it worked really well and the behaviors I was trying to get rid of are no longer a issue. In fact the middle kid who used to be the worse is now for the most part on track and does really well. 

[luvmy2babies]

Coming here never fails to show me I am not alone, even down to the food items in the bedrooms.  We moved and are now renting and my #1 rule was no colored juice or food out of the kitchen unless it was in a no spill container, and I made sure there were plenty of those available.  My 12 year-old complained they looked like baby cups.  Fine, then drink in the kitchen. 

 

But it never fails because I can?t stay awake for 24 hours a day.  Just recently I found almost empty Sunny Delight bottles in her room.  Notice I said almost empty.  And several tiny spills are on the carpet now.  The owner left this great stuff called Spot Shot for us and it works great, as long as it is applied and used within a few minutes of the mishap.  When I asked why she didn?t clean it up at least?  ?I don?t know how to use it.?  What part of spray and wipe is too hard?

 

And taking away electronics?  Not going to happen because she needs the dang tablet as much as wants it.  I already take it at bed time or she?d never go to sleep. 

 

I hear you on not wanting so much of the interaction to be negative.  This is something I have to watch as well, especially in the evenings on school days.  She also has learning challenges so school requires double or triple the work and energy.  When I get her back, she?s given school so much energy she?s cranky some of the time.  We try to do things together that provide some type of release, like going to sporting events. 

 

I think the main thing that helps us is something I learned not long after her learning and attention challenges were diagnosed.  I had already read about it in the book Power of a Praying Parent; but determining her strengths and gifts and nurturing those has helped us in various ways.  Gives us something positive to do and talk about, something I can always turn to so she hopefully doesn?t get that ?Mom doesn?t think I do anything right,? feeling and gives her some much needed balance so her life isn?t all school, rules, etc.  She loves to sing and draw so I let her join a community youth choir and an after school character design club and while I may deny her something else, these two things are off limits when it comes to punishments.

 

We are and probably always will be a work in progress; but I see her trying.  The people at my last IEP meeting noticed significant growth, especially in her motivation to learn.  Yes, she cleaned her room by putting everything that was on the floor in the closet?baby steps.

 

Friends we attend sporting events with have children of similar ages, which is part of what makes it so much fun.  Turns out we are all experiencing these things with our children.  Being the only parent definitely adds to the stress.  It all falls on you.  No one with as much invested in the little offspring there to lean on, talk to, help with decisions, help enforce rules. 

 

I don't know how many times I have had to bite my tongue when someone (usually my mother) flippantly said, "Well, you're the parent...make her."  Always want to say, "Wow, thanks.  I'll get right on that."

[hikermom]

Amen! Mine is only 11 but acting like a full-blown teen. I, too, worry about my constant harping on the negative. When we are so stretched thin with full-time work, full-time parenting, full-time homecare...it leaves precious few resources to be our best self when faced with messy rooms and weeks old food debris in sleeping quarters.

 

I really do mourn the more light-hearted, carefree, balanced person I was before my husband died. I had greater patience and tolerance, the ability to find humor and to manage situations with greater aplomb. I'm sure part of it is her age and looming adolescence, but most of it is just being so overwhelmed.

 

You are doing a great job with the girls. Give yourself a break when you can. Girls are tough - I can say that has having gone through it and given my parents a run for their money (and I was easy compared to many!). The good thing is they outgrow it - we just have to hang on until they do!

[trying2breathe]

Agree about the girl stuff - it is a tough few years for all of us!  I too deal with food, dirty dishes and empty or not so empty drink containers in 17 y/o DD's bedroom.  As much as I complain about it, nothing has helped.  DD also trashes the passenger side of my car with gum and food wrappers, and empty drink containers.    Last week I found nail polish spilled on the light carpet in her bedroom      New rule - no doing your nails in the house, take it to the patio.    :-\      Aarrrggh!!!   

 

Messiness aside, DD is a great kid.  She's a good student, for the most part follows rules, is loving, kind and respectful.  I try to focus on the positives and let the messiness go.  It's not easy!! 

[marian53]

what is really hard is when they aren't your own, and they are encouraged by their other parent to just do their own thing. It has been five years and his mother makes it harder every year. I read these posts and I worry.