Anger

[sakeraki]

I've never cared for the however many stages of grief there are, but the new emotion that has taken the place of indescribable sadness is anger. At nothing and no one in particular. I just don't want to be approached or bothered, because the amount of patient responses I can give feel very limited. Everything bothers me. Nothing pleases me. I've given away tons of our stuff because I couldn't stand to have it anymore. It was either donating it or destroying it.

 

What gives? This isn't really "me".

[twistedmensa]

Anger...I think I am permanently stuck in this "stage."

[Dark Rose]

This comes and goes, so I avoid contact with people for too long. I can only pretend for too long. My family is a different story, they really don't understand. I wonder where the safe, okay spot now is? I don't think it exits anymore....

[Trying]

I have gone through periods of anger and I find them upsetting because I was never an angry person.  Being angry with DH was the hardest, I didn't feel like I could share that with anyone outside of the widda circle.  I was terrified I would get stuck being angry and bitter but it has softened with only the occasional flare.

 

Anger is common, give yourself an outlet for it so it doesn't build up and you explode.  For me it was screaming the F word loudly and repeatedly in the car.  Others punch pillows or break cheap plates against a tree.  Whatever works for you, let it out.

[donswife]

I noticed when i looked in the mirror ,( not that i do that often , I just looked so angry

and I have become a person with road rage

just saying the meanest things to people in cars

thank god the windows are up

just need to find an outlet somehow ..

I get where you are and how it isn't the way we used to be

 

[gracelet]

The anger ate me up for so long.  Anger was such an alien feeling to me until I lost my wife.

 

One tip I found on here which totally works for me is flinging icecubes at the wall.  I fling it at my fridge door.  The shattering effect is very therapeutic and you don't need to clean up afterwards!

[Mizpah]

I'm not at all pleased to report that this is an aspect of widowhood that, for me (at 4 1/2 years out), appears to be permanent. 

[Wheelerswife]

I had a lot of anger after my second husband died.  This wasn't supposed to happen to me again!  I was angry for my husband, who had so much more to do in this life.  He hadn't wasted a moment of time.  He was a truly brilliant mind and a great teacher.  Not only did I lose him, but his colleagues and his students lost him.

 

Anger kept me from feeling the depth of sadness in the early months.  Add anxiety to anger, and I believe that sadness was pushed away almost a year and a half.  It wasn't until this past summer, when my anger and anxiety were fairly well managed, that the sadness really set in.  I sat in that sadness pit and really felt it.  I think I just needed to do that.  Since the end of the summer, I feel that I have gradually pulled myself out of that pit and I'm feeling like I want to live and breathe again.  With the anger dissipated, I swear a lot less! 

 

I think we hit different "phases" at different times.  Some of us don't hit them all.  Anger, angst, whatever...they all hurt and it would be nice if we didn't have to cope with them.  It is hard when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes that tunnel isn't even that long, but it still feels endless.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guaruj]

I've never cared for the however many stages of grief there are, but the new emotion that has taken the place of indescribable sadness is anger. At nothing and no one in particular.

 

I was easily pissed off about 2 months after Catherine died. I blew my stack at an incompetent boss at work. Around that time, multiple people informed me of some "adverse information" regarding this person, which infuriated me further. I had nights where I went to bed angry only to wake up angry again the next day.

 

I just don't want to be approached or bothered, because the amount of patient responses I can give feel very limited. Everything bothers me.

 

This was the primary reason that I avoided going out in public for the the first 5 months. During that time, I also refused to leave the house unless I was well-dressed. Doing that helped, because people are more polite to you when you dress well. It allowed me to relate to people in a brief and transactional manner.

 

I'm happy to report that I'm back to being civil with the incompetent boss, who nonetheless remains a fucking dipshit.

[Jen]

I will refer you to my sig line. At 20 months, I'm like the Hulk: I'm always angry. Mostly I turn it inward, which results in a lot of self-hate and the inevitable self-pity that follows. But I'm also angry at Jim for dying, I'm angry at his family for basically abandoning us, I'm angry at my mother for being elderly and not being particularly sympathetic to my situation anymore, I'm angry at my sister for being pregnant and newlywed and happy, I'm angry at friends who tell me that "happiness is an inside job, not an outside one." The list goes on and on...

 

I honestly don't know what to do about it (but I like your idea about the ice cubes, Grace), and I don't know if it will ever resolve. Will I ever not be furious? No idea. I don't want to be hateful and resentful, but that's sort of where I'm headed. :-\

[Torn]

I agree the anger is unreal to me.

  With my daughter 22 & her 'husband' living in MY WIFE & MY HOME....well it's tough to say the least.

  I'm broken enough in the mind to be always MAD, I just get pushed a bit more than what's healthy.

  Seriously though, I catch myself & don't speak because, their very inconsiderate.

  Really tough not to speak the 100% truth,I'll be glad when they move out before there's a physical confrontation between him and I.

 

Example: my wife's birthday was Thanksgiving.I walked threw my kitchen and watched this boy seperating Turkey with his hands, I don't eat ANYTHING they cook because he picks at food while it's being made.But I kinda thought it was interesting that in my own home, I wasn't offered thanksgiving dinner.

  Isn't that CRAZY?

    This is just another example of this boy's & my daughter's ignorance,or blatant disrespect.

   

  I honestly feel violent around him and it shouldn't be that way but it's the truth.

  My daughter & him have a infant 1 month old ....well I can't let myself bond with the grandchild ,because it's obvious to me I will not be in the child's life aslong as he is any part of the process, so I choose to not put myself in the position of having a child used as a bargaining chip to play on my emotions.

 

  I know I'm angry & alone (physically/ emotionally) in grief, but please someone tell me the above mentioned issues wouldn't ramp up your anger.

  I need opinions, so I don't question my sanity.

   

 

 

[Jen]

Torn, please take my 2 cents for what it's worth... I can't help but think that something needs to give in your situation. It's kind of you to offer your daughter and her family house space, but it seems to me that they're taking advantage of you. You have every right to be angry-- and you have every right to amend or end this living arrangement. I feel sorry for your grandchild-- and for you as well, since you're missing out on what should be a special relationship-- but I completely understand your not wanting to get emotionally attached. It's a toxic situation all around. I wish I had better advice, but I think communication is key. Have you talked to your daughter about all of this?

 

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The Thanksgiving birthday sounds horrible all by itself without adding being alienated in your own home.

[Torn]

Hiya Jen,

  I talked to her in attempts to "nip this in the bud".

 

  With respect undue to S.I.L, I always avoid making statments against him to my daughter.

 

  My daughter and I had a good relationship 'until' like a chisel he chipped away at her until she "learned what the issue is".

 

  I tried to understand 8 months ago when my daughter wanted to goto a thrift store,so knowing her mom would've taken her, I did.

  Well each and every time she brought up "what she did today" and it included her and I doing anything,well he was 'short' in conversation and acted mad,almost as if he was jealous.I don't understand his thoughts,but my daughter learned "this" causes him to be mad so she avoids doing whatever "this" is.

  So I told her, to me that's unhealthy but I don't want her to suffer to goto the thrift store,so I didn't offer as often,but if I did he's back to being a stuffy lil fella.

 

So I've observed from a distance that even if she visits with his family and express's excitement ,he's mad.

 

Well I can't fix these things in him and if I where her I'd acknowledge

his issues and work them out,but it's not my place to point them out at all....ya know.

 

  Well I know from experience that I took her and the infant to the doctor the first few times,in hopes to help her warm up to the pediatrician and he questions why I needed to go.

    I'm fed up with it and if she accepts this from him,well what can I do ,ya know??

 

    It feels wrong when I've always been a good helper with little ones and children,but it seems that there's always a issue with S.I.L. & I'll be damned if that lil dummy tries to hold something over my head/ against me.

 

I can't imagine getting to bond with the lil baby & him get "mad" about that, because he has to invent a reason he's mad.Obviously ya can't say I'm mad because you and your dad played with the baby..

 

  He's honestly damaged a bit from being raised without a dad or mom,these things I can't fix.

  These are the things I kinda feel like my daughter should see through and make her own call about...

 

  I've started trying to sleep from when he gets home until he leaves so I don't have to hear them yell at one another....please advise, I have no one to ask or to help me understand & I just want OUT at this point..

  Thanks for your help in advance, ToRn

 

 

 

 

[Torn]

I should point out, I'm at 1 year 6 months.

  Some how probably in anger,I failed to acknowledge my timeframe reguarding anger

[Jen]

I don't know how to address the legal issues, but it seems to me that you could call the police and have him removed, if you wanted. I know that sounds extreme, and I hate to think that it could come to that, but it sounds as though he's in control and your daughter isn't willing to confront him. My off-the-cuff impression is that this is an abusive situation, and it needs to change NOW. I wish I knew how to make that happen... :-\

[THATgurl]

Torn, I am so sorry you are going through all of this - what a difficult situation.  If possible, I would like to chat with you a bit in private messages to see if a bit more information about yourself and your family allows me to offer some type of advice or words of support.  Please send me a PM if you feel comfortable doing so.  Thanks and peace to you.