Five years and nearly four months!

[Prettylady6464]

Hello everyone.

 

Some of you may remember me, some may not. I am 'crunches' of the former YWBB. I have been reading though I've not posted. I recognize all of you who came onto the boards around the same time I did. January 20, 2016 will be five years and four months for me. I have had a relatively good life, considering the love of my life is dead. I have moved, rented out my home, and by the grace of God carved out somewhat of a new life for myself.

 

I am dating... Have been for the past couple of years. We were friends for a year before we tried to date.

 

Something weird happened. The man I'm dating  proposed to me, three times. I wasn't ready, but the last proposal sent me into active grief again. That was back in late July, 2015. The past three months or so I have woken up every morning, with tears for my late husband. I have so much associated pain that I curl up into the fetal position. I sleep in such a tight ball that my elbow joints hurt to the point where I must use the strength of both hands to lift my water picher to pour myself a glass of water.

 

This morning I dreamt of my husband. We were sitting on my current bed talking, sitting upright with our backs leaning against my headboard...our bodies under the covers from our waists down. I forget the conversation but it felt, and still feels, like my husband actually was in bed with and talking to me. He looked the same... A seemingly healthy US Marine with those same huge biceps and broad shoulders. Same face. Same voice.

 

After being startled awake by the dream, I texted the man I've been dating for two years and dumped him, without justification! I know that man loves me! I don't know why I dumped that man. I've been screaming and bawling my eyes out since I dumped him, but I can't ask him back because I'm an emotional mess, and have been for months!

 

Otherwise, I have a good life --how weird is that? ...and now I'm about to start screaming and crying all over again!

 

Anyone else going through raw grief this far out? I feel like I'm back in the first few months of my widow journey!

 

Thanks and love to you all!

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, crunches.  I miss you, girl.  I wish I had some advice to give you.  Perhaps you can just write to this man who loves you and tell him exactly what you have told us.  I know how much you love your DH and how much you miss him.  Maybe you can write to your DH, too.  Ask him for his support and advice.  Listen in your heart for what he would say to you.  I have to believe you know what he would say.  He knew you and loved you best!

 

Love ya,

 

Maureen

[MauiMermaid]

Exactly what Maureen wrote. We are forever shaped by our loss and our emotions are bound to affect our investment/feelings when it comes to a new relationship. I imagine your new love already understands this. Just be honest with your feelings and explain where you were coming from when you texted him that. I'm sure he will understand given how upset you have been lately. It comes in waves and it may always. It speaks to how big of a heart you have - and it is big enough for your new love, too.

 

I'm not as far as you - 3 years yesterday - but have the same struggle. In a new relationship with a man who is caring, loving, and totally understanding of me and my loss. Even talk about DH to him, cry to new love about my loss, etc. I've almost done the same and told him I wasn't ready for all of this. I spent most of the last week looking at old pictures, videos, crying, moody. I think it's normal to go through these intense waves. Our love didn't die, it lives in us and manifests itself in the grief.

 

Wishing you the best with this and sending (((hugs))). xoxo

[Freelancing]

Sounds like unresolved grief.

(((HUGS)))

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________    "Where should I go?" -Alice

"It depends on where you want to end up." -The Cheshire Cat

 

[ManutesGirl]

So good to see your name again.  I was just thinking about you wondering how you were.  No good words of advice for you.  Still not dating and not sure how I would handle someone asking me out. But, sending you good thoughts and  hugs.  I hope you reach out to him and try to explain your thoughts.  You might be surprised by how he handles it and more importantly it may help you.

[duckie]

Hi crunches - duckie here.  Yes - still having a tough time.  The last month or so has been especially difficult for me.  I miss him so much still and, like you, I recently had a dream about him and it felt so good and natural and right.  Not sure what else to say but that I get it too.  Dating, in general, has been very hard for me.  I'm still so much in love with him.

[Beyondlife]

Hey Crunches,  I've missed you.  Your wisdom and compassion always drew me to your posts.  I am 5 yrs. 3 months.  We grieved together a long time.

Haven't dated so no words of advice here.  I do know that your heart is huge and that you deserve every bit of love that comes your way. 

Big hugs

[Euf]

Hey Crunches,

 

It's good to hear from you.

 

I've not dated and have no interest in dating so I really can't give any advise based on experience.

 

Widowhood is not for the faint of heart is it? It's a rough road to travel. But it sounds as if maybe you panicked. Do you think talking to your new guy would help? Is there still any communication? 

 

Just sending  (((hugs))).