Viva Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 OK my DH will be gone for two years this month. So I talked to a guy who met on some sort of dating site about it (we just texted and never talked on the phone) . I told him this month is particular hard for me because my DH's birthday and the death date were in January. Then he just said "You should get over it." and "I notice this event is causing you trouble." Therefore I told him this is a part of grieving process. Then he just told me " try not to grieve or suffer more then naturally person should". Somehow I felt very angry and didn't even want to continue the communication. I felt he didn't even want to try to understand what I feel. Sometimes I really don't know when is the right time to disclose this part to a guy. A few guys stopped talking to me once they knew that I am widowed. I hate that feeling of being out of the so-called dating world again because I had already found the perfect guy I wanted. Sometimes I wonder why do I need to do this again? I feel a bit upset about this now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Your feelings are valid. If a guy walks away when you share, let him. You deserve better. I can relate to disliking dating again. My husband wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me. I never thought I would be dating again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 He sounds like someone that hasn't ever lost someone close to them. Not an excuse for saying the lamest of all "you should just get over it" like oh WTF I didn't think of that. It took a long time for me to find my guy and have a great relationship, it was like a fairy tail that is until he died. Definitely pisses me off to have to start dating or just be alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viva Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Your feelings are valid. If a guy walks away when you share, let him. You deserve better. I can relate to disliking dating again. My husband wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me. I never thought I would be dating again. Jen: I totally agree with you. My DH also wasn?t perfect but he was definitely perfect for me. I didnt think I would need to date again as well. Max: I was so happy like I had won a lottery ticket when I was with my DH until he died. Therefore I do undestand what you feel. ((Hugs)) to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I'm horrified. This guy's an idiot. I say this with a rational, experienced dating head on my shoulders. He lacks the emotional intelligence we widows need in a partner. Don't compromise on this one. It's hard to figure out how much is oversharing - I am mindful of just how much I tell my new gf - but flagging that difficult dates are around the corner is perfectly acceptable. Her response when I told her about the anniversary coming up back in October: 'How can I best support you and be there for you?' Perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 "You should get over it"? He's a cretin. He's saying that you should take care of all that stuff away from his sight, thanks - and that's just not reasonable. There are far better people out there, and you can afford to wait for one. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viva Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Thanks Rob. I remember a good girl friend of mine was having dinner with me 10 months after my husband died, she told me, ?You have been mentioning your husband too much and you need to move on！?. I told her his death was like part of me had gone with him and I still missed him a lot. She even said I was making excuses for not moving on. I still remember I was having the same anger as what the guy told me, ?You should get over it.? They just dont know I will never get over it even almost 2 years by now. I think I will just have to live with it. I will always remember my DH and it was not our choice to end our marraige! If those people don?t get it that?s fine and I?d rather they can keep their mouths shut. Also I dont need to be criticized of how many times I mention my DH by those people!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Sounds like a robot. As DH would say, "Next!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torn Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Ok..... I must weigh in here... THAT GUY,really should find someone else. As gracelet, said "he lacks the emotional connection, a widower will need in a mate". Here's my straight thought on his statement, Screeeeeew him. He actually told you "to not grieve,more than is natural",who in there right minds even say/text that? Really, his comment would make me think, I'm so stupid it's a good thing this guy told me to stop grieving ,also I'll just say at that point I might need him to tell me to breath,close my mouth when chewing...well you get the picture,he made a insensitive & ignorant comment and he honestly believes that by suggesting you stop grieving ,that he is helping you,sad stuff....very sorry anyone sad that,ToRn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Yep, don't let the door hit ya on the way out, dude. I admit that's one of the things I dread about dating (still haven't). Whoever a widow(er) goes out with, they've got to accept that our late spouses were-- and are!-- someone we loved dearly and remain a huge part of who we are. If that fact makes them jealous or even just irritated, they aren't someone we need as part of our lives. Seriously, would someone ever tell a grieving parent that they should "just get over" their child's death? (maybe they would, people can be freaking idiots) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 There are people you meet and wonder why they are single. Then there are other people you meet and they tell you right off the bat. This guy is the latter, hes single because he has no empathy and compassion. Your better off without him. I also second everyone else. I hate dating , My Dh was perfect for me and I still miss him 4+ years later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Whoever a widow(er) goes out with, they've got to accept that our late spouses were-- and are!-- someone we loved dearly and remain a huge part of who we are. If that fact makes them jealous or even just irritated, they aren't someone we need as part of our lives. I agree with most of what you say, but I think we as widow(er)s also need to use some empathy with those who haven't been through it. If the slightest bit of jealousy or irritation with our former loves disqualifies someone from being part of our lives, I think we're winnowing the list of potential new mates just a little too much. I think jealousy and irritation are things that can be worked through with compassionate communication from both sides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 You should get over it? He sounds like a jerk, move on. That's not his place to say and he clearly didn't want to even try to empathize with you. I had been dating my NG 5 months when the three year anniversary of dh's death came this last October. My kids and I had a rough week that week understandably. He was really respectful of our grieving and listened to my frustrations and regret and guilt several times over the course of the week around dh's death date. I feel a lot of guilt that my kids are growing up without a dad, our marriage wasn't great, but I do regret that my kids have to grow up without him. But NG also helped me at the end of the week by saying, "the time for crying is over now." It might sound harsh out of context, but he said it more in the sense that I don't need to feel guilty and it's okay to move on with my life. He respected my time of grieving and gave me the time I needed, and then the support to move past it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Whoever a widow(er) goes out with, they've got to accept that our late spouses were-- and are!-- someone we loved dearly and remain a huge part of who we are. If that fact makes them jealous or even just irritated, they aren't someone we need as part of our lives. I agree with most of what you say, but I think we as widow(er)s also need to use some empathy with those who haven't been through it. If the slightest bit of jealousy or irritation with our former loves disqualifies someone from being part of our lives, I think we're winnowing the list of potential new mates just a little too much. I think jealousy and irritation are things that can be worked through with compassionate communication from both sides. I suppose it's a matter of degree. It's one thing to have perfectly human glimmers of jealousy. It's another thing to get self righteous like the OP's boyfriend and claim that it's somehow the fault of the bereaved that she's upset over some she loved dying. That's someone who has a serious empathy deficit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 He lacks the emotional intelligence we widows humans need in a partner. Don't compromise on this one. Fixed it for ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now