Busted

[MrsDan]

I couldn't decide if this should go here or in the parenting section. But here goes.

 

My boyfriend came over last night after DD went to bed. It got late and he spent the night. He's spent the night a couple times before. He stays in my room until after I leave to take DD to school and DD doesn't see him. We put his stuff in the closet. She has a noise machine in her room that she has slept with, full blast, since she was a baby. This morning DD and I had the following exchange when she woke up.

 

DD: Is someone here?

Me: What? What are you talking about?

DD: Whose car is that? There are two cars outside.

Me: Uh, lots of people drive cars.

 

I look outside. There are no streetlights and it is pitch black. His car is dark grey. You can barely make out his car from her window. The whole time I?m thinking, shit shit shit shit.

 

They have not met yet. We've tried, but stuff keeps getting in the way. It may happen this week, but who knows. Once that occurs, frankly (and I know I'm going to get blasted for this) I kind of feel like it's my business who spends the night in my room. Evidently, it's not possible to hide it from her. I don't plan on her seeing him in my room, but I feel inclined to be honest if she asks (once they've met). We are two busy single parents in an exclusive relationship. I like sleeping with him (I'm actually talking about sleep here) and that's not going to happen at his house. I feel like in the wake of Dan's death I've done a lot, given a lot, all for her. I'm not sure giving up spending that time, that closeness is something I'm willing to do. And I'm wondering what kind of mother that makes me.

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Im not going to blast you - I am going to affirm everything you have said.  Our situation, as you know, is a little different but there was no question about where adp was sleeping when he stayed at our house.  I didn't bring it up and it didn't come up and we just proceeded as if it was the most normal thing in the world.  The one time there was a question it was why a male friend visiting for the weekend had to have her bedroom and why couldn't he sleep in my bed with me like adp does, so I explained the difference between boyfriend and friend and that was that. 

 

I firmly believe it is better to be honest with them.  It has paid off - this Christmas when we had to stay in a motel room in England the three of us shared a room and it was completely normal for the three of us to be in that situation - all sleeping, showering, etc. in the same small space - for three days.  I hated it (there is such a thing a too much togetherness....) but she thought it was all great fun, a big sleepover party!

 

Do what feels right for you.  There truly is no right or wrong on this - only what is comfortable for you and your daughter - on whatever time frame and terms work best for you. 

[Captains wife]

I also agree - you should do what makes you feel comfortable. And if you and NG are in a serious relationship, why shouldn't he stay over? Plus your daughter is very young (I believe) so doesn't really understand what is going on so I think its fine to let her know your friend stayed over. I'm happy that things are going well - I know how difficult it is to navigate the dating scene with a young child !

[anniegirl]

No arguments from me.

 

You might want to prepare yourself for revisiting the conversation you just had with your dd though.

 

I don't know how old she is, but once she's been introduced to NG, she might put 2 and 2 together and realize that he's been staying over already.

 

 

[MrsDan]

Annie,

You are absolutely right; I fully acknowledge that I drastically underestimated what this three and a half year old has had the ability to piece together. One night, I put on lipstick before the babysitter arrived ("Why do you have red lips? Are you going out?"). A month ago I was toying with the idea of taking her to a holiday party at my BF's family's. (it fell through for unrelated reasons). I came here for advice and most people assured me she doesn't understand what he is, she'll just think he's mommy's friend. That made a lot of sense  When I brought up the subject of her meeting my friend, N, she immediately said no, she didn't want to because she's shy. Okay, well she is shy, so I backed off. It seemed a more extreme reaction than she's had when meeting babysitters, but not that different than when she met some of my coworkers, so I tried not to make to much of it. When I brought it up again, she said ,"No, I just want it to be you and Daddy." WTF?! She has no memory of the two of us together. There really is no reason she should have any idea what the nature of our relationship was, except for my obvious sadness at his absence. But this is the same kid who said, "You miss Daddy. You take off your glasses and you miss him." I take of my glasses when I cry. What I'm realizing is I can make no assumptions about what she does and doesn't understand.

[fairlanegirl]

No blasting from here either - my two were 6 and 2, and they knew where NG was sleeping from the start, and have seen us there together in the morning. Four years on, it still seems fine. They know I still love daddy, but NG as well. We are adults, enjoy being one. It's not like you have a revolving door of blokes coming in and out!

[Portside]

 

. . . . Once that occurs, frankly (and I know I'm going to get blasted for this) I kind of feel like it's my business who spends the night in my room. . . . .

 

And I'm wondering what kind of mother that makes me.

 

Well. I'll limit my comments to this: Of course it is your business who spends the night in your room. But remember, DD will learn from your actions and example what is considered acceptable behavior within your household.

 

Prepare yourself for the day when you have to address similar behaviors from DD. Oh, and if I may be so bold to make a prediction, statements like "That was different!" or "Not as long as you are in my house!" will not be accepted easily.

 

Good luck and best wishes! Mike

[Trying]

for me, and of course this is just my opinion, I would be much more comfortable about sleepovers if my kids were your daughters age. While she may have issues with sharing you with another person she will not understand the sexual implications of a man sleeping in your room.  As far as the example you're setting, it's not like you are parading different men in and out.  You are in a comitted relationship and if that is in alignment with your values then I see nothing wrong with it.  Again, just my opinion. 

 

It sounds like it's time they meet, it would be much harder if the meeting was accidental in the middle of the night!  I know you will be sensitive about slowly integrating him into her life, you are a very caring mom and this doesn't change that.

[MrsDan]

 

 

Well. I'll limit my comments to this: Of course it is your business who spends the night in your room. But remember, DD will learn from your actions and example what is considered acceptable behavior within your household.

 

Prepare yourself for the day when you have to address similar behaviors from DD. Oh, and if I may be so bold to make a prediction, statements like "That was different!" or "Not as long as you are in my house!" will not be accepted easily.

 

Good luck and best wishes! Mike

 

I consider it acceptable behavior for two consenting adults in an exclusive relationship to sleep in the same room.

 

There are plenty of things that adults do that are not acceptable for children or teenagers to do. Adults still do them, and in front of their children. Plenty of parents, for example, drink in front of their children. That will never, ever happen in my house. Alcohol completely destroyed our lives, and it's presence is completely unwelcome and therefore forbidden in our home.

 

Most married couples sleep in the same bed. Is marriage alone what makes it acceptable? So, it's more acceptable for say, two 18 year olds who got married after a month together to sleep in the same room than it is for two adults in their mid to late 30s who have been seasoned by some serious difficulties and trauma that most people never have to confront?

 

BF and I discussed it a bit, and we each made a few good points I think. What my daughter will learn from my actions and example is that other people's feelings, including those of her mother and the man her mother loves, matter. He came over last night because he got some devastating news. I could not leave my daughter to be there for him, so he came to my home. And no, neither one of us wanted him to leave.

 

Because we are two very busy single working parents, that time we spend during overnights is precious. The alternative is basically for me to be celibate and alone. Is that fair? When my daughter was not quite three months old, I learned that my husband had been drinking heavily, to the point that days later he was dead. I lost everything I believed in. Rather than ending the excruciating pain that came with the loss of my best friend and his betrayal, I got up every day and took care of my child. I ate so I could nurse. I worked so we'd have a place to live. I bought and renovated two homes, relocated to a place I'd never been to take a job I hate so that  I could cut my commute and spend more time with her. For three years I did next to nothing socially; apart from an occasional lunch with a friend and an hour or two of TV in the evenings, I did nothing for myself. All the time questioning how Dan felt about me, if he ever cared about me at all. It destroyed me, and there was nothing in that wreckage that had the makings of a good mother. So I'm sorry, but when I have the opportunity to be held by a man I love and respect, to be told I'm smart and beautiful when I've spent the last three years hating and doubting myself, well I guess I'm not strong enough, not enough of a mommy martyr not to take it.

 

 

[Trying]

MrsDan you don't have to justify your actions to anyone here or anyone anywhere else. Your DD will learn what is acceptable behavior for an adult because of your healthy example and what is acceptable for a child because of your teaching and the rules you enforce.  From all of your postings I know you do not jump into anything without thinking about the impact on your daughter, she is very lucky to have you.

[Sugarbell]

for me, and of course this is just my opinion, I would be much more comfortable about sleepovers if my kids were your daughters age. While she may have issues with sharing you with another person she will not understand the sexual implications of a man sleeping in your room.  As far as the example you're setting, it's not like you are parading different men in and out.  You are in a comitted relationship and if that is in alignment with your values then I see nothing wrong with it.  Again, just my opinion. 

 

It sounds like it's time they meet, it would be much harder if the meeting was accidental in the middle of the night!  I know you will be sensitive about slowly integrating him into her life, you are a very caring mom and this doesn't change that.

 

I agree...Having gone through this with two of my kids...particularly my daughter was 3 1/2 it was much easier. Hell, she doesn't remember anything before age 4. Now she's 8...and watches every move I make. Literally. Its totally different. If my kids remembered my early years of sleepovers (first  4 years of widowhood-she doesn't even remember the loon I was married to for 5 months) I would be in serious trouble.

Of course the past 4 years....I have been "Lily White" and NG is on the couch most nights. But that's because of my guilt from the first 4 years and wanting to make amends and re-earn trust. If those first 4 years had never happened....I wouldn't sweat it.

 

[Justin]

TooSoon has already written everything I would have said, and done a better job than I would have. 

 

My situation is different, because I was dealing with a 16 year-old, but I agree that it's not an issue unless you make it an issue. Aside from abuse, children seem to be damaged by a loss of trust more than anything.

[Abitlost]

Along with losing a natural parent, we lost the ability to model a loving, committed adult relationship between said natural parents. For me, witnessing the relationship my own parents had was seminal in knowing both what I wanted in my own marriage and what it took to maintain it. I have zero regrets of modeling what that looks like for my kids in the 4.5 years ex-BF and I spent together -- which included open affection and sharing a bed -- and hope one day to find someone else worthy of assuming that role.

 

abl

[klim]

I have an opinion......and yet have trouble managing my own situation.

 

You have a young daughter and you can guide her with your actions and conversation. She has little world experience to know what"mommy's "are supposed to do...... if you tell her that NG is going to be staying over every once in a while she will assume that's what happens when mommy's have boyfriends. There will not be any sexual connection with the action as she hasn't developed that far. And when she does ,it will seem normal.

 

I take it from your comment you  aren't worried with " the marriage factor"...nor am I .

I have yet to have my NG sleep over when my sons are home      ....and it sometimes bothers me that I can't be that straight forward with them..... but they're 18 and 20 year old guys ...their conclusion would be different then your daughters.

 

Last comment with the idea that this could come back and she might request the same privledges..... some teens are mature, they may not be in a forever relationship but in a good stable long lasting one... at that point,if they want to sleep together they probably can handle it.

 

[serpico]

So I'm sorry, but when I have the opportunity to be held by a man I love and respect, to be told I'm smart and beautiful when I've spent the last three years hating and doubting myself, well I guess I'm not strong enough, not enough of a mommy martyr not to take it.

 

It sounds like you've got it all worked out in your mind, and I don't see that there is anyone to be sorry to.  But I would also say that it should probably be one or the other - either you hide his overnights from her or be completely up front about them. I'm not sure that half measures would be the way to go here, but best of luck either way.

[anniegirl]

My daughter was four when my husband and I met and not quite five when we married (yes, it was fast).

 

She'll be fourteen soon and she shows no signs of trauma nor does she appear to be bent on using our pre-marital sleeping arrangements for personal gain.

 

In fact, she barely remembers those early days now though at the time, she was quite eagle-eyed and very little escaped her notice. Which makes sense. Pre-schoolers don't have a whole lot to divert their attention and their parents are pretty much the center of their universe. In that way they are different from older children and teens who have school and outside the family friendships and activities to consume them. In my experience, teens are probably the least observant when it comes to what is going on in their parents lives. From their pov, we don't really have lives.

 

I think most teens recognize that what adults are allowed to do and what they are allowed to do aren't the same. And while they might use the "but you did" as a way to test boundaries, my personal opinion is that it's a weak argument that is easily taken apart should it come up.

 

I do agree with some others though that if you are ready for your dd and your NG to meet that it's probably better to either have his staying over be totally open. My personal opinion is that kids take their cues from us and if we want them to grow up believing that good relationships are honest and open and that sex is perfectly normal part of committed relationships, we should model that. Hiding it makes it seem "wrong" and could lead to problems down the road.

 

Regardless, my husband and I have been together now nine years and will be married that long come June. He is in everywhere but biological dd's dad and she adores him. People are always surprised to find out he is not her bio-dad because they are so much alike.

 

Whatever you decide to do, remember that how we parent our kids is our own business. It's good to be able to find out how others handled similar issues but we really don't parent by committee. It doesn't matter what anyone else did, does or what they think. You know you and you know your dd. Trust yourself. It will be fine.

[SoVerySad]

MrsDan,

 

First let me tell you how good it is to see that you have found happiness and love again. As far as your daughter goes, you have been a great mother who has always been and continues to be focused on what is best for your little girl. Your happiness and positive sense of self are important gifts to give your daughter. I personally think the ideas she may eventually piece together about what your NG sleeping over may really have involved are less important than her having a mother who has finally relented some on being so hard on herself, allowing herself pleasure and enjoyment in her life which clearly will positively impact the time you spend with your daughter, too.

 

There have been times I have so wished I had a way to help you not blame yourself or question your value as much. I am so glad you've found a person to help you realize how deserving of love you are and is there to give it to you. Try as best as you can to keep letting go of that guilt. You absolutely deserve happiness and love again. It doesn't change the love you felt for Dan and may even free you up to remember the good times you shared together without that shadow of questioning yourself so much diminishing it.

 

I believe modeling for our kids is important. Although I am far from being a teenager, I still remember being one. Our kids will make their own choices. I was raised by my grandparents and I felt they often had old-fashioned values. When I was 17, my grandparents let me go to the beach for few days with T (who was 20 at the time).We'd been seeing each other exclusively for a year and a half. I was completely shocked they agreed to let me go and share a room with him. My grandmother's words to me were, "You aren't going to do something there you couldn't just as easily do here in our town if that is your intention. I trust you." Wow, I couldn't believe how progressive that seemed. Damn, that dear woman was smart. Despite the inevitable temptations that presented themselves on our wonderful trip, her words of "I trust you" kept ringing in my head. I wanted to live up to her trust, thus nothing too advanced occurred on that trip. Our kids will make their own choices, we can only hope to educate and influence them. I think seeing you happy and relaxed will be a good thing for your daughter. Martyring ourselves doesn't set a good example for our daughters either. You are a smart woman who will do what is best for you and your little girl.

 

Wishing you the best!!!!

 

 

[MrsDan]

Thank you all for your thoughts. DD and BF finally met last night. It went really well. At first she clung to me and buried her face into my shoulder, but then we sat on the couch while he sat on the chair and she opened up a bit. He joked with her, and asked a few silly questions, but wasn?t too pushy. He also played the piano a little, which I think she liked (Let it Go from Frozen; I think he must have listened to it before coming over because he has not seen the movie but can play by ear. So I think that is incredibly sweet.) Then she colored at the table while he ate. She asked me to take a picture of her, and then he asked if he could take a picture of her and I. I took her up to get ready for bed, and she asked if she could say goodnight to him. So it went really well. I think it was the right amount of time, just under an hour. It was really encouraging, not just because of how I feel about him but also because she has often been uncomfortable with men generally. That has been a source of concern to me.

 

Now that they have met, I really see no reason to hide it. It was our intention for the introduction to happen weeks ago, but things (mostly sickness) kept getting in the way of that. And it didn't feel right for her to know he was spending the night until they had met. I guess I could have held off overnights until then, but I honestly didn't see how she would have a clue. I appreciate everyone's perspective. I know I don't have to justify anything to anyone but myself, but this has actually helped me do just that.

[calimom]

That's really nice to read, Mrs. Dan, and I hope everything continues to go well in your new relationship.  He sounds like a good guy, and your daughter seems to have warmed up to him even in the small amount of time they spent together.  Wishing you all nothing but the best moving forward.

[SoVerySad]

Sounds like a very successful start. I'm glad it went so well.

[Trying]

Thank you for sharing how well the meeting went!  Like SVS I am so happy to hear about you opening to the idea of allowing yourself some joy and easing the feelings of guilt that you have shared with us.  You deserve to have someone who cares for you and about you, it's the best way to keep the well full for all you want to give your DD, your dogs, your FIL, your job. 

I know we shouldn't need someone else to validate that we are smart, beautiful, and have worth but there are times when seeing ourselves reflected in someone else's eyes can help quiet the self doubt.  I'm glad you have found someone who does that for you.

[Lisa]

Glad they met. I think she deserves to know that someone is sleeping in her home. It must be disconcerting to wake up and suspect so.some is there but not know. Better now she knows him