BrokenHeart2 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 There seems to be so many of us lately posting about the 3rd sadiversary. I'm a little under 1.5 months for mine. There seem to be such a commonality about the craziness of this one. For me, one of the things that keeps running through my head is.....what the hell have I been doing this past 3 yrs. I feel like I've lost 3 yrs of my life and still have to go one day at a time. I guess I always thought I should be doing so much better by now. Oh well, it is what it is. Big hugs to my fellow wids or as Heartspy phrased it fellow pillows! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrskro Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Time is a crazy thing. It feels like I have lived a life time since Tim's diagnosis 3 years ago yet it seems like he was just here yesterday. Time has stood still in so many ways but my life has very little resemblance to the life we shared. I'm sure on the outside it looks like I have "moved on", I literally moved, went back to school, am changing careers, have a boyfriend, my kids don't look or act like they did before Tim died, I no longer spend every weekend entertaining multiple friends. But the reality is that I talk to myself every day "get up, put one foot in front of the other, remember to breath, you may not have chosen this life but this is what you've got". All I can say is I am so grateful for my "pillows", I can't imagine how lonely it would be without you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Time is a crazy thing. It feels like I have lived a life time since Tim's diagnosis 3 years ago yet it seems like he was just here yesterday. Time has stood still in so many ways but my life has very little resemblance to the life we shared. I'm sure on the outside it looks like I have "moved on", I literally moved...have a boyfriend...I no longer spend every weekend entertaining multiple friends. But the reality is that I talk to myself every day "get up, put one foot in front of the other, remember to breath, you may not have chosen this life but this is what you've got". All I can say is I am so grateful for my "pillows", I can't imagine how lonely it would be without you. Holy hell Trying, I just did a double take when I read your post to make sure it wasn't one I had written and then totally forgot about! Just change "Tim's diagnosis" to "Tim's car accident" and "boyfriend" to "fiance" in the quote above and you have completely and accurately described my emotional state as well! I am grateful every day to have people like you in my life (even if it's simply as a fellow forum-mate) who understand the still-daily battles that go on inside my own head. It's such a comfort - such a wonderful emotional "pillow" - to know I'm not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I could have written Trying's post as well (well, except the entertaining multiple friends part). I moved to a whole different state, took a different job, and started seeing someone. Our daughter was a baby when he died; now she's a little girl with a fully formed personality. I'm living in the second house I've purchased since he died. The man I'm seeing is very different from Dan, and yet so similar in so many ways. Our life together seems so far away, and yet this life seems very unreal at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I like the 3 year "circling" metaphor. I haven't made major changes many of you have but I hunkered down and made it work. Yet I do circle. I circle around wondering how it is all going to unfold now that I know we've made it through that storm, now that I have some pieces of a new life in place. Like a hawk, I would pounce on any opportunity at this juncture to put that puzzle together, to make the disparate pieces of what is left and what is yet to be connected come into place. And I am so tired of trying so hard, puzzling it out and of waiting. Perhaps there will be a catalyst or an epiphany soon that will make it all possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 Wow TS, you're living my life except I don't feel like I have much of a new life. Still circling I guess. I am prepping the house to sell and doing other things in baby steps to get a new life. Gotta love all my 'pillows' PS: Today I bought a new flowery duvet & pillow covers, I smiled thinking of pillows (DH never wanted flowery bedding) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Hugs to you, BH2. Your original post completely resonated with me. I never dreamed I'd still feel so lost after 3 years. I'm as exhausted as if I've just been treading water the past 3 years. In some ways, I guess I have. More hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBB Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I am hovering around that 3 year mark. Lots of changes have taken place. I moved, not by choice, is any of this by choice? No. I buried a child a year and a half ago. To say I've been dealt a shitty hand, that's an understatement. Haven't we all? I seem to just keep spiralng downward. I got pneumonia in March , almost died, turned sepsis. 60 pounds lost. I still haven't bounced back, only to have a few weeks later, another surgery. Upper GI. Tumor removed from esophagus which was why I couldn't keep anything down, and I mean nothing. But, as if it couldn't get worse, said doctor went to balloon open my esophagus and ripped a 6 inch tear. Leading to 6 stents. Still recouping and tired of clear fluids. Some days I just feel jinxed all to hell. I doubt I will ever be able to say or think any of this crappie world has an ounce of good left for me. Apparently I used up my quota. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 CBB I am so sorry for the crap ton of bad things that you have had to endure. I hope things settle down with your health so you can regain some physical strength. Sending you tight hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 CBB So sorry that you're dealing with more than anybody should have to - big big hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Ugh, I am not on here a lot anymore but when I haven't seen old timers post I am hoping they are off enjoying their life not facing terrible medical crises. CBB I am so sorry you have gone through so much. I hope you are on the mend now. I too am circling. It will be three years on Wednesday. This morning my sister called me at 6:15 am to tell me her husband died in his sleep. Unfortunately it is a second time for her. I am thankful to be far enough along to be able to support her in this. We have had so much death experience we were consoling the first responders. They were so uncomfortable with the whole thing having to wait for an hour for the dr to sign off on it so his body could go to the funeral home. So many days I still feel really fucked up but today I felt strong, being able to help and be supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted April 30, 2016 Author Share Posted April 30, 2016 CBB hope you got my pm. Max. T2B T, SVS and the rest of us going on 3yrs, wow we made it this far, who would have thought 2.5 yrs ago we'd survive, I didn't think I would. I guess we are widow strong and have proved it! For some, it wasn't easy or pretty but we're here at 3 yrs and we're surviving and for some, God bless them, thriving! I hope to be thriving one day but I sure didn't feel this way 2.5 yrs ago. Baby steps for me for sure. God bless my 'pillows'. Hugs to all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tatianakm Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 This message gives such a great hope to us, who are just starting on this healing journey. For me, 2 months in yesterday, but it feels like it happend such a long-long time ago, as if I am moving through sludge. Three years- it might as well be a trip to the moon and back, as it is not even comprehensible right now. Hugs to all the pillows, you give us a validation that we will make it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Hardly seems possible to be coming up on 3 years - in some ways seems like just a few months and in other ways a lot longer. BH2, you're right that this journey is not easy or pretty, we take a step at a time and somehow find ourselves here. Tatiana You'll look back sooner than you think on the time gone by, I was encouraged in the early days by those further out. It's good to know that this journey that we post about gives a bit of hope to others. Hugs, fellow pillows ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 CBB - I am so sorry! I hope you have the support you need during your recovery. Keep us posted! I'm circling around my house, trying to do things to get it ready to sell. It's time. But holy hell, it is a huge undertaking. It will mean letting go of a lot of things (read: memories) and expense at a time when I've been trying to squirrel away as much as I can. But it is time. Where I will land is irrelevant. Only that I should have (oh the should haves) sold this house right away. Hindsight is 20 20 as they say. 3 years - well, we're all here, standing and accounted for! That's what matters most. ETA: I often wonder about the other spring 2013 people who chose not to migrate over to the new site and wonder how they are doing. Hopefully off living life. I still need this network; I'm grateful so many of you stayed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartspy Posted May 2, 2016 Share Posted May 2, 2016 3 years and still breathing. This site is a huge comfort. As the 3rd year approached, I found the same type of support that I received at 6 months out,, on the old site. A place to puke, to rest my weary heart and confused head. I so appreciate the honesty -the clarity- the quality-the reality as widow/ers, that we share, without the fear of judgement or dismissal. CBB: If I could take a magic wand and wave it across your suffering, I would. Wids really do make the best pillows- a soft landing after the hardest blows. Please keep leaning into us. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Share Posted May 2, 2016 Beautiful Post Heartspy! Ditto to everything you said! Hugs to all my pillows! As I do each night in bed. ( I bought a body pillow to throw my leg over like I used to do to DH, I get comfort) You are all my pillows! Sweet dreams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted May 2, 2016 Share Posted May 2, 2016 Hugs to BH2. And to CBB, I think of you often, I am so sorry to hear of your health issues on top of everything. Max2507, my condolences for the loss of your BIL. Here's to courage and the prospect of positive things, and to hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted May 2, 2016 Share Posted May 2, 2016 Hello to my sweet 3 year gang! You literally have been the wind beneath my wings for these past 3 years. I've not managed to take actual flight again yet, but you've kept me standing. I appreciate all of you more than words can say. CBB, big, tight, but gentle hugs to you, honey. You truly have been through so very much. Like someone else mentioned, when I don't hear from people, I hope they are just doing better in life. Please let us know when you're struggling over anything, not just grief. We've formed a bond now and I care very much about so many of you. If I can help in any way, I want to be there for you. I've been off the forum as I've taken the kids away for a few days to the beach. I'm sorry I didn't get to respond to your post sooner. Hugs to each of you dear pillows... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Started this thread almost a month and half ago and in 2 days (Monday) it will be here. I've been reliving while living and it's not going so well. It feels like the circling is spiralling. Its not as bad as last yr so I will hold on to that. Still always find comfort with my pillows! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hugs...these days are so hard...leading up to anniversaries. Sometimes, all I can do is keep breathing. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiet Storm Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Ahhhh. So many familiar names from YWBB. I just joined this site last night. It's nice to be in the company of you all again. Three years seems like 300 years ago, but it also seems like last week to me. I imagine it will be like that forever, though. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Hi QS - who were you on the old board? Welcome to the year three club. I actually had a twinge of nostalgia when I looked back over this and the other three year threads, thinking about where we started and how far we've come and all the ups, downs, triumphs, failures and absurdities and meltdowns and rants in between and even some laughs along the way. There was a time I did not think humor could be a part of this but I was wrong. It is unimaginable to think how I could have survived this without the board (the old and the new) but especially without my 2013ers. At this juncture, I can't imagine ever leaving this forum because I feel so connected and, oddly, invested and I want to know how and what you're all doing. I think that's primarily why I come back at this point. xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 Hey TS, get out of my head!! LOL I can completely relate to your post!! My pillows are always a keystroke away and hope to meet some in Toronto in July!!! When I look back to 2013 I can't imagine its been 3 yrs and we've survived. It's still hard but becoming bearable and I get to see how our fellow 2013'ers are doing. All at different stages and that's ok too! I'm hoping for better things for me this coming year. Nothing specific but a shift in me. Kinda weirds me out at times and kinds makes me have something to look forward to. I could not imagine even thinking this a couple of yrs ago. Thank you to all you pillows for helping my landing to be somewhat softer!! You all rock!4 Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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