Well Here we go Again 🙄

[Sugarbell]

Have been NG for over a year and a half. I have stated before that I have no desire to remarry or live together. I have always known I couldn't live with him and we'll all his junk. The 1962 refinished Greyhound bus..that he had towed to his yard is still sitting there needing the brakes fixed (the widda bus)

 

The Lexus that has never moved because it won't start and he sees no need to get rid of it

The weight bench and furniture sitting at his old house (that he rents out) because he won't even try to sell his old house

The new house with 5 acres...that now he wants to sell because he has 2 mortgages (with no equity). He makes 4 times what I make...yet I have investments..my house is paid off...because financially I have lived conservatively...And he's a financial person for a living.

 

But you see...I overlook these things and say "Not my problem...we don't live together...I am just a good loyal girlfriend".

 

Until his lack of knowing how to take care of things affected my world.

 

My son was coming up Sunday to mow. He stripes the lawn...had a lawn business..he's very particular about it just like his Dad. I told NG "Don't touch the lawn..son is coming to mow it"

 

When I pulled in to after picking up my kid...my 13 yr old son was mortified "Mom what happened to our lawn??? Look at it"

 

He butchered it...like on the lowest blade...too short...grass still wet...my yard was scalped and the front lawn looks like some one was driving donuts through it. Worst part...he didn't even realize how bad it looked. I ran to backyard and made him get off the tractor...he didn't get it. I explained clearly...didn't sink in.

And he got a flat tire on the tractor...my son spent 2 hours changing it...NG acted like he was helping but really didn't have a clue.

 

He got my kids a basketball hoop/stand for Xmas. In a box unassembled...my 13 year old son put it together. He was clueless.

 

My realtor pulled up last night...her response "omg what happened to your lawn???"--Its that obvious.

 

Right now I am just totally turned off...like a light switch just went off. And now he's wanting to come around more cause he knows I am pushing back. Right now...he just gets in the way on weekends...and actually makes more work for me.

 

Sigh here we go. Hope I don't drag this out another 6 months which has always been my pattern-I can't end things quickly

 

This might be the deal breaker. This is why I move slow with things.

 

Really I just want him to disappear until I get my house sold and us moved into new house.

[Portside]

SB, it appears to me that deep down you know this isn't a great match.

 

When someone's negatives outweigh the positives, well. . . . . you know.

 

Pull the trigger Hon.  :-\

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow SB how could he not see what he did to your lawn?  That's kind of bizarre.  Don't really have anything to offer but a virtual hug!

[Mizpah]

That's frustrating for sure.  I'm sorry.  The ineptitude and passiveness and obliviousness - I don't know you, but from what you post you seem supercompetent and together and strong and capable.  Feeling like someone is dead weight is just so frustrating.  (Maybe if you don't have second thoughts, you should give yourself the time limit of trying to force yourself to do it before the grass reaches normal length again, hahahaha.  Sorry.  Comic relief?)  Ugh.  When's the easy part?!!!!

 

Edited to add: P.S. Greyhound bus in his yard?????  Oh, NG. 

[Trying]

How totally frustrating!  This is an extremely stressful time for you with preparing to sell the house and I understand the need to have things looking their best and getting things done on time and done properly.  I'm not sure you need to jump ship just yet, I know that when I was selling my house and moving last year everything annoyed me and I had no patience with anyone. At least he wants to help you, maybe he needs some guidance of what would actually be helpful.

 

The good news about the lawn is that the grass will grow and hopefully all evidence of his incompetence will be gone.

[Captains wife]

That sounds very very frustrating for sure - but I am guessing he meant well and was trying to help.....But part of this dating process is figuring out what you can and cant deal with in a relationship. You do sound super independent and on top of things - it may be that it is too difficult to be with someone who seems a little haphazard about things. But from your other posts he also sounds like a good boyfriend to you and maybe you just need to be clearer about the boundaries (ie. please don't do stuff when I ask you not to) ? Maybe take some space if you need it, and explain that you have a lot of things on your plate you need to deal with - that could also give you some reflection time? All the best....this Chapter 2 stuff is tough. 

[mmg19]

Sorry, Comic relief only.  Thinking Sanford & Son from the 70"s sitcom in your description of his abode.

[Sugarbell]

Space is what I need yes. He is a good boyfriend...but couldn't live with or marry him: But marriage isn't something that's on my radar so I have been fine with it. And he lives an hour away.

 

He's been pushing more serious stuff lately...and I have been pushing back. When I move we will be 30 minutes away...and I think he feels insecure/threatened with me moving to my hometown because I know everyone there. He's never said just a feeling a get.

 

Sanford and son...he's well on his way. lol...His office at work is so bad (and it's a huge office) that he always goes out for business meeting elsewhere. Never holds them in his office:

 

He's successful and smart...common sense and common sense life skills--majorly lacking. He just buys more. Car breaks down..buys a new one instead of fixing it...leaves old one sitting.

 

I don't think I can keep doing this. My kids like him because he takes them out to eat/movies whatever every weekend: I am not a neat freak with the yard...and to anyone ...the mud donuts just look horrible. When he got me a new bed....he left the mattresses in my garage...he has a large truck...after months of me saying "I have to get these mattresses out of here he took the mattress...left the box spring .. my contractor finally hauled away my box springs.

 

I am really trying to simplify my life..smaller home smaller yard. When he's here at my house lately:..I feel crowded. Like his big bags of clothes are everywhere and I feel myself more stressed when he's here.

 

He's a decent guy though...I just don't think we are life long...or even exclusive dating long term compatible...especially when I move closer and he will be around more than once a week: Makes me feel like I can't breath.

[Mizpah]

Sounds like you know you need to cut it off.  I'm sorry.  He sounds like a sweet guy.  I wish he were more what you needed/wanted and less a mess.    Thinking of you.

[Guest TooSoon]

Just to play devil's advocate here: do you think maybe you should move first, get settled and then decide?  Maybe adding another big decision at the moment isn't the best idea, says she who is unable to make any decisions....glad to hear the move is imminent and that's at least coming together! 

[MrsDan]

Honestly? I really don’t quite understand why this is that big a deal. It’s grass. It will grow back. I understand you are under the gun to try to sell, but it sounds like he was trying to do something nice for you. What is it exactly that makes this a deal breaker? Are you more bothered by the fact that he didn’t respect your boundaries, or the fact that he lacks competencies in things that are important to you?

 

I really have a hard time understanding the desire to be in a relationship with someone and then keeping him or her at arm’s length. But I guess that’s what works for some people, but only if they are on the same page, and it doesn’t sound like you are. But I think the bigger problem is that you don’t seem to particularly respect this man. I don’t mean that as a criticism. It just seems like he lacks traits and abilities that you find significant and attractive and it’s lowering your opinion of him.

 

Nobody’s perfect, but are those imperfections really worth focusing on? Both Dan and BF are pretty messy. I grew up in a VERY messy house, so it’s a bit of an issue for me. Dan and I fought about it a lot, and now I regret that. I mean, I think he could have been more sensitive, but I could have seen it more as a tradeoff for being with a brilliant wonderful man, instead of trying to change it. I’m making the conscious decision this time around to do that, to focus on this wonderful person. Because after Dan died, all the things that bothered me just no longer mattered.

 

I think it’s worth evaluating what’s really important to you, then taking a second look at whether those things matter more to you than this man does. If they do, then I think the fair thing is to break it off. But really think about it. And I think TS makes a valid point about tabling a final decision until the stress subsides.

 

[daysofelijah]

Sorry it's not working out for you and he's not getting what the deal is. It sounds like you are getting frustrated with the things that bother you about him and that may be the beginning of the end, but you seeing it and accepting it may be a good thing for you.

 

My NG has tons of sh*t all over his yard too, multiple cars and sheds full of crap. I do want to get married in the next year or so, but I'm gradually making it very clear to him that I will not live there. He will probably end up renting out his house because he really doesn't want to sell it. It is frustrating, but I also love him for the work he puts into things he collects. Sure he collects junk, but he also uses it and works on it and sells or trades things to get the new things he wants rather than spend money he doesn't have. That could be the difference btwn him and your guy, it sounds like your guy doesn't know how or doesn't want to work on the crap he has. Sorry he didn't listen to your instructions about the yard too!

 

 

[Sugarbell]

And in reality I won't make a decision until life calms down and we move.

 

I don't think I am stringing him along and keeping him at arms length. From the beginning we have been on the same page about no marriage not living together. He suddenly changed in the past 6 weeks. I haven't. I respect his mind, his humor. No..I don't respect his life skills. It's more than mowing grass...I think that was the cherry on the sundae....things have been stewing in my mind for a year. I have worked too hard and watched every penny to now have my current house paid off in full (as of last night). we don't waste money.. I  am frugal at times. He has no equity...has a second mortgage on old house...no down payment on new home. He makes the hefty mortgage payments..but if they both sold tomorrow-he wouldn't have much to show for it. But living separately it wasn't an issue...he has hinted around that if I would live with him a could've bought a huge house with his income (and my down payment).i bought a modest house that I can pay off in cash...so I will have more cash flow for the kids down the road.

 

It's not just grass....it's a way of life. And this is why 50 percent of marriages fail or people have miserable marriages because they don't work through this shit before they get married. Sorry lolly pops, unicorns and lust doesn't cut it in the long run. (It's nice if you keep that too...but practical stuff you need to be on the same page).

 

So...maybe I don't respect his life choices...with how he takes care of what he has, accumulating junk, etc. I won't apologize for having my standards high...I am picky...been down the desperate road of feeling like I needed a husband....that marriage lasted 5 months.

 

I finally got my shit together...if I ever commit to someone as in marriage again...I expect them to have theirs together too. I worked too hard to still be standing healthy, secure with happy kids.

 

Settling...never again.

[BrokenHeart2]

Good for you SB. I feel the same way. Congrats on paying off your mortgage!!  That payment is gone! Yay!

Hugs

[Trying]

SB you have worked so hard to get your shit together and to secure a stable future for your kids and yourself so I can see where this difference in financial responsibility would make you pull back.  I have dealt with my loss similarly to you.  There was so much that was out of my control when I lost Tim but I can control my finances and my spending.  Tim was a spender, needed the biggest and the best of everything.  I don't need all of that and I'm working hard to structure my life so that money is one worry I can put towards the bottom of the list.  My boyfriend has less financial security than I do but he is very frugal and I find that easier to live with than someone who earns more but makes poor choices. 

 

I don't see you as ever settling again.  Keep your focus on your goals and once you are settled in I think you will be able to see if he fits into your future or not. 

[Mizpah]

I don't respect his life skills. It's more than mowing grass...

 

It's not just grass....it's a way of life.

 

So...maybe I don't respect his life choices...with how he takes care of what he has, accumulating junk, etc. I won't apologize for having my standards high...I am picky...been down the desperate road of feeling like I needed a husband....

 

I finally got my shit together...if I ever commit to someone as in marriage again...I expect them to have theirs together too. I worked too hard 

 

Settling...never again.

 

Yes yes yes yes yes. 

[MrsDan]

I'm sorry if I offended you; I think perhaps I didn't really word things very well. You don't need to apologize for high standards.  What I meant was that it doesn't seem like he meets your standards. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying that before you end the relationship, it's worth evaluating whether those standards outweigh your feelings for him. If they do, then it probably isn't a good match.

 

I've no illusions that lollypops and unicorns can carry the day. It's impossible to be that idealistic as a substance abuse widow. I guess what I'm saying is that my experience of widowhood has realigned my priorities, and that informs how I approach my relationships. It seems it has for you, just in a different direction. I did not mean to impose my experiences on you.

 

I have tried, my whole life, to get my shit together. I couldn't do it before Dan died, so I think it's pretty hopeless now. I mean, I work really hard, and I'm fairly intelligent, but I feel like I just can't get it together and get everything done. Earlier on in our relationship, BF said this time around, he was looking for someone who really had their shit together and I thought, "Uh Oh." But what he meant is he wanted someone on a solid career path who could take care of herself. Turns out, he actually shares some of the same ways I consider myself not having my shit together. It was huge relief to me. Dan was the same way. My point is, I don't know if I could handle being with someone who had their shit together, so I can imagine it works the other way too, that being with someone who doesn't have their shit together would be hard.

 

Apologies for my comment on the grass; maybe my attitude is the reason my lawn looks the way it does.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Wow seems so many opinions. If you like the company of the guy, see him.

If not, leave. No talk of marriage if that's not what you're into.

 

Simple.

[Sugarbell]

No worries Mrs Dan...I am wound pretty tight right now with stress overload.

My post sounded hateful even though o didn't realize it.

Think I am just really spread too thin right now:😂

[trying2breathe]

SB  You're dealing with a lot right now - maybe you can give NG a bit of a break and make decisions later.  The grass would bug the crap out of me too - it does seem minor in comparison to a caring loving person in your life though. 

 

 

Good luck with your move

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I remember a colleague of mine getting a phone call from her boyfriend Lee.  She kept telling him not to bother with something, she'd do it later.  She hung up the phone and explained Lee wanted to trim the hedges with the electric hedge trimmer, but the hedge trimmer is hard to handle if your not used to it.  She was used to it, and Lee wasn't. 

 

A few minutes go by, and she gets another call from Lee.  She talking more quietly now, and...it's not good. She hung up the phone. There was a pause.  "He cut through my new fifty-foot extension cord."

 

They didn't break up right then, but those of us in the room sensed it was the beginning of the end for Lee. It's not just the error, it's that someone had to cross the boundary laid down to commit the error. 

 

It IS just grass, but the fact is, you asked that he let it be, and someone else was slated for that task. 

[Guest nonesuch]

Wow SB how could he not see what he did to your lawn?  That's kind of bizarre.

 

Ahem. The first time I mowed the lawn i was so proud of myself.  The next morning I looked out and the effect was less than inspiring.  I'd missed a lot of spots, for instance.  In the zeal to git 'r done, many errors can be made.

[Sugarbell]

Definitely more distance lately....he's not stupid...he will slowly move himself away before he risks me "dumping him". He's as non commital as me...Except his daughter just graduated college and admits that he's had empty nest syndrome.

 

He's 53...I am 45....But I do outdoor things a lot...He doesn't camp, or rough it..Last summer on vacation he did struggle to keep up with us (and he's active and in decent shape by WV standards) I am planning a memorial weekend getaway to mountains...great deal at a farmhouse (communal bathrooms though but like a rustic bed and breakfast).. only 65 a night for 4 of us including breakfast. He wouldn't be into it..he would go and try...but I would be worried about him all weekend and wouldn't have a good time.

 

Starting to feel crowded when he's around with us...not a good sign.

 

It will fade...he will let it fade...but he's a great guy...just don't think we are that compatible.

 

But it will fade over months....Damn.

[Captains wife]

Sorry- it sucks when Chapter 2 relationships have a great start then you realize over time it's just not going to work. Hope you guys can have a civilized conversation about it at some point-breaking up is tough on both parties : (

[Trying]

I think it must be hard when some things click and other fundamentals don't.  Regardless of how this turns out it seems to me like this was a positive relationship for the time it has lasted.  Hopefully it fades out peacefully and amicably.  Never easy no matter how it ends.