The person I would have been

[hikermom]

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I will hit four years in August and I am a completely different person than I was at this time in 2012. There are some fundamental things that don't change - values,my love for Chinese food  , my general inability to keep my car interior clean - but otherwise there has been a pretty major change to whom I am as a person.

 

Most of it is actually for the better. I don't get overwhelmed by work "crises." In fact, what people consider a crisis barely registers as a bleep on my radar. 4 years ago that wouldn't have been the case. In many ways, this makes me a better leader at work. 

 

I think I have greater patience for people. I feel more confident in myself - my abilities. These good things certainly didn't happen overnight but they did happen.

 

Some things are for the worse. My husband died unexpectedly while biking. I think I have PTSD because when my daughter is late getting dropped off, I have close to a panic attack. I'm more of a control freak about my daughter than I was before. I have become an over-the-top scheduler - like down to the minute with multiple back-ups, particularly when I'm going away for work and she is staying with a sitter. But try to avoid the helicopter mom thing  - I try to hide this panic and need to control what I know is so beyond my control.

 

But truly - in most ways - I like the person I am now so much better. When I'm happy, I feel it more than I did before. There is always a tinge of grief and sorrow, but I feel more aware and cognizant of so much.

 

Like all things grief related, this is a double-edged sword, this new person that I am. I like her better, she is much stronger, she's pretty amazing in many ways. But I wish my husband could have known her - he would have been proud and amazed and awed.

 

It is tragic that death is the event that made it happen.

[Needytoo]

You go girl!! 

 

I feel the same, I am different with a few wrinkles that I am still working on. I too have to schedule things down to the minute as well.  I find it interesting you do as well.  I started it at first because I couldn't remember things, now I do it so I know what to look forward in the week and also make sure I get things done.

[Wheelerswife]

Like all things grief related, this is a double-edged sword, this new person that I am. I like her better, she is much stronger, she's pretty amazing in many ways. But I wish my husband could have known her - he would have been proud and amazed and awed.

 

It is tragic that death is the event that made it happen.

 

Well, you are pretty amazing!  You have managed so many things, between changes, your work, raising your wonderful daughter, juggling it all...but you were already pretty amazing, Hikermom.  It is, though, quite tragic that your husband's death became the trigger for so much growth.

 

I think this happened after my first husband's death.  I can't say that I think my second husband's death has brought me the same kind of growth.  Maybe it will in time, and I hope so, because I hope that something positive can come out of that loss. 

 

Kudos to you.  I know your husband would be proud and proud of your darling daughter, too!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Jess]

Most of it is actually for the better. I don't get overwhelmed by work "crises." In fact, what people consider a crisis barely registers as a bleep on my radar. 4 years ago that wouldn't have been the case. In many ways, this makes me a better leader at work. 

 

Your entire post was wonderful, but this part stuck out to me because my coworkers ask me all the time "How do you stay so calm?" My answer is typically "This is a high priority, all hands on deck situation, but it is not life and death." It has made me better at handling fires because I don'the stress and thus has made me a better employee overall.

 

Thank you for posting the good and the bad. I can relate to a lot of it. I too wish my husband could see the person I am becoming. I have no doubt your husband would be so proud of you.

[Trying]

I think it's important that recognize the positive changes in you in response to your loss.  I think it's hard to admit that certain good things have come out of tragedy but I am starting to see them in me too.  Of course I would happily go back to the old me if it meant I could have Tim back but that is not an option. 

 

You are an amazing role model to your daughter so those few quirks and control issues are nothing compared to all the amazing things you do. 

[mmg19]

Thanks for sharing the good and the bad.  You have really been a great role model for your daughter and are amazing. 

 

After 3 years I like myself better when it comes to caring and valuing friends and family.  Related to the tendency to micro-manage but I too have to keep a schedule and times down to the minute. 

[Catnip]

Hi Hikermom! Good to hear from you!

 

Wonderful post. I guess this shows that tragedy can somehow make us stronger.

 

Altho it was not my choice, I guess that goes for me, too. Of course maybe it's an age thing too, being that it's 9+ years now for me. Is this called wisdom in getting older?  I can now choose what I deem necessary to react to and most of it I say "Pfft" and move on. Life is so full that now I appreciate the good when it comes along. I believe my faith has gotten much stronger in that I no longer feel entirely abandoned anymore. God is with me.

 

Peace to you and your daughter,

~Catnip

[Guest April]

I love this!!  I can relate in so many ways.. from how I view a "crisis".. to sheer panic when it comes to one of my kids not being on time or not answering their phone.. or even the sound of sirens drives me to panic mode.

 

I think your husband is very proud of you.

 

Thank you for sharing.

[Sugarbell]

Great post!

 

I am by far a better person NOW (8.5 years later). However the first few years was much worse...I became a closet drug addict.

 

I would've been more selfish more judgey...and probably more Stepfordy (-although not to the extent of some). I wouldn't be the Mom I am now. I would've been a good average Mom sure...but I have far exceeded my own expectations (even he died).

 

I wouldn't be as adventurous or as open minded.

 

I wouldn't be as gutsy and I know I wouldn't cherish everyday I am Alive like I do now.

 

i would've Been more career/money/big house motivated like so many here.

 

I wouldn't have the empathy I have now. I wouldn't be into spiritual type gifts...I would probably just look at "this earth world" instead of spirit world.

 

Better??? I dunno....it is what it is...I am happy with what I have evolved into. But it's certainly not a journey for the weak.

[kjs1989]

Hikermom, we lost our husbands just two months apart, both to tragic circumstances while doing something they loved.

 

I can so relate to your post. I, too, think I have PTSD  with accompanying anxiety which is unbearable at times. Mine strikes whenever my kids drive anywhere. When my 19 year old daughter gets in the car to make the three hour drive back to college it is brutal for me. I watch the clock and have it timed  almost down  to the minute that she should be pulling into the sorority house parking lot. If I don't hear from her right away, I call. If she is busy unloading stuff and doesn't answer right away my anxiety goes into overdrive. Not cool.

 

But yes, also like you I have become so much stronger in other ways. I think my husband would like me better. Yes, he loved me, but I truly think he would LIKE me better now. I am much more rational about other aspects of my life even with the anxiety episodes.  I don't sweat the small stuff. I have keener insights.  I don't suffer fools easily. I have become assertive. I feel more deeply.

 

Thanks for this post.

[Guest TooSoon]

HM - what a journey this has been...and is.  On Monday night I got word that I was turned down for "The" promotion at work - the last one, the big one, the one that carries with it the raise I really could use (full professor)....I was in Rome doing the research I was told by the promotion committee was invalid with four of my students.  That night I will admit I was pissed and I cried (more out of exhaustion probably than anything else), but then I just let it go, knowing in my heart finally at 44 not to put my self worth in other people's hands and not to get dragged down by the things I cannot control and got back to the work I love and showing my students the city that I love.  While it has probably been confusing and confounding for people who knew me "before," I'm inexorably changed and a very different person than I used to be, especially professionally.  I feel lighter now, more free and more comfortable in my own skin.  I know what matters to me now.  I don't always succeed in being a picture of grace and balance and don't always feel like one but time has new meaning now and I'm not going to waste it worrying about things that don't matter or aren't in my realm of control.  It's been difficult this letting go of the control I always thought I had but like kjs says below, I think my husband would also LIKE me a lot more now; I like myself more now. I suppose it is another gift his death gave me; in facing the unimaginable, I had to face myself.  xoxox

[canadiangirl]

Nice to see you, Hikermom. I appreciate the thoughtful post and aspire to get to the place you are.  I agree totally about the ability to let work "crises" roll off my back, and that has been a win. Sadly, the PTSD has been some baggage here too.  Wishing you the best.

[Nuggets]

Hikermom, this is an awesome post, and the replies compliment so well.... so much of it resonates with me and of course, some doesn't - because all of our experiences are so unique. 

 

Crises Schmises:  I sure get that one!  I've had a couple incidents where it would have been easy to set my hair on fire and be in full blown crisis - however, instead of doing that I said: 'How does this compare to holding a person that I loved deeply and profoundly as he pulled in his last breath?'

Funny thing is that the answer always turned out to be:  'Ummm, not even worth asking that question - deal, get it behind you and I bet you still make last call for Happy Hour.'

 

Over Planner:  In my 'Other Life' I was an over planner, now I am so relaxed and casual that it's frustrating for some people around me... unless it means:  'Life or Death', 'electricity service will cease' or 'Police and other first responders are on their way' --- I will likely not make plans for it.  I will make plans for an Aretha Franklin performance if I ever get the opportunity -- then I'm going back to this.  It has been liberating.

 

Empathy:  I feel deeper than I ever did for strangers... a cancer diagnosis - I know the challenges that EVERYONE will face, a sudden accident - I know the trauma and shock the survivors will be experiencing, etc.  And of course, it is extra painful if these types of things happen to friends, family and acquaintances. 

 

Life & Living Quality:  I believe that dying isn't the worst thing that can happen to me.  I am far more troubled about not living the best life I can, or having opportunities removed or put out of reach. 

 

I hope we all continue to find peace and acceptance on this journey ~~ it's not for the timid.

[tybec]

THANK you, HM, for this post.  I, too, have been introspective about this.  I started dating, and have told NG I am not the woman I was.  I think he gets nervous about that sometimes, but I explain that I changed to appreciate my time.  I didn't realize what a workaholic I was, how I missed milestones in my only son's life due to work, helping OTHER's children.  I thought I was so important in my job, but when I left almost two yrs. ago due to work requirements they KNEW I couldn't fulfill as an only parent, nothing.  Life continued at my job.  I realized so much I wasn't irreplaceable anywhere but in my circle of people that mattered.  My NG teases me about being a deprived woman, which was true  :, but the reality that I took so much for granted and that I need to appreciate my time with him, others, is the real truth.  He understands now. I realized what a hypocrite I was in many ways. I am a kid therapist, trauma specialist, and I would tell people to care for themselves, prioritize time, yet I wasn't doing it myself.  I live frugally, and work 2 days a week in private practice, and I can do this, thankfully. This terrible lesson made me get off the hamster wheel.  I would not change this lesson, as I can seep quickly into the old me, but remind myself, my child needs me healthy and mindful more than anyone else's.  And I matter. 

I struggle with the trauma, still, being very psychosomatic. Car accident.  I am considering EMDR, something in 2003 had no research to support.  The VA uses it now consistently, and I have a colleague trained.  So, may sit on the other side of the room and try this.  Every medical test I have had in the last 4 years for something has come up fine, thankfully, so my brain and body miss a connection somewhere.  Anyhow, get the trauma aspect, but I don't have PTSD, and I am grateful for that.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[widowat33]

I can relate to this post in so many ways.

For the past two years I have been working so hard on becoming more self aware and self confident.

I have changed in so many ways. I'm more relaxed, less serious about life..my core values have not changed but my outlook certainly has. I think it takes death to realize what is truly important. To really appreciate what you have instead of what you don't have.

He loved me, but I think he would've loved this new me even more. I wish he was here to see all I've accomplished and how I've changed.

Thank you for this post!

[hikermom]

Wow - such great comments! I don't come here as often as I did YWBB but love the community when I do. Each and every reply had something that resonated with me. Thank you all. It helps.