surviving a breakup advice

[klim]

So as of last night we've broken it off. It hurts.

 

I'm not even convinced it will be permanent but it wasn't working the way it was.

 

It was 100% good, 80% of the time. As previously mentioned we were good to each other, shared great experiences ...he just had a ghost of a former girlfreind haunting his head. He tried to exorcise it , to banish it...tell himself nothing was there but it always took up space in his head and he felt like he was lying. He was always in fear that he couldn't get it under control( and he couldn't) and hurt me ( and he did, but I wasn't blindsided( i knew he was fighting demons in his head). He says it's not logical, agreed ...we were a good fit. For me it wasn't 100% good because I was aware of this and felt uncertain. Not a good way to feel. When either of us chased the ghost away it was great,but that wasn't always possible.

 

So how do I make this work.....I'm missing what was has been my constant for the past few years. I'm sad

because so much of it was good .

 

And there was definitely a flashback last night when we were saying goodbye as I left. He had me wrapped in his arms saying goodbye and it brought back the idea that the only other man to wrap me in his arms in the same caring loving way was also gone.And dh died suddenly so I didn't  get a goodbye hug from him.

 

Shit today is happening...I gotta get up and get to work.

 

[Trying]

Oh Klim I am so very sorry, this must be so hard.  It seems like the right thing to do, you deserve to be the one and only in a man's thoughts but that doesn't change the pain of walking away from an otherwise good man.  Feel free to pm me any time if you need some support.  Big tight hugs.

[Captains wife]

I'm so sorry...I just finished commenting on your other post. Having just gone through a painful break up as of end Jan (after a 20 month relationship) I understand what you are going through now - and it sucks. Here is what I did to help me through. It still hurts now but I feel MUCH better than a few months ago. 1. Read some self help books - I liked "getting past your breakup" and "it's called a break up because it's broken". 2. Increased visits with my grief therapist so I could talk and cry about it. 3. Find a break up buddy. This is someone or a few people you can contact when you need support. I really believe in the no contact rule (at least 30 days or 90 days preferably) so if there are moments you feel you must talk to him, reach out to your break up buddies. (Feel free to message me if you like!), 4. Find ways to keep busy - for me it was work, my son and going to the gym as well as finding other social outlets. 5. Refrain from dating for a period - it's tempting to jump right back in but you need a grieving period as it's tough. I posted some articles on this - we get "physically addicted" to people so part of the break up process is getting through the physical withdrawal (which also includes emotional). 6. Vent - here for example if you need to get stuff out of your head. 7. If you are having a bad day make sure you spoil yourself - take time from work, go to the spa, retail therapy, stay in bed and watch tv and have a good cry if you need to. Sending hugs your way....

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry.  Breakups hurt so much.  I think this is a positive move for you, but that doesn't make the hurting any better.  As for getting through it, I agree about therapy.  Seeing friends.  For me, having something to look forward to is key.  So maybe plan something, or give yourself something to work toward?  It will give you a focus, other than looking back.  What makes you feel good?  Do that.  We're creatures, and I find that being active and being outdoors in sunshine makes things feel better.  On weekends when I was down and lonely,  and be tempted to isolate, I'd force myself to go sit in a park - among people, outside.  Hey, better than sitting inside alone?  And write - we're all here to cheer you on.  My heart's with you.   

 

Edited to add: For me, not being in contact with an ex is the biggest part of moving on.  When I've been in contact, I've stayed in a hopeful state.  When there's communication, there's still an "us" to hold onto.  As soon as I've cut off contact (whether temporarily or permanently), I've made huge strides in moving forward and healing. 

[Taurus]

If you're not convinced it's not permanent, you haven't called it off in your mind...and you're only setting yourself up for more heartache.

 

Make the hard call now and cut it off totally and move on. He hasn't moved on from his ex: you've been a convenient refuge for him to see whether he could move on but he clearly can't.

 

 

Take the hit now. Tough but necessary for your future well-being.

[Sugarbell]

Erase him number and texts so you aren't tempted to contact him. Once the numbers are deleted-you won't be tempted to call at a weak moment. No contact...

Take mini trips to stay busy and keep mind occupied. Do things that make you feel good...feel pretty.

Spend time with other people. First month stay super busy...you are used to the habit of him filling your time...you need to break the habit by staying busy.

 

But I don't think it's over yet...y'all will go back and forth for a while first. (That's where I am too.:.not trying to be a smart ass...)

[Mrskro]

Klim;

 

I'm so sorry.  Breakups suck especially when it seems for the most part you had a pretty good relationship.

 

I agree with the others, breaking off contact seems like the way to go for now.  See if he can figure his past out. 

 

Take care of you for now though.    HUGS

 

 

[daysofelijah]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to say I think you are strong to have made the right choice for you right now. (((HUGS)))

[mmg19]

I'm so sorry that you need to go through this.  As all said and I repeat NO CONTACT.  Prolonging the inevitable and causing emotional turmoil is what you do not need to process and move forward.  Resist the urge to text a friendly caring comment or to respond to one he may send.  Sounds simple but I have found this is so not in your best interest. 

 

From what you have said your heart is in more in jeopardy than his.  I'm sure he is hurting but your feelings and expectations have taken a major hit.  Protect your heart.  Don't settle for crumbs when your future is at stake.  Sending you hugs and prayers for good days ahead.

[MrsDan]

Ugh, I'm sure it feels totally sucky (even if it is the right move.)

[Captains wife]

Just checking in to make sure you are doing ok....having been post break up a few months ago, I know how much it sucks and its painful. Hope you have lots of other good things going on in your life to move forward for now.

[klim]

Thanks cw I'm trying... ..like you said it's hard...and making it more difficult is  I met him when I was trying to keep myself busy from the loss of my husband. So my keep busy strateiges are pretty much all reminders of him. I joined an outdoors group,hiking biking etc...a good healthy outlet,except now these group remind me of him....and the people in the groups knew we were dating and say "hey where's your plus 1..your partner in crime. We will see we will see......I'm not very good at this by myself stuff.

[Mizpah]

I'm not very good at this by myself stuff.

 

Being good at anything is mainly about familiarity and experience.  Give yourself some time, some patience.  It's a big adjustment.  Breakups are like withdrawals/detox.  Thinking of you!!!!

[mmg19]

Just a brief hello and wanting you to know you have amazing qualities.(Honesty, humility, and kindness always emerge from your posts.)  Wishing you a peaceful day.

[Trying]

Thinking of you as you face this difficult challenge and mend your heart.  It sounds like you need some new activities or adventures to distract you, have some patience with yourself in finding your way.

[klim]

Going to try this ....you don't even have to read it  I just really to vent .... someone suggested this so you are going to get the rant. Honestly you don't have to read just acknowledge.

 

it's the middle of the night here my head is buzzing. I hate and I hurt. I hate that I let myself fall for a guy who I knew was not entirely emotionally available. I hate that he did really enjoy me  and perhaps at some level love me but couldn't get past his ex girlfriend. I really really hate that he started contacting her near the end...yes I found that out when we were breaking up., I hate that although he says he doesn't know what he is going t do moving forward I think he is going back to her and I am all alone. That seems majorly unfair.I hate that he could not recognize how good I am. I hate that if he ,who by my own judgement was a pretty good guy, couldn't see it , how am I going to find someone to love me.

I fear being alone. probably now more than when my husband died. When my dh died I had one mission and that was to ensure my kids came through it all right...that gave me purpose and direction. Now I can just wallow and fret and fear. I fear I won't find any guy that at this stage of life is not broken. I am so not strong

I'm sad and mad, confused and really really tired( it is the middle of the night)

 

I want to text him and tell him he really messed me up....the thing is he knows that and cried about that when we were breaking up ...so screwed up. when I hurt he hurts but he is the one causing the hurt. crazyland.

 

k vent over for now maybe now i can sleep. thanks for listening or at least pretending to .

[Trying]

My heart goes out to you.  This one guy and his issues is no reflection on you, how lovable you are, or what a wonderful partner you make.  This is his issue.  I know that this won't change the hurt you are feeling but it does mean that you have no reason to lose hope for your future.  There are good and available men out there who are looking for someone amazing just like you.  After your heart has time to heal I have no doubt that you can find someone to share your life with, if that is what you want.  For now, just be patient and gentle with yourself.  Keep yourself busy but give yourself time to be sad.

 

Vent away anytime.

[momtokam]

I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now...

 

You are an amazing woman, please never forget that. Vent, yell, scream, let it out...It's completely ok.

He knows how good you are and that is why he was with you. Just because he has issues letting go of his ex, is no reflection on you. It is his issue, and his issue alone.

 

Yes, it hurts and sucks, it is not what you hoped for.

 

I try to believe that people come into our lives for a reason. They teach us things about ourselves and about what is good and bad in our world. You have learned that you can love again and let yourself be loved. That is a huge lesson after what we have been through. You have learned what you can accept  and not accept in a relationship. You have learned that you can move beyond the sadness. And you will again, I have no doubt.

 

You can take all this forward and know you are strong and amazing and the right man will  cherish all of you, as you need hIm too. He just wasn't this man, and that is ok.

 

Vent away as much as you need...Sending you huge hugs.

 

 

[mmg19]

I'm so sorry.  No advice, no comments other than please be kind to yourself.  Breaking up is hard to do whatever the circumstances.  Vent away as you mend your heart.

 

[RobFTC]

Hi klim,

 

I am sorry you're struggling.  I don't know if this can help, but I think many promising relationships that fail are no reflection whatsoever about the quality of one or both people, but more about fit and circumstances.  He was not over his ex, and that made him the wrong fit for a whole lot of people, and I am glad you know that now.  You're a good woman who can light up someone else's life.  I won't blow sunshine up your skirt on it being easy to find a good fit like that (you may know my history!), but there's a good person out there.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[ladybug]

So very sorry you are going through  a breakup.  It is always painful.

 

I went through one last fall.  It hurts for a while and then it does get better. 

 

Sending you good thoughts for the day ahead.

[klim]

Thanks for the support folks....just got myself worked up there the other night....always worse when I'm over tired...I lose the logical part of my brain first and the emotional part takes over when I'm tired.

 

Day light and a good sleep last night and life looks doable again.

 

Up ...down...up down. life's a roller coaster.

 

ps . I really do appreciate this online connection.I don't reach out to people in real life. To them I will appear strong. Here with some anonimity I let go a little more.Thanks for that opportunity.

[Captains wife]

klim - please vent away. At least we all get it. When I tried to vent about my ex to some friends, there was limited sympathy.

 

We try and see the best in our new partners and it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out/they move on. Seriously - his loss.....and he will eventually realize how much he screwed up. I was on a roller coaster ride with my ex for a year and a half and even 4 months on from our horrendous break up...it still hurts that it didn't work out...and that I didn't get any closure. Honestly, I would give anything to punch my ex in the face for the way he hurt me and I really wish I could yell at him, with all the things in my head.  Agreed its worse when you are tired, things aren't going well generally.

 

But its amazing how we can pick ourselves up and move on, even after such loss....Sending you lots of support. Every day will get easier, especially when you have space. Remember...don't initiate contact : )  The 90-day rule.....

 

[klim]

K think I'm glad none of you know me in real life...... I've got a date for Tomorrow night..... if you have been following this breakup I was feeling pretty unlovable/ pretty unsure there were no other fish in the sea......so what's the fix for that ..... go on the dating sites...... to just check things out.

 

Was not going to  meet anyone till July I said to myself, said I.

 

Then ended up chatting to one guy...who knows people I know ...who grew up next door to my cousin... who seems friendly , has kids of similar age to mine......so..... we're meeting for a drink.

Not totally feeling right because , my head is not totally clear of breakup crap......

ooooops....probably should of delayed it but just got caught up in the moment!

[Sugarbell]

Rebound dates (and sometimes sex) is good for your confidence, mood, motivation.

 

Just be careful of the mind screw that usually hits you (or him) later. Guard your heart...and guard potential dates hearts. But some either become great friends, great loves..or never talk again after one date. I have heard it all.

 

Just glad you feel better...We are here...I get it..trust me...living it right now too.🙄😂