I hate my life

[Jen]

There. I said it. I hate my life-- I am lonely, I am unfulfilled, I am burned out at my job, I am frustrated with my children, and I'm tired of of living with my mother. It occurred to me that I am in almost exactly the same place I was TWENTY DAMN YEARS ago, when I rushed into a poorly considered marriage just to have an excuse to move out, except now I have 3 kids. I want out, I want to go elsewhere-- and when I said so, Mama's response was to shrug and say, "I'll live anywhere, as long as someone else does the packing and moving."

 

I don't want to be the dutiful daughter anymore. I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to be me! Something has to change, but I don't know what it is... I'm climbing the walls, I want OUT.  :-[

[Amor]

Oh Jen,

This is so unfair, having the love of our lives ripped from us way to short of time together and stuck on this side of of darkness and despair.  Losing who we were to become someone we never wanted to be.  But we are here.  Change what we can, try to accept what we can not change (do not have to like it), and know the difference.  That quote I hope can get some out of the darkness or despair. 

Jobs can be changed. I did this same type of job different environment with people not knowing my past helped some. 

Moving away from your mom is possible.  Did this pros and cons here.  But I am independent and able to have my time to grieve when I need to without hurting the people around me knowing I am still grieving.  Here I can grieve without people knowing I still am grieving. 

Kids hurt too.  Talk to them.  Let them know you still love them.  Ask them to help you by giving you time to be alone, sad or what you need.  Kids can be a great thing to have around.  See them for who they are.  Let them give you a hug and bring you out of sad times. 

Start looking for who you want to be now when you are ready.  This is a hard journey.  I am struggling with this currently.  How can I live my life and be happy? 

This life does hurt but we can make some changes to make it better. 

Amor

 

[Mrskro]

Oh Jen;

 

I'm so sorry.  I have no advice, I just wanted to let you know I understand.  I feel like I'm stuck, time is marching on and I'm stuck,  I have no idea how to move forward or even what that means.  I'm living a life I didn't want, don't want.

 

Hugs to you! 

[Wheelerswife]

Jen,

 

This widowed life is hard, I know.  Making changes isn't easy, either.  I think one difference between your life and my life is that my career was totally in flux when John died.  I had already left my career in health care 3+ years earlier.  I had been dabbling in school, on my way to another bachelor's degree, but one that gave me lots of good soft skills, but no real sense of direction.  I did what you are doing, which is to put one foot in front of the other each day, and that brought me to finishing that degree.  In the mean time, I did a lot of soul searching, and I'm still doing that.  I only have to look out for myself, and that is another difference - I understand that.

 

But the bottom line is that I hate being miserable and my anxiety has led me to coming to grips with the fact that I need to exercise as much control over my world as I can.  NOT having control (ah, or at least the illusion of control!) is probably my biggest anxiety trigger.  So...doing whatever I can to take control of things has reduced my anxiety from panic attack level to "just" chest pain level most of the time.

 

I get the sense that you experience more of a depression-like state than an anxiety state, and I'm not sure of the potential solutions from that perspective.  Sometimes, I have real difficulty motivating myself to make moves toward what I need to do.  I imagine you feel this paralysis.  What makes the difference for me, I suppose, is that in not making a move, big or small, I end up giving away my own power, and that kicks up my anxiety.  So...my anxiety wins and ends up being a motivator for me.

 

I've been fortunate to be able to continue school, which I have approached as if it were my job.  But...this job ends in December when I get my Masters.  And that reality is motivating me to make more moves this summer.  I'm cleaning out the basement and going through John's things and that is painful, but necessary.  A friend has just arrived to help me with today's chore, which is going through tools.

 

Hang in there.  I know it is hard.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

[Mizpah]

 

I don't want to be the dutiful daughter anymore. I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to be me! Something has to change, but I don't know what it is... I'm climbing the walls, I want OUT.  :-[

 

Jen, my heart breaks for you as I read this and I can feel your frustration.  I had nothing like your responsibilities, but at about two years out, I said to myself out loud, "I need a huge change."  A few months later, I got it.  I hope you find a way to cause some major change, or find some small ways to get what you need - it sounds like, as my therapist put it to me a few weeks ago: "This lifestyle isn't tenable.  It's as if you're starving.  You need to feed yourself."  If only doing it were as easy as saying it!!!!  I don't know the answer, but I am thinking of you with lots of love and compassion. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Something has to change, but I don't know what it is... I'm climbing the walls, I want OUT.  :-[

 

Jen - I've said this before and I will keep saying it.  I empathize because I have been there.  And I ranted and I raved about it and I blasted music on my headphones every night (ok, I still do that) and flailed around and then I started making choices.  Not big, life-altering ones but small ones that, over time, accumulated into a new outlook - not a "brand new life" that erased the past but a new way of living in my present.  It is hard to put into words, really, but I believe all of your expressions of frustration are signs of progress and readying yourself for whatever it is you choose for your future.  I believe in you.  xoxox

[Trying]

I can relate to your need for change, it's where I was last year.  Taking that first step, deciding what you want is the hardest part.  I still have more to go on my career plans and my personal goals but once I started with the first decision the others started coming easier.  The way I looked at, even if I made some wrong choices it couldn't be worse than feeling stagnant and stuck.

 

I know this is not the life you wanted, it's hard and it's lonely.  I hope you find that one thing you can change so the tide starts to turn in a more positive direction for you, you deserve it.

[Jen]

Thank you all for letting me get it out. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it-- I sort of assume you know. Lol.

 

I'm tired of this empty, uncertain life. I don't know what I want, I just know it's not what I have. How do I find out what I really want? Failing that, how do I learn to want what I have?

 

I'm trying. I really am. I've joined a meet up group-- I went for the first time last Thursday night, enjoyed it, and I'm going again tomorrow. I'm auditioning for a new play on Sunday. I've been spending time with my sister and her new baby. I actually had a good day yesterday-- I was almost happy. I went to lunch with my mom and took my kids out for dinner and we had fun. I went to bed marveling at how I hadn't cried once all day long, and I wondered how long it would last. Turns out: not long. I was crying within an hour of getting up this morning.

 

I don't get it. I think you're right, TS-- I think I'm at a crossroads and there's a major shift coming, but I don't know what it is, and that scares me. I want something so different, so unorthodox-- I want to leap, but I don't dare do anything too crazy because of my family. I don't know how to resolve it.

 

So today I'm sad and lonely and hurt again. But yesterday was a good day, and success can be repeated-- right? It's not impossible to think I could have another good day? I'm so sick of feeling like this, I just want to be normal. I'm afraid that this *is* normal now, and always will be.

[Kater]

Jen, my heart goes out to you.  I am not quite 6 months in, and already I am tiring of this new life that I did not choose.  It's a lot and I don't have kids to deal with....I have so much respect for you and everyone that is keeping things going for you and your kids.  Huge props.

 

A number of years ago I was tired of my career choice and I wanted a change.  Of course, there is a lot of uncertainty that goes with that.  Generally, change doesn't bother me but this was big.  I never read the book but someone recommended it to me, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway".  I can't tell you how many times I have said that phrase to myself in situations big or small.  Ultimately, I did quit my job without another to go to at the same time my husband was without a job.  We had saved a bit so we had some time and things worked out.  I now have a job that I love....well, as much as one can love a job I think.  So the risk paid off.  Feel the fear and do it anyway. 

 

Your comment that you don't know what you want, only what you don't want.  I'm not sure that I entirely buy into the Law of Attraction, but I think there is some truth to the idea that what you "put out to the universe" is what you get if only because it becomes the thing we focus on.  Sort of like driving - we look where we want to go.  If you look to the shoulder, you will usually find yourself drifting that way.  i get your question about how do you even find out what you want.  I have had people ask me what I enjoy or like, and I can only answer that I don't know because I feel like I don't know myself anymore.  Many things that I used to enjoy induce anxiety.  I am hoping that will lessen in time.  Maybe it is just about finding small things and setting smallish goals....a savings account of $x built up to give some financial breathing room, to read a particular book that might inspire you, etc, It may shift the momentum of things. 

 

And finally, happiness....I remind myself that happy is an emotion, and emotions change often and swiftly (don't we all know that).  Nobody is happy all of the time.  To find moments of happiness and to recognize them is awesome.

 

Yes, sometimes it takes an extreme restlessness to get us moving toward that new thing - to push past the fear.  It's great that you had a good day, and I wish for you more of them.  I connected with a meetup group and I have enjoyed it a lot.  I still prefer to be with people that know about and can empathize with my situation.  That is a goal for me, to be more comfortable with people that don't know and to be able to know myself as something other than "widow".  It seems to be the only label I wear these days, largely by my choice I think.  In time...in time.

 

Sending positive thoughts and energy your way.  Good luck with the audition! 

 

Kate

[Trying]

Kate I love your post, "feel the fear and do it anyway".  Not how I have lived my life for most of my 47 years but have been trying to do just that this past year with some success.

 

Jen I think the meetup group and audition are great, good luck!  What if you start a journal, sort of like a gratitude journal but more of a happiness and inspiration journal.  You can keep track of moments when you feel joy or inspiration during the week and see if that leads you in a direction of change.  Its ok to dare to be a little crazy

[Guest TooSoon]

I think I'm at a crossroads and there's a major shift coming, but I don't know what it is, and that scares me. I want something so different, so unorthodox-- I want to leap, but I don't dare do anything too crazy because of my family. I don't know how to resolve it.

 

 

Jen, I hope it is a comfort when I say this all sounds so familiar.  So very familiar.  In a good way.  So, for what it is worth:  When I got married, I made some compromises.  I didn't see them as compromises at the time.  I saw them as part of our making a life. 

 

When I got to the point where you seem to be now, I took a good long look at what those compromises were, what I had let go of in order for our life to move forward (I realize I'm being a bit opaque here but stick with me).  I identified a few specific things and I started doing them again.  Then I started doing them a lot.  As I began to own them again, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin and in my life.  Career, motherhood, caregiving, death - they required me to step so far away from myself that I realized that I didn't know who I was anymore - I mean, I did but not a deep down sort of knowing myself.  I had to reclaim that.  It took time to get used to it - more letting go, more adjusting.  But it has been worth it.  Not to sound all sappy and new agey but it seems like, in my case, it was an important part of the process of coming around, of accepting then and now.  Not sure if this makes sense. 

 

I'm thrilled you're going to another audition and I like Trying's idea of a journal.  It is easy to forget that there is much that is good in our lives, happinesses that are small and easily eclipsed by the dangerous "big picture."  A journal might not only help you track happy moments but give insight into WHAT it is that makes you happy and perhaps that might help propel you forward into figuring out what needs changing.  How can we be happy without a firm sense of WHAT not just when. 

 

Like you, big crazy life-altering changes are not my style and not my reality.  But they don't have to be because in aggregate making small changes can, over time, result in the same thing. 

 

You do not have to be nurse forever just like I don't have to be a professor forever.  Not if we don't want to so start thinking about what might make sense for you.  It is like the quitting smoking metaphor, the first step is preparing yourself to do it.  If a career change is what you want, then start the mental preparation phase.  I know this isn't the end of the road for me career wise.  And I have no idea where I will land professionally but I have made my peace with it and am considering what all of the potential alternate scenarios might look like.  You do not have to be stuck, but, in my opinion, when you're in professions like ours, you need to let the idea of leaving percolate for a while, conjuring at the same time where you can envision yourself in 5 years time and what you want to be doing.

 

And, just reminding you, too, that I still believe in you!  xoxox

[Mizpah]

I'm trying. I really am. I've joined a meet up group-- I went for the first time last Thursday night, enjoyed it, and I'm going again tomorrow. I'm auditioning for a new play on Sunday. I've been spending time with my sister and her new baby. I actually had a good day yesterday

 

You're doing great, under such hard circumstances.  It sounds like you're making a bunch of small-ish decisions that are healthy and positive and good for you that are slowly adding up to life changes and better feelings.  I hope you have more and more good days and more opportunities to do things that bring you enjoyment.  Wish I could hang out with you!!!

[Jen]

"Feel the fear..." I read that book when I was preparing for my last child's birth. I had had two cesareans, and I was planning a homebirth. I had done tons of research and I had all eventualities covered, but I was still worried that something might go on. Birth is as safe as life gets, but we all know life isn't always that safe. I had to embrace the idea of "Do it afraid." And I did, and it was amazing and wonderful and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world.

 

I'm having a hard time applying it to this wid life, though. I don't know why. I hate the misery and despair, but it's familiar and weirdly safe... like my granny used to say, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't."

 

It's such a roller coaster, and I loathe it. Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. I can't seem to hang onto the good ones long enough to avoid the crashes that follow. I wish I could just be okay with being okay and stop chasing good. Okay should be enough, shouldn't it? If it means I can be done with the terrible?

 

Hugs, y'all. Thank you for listening and for encouraging me.