There it is

[mikeeh]

I feel like I am reacting to this in such on overblown and melodramatic way.  That everyone has been through a breakup and they just get over it.  Here it is over a month after she broke up with me and still every morning feels like the day after she did it.  Every morning the loss and the tears and the emptiness.

 

Just like after I lost my wife you mind finds a new way to feel the loss as time right out of the blue.  It is doing it again.

 

Today I am sure that I will not hear from her again, ever.  That the missed connection was her last statement of goodbye to me.  One last reassurance to me that I am special enough to her that she still misses me, but not special enough to be with her.  Once she said that she was done. 

 

I placed my own missed connection to say what I needed to say about us.  Then as a reaction to one of the public posts on FB that seemed directed at me I posted another MC.  If she saw it she knows I am still checking out her FB page even though I can't see much, so she knows and will not even post new things for me there.

 

I know you all think that these posts and communications she posts are manipulative and not healthy for me.  I agree, but thinking that I will never, ever hear from her again or talk to her again is a very painful thought to have.

[Mizpah]

I know I am torturing myself but I can't help it.  Maybe someday I will, and maybe I will start to feel better but I just can't muster the strength right now.

 

Hahahaha, I like how you own it!  I believe that one day you're going to be sick of suffering and not want to be complicit in it anymore.  Until then, moan and wail if that's what you need.  I used to feel (and probably still do - just haven't gone through anything like this in a bit) that the best way to get "through" or "over" something is to let yourself truly, deeply, all-encompassingly suffer hardcore.  You seem to be nailing that one!  I'm sorry, buddy.  I hope you get some mental/emotional/soul relief soon. 

[RobFTC]

I used to feel (and probably still do - just haven't gone through anything like this in a bit) that the best way to get "through" or "over" something is to let yourself truly, deeply, all-encompassingly suffer hardcore.

 

I think that some people make the mistake of anesthetizing or distracting themselves from pain, and I think that leads them to be disconnected from themselves; I used to be there.  My last relationship opened me up a lot, and after the split, I wanted to try to keep my heart open and not go back to how I was before.  I think a positive plan and deliberate focus on regrowth permitted me to not wallow in the grief and loss too badly.  And new things are swirling around for me.

 

Mike, can you make a plan to add some positive stuff to your life?

 

Take care,

Rob T

[StillWidowed]

I love Mizpah's response and I agree with it.  Let yourself feel the pain and wail and cry and post and grieve the way you need to grieve.  I'm kinda the same way.  I need to feel it, deal with it, sit with it and grieve in my own way and time.  Just like death, breakups take as long as they take to move forward.  In the meantime, when you're having a good moment, enjoy it.  Take it in.  Relax.  Because the wave of grief is waiting to hit again and you need to rest your body, soul and mind when you can.  I just hate that you're going thru this.  (((Hugs)))

[sikeuritgadeun]

Someone said this to me after a heartbreak I was going through:

 

"This is your life and your writing your story.  Don't ever let someone else hold the pen."

 

I'm sorry your feeling so hurt.

[mikeeh]

sikeuritgadeun- that is so much something she would say, and probably has said to me or about life in general.

 

Every time my mind wanders into the reality that she is out of my life forever it just brings such an empty void into my chest.  That is why I think I avoid accepting that she is out of my life.  And I know I won't heal until I do stop trying to hold onto hope that I will get her back.

 

Rob, if I could come up with positive things to add to my life I would have done it while with her and possibly kept her.  I just can't think of anything to add or anything to do alone that would add happiness to my life

[Mrskro]

Oh Mike;

 

I've been following this but haven't said anything yet, mostly because I instinctively didn't like her, and my mama taught me if I don't have anything nice to say sometimes its better not to say anything.  But imo she's manipulative, and unfortunately she doesn't want what you do out of the relationship.  And that's ok.  But she need to go then. 

 

"if I could come up with positive things to add to my life I would have done it while with her and possibly kept her."  This prompted me to post.  I don't think anything you could have done would have made her stay.  From what you've said, a lot of your relationship worked.  So please don't put it ending on YOU! 

 

I wish there was a magic cure for the pain you are feeling, grieve, morn the loss of what could have been.  Do what you need to do.

 

Maybe do something with your son?  Dinner out and a movie?  A friend to go out with for a couple beers and watch a game? 

 

Thinking of you.  Hugs

 

 

[Mizpah]

I just can't think of anything to add or anything to do alone that would add happiness to my life

 

Are you in an area where there are meetup groups?  Some of my friends have done stuff through that, and have had really rewarding experiences and gained great friendships.  I think all of us are lonely and searching for our tribe, even unwidowed people and people not going through breakups.  I think there's a lot of community that we're all missing. 

 

What about outdoor time/sunshine and physical exercise?  Maybe force yourself into a routine of it, like every day at ___ o'clock, take a 25-minute walk - for me, sunshine, long walks and runs by the river brought big mental/emotional health benefits.

[mikeeh]

Alone.  That is the problem.  Anything I do I will do alone.

 

When I was one of 5 kids, sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers in a tiny house time alone was precious.  I would go out on my bike for hours, whole days and be on my own, by myself. 

 

Now time alone is torture because that is all I have. 

 

Anything I can think of to do I have to do alone and that takes all the fun out of anything I might find to do.  The few things I have tried were things I did with her.  Makes it all feel like a pantomime of a real life, or back when I had one.  So not only was I not with her, like last time, but I did it alone.

 

We do have meetup groups here, but they all seem to be ball room dancing or stamp collecting.  I walk the dog twice a day so I do get some outdoor time.  Also leaves lots of time to think.  At least not in the mornings I am walking her in the dark so nobody can see me. Mornings are tough.  Another day without her, without our good morning texts.  How did you sleep?  What do you have planned today?

 

I realize today that she has no more to say to me.  She has said goodbye.  She has given her explanations for why she did it.  She has tried to assure me that she still loved me and struggles with missing me and wanting to text me daily.  How I reconcile that with her continued silence I don't know.

 

I guess I don't. I guess I just have to try and wrap my head around not having her in my life again.

[Captains wife]

Mikeeh - I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you. But going through the pain is the way to get over this relationship eventually. I don't think it as overblown or overdramatic - you are clearly hurting and its positive that you are venting in this forum as a release.

 

I can only offer this, from my experience - I cried almost everyday for a month after my CH2 boyfriend of almost 2 years and I broke up. Some days I would just sit in my pjs and watch movies all day and cry. Sometime I couldn't eat I felt so sick or some days I would binge eat to make myself feel better. Or I also accidentally smashed the front of my car when I saw him on Match.com right away. But then one day (I think about 1.5-2mths later) I woke up and started feeling better, a lot better - I started to see the relationship for what it was, him for who he is and I wrote everything down that upset me (in one place), I deleted all contact with him & photos so I could get him out of my space, I asked him to not contact me again. I forced myself to stop looking at his profiles on Linked in and Match and I deleted him/blocked him on both. I forced myself to stop thinking about him and kept myself busy in other ways (not only dating but going to other social groups, exercising, working, hanging out with my son). I continued to feel better and I hope that will happen for you too. Just need time...so I wish you all the best through what I know is a very tough period. Its hard to make good connections - and its hard to say goodbye, even when they aren't the best or right connections.

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I have to suggest...go with ballroom dancing.

Really.  Try. 

 

There are way more women than men. You'd be doing the women a favor.  You'd get out of your house.  It's hard at first, so you'd have to concentrate. 

 

Foxtrot is the most fun you can have with clothes on.

 

[mikeeh]

Captains Wife,

Just reading about you deleting all contact and his pictures gave me a mild panic attack.

 

I am already sad that the texts on my phone only go back to about a month of active contact.  That means about 8 months of texts and pictures are gone.  Most of them silly nothings but some were very nice.  Nicer than most of the messages I have now from the week before the breakup and on.  I am actually thinking of going to the phone place and seeing if they can recover the lost texts. 

 

I think enough people are telling me that she was damaged and no good for me that I am finally starting to accept it. 

 

Does make me wonder about the last 10 months though and how I could have been so  happy for so long.

[Guest nonesuch]

I'm not sure she's damaged or anyone is at fault or lacking, just that the two of you were mismatched.

 

For instance: You're an atheist? That wouldn't work for me.  And it's something I didn't give much thought to before widowhood.  Late husband was a Christian, and he was my second serious relationship.  It wasn't until I was 54 years old that I gave any thought to this and made it a priority. I want my partner to have a belief in God. This difference didn't seem to bother the man I was dating (though his offhand comment that I was 'really smart for a theist' didn't help his standing in my mind)

 

I don't know what her rationale was.  I would guess that *something* about the situation wasn't working for her. 

 

 

[mikeeh]

She k ew I was an atheist right from the beginning.  Yet we still spent time together and our love kept getting stroger and stronger.  In my opinion, and I told her this, her concept of spirituality was so customized and ephemeral that we basically had the same opinion on life and how to act and who to judge or not judge.  What was important and how to live and treat people.  She had a wide, barely definable concept she called god.  And I just didn't call it god.  To me it was semantics.  We agreed on everything we discussed about that stuff except for the name.

 

I am coming to terms with the idea that we are over I lnow this would not have gone on forever.  I may even have had to end it soon since there were things going on that was really getting to me.  Anybody who has persevered through this whole thread or my other one concerning this relationship can guess what my issue was.  I just wasn't ready for it to end yet.  To me the good greatly outweighed the bad.

 

As I get use to the idea that she was not as perfect as I thought.  Thanks to many of you and my therapist, it slowly gets a little easier to deal with not having her on my life anymore.  I still miss her dearly and I miss even more the idea of having a her in my.life.

 

I don't know if this is healing or dying.  Is the emptiness and love elites an improvement over the pain and the loss?  Is this progress? 

[cathyr]

Yes, this definitely sounds like progress!  Sometimes we begin a connection that we know isn't quite right, but regardless, we continue anyway beyond the point of no return...............until it blows up.  A FWB is always a risk since one can fall more quickly than planned or what the other party had in mind. 

 

Okay, it's definitely the wine talking tonight, but keep telling yourself that "she was not as perfect as I thought."  She may be a fine person, but just not the woman for you. She is not a perfect person, as I'm sure you know you aren't!  Nobody's fault in that, just a mismatch that seems to have been very unhealthy for both of you.  It's not dying, it's learning and healing!  I always look at difficult times as something that will help me gain perspective in my future........as tough as that is!  Just keep getting stronger and know that you will survive this and hopefully thrive even more magnificently! 

[mikeeh]

It doesn't feel like healing.  Especially this morning. 

 

I keep torturing myself by going to her facebook page.  We are unfriended so I can't see much.  There are only a few things she has shared to all and not just friends. 

 

Since our last direct communication and the day she unfriended me, which was a month ago today, she has shared a few things publicly so that non-friends could see it.  They all seem pretty directed at me.  She knows or assumes, or hopes that I still check out her page even though I am unfriended and can't see much. 

 

It is unfair that she still gets to talk to me, lecture me, try to "help" me and I cannot respond. That we can't discuss what she posts or even talk about what is going on and why.  Most everything she posts is all this new age claptrap about life being what you make it, and about healing and loss.

 

The last thing was this thing.  Goodbye is only for those who love with their eyes.  When you love with your heart and soul there is no separation.    So since I am feeling the pain of loss and separation is that suppose to imply that I did not really love her.  That my love wasn't / isn't real?  That definitely sounds like someone who has never lost a spouse.

 

It was actually insulting to me and very frustrating that i can't reply to that and say how dare you suggest that my love wasn't real.  That I only loved "with my eyes", whatever that means. 

 

It doesn't feel like healing.  Especially not today.

[fairlanegirl]

I'd say she is only in love with herself and her own general awesomeness.

[Trying]

She can only talk to you and lecture you if you stalk her FB. Stop looking at it and take that power away from her. My heart goes out to you and the pain this is causing but you know that it's making it worse by looking for messages from her.

[SemperFidelis]

She's a sick fuck. But to each their own.

[mikeeh]

No Semper Fidelis she isn't .  If anyone is the sick one I am.  Because what Trying said is true.  The messages she shares on her FB can only bother me if I go out of my way to look at them.  I have to try and make myself stop looking for messages from her.  That becomes easier as more of these messages she leaves angers and insults me.  The least favorite part of her when we were together is all I get now, and when that is all you get it is unbearable. 

 

This part I am doing to myself.  In a desperate attempt to ease the pain she caused me a month ago but it isn't helping.  I don't know what messages I was hoping to get but not the ones she is leaving.  An "I miss you" or even to hope beyond hope an "I made a mistake" that I know is never coming.

[Guest Justme2]

Respectfully, seems you're causing the pain to yourself. She has moved on, i would take the freight train hint.

[Guest nonesuch]

You can keep your Facebook page and just deactivate your account, and take a social media vacation.

 

Of course, you won't see her posts, or your politically opposed friends sniping at each other.  Or cat videos, you'll have to find those elsewhere. 

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/18/technology/personaltech/taking-a-facebook-break-temporarily-or-for-good.html?_r=0

[MrsDan]

Since our last direct communication and the day she unfriended me, which was a month ago today, she has shared a few things publicly so that non-friends could see it.  They all seem pretty directed at me.  She knows or assumes, or hopes that I still check out her page even though I am unfriended and can't see much. 

 

This is so freaking high school I can't stand it. Really. You deserve better, and when I say better, I mean someone who knows how to communicate fairly. But as someone who tolerated a lot of shit from someone I loved deeply, I understand it's not so simple. In my case, the person in question was suffering from a psycho-physical disease. But while it was not his fault, and there were many wonderful aspects of our relationship, I would never enter into a relationship with someone suffering from that disease again. My sense and hope is that you will recover from this and may even find yourself in a much healthier relationship with someone who can and will give you what you need. And when that time comes, I have a feeling you may find yourself asking what on Earth made you ever tolerate what this woman did, or longed to have her back. But it will take time. I believe that time will come faster if you completely cut yourself off from her. I also believe you know that. And I validate the fact that it is not easy.

[mmg19]

Please read Mrs. Dan's post many times.  Totally agree and she knows what she is talking about.  Sending support your way.

[mikeeh]

I agree with you all.  I am doing more harm to myself by going to look at her page.  I am trying very hard to jot do that anymore, though I have already failed twice today.

 

I hope you are right that I will find someone better and wonder how I ever put up with it.

 

I fear though that she damaged me too much.  That I was already a damaged person and her trying to help me only damaged me more, and possibly beyond recovery.

 

It is hard to be praised for being so open and honest then get dumped for your hobest and for being who you are.  It makes me wonder how I will ever trust and open up to anyone again .