StillWidowed Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 The emotionally unavailable man is back in my life again. Nothing has changed. He's still unavailable in the way I need a man to be in a relationship. I know this. I accept that this will never change. I'm open to dating others and even currently on a dating site. I think he has an idea I am, and doesn't really care. He and I go out and do things and are getting along fine. But my feelings for him have changed. Maybe because I know this man could never give me what I want and deserve. I am seeing him again because there is no one better to see. And I don't think there ever will be. I can't meet anyone in real life or in cyber land. I've honestly tried. I don't want to go endlessly without touch or companionship anymore. It's awful. And I'm still young enough that not having it anymore would be for a very long time. So I'm dating the last man standing. I hate this widowed life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Sending you hugs. It's a hard situation to be in..I can empathize. I am kind of seeing someone who I know will never develop into more than what it is right now..for many of the same reasons you stated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meema Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 I hear you. I'm in a similar situation. For two years I've been seeing off and on a man who says he loves me but is incapable of meeting my emotional needs or acting in ways that feel like love to me. We've broken up several times, and I've briefly dated other people, but I keep coming back because he's by far the best I've found in the last 4.5 years, he's fun to do stuff with sometimes, and it's been better than being alone. I don't know, though. Recently the balance has shifted, the frustration and hurt have built up so that I think I might be better off alone forever than putting up with any more of this shit. I'm finding it very difficult to put that into action, though. Makes me feel kind of sad and pathetic. And really, really lonely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hugs to all who are feeling this way Settling is sometimes necessary but uncomfortable. I've been reading a lot about dating and ways to make a relationship work and one of the things that keeps circling round is that it is never a good idea to settle for a partner's bad (define as you will) behavior. If you have feelings for the person but he or she isn't committing, it might be because there is a vibe that you won't go anywhere, no matter what he or she does. And if you do, it won't be for long. Bottom line, care for yourself and if you can help it, don't settle. You are worth so much more ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted October 11, 2016 Author Share Posted October 11, 2016 Thanks for the responses. It helps knowing I'm not the only one in this situation or feeling this way. I don't believe I'm settling because I'm open to dating and meeting someone else. Trust me, if a man came along that I connected with, invested in me and the relationship, and wanted long term, I'd be all in and this guy would be a distant memory. But that hasn't happened, and now I feel like it never will. Maybe I've officially lost hope. I don't know. So I'll continue to date Mr. Right Now since Mr. Right is nowhere in site and enjoy some companionship and touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Still -- never give up He's out there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TofinoMan Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 You are better off to end it hard and final. Stay single a while until you love who you are and your life. Then find a top quality man...I'll say it again....MAN not a boy. Some real men do still exist. Not all are game players, into immature shit, have loser jobs, can't hold a real conversation. Find a man. He should hold the door. Drive a real car or truck. Have a job that has a solid future. Not live with his dad. Never smoke or do drugs or play video games. Own a house. Max 2 drinks a week of alcohol....and i mean maximum....2 a year is better. Not wear crap in his hair. Dress like a man....and not carry a purse. Date a man! Let others be stuck with the boys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 . . . . Max 2 drinks a week of alcohol....and i mean maximum....2 a year is better. . . . Goodness - if I did that there'd be a number of distilleries that would go out of business. But I was a sailor so there's that. Best wishes - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 You are better off to end it hard and final. Stay single a while until you love who you are and your life. Then find a top quality man...I'll say it again....MAN not a boy. Some real men do still exist. Not all are game players, into immature shit, have loser jobs, can't hold a real conversation. Find a man. He should hold the door. Drive a real car or truck. Have a job that has a solid future. My list isn't really cut and dry like this... Just a man that is my financial equal at least. I would hope that would encompass a home, car and decent job. I have noticed women where I moved...very much settle..And many woman here..divorced in their 30's, 40's...end up pretty much taking care of new man in life. They say "I can take care of myself..I just want someone who is loyal" Being loyal to me is a given in a relationship.. But I will not financially take care of an adult grown man. He could be a school teacher-they don't have to be rich. But be responsible for your own shit. They seem to be few and far between. Probably why I am still seeing casually my guy from Ohio still. He is financially stable and intelligent and owns a home and car. I don't have the energy or interest in pursuing someone knew. That takes too much effort right now. 8) Not live with his dad. Never smoke or do drugs or play video games. Own a house. Max 2 drinks a week of alcohol....and i mean maximum....2 a year is better. Not wear crap in his hair. Dress like a man....and not carry a purse. Date a man! Let others be stuck with the boys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 new not knew..stupid autocorrect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Tofinoman, he's got a job and a car and doesn't wear crap in his hair and everything else you mentioned. I'm talking about a man that will open up and be available on an emotional level. I can't go thru the rest of my life on a surface level. So he's Mr. Right Now, and in the meantime, I still have some companionship and touch. If the bullshit gets to be too stressful, he'll have to go. Right now, we're getting along fine. If a man came along and could be everything I need in a relationship, this guy would be a distant memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 You are better off to end it hard and final. Stay single a while until you love who you are and your life. Then find a top quality man...I'll say it again....MAN not a boy. Some real men do still exist. Not all are game players, into immature shit, have loser jobs, can't hold a real conversation. Find a man. He should hold the door. Drive a real car or truck. Have a job that has a solid future. Not live with his dad. Never smoke or do drugs or play video games. Own a house. Max 2 drinks a week of alcohol....and i mean maximum....2 a year is better. Not wear crap in his hair. Dress like a man....and not carry a purse. Date a man! Let others be stuck with the boys. Mate, what constitutes a 'real car'?! Is there a minimum number of cylinders? My bloke doesn't own a house, but he does have a job and collect guns - does that make up for his lack of real man status ? :-) I do agree about the drugs and video games though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Wow , according to this list I never should have dates my LH. He didn't have a house ,car or probally a real job by your standards. He also wore stuff in his hair and smoked. He was however a great guy who loved my kids and I. We were never well off but, he took care of his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I think what works for some people....doesn't work for others. Some have certain "guidelines" for them...but those aren't for anyone else. -and those needs can change with years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Yes, we all have different standards. NG lives in an apartment that he shares with his daughter and granddaughter, but in SoCal, that costs more than a mortgage. He rides a Harley and drives a utility truck for work. He smokes, but knowing that I don't anymore, he always goes outside when he's at my house. No issues there for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 You are better off to end it hard and final. Stay single a while until you love who you are and your life. Then find a top quality man...I'll say it again....MAN not a boy. Some real men do still exist. Not all are game players, into immature shit, have loser jobs, can't hold a real conversation. Find a man. He should hold the door. Drive a real car or truck. Have a job that has a solid future. Not live with his dad. Never smoke or do drugs or play video games. Own a house. Max 2 drinks a week of alcohol....and i mean maximum....2 a year is better. Not wear crap in his hair. Dress like a man....and not carry a purse. Date a man! Let others be stuck with the boys. I drive a real car and a real truck. However, I do like more than 2 glasses of wine most weeks and I do occasionally play video games! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Apparently I like the boys, as no one I've ever been in a relationship with could have completely passed that man test. But man oh man, can those boys be lots of fun... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 No advice since I am an "emotionally unavailable" man. Sadly, it's true. The better part of me is buried with Laurie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Totally off-topic but - nice to see you again Bear! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Update: We had plans yesterday. I was going to cook and we'd watch football and relax all day. He texts and changes the time due to some bullshit reason. I tell him the preparation and cooking has already commenced and to never mind. When he saw he wasn't going to get his way and that the tactic he used didn't work, he switched back to I can come when you want but topped it with a big pile of attempted guilt. He got no response from me. Same bullshit, different day/week/month/year. Before I would have twisted, turned myself inside out, begged, pleaded and argued with him to come over. Instead I didn't care. I mean I really didn't care. I thought I would wake up this morning and care. Nope. Still don't care. Maybe I'll care tomorrow........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 SW, glad you identified the BS. Sounds like you've got enough detachment to handle his issues in a healthy way. Sounds like you have made some changes internally to better take care of your heart and mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Agreed - SW, good for you! Live your life, darlin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Update to the Update: So we called a truce on the whole him being a dickhead the day he was supposed to come over and watch football. Something really changed with me after that tho. I can't even explain it. The push/pull back and forth......just didn't matter anymore. He called and I was just....I don't know....not up for the conversation so I cut the call short. I NEVER do that. I am actually ok with being a lone lately. Maybe that will change next month, or even next week, but for now I'm good. So enter this new man that messaged me and I decided to respond and continue to respond. He's asking to see me and while so far he seems like a good guy, I'm feeling....well....lazy? Or am I just exhausted from dealing with an emotionally unavailable boob? It's work to date and get to know someone and see if there's chemistry and work out schedules and do the whole background story telling and hold your gas in all night or stock pile it in your pantyhose so that when you take them off at the end of a date, they go whizzing around the room. Yet, this could possibly be a good one. I need my peeps to smack me around a bit...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 . . . and hold your gas in all night or stock pile it in your pantyhose so that when you take them off at the end of a date, they go whizzing around the room. Damn! I thought only guys had to do the equivalent. You learn something new every day. ;D Good Luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrskro Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Or am I just exhausted from dealing with an emotionally unavailable boob? It's work to date and get to know someone and see if there's chemistry and work out schedules and do the whole background story telling and hold your gas in all night or stock pile it in your pantyhose It is exhausting dealing with emotionally unavailable boobs!. And yes it is work to date and get to know someone, and scary as hell, but can be totally worth it if it's the right one! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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