The fifth year has been the hardest

[rooshy]

DH died in 2011 and this year has been remarkably hard coping with his passing.  I don't know why.  My kids are getting older - oldest will be starting high school next year, youngest will be in middle school next year, I am still single.  I haven't managed to meet, much less date, any one.  It seems like the phrase 'young widow' is plastered across my forehead.  My family is starting to pressure me now and telling me to 'move forward with my life', i.e., date again.  To be honest, I haven't had any good relationships with the men in my life - Dad was gone when I was 2, stepfather was a drug addict/alcoholic, and DH self-destructed with his depression.  I am afraid to repeat the cycle, but how do I 'move forward'?

[SemperFidelis]

While I don't have any pearls of wisdom, I understand your hesitation to do the dating thing.... The pattern you've witnessed and experienced would leave anyone with a bad taste in their mouth. Just saying I see why you don't have much enthusiasm for dating.

 

 

[Portside]

To be honest, I haven't had any good relationships with the men in my life - Dad was gone when I was 2, stepfather was a drug addict/alcoholic, and DH self-destructed with his depression.  I am afraid to repeat the cycle, but how do I 'move forward'?

 

Yeah, that is a tough one isn't it? Well, first of all, please realize the fractured male relationships you've experienced earlier in life are not the result of anything you have done or said. It is all on them. If there is any good to be drawn from those sad events, it's that you are in a good spot to now recognize guys with issues right away. That's something.

 

If I might humbly offer a few ideas from a man's perspective on how to get started on a productive dating search; make yourself available at the places decent men hang out. Church, Home Depot/Lowes, the grocery store, sporting events with the kids, etc. Of course, not all men at these places are keepers - but as I mentioned, you should be able to weed out the bums.

 

But even more importantly, do you want to date actively? If not, that's okay, no matter what your family says. But, on the other hand, if you feel ready, jump in. Honestly, it is mostly a matter of attitude - good guys can sense if you are open to conversation, a bit of flirting, and getting to know someone on a deeper level. Head up, eye to eye contact and a bit of a smile are very helpful. Say "Hi" to someone expecting nothing in return and see where it leads. It's good practice to break out of a shell if you find yourself in one. You'll be approached by the crumbs too - but as I said, you can ID them pretty soon.

 

It's not easy to find a good guy, but if you want to hit, you have to swing at the ball.

 

Good luck Rooshy - I'm pulling for you.

 

Mike

 

 

 

[Mizpah]

I am afraid to repeat the cycle, but how do I 'move forward'?

 

The answer to all questions about repeating cycles, for me, are: go to therapy.  I know some are not into it, or have had a bad experience with a not-great therapist, but I think having a place to go where the focus is on bettering the future and yourself and how you feel by working through your current life and your past....  For me, therapy is the answer.  Even therapists I haven't totally loved at first have helped me improve aspects of my life and feel better. 

[Eddienhp]

I am just about to hit 5 years in early November. I have not dated either. My kids are now 10 and 7. It would be nice but I have no free time. Too many obligations as a single parent. People have asked me why I don't date. I told them I don't need to. I found that a lot of people can't see themselves living without a partner. They are the ones who usually ask me. It is whatever is comfortable for you. Do you want to date? If so, Portside had some great suggestions how to meet a nice guy. I will keep them in mind if I am ever ready. If you are not ready or don't want to, try not to let others opinions make you feel pressured or uncomfortable. You have to do what is right for you.

 

For me, moving forward consists of giving my children my time, attention, and the best life possible. I am the only person in charge of their well being. I envision a possible relationship when they are older and more independent.

 

Its good you can look back at the men in your life with clarity. You now know what you don't want in a man. Seeing you have been living alone for a while, you will not be too vulnerable to get into a relationship with a person who has significant challenges to overcome. When you are ready to date, keep your eyes open for the red flags. You will be able to take a step back before you get too invested in the relationship.

 

Decide what you want for yourself. Forget what everyone else thinks you need. You have us here to support you. You will be fine.

 

Sending you strength and peace,

Eileen

 

[Quixote]

The fifth year has been the hardest for me, too.  I think it's when you really, truly realize that this is your new life.  The initial reeling is behind you, but so is the part that follows where you start reassembling the shattered remains of your life.  You've made the decision to go on, you probably have lost and gained friends, and now it's all normal.

 

Except it isn't.  There's still that big hole, and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there that you don't feel complete.  But just finding a random person to fill that hole isn't the answer, in my opinion--  whatever the best intentions of your friends and family are.  To be fair, they just want you to be happy.  But they haven't been there.  As we call them here, they're DGIs--  Don't Get Its.

 

What to do?  As trite as it sounds, find things that have meaning.  It can be a big things, like your children. That goes without saying, I think.  I don't have kids, but I do have two wonderful nieces I realized I needed to spend more time with (they were both very close to my wife)  But little things, too, like a new garden plant, or maybe  teaching your dog a few tricks are worth a lot as well.

 

Hang in there.  Keep breathing.  When you wake up, think "Okay, I will do one thing today that I will find meaningful.  I may not be happy, but I will have done that thing"

[MauiMermaid]

There's still that big hole, and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there that you don't feel complete. 

 

When you wake up, think "Okay, I will do one thing today that I will find meaningful.  I may not be happy, but I will have done that thing"

 

So true, Quixote. That is such a succinct way of putting it. Just about 4 years for me... and I still feel this giant hole in my heart. Even being in a relationship for the past 2 years hasn't filled it. So, I can attest that "being with someone else" doesn't necessarily solve that.

 

Doing things meaningful is the key. We need to fill our cup in different ways now.

 

Big hugs, rooshy. Do what feels right to you. I feel like if and when you're ready for someone else, it will happen. Like you, I had absolutely no desire to ever meet anyone new. I wrote about that so much on the YWBB. Then I ended up meeting someone on an airplane of all places. We didn't even live in the same city. Be kind to yourself... moving forward is what we are doing every morning we wake. xoxo

[SemperFidelis]

There's still that big hole, and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there that you don't feel complete. 

 

When you wake up, think "Okay, I will do one thing today that I will find meaningful.  I may not be happy, but I will have done that thing"

 

So true, Quixote. That is such a succinct way of putting it. Just about 4 years for me... and I still feel this giant hole in my heart. Even being in a relationship for the past 2 years hasn't filled it. So, I can attest that "being with someone else" doesn't necessarily solve that.

 

Doing things meaningful is the key. We need to fill our cup in different ways now.

 

Big hugs, rooshy. Do what feels right to you. I feel like if and when you're ready for someone else, it will happen. Like you, I had absolutely no desire to ever meet anyone new. I wrote about that so much on the YWBB. Then I ended up meeting someone on an airplane of all places. We didn't even live in the same city. Be kind to yourself... moving forward is what we are doing every morning we wake. xoxo

 

Solid words you guys. Thanks for articulating the whole thing.

 

I am nearly 16months out.

 

It's true that I have learned of holes that weren't being filled while with LH, but didn't know any different so wasn't bothered....but NG fills those holes and it's incredible. However, the hole that LH filled is still empty. NG is more than I ever bargained for, but I think I will always have an empty hole for LH. There's no replacement.

 

And yes, I do find myself having to seek out more meaningful endeavors now.... I am on some kind of weird transformational path, confronting old demons I could not have battled before I lost LH. Bettering myself is my current meaningful endeavor.

[rooshy]

Thanks all.  I think that I'll take Mizpah's suggestion and start therapy.  Those bad male relationships still haunt me at times and I need to know how to appropriately put their garbage out of my life before I can date again.  The irony is that I work for behavioral health group but they specialize in Autism and ADHD. 

 

Portside, I did say smile and say hello to a few men at the grocery store this morning.  They were all half my age (I am 40) but it's a start.

[pigsCANfly]

Portside, I did say smile and say hello to a few men at the grocery store this morning.  They were all half my age (I am 40) but it's a start.

 

Number five was a bitch for me too. However, I came out of it swinging. (Not the changing sex partners kind--however topical that may be on this thread, LOL--the boxing kind). I have accomplished more with getting my shit together at my house and in my life in year 5-half year 6 than in the 4 years prior.

 

I have a BF, I just turned 50, and I smile at ALL the 25 year olds LOL--not the creepy Mrs. Robinson smile, just "hey it's a great day smile," and honestly, guys love it cuz many women DON'T smile at them, afraid they will take it as an invitation. It isn't always, it's just "hey it's a great day." Stick with that, you will do more as you feel more comfortable, and YOU will feel just a bit better every time someone smiles back