Is getting remarried worth it?

[daysofelijah]

I've been in a pretty happy relationship with NG for about 1.5  years now. The idea of remarriage is coming up more often, although we're not ready to jump right into it quite yet. I've mostly been the one for it, he is hesitant due to his messy divorce. I think if I suggested living together he would be jump on that idea, but due to my kids and my super religious parents I have told him I'm not the "living together type". He's known that since the beginning of our relationship.

 

The thing is though, at least financially, I have a lot to lose by getting remarried vs. co-habitating. I would lose my portion of LH's survivor's benefits. I'd possibly lose the state insurance coverage we get, and other benefits as far as the kid's school meals, etc. Also NG is upside down in his mortgage and has a lot of debt. I own my house free and clear, and have no debt thanks to LH's life insurance. So if we get married I only stand to lose in that way.

 

I know that getting married is the "right" thing to do, but it seems like also a stupid move for me to make in a lot of ways. Anyone have any experience with this kind of situtation? What would you do?

[tybec]

I could have written your post.  Ditto on all of it.  I only get DH's survivor benefits 3 more yrs.  age 16 of son.  I have no debt either.  I want to model marriage to my son as he was 8 when DH died in a vehicle accident.  NG has messy divorce, custody stuff still going on.  But I don't want to be his roommate.  Will meet with my pastor about marrying in church but not legal marriage.  You don't get your DH's SS either at retirement if you remarry.  All those yrs. of work and it goes back in the pot. 

 

I also started researching if my NG's ex would have rights to my income in some way. Got different views in my state.  Attorney friend said no, but a website says if the spouses expenses go down due to remarriage, then he/she may afford more child support.  I can't have my sons inheritance, DH's planning go to some woman I don't know, essentially. 

 

I totally get what you are saying...

[Sugarbell]

I've been in a pretty happy relationship with NG for about 1.5  years now. The idea of remarriage is coming up more often, although we're not ready to jump right into it quite yet. I've mostly been the one for it, he is hesitant due to his messy divorce. I think if I suggested living together he would be jump on that idea, but due to my kids and my super religious parents I have told him I'm not the "living together type". He's known that since the beginning of our relationship.

 

The thing is though, at least financially, I have a lot to lose by getting remarried vs. co-habitating. I would lose my portion of LH's survivor's benefits. I'd possibly lose the state insurance coverage we get, and other benefits as far as the kid's school meals, etc. Also NG is upside down in his mortgage and has a lot of debt. I own my house free and clear, and have no debt thanks to LH's life insurance. So if we get married I only stand to lose in that way.

 

I know that getting married is the "right" thing to do, but it seems like also a stupid move for me to make in a lot of ways. Anyone have any experience with this kind of situtation? What would you do?

 

 

Don't do it. Not for a good while anyway.

 

Too many loose ends....and even though it's unromantic to say....you might resent him later.

 

Sounds like you have a good thing going. Why add the headache?

[SemperFidelis]

I am also not the "living together type". I will only share a house with NG once we are married.....but not necessarily with a marriage certificate.

 

The good news is you can still be married without legalizing it.  There's nothing preventing you from having a wedding or other ceremony, exchanging vows, committing your lives together and living together, and wearing rings. Your religious family members don't even need to know that there isn't a visit made to the courthouse. And if it comes up, you are married in the eyes of God.

 

You can make other necessary legal arrangements through other legal documents like a will or power of attorney....that kind of thing.

 

NG and I won't be getting a marriage certificate when we get married, for similar reasons.  I lose all my VA benefits if I get a legal marriage certificate..... There's no reason to flush those benefits down the toilet just in the name of tradition or legalism.

 

LH and I got married early but didn't legalize it for about three years, because he had been so screwed in his prior marriage/divorce. We didn't get the legal certificate until there was good sense for it.

[imissdow]

I'm also in the not lving together camp. When I married my LH it didn't make financial sense. He had no assets, not even a car had filed for bankruptcy and was flat broke. I feared loosing my kids health insurance and childcare assistance. I married him anyways. Best choice I ever made. I remember discussing a prenup with him as I had assets. He said " if you don't trust me to do right by you and your girls we shouldn't get married" I did draft a will to protect them if I died.  Don't know what I would do in a similar situation however I also know it's not always about the money.  Benefits end, not getting my LHs social security hardly seems like a good enough reason to me. I still have 5 years untill the youngest Turns 16 and so far no one I want to marry. So lots of what ifs for me.

[Sugarbell]

As far as money...yes you lose your check monthly if remarried...but you still get the same amount...your portion is just distributed to however many kids you have. You would lose his SS at retirement..but if you work..yours will probably be more than his by the time you retire (DH was 34 when he died..now only 9 years later my amount has surpassed his)

 

Health insurance I don't know. if your DH had a pension you will also lose it (I opted for 1/6 of his pension right after he died because their is always the risk it could be gone by retirement anyway)

 

But the other stuff would worry me. My car and house are paid off in full. -At this stage of my life any guy I would marry would have to be at least be my financial equal. But everyone is different...it would cause me too much anxiety to take on another persons financial mess and I know would affect the relationship. But that's me...not everyone feels that way.

 

But I would still wait if nothing else. I get the not living together part...but that would be too big of risk for me.

[Mizpah]

I know that getting married is the "right" thing to do

 

Is it though?  You say "for the kids" and because your parents are religious.  Does being officially/legally married matter to YOU?  Maybe the answer is yes, and that's fine, but it's not necessarily so for many, and that's fine.  The right thing to do could be to protect you (and I'm thinking your kids here too/mainly) financially, while also sharing a life and love. 

[tybec]

As far as money...yes you lose your check monthly if remarried...but you still get the same amount...your portion is just distributed to however many kids you have.

 

 

This part didn't relate to me. I didn't get any survivor benefits until I stopped working full time.  I didn't get it with my child's benefit.  So, this is unclear to me. 

 

 

Don't know the best answer for you.  I am waiting it out for a while.  But it is hard to wait. My NG is the one wanting no marriage legally as he lost so much in his divorce. I would benefit him greatly financially marrying.    I have told him from the beginning I was wife material. 

 

 

Health care for you and yours is a big deal. I pay for mine outright and just received my letter my plan is dissolving. 2nd time in 2 yrs since I went into private business and must purchase my own.  That is what would lead me to work for someone again, or need to be married and get on spouse's health insurance.

 

 

The religious aspect is important to me.  I come from a  strong Christian valued family, and it has worked well for us.  But that is where I need to consult my pastor.  Where in the bible does it say you have to be legally married?  I need more information.

 

 

My DH and I married while in college.  We had nothing.  All we have is due to our hard work, saving, planning.  We even only had one check book for our whole marriage.  I am unwilling to put me and my son in a financial bind.  I am too old to have to worry about that on top of just getting by in this world of uncertainties.  Control what you can as there are too many variables you can't. 

[daysofelijah]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I put some individual replies below. It's sure a lot to think about and my plan for us to get married next summer is sounding less like a good idea. Maybe another year of waiting  and then re-evaluating would be a wiser plan.

 

Tybec, I never thought about NG's ex benefiting from us getting married, ish! It probably wouldn't happen since he has the one son that's still a minor full time and he's already 16. Something to consider for sure though, it sounds like you are doing a good job of thinking of all the possible ramifications of marriage.

 

Sugarbell, I hear you on the resentment possibility. I already struggle with feeling some feelings of resentment for the sheer amount of NG's debt and knowing that a lot of it was acquired trying to keep his then-wife happy. I really don't want to be the one to have to pay for that! Like you said in your second post his financial problems are the most worrysome, moreso than losing the benefits I get.

 

SemperFi, I will look into what a marriage looks like without adding the legal aspect. I didn't really consider that that would be a possibility. It might be a good compromise for everyone involved though.

 

Imisswidow, there's that trusting and I guess "romantic" side of me that says just take the plunge and everything will work out. I did that the first marriage though and it sure didn't work out the way I hoped it would. Trying to be more wise this time I guess, but it's not that the money is a huge deal to me, I wouldn't mind so much  losing the benefits I get. I think it's more taking on his debt that worries me.

 

Mizpah, yes you are right. Marriage doesn't matter so much to me anymore. It's more just to keep my parents happy though, I guess. My mom still has huge influence over my life right now and I'm struggling to break free from it without completely losing my parents in my life. I really think that if I "shacked up" with NG my mom would not speak to me for a very long time, if ever again. She's that serious about her religious stuff. So is losing that in exchange for NG, worth it? Idk.

 

 

 

 

 

[daysofelijah]

As far as money...yes you lose your check monthly if remarried...but you still get the same amount...your portion is just distributed to however many kids you have.

 

 

This part didn't relate to me. I didn't get any survivor benefits until I stopped working full time.  I didn't get it with my child's benefit.  So, this is unclear to me. 

 

Health care for you and yours is a big deal. I pay for mine outright and just received my letter my plan is dissolving. 2nd time in 2 yrs since I went into private business and must purchase my own.  That is what would lead me to work for someone again, or need to be married and get on spouse's health insurance.

 

 

I have heard that my part of the survivor's benefits will distribute to the kids if I get remarried, I wasn't sure though.

 

The health care is definitely a huge issue. We qualify now for full care and coverage through state insurance. If we lost that it could be financially devastating with how the health care system is today. I only casually sub. teach right now, but will probably be looking into a full time job in the next year. Although again with how things stand for me financially it makes more sense for me not to work. I feel like a leach on the system if I don't work though!

[Mrskro]

Pensions are different for different companies.  My LH and I worked for the same company (I'm laidoff).  His pension was "safe" no matter what I do.  I could access his portion in 3 options, transfer to my RRSP, cash payout and pay taxes, or keep it as a pension when I retire. 

 

My pension from the same company, I did transfer out as I was unable to put other beneficiaries on it other than a spouse.  So if I died it goes back to the company.

 

I'm also not a fan of living together.  The other financial things would worry me too. I'm in a good spot, my house and car are paid for.  I've got a nest egg besides what I've set aside from LH's insurance for the kids.  I know I wouldn't want to take on someone else's financial mess.  Protecting myself and my kids inheritance is huge for me. 

 

I'm fairly cynical about marriage, the number of people I know that just divorce, walk away astounds me.  I think marriage should be more about the commitment than piece of paper anyway.

[Trying]

I have been following this thread with interest, NG and I will be engaged shortly.  I was initially very against marriage for a variety of reasons but over time my thoughts have changed.  I am an over thinker and have spent considerable time weighing all of the practical pros and cons as well as the emotional ones.  BF has been very understanding through the process, he was always in favor of marriage but would've done whatever I am comfortable with.

 

We have some financial differences due to his costly divorce and me benefitting from DHs sound planning.  We will do a prenup to protect my children's inheritance and so BFs young children would benefit from BFs life insurance.  I won't be losing any benefits by remarrying other than DHs SS at retirement but that is not enough of a reason for me.  I am self employed so I will gain medical benefits for my children and I when we marry.  We will share expenses after we marry so even though my house is fully paid for, it will be ours.  I am naming him guardian for my youngest son (12) who is the only one still a minor because he will stay in our home and raise him if anything were to happen to me.

 

Then there is the emotional and spiritual part that can sometimes get lost in chapter 2 planning.  I love this man and want to honor that love before God and our families and demonstrate a committed relationship to my children and also to his small boys.  He is now my best friend, the person I trust above all others, the person I want to share my today, my tomorrow and however long our forever is together.  While it's a very different relationship than I had with DH, unique and special in its own ways, I want to honor it in the same way I did with DH. 

 

I think we each have unique situations so I won't pretend to know what is best for anyone else, I share my experience mostly to say that my feelings have evolved over time because of careful practical consideration but also because my grief has evolved to allow me to see that it's ok for me to love deeply again. 

 

Don't ignore any concerns you have, talk openly to each other, and if things aren't clear then don't rush to a decision. 

 

Wishing you happiness in whatever form works best for you.

[klim]

Trying mentions a prenup...I was thinking this was the way to ensure your assets you have now are guarded.....but admittedly I have not looked into it.

 

And as far as your Mom goes  are you sure she would abandon you because of this?...... At this point in life especially after what we've been through  the choice for what's best for you ,should be up to you.....and your mother should respect this.

 

I'm not religious so  I will not be able to understand how a mother could deny her daughter happiness because of a religious point of view. ...I try but I don't get it.

 

I do understand not wanting to disappoint or offend your mother even though you are an adult. There was a point in my life when I was tortured by wanting something but thinking if I did my mother would never allow/forgive me. It took tremendous courage on my part to broach the subject........and you know what at least in my case although taken aback she adjusted....and I was surprised....so you never know.

 

[Bear Tomás]

Only you can answer that question. I LOVE my freedom so even cohabitation didn't really work for me. Laurie and I grew up together and were friends for a long time so the situation was much different for us, I think? Maybe I'm just too old? 

[MrsDan]

For me I'm more worried about how the choice would affect my daughter emotionally. But then, I've never been great with money. I think what makes financial sense for you will benefit him as well, right? Why lose income if a spiritual marriage will do? But I guess you would both have to be very clear that even if it's not legal, it's just as much of a commitment.

 

I love having BF around, and I like the idea of integrating our lives. But I'm not sure about getting married again, and I worry about how cohabitating might negatively affect our DDs. Not because it's inherently bad, but because I to am an overthinker and I've seen a lot of articles on how it negatively impacts kids. Of course, those studies are based on averages, correlation isn't causation, etc. I also wonder if it would negatively affect the parenting time he gets if he's living with someone.

 

I'm unsure about marriage in part because of the way my marriage to Dan ended.  Not just that he died but because of the circumstances surrounding it and Dan's addiction. It's also hard for me to reconcile being married to two men, although I have learned to reconcile being in love with both of them. 

 

If I ever did remarry, the retirement funds Dan earned would go into a trust for DD. I know a lot of people would argue for fully shared assets, and I do think there's value in that. But that money is also something Dan can give to Kiera. He had very little opportunity to do much else for her. I know BF would understand. It has nothing to do with trust or  faith in the relationship at all. It's about preserving the ability for Dan to do something for his daughter. My assets, I have no problem sharing, contributing to his DD's support. I do have some debt I'd like to shrink before getting married.

 

Our other issue is children. I really never thought I'd ever have more children with another man, but lately that has become more open for discussion. I think I would like to get married before having another child. I know that's not an issue for you, but something that may be part of the equation for others here.