I think it broke me

[beth_krkswidow]

I think it broke me.  I really do.  I don't think I can come back.  It's over 5 months and it is no better.  I don't know how to go on.  I certainly don't want to go on.  I'm just broken. 

[Quixote]

Everyone here has their own answers.  I don't know what yours will be. But I hope you find it

 

My answer in those terrible early days was that I had to care for our dog. Stupid, huh?  It wasn't some high minded thought like "life is a gift" or the cliched "she would want you to be happy".  It was the fact my dog needed to walked in the morning.  Got me moving, even though I didn't care anymore.

 

You'll never stop hurting.  But eventually that hurt softens and you start learning to live again.  But not today.  Today, just do what it takes to get through

[Bill1972]

It broke me too.

hugs.

[TornApart]

It does shatter you into pieces. I am so sorry. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get more bearable over time. One breath at a time and focused on the smallest things, as quixote suggested. My cats kept me alive for over a year when I didn't think I could survive, wasn't sure I wanted to. You slowly put all those shattered pieces together. And you are proud of your strength and endurance. Once you realise you can survive this terrible experience, you know you can do anything. Please trust us on this. I am almost 4 years out, and it took me over 18 months to feel like life was worth living. But it is. It truly is.

[beth_krkswidow]

Quixote,  Bill, and TornApart, thank you so much for responding. Hugs and thanks. So much

[Julester3]

I think you can still function and still feel broken. I feel broken still but I can function and find causes to justify doing something. I have a lot of love to give and I know what drew my husband to me. I could potentially make someone else feel loved with what I have to offer but I feel too broken to give what I have to anyone out of my inner sphere. I never intended to have to contemplate giving any love to anyone but my husband, children, family and friends. The unbearable hurt can overwhelm you but not thinking of the big picture of life and focusing just on the small snapshot of just yourself and your immediate surroundings can be enough to get by.

 

Hugs for you today. There is no race to be run. Be easy on yourself and make tiny goals. I can be proud of myself if I can get dressed for the day and simply leave the house for anything versus staying in my yoga pants and never going out.

[beth_krkswidow]

"Hugs for you today. There is no race to be run. Be easy on yourself and make tiny goals. I can be proud of myself if I can get dressed for the day and simply leave the house for anything versus staying in my yoga pants and never going out."

 

Hm.  Yup.  True.  Thanks.  And thanks for the hugs.  Much needed.d

[Wheelerswife]

Yes. Losing a spouse breaks us, each in his or her own way. But it doesn't have to "trash" us. Some of us take longer to rebuild. We are changed. We can not go back to who or what we were before completely, but that is kind of the same as when other major events in life happen.

 

I know that the death of my second husband broke me harder than the death of my first  husband. I don't know why I wasn't as resilient as I was after my first husband died, but that is my reality. It has been almost 3 years since my second husband died, and I am approaching another big change in my life. I hope that I can make another transition with grace instead of collapse.  Perhaps the bigger factor was the unexpected circumstances of my second husband's death and the immediate serious health issues that followed.

 

I don't think very many people feel too solid in the first months after the loss of a spouse. I don't think that how you are doing at that point is a good predictor of future functioning. Hang in there and try not to look too far into the future.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

Once I fully accepted the reality of my situation, I realized how broken I was and it took a long time to recover.  The whole ordeal - which for me lasted through two traumatic years as a caregiver and at least two years to pull myself back together after he died (its now nearly four years since he died) - changed me inexorably, in both positive and negative ways.  Yes, something broke in me that can never be repaired, but I am no longer broken.  Over time the difference between those two things became clear but I sure couldn't make that distinction for a very long time.  Sending you all support and hope. 

[serpico]

I'm not sure it's accurate to say you'll never stop hurting.  In my case the hurt did go away over time.  I'd just hate for you to believe that you'll always hurt when that may not be the case.

[calimom]

Five months was the deepest darkest time for me. How you feel now is very likely not how you'll feel as more time passes. Trust me, this does get better for most of us. It takes time, and it takes some work on your part. Things will ease up, hang in there.

 

And do keep posting and making connection here with others in your timeframe. It helps more than you know. There is so much support here.

[beth_krkswidow]

Thank you

[SoVerySad]

I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a hug. Around the 5 month mark for me, I started to feel so much worse. I had been warned that could happen, but I could not imagine the pain could get worse. Then it did. I was sure I was completely broken. I truly was, I think. People told me it would get better, but it didn't for quite a while. I had several others traumatic issues occur after his death, so I had to put my grief at his loss aside to deal with those, so don't be worried by my timeline. It was skewed by those events.

 

I can tell you that although I was broken, I have begun to put myself back together again. Slowly, piece by piece. I've realized once the pieces get put together, I'll be different than I was before I was broken. Small pieces of me were lost along the way. My life is not going look like it did while my husband was here, but I have started to live again. I have color in my world where there had been only darkness and grey. I think this is the first year I've really noticed again how beautiful the trees are since they changed colors. I'm singing to myself again. I can't tell you how it happened. I guess it just took this much time FOR ME. It is different for everyone, because each of us has unique circumstances and personalities.

 

One thing I kept going back to was a member here, Wifeless, replied to me early on and told me to remember I wouldn't always feel the way I did then. When I felt totally lost, I would repeat those words to myself over and over. It took me a while to actually feel a little better. I still have days where it feels really hard to be without my husband. But I'm managing it now. I've had glimpses of hope I'll be happy again, as I've genuinely experienced it at times.

 

At your stage, I really didn't think I could stand it. Just know that there were many of us who felt the same way and we're finding or have found our way through the pain to live life more fully again. I truly had to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going through.

 

Tight hugs...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Soryashusband]

When I saw the thread title, I thought "That's exactly how I feel." Like there's nothing left to put together.

[beth_krkswidow]

Yup.  So sorry you feel the same way.  So sorry we're here.  Hugs to you. 

[Soryashusband]

On one hand I'm glad to have other people who understand what I'm going through. On the other, I wish no one else has to be going through this as well.

[MR]

Same here yesterday was 3 months. Some days I don't cry much but some days can't stop. It seems life has stopped for me and I am dragging it forward for kids.

 

Hugs to everyone

[beth_krkswidow]

Yes.  Life has stopped.  Existence.  Just going through the motions.  My reason for living is gone.  He was my everything.  I hit it out of the park with him.  Grand slam.  I want him back.  It still hasn't gotten through my head that he really really is never ever coming back. That I will never ever see him again in this life.  Why can't I wrap my head around that? 

[Wheelerswife]

It really takes time to process this kind of loss.  Some of us really need to say this over and over again, to ourselves and to whomever might listen.  That is some of the beauty of this board.  We get it, and you can ramble on to your heart's content to try to wrap your head around this reality.

 

I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the loss of my second husband.  Even though I had been through this before and I had come through the darkness and found goodness in life, I couldn't even rely on my own experience to recognize that I truly could come through the darkness again.  It has taken me longer, and I can't really say that I am out of all of the darkness yet, but I know I am moving forward.

 

I understand that other people's words aren't always that convincing.  But as Portside said recently, there have been a lot of people on this website and its predecessor that no longer come here...and that is mostly because life has improved and they are much less focused on being widowed.  Some of us more seasoned wids come here to try to support newer wids - I come here because it was important to me when I was new to see people further out who had walked this road.

 

I will say, though, that some of the best support you can have is from people who lost their spouses in a similar time frame as you.  They are the people most likely to understand where you are right now.  Find them.  Connect with them.  Go to the chat room in those long hours when you are alone.  I met some great people in the chat room when I was a newbie...

 

Sending hugs...

 

Maureen

[beth_krkswidow]

Thank you, Maureen.  What was the old board and why did it end?  I see Ywbb and don't know what it stands for.  I figured out the YW, just not the bb. /Thanks for coming back for the newbies.

[Wheelerswife]

YWBB was Young Widows Bulletin Board.  It closed just prior to this board opening...because, I understand, the moderators had moved on in their lives and no longer wanted the upkeep.

 

It was sad to see over a decade of wisdom just disappear.  I'm grateful that some members of this board immediately went to work and set up a new board so we could migrate to a new place. 

 

Again...all of you newer wids...reach out to each other.  There is a private message feature here.  Don't be afraid to use it to send a message you don't wish to have public.  Ask if there are people who live near you.  Meet for coffee or lunch or dinner.  You will be amazed at how strangers can quickly become friends.

 

My first large bago was in Dallas/Fort Worth Texas.  I had only "met" people through messages on the old board or in the chat room.  There were 25 of us there that weekend.  That's a lot of people, I know.  But we became fast friends.  We had fun.  If you see the bago pictures that Wifeless posted, you will see people smiling.  That is because we are amongst people who get us and don't question how we can be laughing one minute and have tears of sadness trickling from our eyes the next minute.  Mostly, though, people find themselves at home with other people who understand our losses. 

 

I'm rambling now.  My message...connect with others.

 

Maureen

 

 

[piecesofapart]

I am sorry for the reason you are here...but glad you found us.

 

This is truly the best place of all places you can be right now with those who honestly know what you are going thru and will listen and support you.

 

So please feel free to post anytime as much as you want and anything you want- we "get it"- 1000+!

 

This board has helped me so much in so many ways..that I want to try to give back and give new widows hope that they too can learn to live again.

 

My husband completed suicide 3+ years ago...I recall the first days and weeks...and remember that unbelievable pain and how it too broke me. I know it's hard to believe now...but since I've been thru it- I feel I can share that the pain does get manageable if you are willing to reach out and do the things it takes to manage your pain and try to heal from the sorrow…. When you are ready….

 

There will be many cycles of shock, disbelief, guilt, pain, anger, deep yearning for them and loneliness and pure anguish…and more tears than you could ever imagine. What I’ve learned from going thru the cycles many, many times, is that, really the only way to truly heal is through it – and to just ride the tides of grief and yes, many times it will feel like you are lost in the ocean, just keep swimming as best as you can…

This poem helped me to put grief into more perspective and understand what to expect a bit better.

 

A cut finger

is numb before it bleeds,

it bleeds before it hurts,

it hurts until it begins to heal,

it forms a scab and itches

until finally, the scab is gone

and a small scar is left

where once there was a wound.

Grief is the deepest wound

you ever had.

Like a cut finger,

it goes through stages,

and leaves a scar.

But how do you face each day until that happens?

 

What got me thru was just taking one moment at a time, remembering to eat and drink water and sleep when I could- if only in little bits. Some days you don’t want to do anything- and that’s OK! Just do what is most important even if it’s only breathing, feeding yourself and resting. Grief will take a lot out of you- so be gentle with yourself and know everyone processes and goes thru it in their own way.

 

My schedule was all out of whack the first weeks- as my life was turned upside down. Going outside- and taking deep breathes...even if it was at 3 in the morning...listening to calming music helped me a great deal and posting here-as been my sanity- everyone is so supportive as only those who have been there can be.

 

If someone asks what they can do- when you have a moment of clarity- make a list and let them pick what they feel they can do for you.

(i.e, mow the grass, do laundry, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, make a meal, etc. – people in the first weeks want to help- let them- it helps them to heal to. However, sadly they will heal and move on with their lives much more quickly then you- and the help won’t always be there- so take it when it’s offered-.)

 

That being said- you'll need to find more in person support than your family and friends can give.

 

There are many on-line groups- which are great- Widda.org IMO is the best and most active- and many on Facebook too- Grief Unspoken is wonderful as well, because you can get support at all times of the day and night. I've learned that getting my thoughts out-helped release them and prevented them from going over and over in my mind so I processed them and began to understand them and accept them.

 

When I was ready to go out and face the world, I found grief groups thru the local hospital and churches- met some nice people who truly understood my anguish. Being able to talk openly and also shed some tears with those who were going thru the same loss was very helpful. (thru the local hospitals hospice division I found a FREE therapist- even though I had nothing to do with the hospital or hospice they were willing to help me- and just being able to talk freely to someone who would not judge me, and just listen- helped a great deal in the first few weeks.

 

It was hard not to dwell on him being “gone forever” but I tried to think of the positives and not let his passing destroy me...as that is not the legacy of his memory I wanted to leave. (He is still with me- death ends a life...not a relationship- so I still talk to him everyday- and have learned to be in tune to the signs he leaves for me to let me know he is still with me...just on the other side.) If you believe in signs too- there is a wonderful group on Facebook- Heaven’s Hellos.

 

Please reach out, I promise it will help.

Wishing you peace....

 

[beth_krkswidow]

Thank you so much,  for taking the time, both of you. Means so much.  Hugs of gratitude

[Raymond]

Hello, my wife of 25 years passed the last day of this summer after our battle with cancer.  She suffered two strokes as a reaction to chemo.  The first she came back from but the second we lost a good chunk of her mentally and physically.  The last month I was more of a caregiver than anything else and I did in deed break.  You could talk to my wife but not with her, almost akin to dementia.  The last stroke had great effect to her emotional centers (which I look back now and believe it a blessing).  She had an emotional aphasia and didn't laugh, cry, anger etc. .  .  one night while tucking her into bed I lost it and puddled on the floor weeping.  Apologizing to my wife, my best friend and mother of my children that I was breaking, the year long battle was fraying the edges.  I crawled into bed and cried with my head on her chest.  She, in her matter of fact tone told me it was okay, "I broke you".

 

Her birthday is one week away, she would have been 47.  It will be three months on December 21, which coincidentally was the date of her first stroke.  Her words echo in my mind.

 

Oddly, I take comfort in my pain for it reminds me of how great was my love.  If you choose to live life with love then you also have given the power to those you love to shatter you . . . to break you.  Lately my mind has twisted the echo to hear "I love you", instead of "I broke you".  I think my love chose those words wisely, so many meanings behind them.

 

You do not get over grief, around it, through it, under it  . . . you learn to carry your loved one's water, as you each did for one another when they were alive.  The weight never changes only your strength to carry it does. 

 

 

 

 

[Julester3]

You do not get over grief, around it, through it, under it  . . . you learn to carry your loved one's water, as you each did for one another when they were alive.  The weight never changes only your strength to carry it does.

 

That is so true and you put it so eloquently.