practicing gratitude?

[jlp]

OK, I've been having a big ol' pity party the last week or so -- not one thing in particular, just a lot of little things.  Tonight while watching the news I realized that I do have a lot to be grateful for, which is not to say I'm not entitled to feel my gut-wrenching grief from time to time.

 

So, I guess my question is:  has anyone tried practicing gratitude in the midst of their grief and has it helped and how much?  I know I could probably just look around me at the good things, but is there more that can be done?  I'm not particularly religious, but am open to Bible verses that might be uplifting.

 

Just wondering if anyone has done this, had any luck with it and has any suggestions.

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Early on, I felt like some sort of Pollyanna with my talk of silver linings and gratitude; it truly helps me though. 

 

My semester that started in late January 2013, I had to tell my students that my husband was going to die imminently and that they would at some point get an email from me to let them know that I would be gone for a few days.  When I sent that email on February 4th, I got a response from one of my freshmen telling me her mother died from the same disease when she was about my daughter's age.  We became and still are very close.  I made it my mission to be her cheerleader and biggest supporter (she holds my department's biggest fellowship); I let her know she could come to me with anything, big or small and that I would hear her out and help her work through it.  She floundered her first year, almost losing that scholarship she couldn't stay in school without, and I had to give her some tough love but I stood by her and made sure she knew the door was always going to be open.  She and my daughter became close.  I take her and her boyfriend out to dinner occasionally.  It might be a little unorthodox but there has been so much joy, so much healing, in this relationship.  She has become a stellar student, a super-star in her chosen medium (I teach in an art school) and will graduate next year and go off into the world.  I am grateful for her and also grateful to have been a part of her journey. I've learned a lot from her.  An 18 year old taught me we could survive.  I helped an 18 year old learn that she could thrive.  I still believe in the silver linings. 

[ManutesGirl]

There's a thread called "three good things" that was started by Chemie a few years ago for exactly that reason.  I did see that someone has that thread going here.  I always enjoyed reading it and seeing how people did exactly that, express gratitude for the good things while in the middle of a really sucky journey.

[Guest Munsen]

I have tried to practice gratitude in my grief and at times its been very hard to see the positives in my situation.  As time goes by though, I am finding the splashes of joy getting brighter and more long lasting.

 

I compared my grief to being immersed in terrible darkness then something positive would occur and it would be like a match flaring up and flickering out almost as fast as your eyes could register it. Then those flashes seemed to last longer and come closer together. With that the darkness faded to deep grey and now at 4+ years out I feel like the old light is back. Maybe more muted than before but much improved from the early darkness. And I'm grateful.

 

That's not to say that it came easy to me but it did come albeit slowly and with many a slip backwards. For some personalities, it might have come sooner than it did for me and perhaps, it'll take longer with other personalities. We are all different but I would say that trying to see the 'bright side' of my life did help me.

 

And I second reading the "Three Good Things" thread. It is so easy to see the negatives when we first face loss that it is a good exercise (mentally and spiritually) to try and find the good as well. <3

 

 

 

 

[lcoxwell]

I have made a point of practicing gratitude, as well.  For one thing, losing my Kenneth made me realize just how short life really was, and I wanted to make sure I appreciated the good people/things I have in my life.  At first, I started with something small and easy, posting on the "Three Good Things" thread that Chemie started, making a special point to post on the really bad days.  It helped pull me up out of some of my darkest days.  Thank you, Chemie, for starting that thread.  You will never know how much it meant to me.

 

The other thing I did was make a concerted effort to let the people in my life know just how grateful I am to have them in my life, and to thank them for all the wonderful things they do.  I actively practice gratitude by saying, "Thank you!" much more frequently than I ever did, before being widowed.  I especially do this with New Guy, because one of the things I worried most about, after Kenneth died, was whether I had told him often enough, just how much he meant to me, and how thankful I was to have him in my life.  I never want New Guy to feel as though I am taking him for granted, and I truly am blessed to have the relationship I have with him.  One of the things that has made our relationship a good one, I think, is because I have practiced gratitude, especially with him.

[Lisa]

Ive been doing this.  One of my friends would go to sleep at night with an alphabetical gratitude list till she got sleepy

[widowat33]

I have tried to remain grateful and positive, sometimes things really do just suck though!

I believe positive thinking results in positive attitudes and I know I can't be happy if I'm negative, but some days I struggle to find positives.

One thing I have reminded myself throughout this journey is that I do have a lot to be grateful for: family, friends, etc..most of all I found love and even though I lost him, I will never lose that love we shared, it will always be a part of my heart!

Sorry to go off topic a bit, but yes in my opinion positivity helps, but I remind myself that rose coloured glasses aren't always best to have on either, some things are what they are and it's hard to put a positive spin on everything!

 

[anniegirl]

Lots of people do and I think if it works for you - go for it.

 

Just don't get down on yourself if there are days (weeks) when it doesn't appear to be helping because sometimes knowing that your life surface-wise isn't awful doesn't always help you reconcile yourself with losing the one you love. But it can't hurt to remind yourself that you do have things to be glad about.

 

Practicing gratitude falls under the "fake it til you make it" category and it's a valid coping tool.

[IfIonlycould]

This is something DH and I did many nights before bed, we would each write three good things in a notebook. When I came across that notebook early on I read it and it was a punch in the gut, a cruel reminder to all I had lost.  I had a VERY hard time practicing gratitude the first few years, I really did, that's just me being honest.  Yes there were things to be grateful for but I just couldn't get far enough out of my grief to feel gratitude for ANYTHING.  That was how deep in the hole my mind was....

Now I practice gratitude, I give thanks, sometimes for very small things, sometimes large but I find the act of stating gratitude helps me to heal.  I am back to writing three good things again, sometimes in the notebook, sometimes I did it on YWBB, I think I will start to do it here as well.  Again though, I honestly could not feel it the first couple of years.

[Mac]

It's been 33 months since Cindy passed. Gratitude is on overdrive and I try to give thanks on a daily basis. In no particular order, here are some of the things that come to mind today.

 

I am grateful for the many years of friendship, love, kindness and adventures that I had with Cindy. It has put me in a really good place for this phase of my life.

I am grateful that my children are doing well and that they are so affectionate and expressive with me.

I am grateful that my children are supportive of the possibility of my having a new woman in my life. It seems like it is a bigger goal for them than it is for me. They seem to think that it would lead to my highest state of happiness.

I am grateful that I love myself, have confidence and a positive self image. It seems to be on overdrive in this "new life." I do believe that surviving a tragedy like this does have the ability to amplify much of the goodness of life and raise to us to a higher level of appreciation.

I am grateful for my BIL. He has been such a great friend.

I am grateful that I married into such a wonderful family, they are kind to my children. It makes it easier for me, knowing how connected my children are to all of them.

I am grateful for my faith.

[jlp]

Thank you, everyone!  I will be checking out the "three good things" thread.  I loved your ideas and suggestions -- thanks!

 

[mmg19]

1.  Grateful to be in church today.

2.  Grateful for my family who continually support me with love and kindness.

3.  Grateful for the time my family shares with my boys. 

[keeptrying]

I think what is hard is the EXTREME emotions we have losing our spouse. I still can't quite understand that on one side I am SO completely low and devastated, the unimaginable complete sadness I feel deep in my soul.. and on the other hand, I can look at my kids and smile and think, this is the best thing ever, I am so grateful. I can't understand how I can have two completely extreme feelings at the same time. - I want to get to the point where everyone talks about.. Oh I can look back and smile and think of how happy things were. Now if I look back and think of how happy I was I break down and uncontrollably cry. Things that made me smile and I found happiness in now make me sad. - I know the gratefulness is there, it is just that as a widow there are so many intense emotions that it seems to get drowned out by everything else. When you are married, you know what to expect.. When you lose your other half, you don't know what is going to happen one day to the next, what the next day, month, year will bring. It is scary, the not knowing. I wish I had a time line to say.. okay, in this month I am going to start to be happy when I remember good memories.. Unfortunately I have no clue. I am still in denial for the most part. I think that is how I get through my days. I am scared to death if or when I wake up and reality hits me... I am afraid it will drive me mad.. I am scared of losing my mind. So, it is better to pretend for now. There is a lot to be grateful for, I know it. I just want to feel it.

[mmg19]

Bumping up this thread.

 

I've been overwhelmed this week with school starting and excitement and stress of new job.  I'm trying to keep gratitude in perspective.  I'm grateful my boys are healthy and have a good school.  I'm grateful to have a job.  I'm grateful for the family and friends who have supported and loved us through the worst of times.  The "what if's" have been draining me and it is time for the "what is" to move forward. 

[Jen]

I'm trying. I really, really am trying. Today I'm grateful for this forum, and the companions I've found on this dark road. Hugs.

[hikermom]

It comes in fits and starts for me. I usually have to make a conscious effort to do so and, when I'm successful at that, find it does help. That being said, I can't always. I used to get down on myself that I couldn't be grateful but sometimes I just can't. I've learned to be okay with that.

 

As I approached the first anniversary of DHs death, I made it a point to find one positive thing that I was grateful for and posted on FB. This was my way of holding myself accountable for gratitude. It would have been so easy to slip into a deep depression or view the world from the very narrow perspective from the bottom of my pit. Forcing myself to write a gratitude post each day for about 5 days helped me see the bigger picture of my life. It reinforced for me that although his death was devastating, that I was irreversibly changed, that I had many things to be grateful for: a supportive community, a sister who loves and supports me, an amazing daughter, sweet and funny dogs, and the knowledge that I had the love of one incredible person - for better or for worse. Sure, there are times that I rail against this situation and I'm not an idiot - I know that the support of the community can be fleeting and fickle and that my sister and family members can fail me because they have their own lives. But returning whenever possible to a place of gratitude helps me realign my beliefs and energy.

 

Inevitably, when I give in to the negative, I spiral downward. When I focus on that which I can be grateful for, I elevate myself.

 

edited to say that I responded to the OP - not realizing this was an older thread!

 

 

[jlp]

Thanks for bumping this thread -- I needed the reminder.  Unfortunately, I've been very bad about this lately because I never managed to make it a habit.  I think I need to try again.  Having said that, it's been a rather difficult summer -- I can't believe how much people continue to disappoint me and let me down.  I know it's a busy time of year but still, it's discouraging.    I guess I need an attitude adjustment and no one can do that for me but me. 

[mmg19]

Making a real effort to keep gratitude in my head and heart.  I've found when I do my ability to cope and be positive is better.  Not that I don't have to search for it sometimes.  Using a gratitude journal so I can look back and remind myself to not take for granted the daily blessings in my life.  I'm grateful today for the mentor/s who have helped me this summer in preparing for teaching. 

[Justin]

Ever since my wife died, I have been trying to do better in maintaining an "attitude of gratitude". In the early days, this drive as well as a fear of losing memories led me to start a list of all the things that Marsha did for us and that were appreciated by us. I still have that list, and add to it occasionally if a new memory surfaces.

 

I also found that talking about gratitude with friends helped my perspective, as sometimes when I get down I can't "see the forest for the trees." DD and I regularly discuss our feelings, and one is that we feel that we are actually doing pretty good right now. We still love and miss Marsha everyday, but we know that despite this pain we are going to be okay. I think that this outlook is key to keeping us from getting stuck for too long at one time.

[mmg19]

The new colleagues I've met since starting this new job have been amazing.  Patient with me, willing to share tips, giving me supplies I was not here to order last spring, and most of all becoming friends.  Also grateful I have not messed up really bad.