Does anyone ever feel like....

[still_lost]

You've made one bad decision after another since losing your spouse? I feel like I have. If my husband hadn't died, I would've never met the people who I've met over the past seven years. I would've never allowed myself to be so vunerable as to expose myself to so called friends. I was a different person when he was alive. I never needed anyone else because I had him for everything. For the first time in my life, I'm almost forced to rely on other people and ask for help, and I don't like it. The loneliness has made me almost cling to people for companionship, and I've held onto others who I should have left behind. I don't like who I've become, I really don't. The circumstances forced me to change, and in some ways it's been for the worst. I told myself a few days ago that if I keep to myself, and I don't form any attachments, then I minimize the bad mistakes. His death forced me to change, and every decision that I've made since then has caused more pain and frustration. Does anyone else feel this way?

[Adley]

Yes indeed. I can certainly relate, and I am sorry for how you're feeling. I guess we're supposed to learn from all this. What a pain, though. Sometimes the people who love us most are either too scared to talk or put us under the magnifying glass. Then there are those who perceive vulnerability and swoop in to take advantage. It's a hellish conundrum, and while we sort through our own minds we have to sort through the intentions and motivations of others.

  Personally, me and mine need a change, there is an opportunity, and we're going for it. I wish you the very best, and all of us the discernment required to wisely deal with the people in our lives.

      Best, Adley

[Adley]

ps- and I just recently realized that many of my bad decisions have been based on fear, something I always used to conciously guard against. Now I see it, and have to kick it to the curb. It always worked for me before. Good luck!

[arneal]

Totally me after the death of my first husband (yep, widowed twice). First husband was abusive and destroyed my self-esteem. I made a couple of decisions after he died to find out if I was all the things he claimed I was. I got over it quickly and made up my mind not to act like that in the future. Now here I am, widowed again. I made one horrid decision out the internet dating gate but recovered. Have been involved with NG for nearly six months and trying my best not to look back ...

[Frederick]

I have, too. Should have left the old house, and this city, soon after I became a widower for starters. All the bad decisions I made after stemmed from those roots.

 

But...I think I did what I thought was best at the time. I did the best I could with the information I had, and thought it through as best I could under my emotional state.

[Virgo]

I've stayed true to myself and my character. The only thing I've really questioned is my sexual activity, but that's not really out of character for me either. It's just different because I'm not in a committed relationship. That would be ideal, what I want, but it's not my reality.

[SemperFidelis]

If possible, be gentle on yourself.  Its normal to make poor or otherwise different decisions after extreme stress. Totally normal. You cannot control or change the decisions you made in the past(recent or distant) but you can control and change the decisions you make now and in the future.

[Lisa]

More than I would ever like to admit. I'm doing much better now. Keep faith in yourself and listen to that gut of yours.

[momtokam]

Learning experiences......not mistakes.

[Bunny]

I definitely have regrets about how I've handled some things. I am a person prone to guilt and rumination, so if I'm not careful I can let my mind spin out of control. Lately though, whenever I see myself going into that downward spiral, I repeat the mantra 'know better, do better' and then try to redirect my thoughts. I can't change the past, all I can do is let it help to inform me on making better choices in future. its definitely a work in progress.

[kjs1989]

I had always heard even long before I unexpectedly lost D, that a widowed person should wait a year before making any major decisions.

 

Looking back, I see that to be very true in my case. I almost made a complete mess of our family company by an early bad judgment call in asking my BIL ( husband's brother who had not been involved in the company for 25 years) to help run the business. It was a disaster and the company most likely would have been run into the ground under his arrogant leadership. Fortunately, trusted employees in management at the company saw the writing on the wall and stepped up to the plate to fix things and kindly help me see straight.

 

I also think I probably started seeking out companionship too soon. Luckily for me it has worked out, but thinking back to my frame of mind those early months, ugh, I am extremely lucky I met NG. I sure wouldn't advise anyone to take the path I did. My judgment was just not there.

[arneal]

Great points, kjs. My error was related to family involvement too. I felt so empty after being widowed for a second time; this go, I had relationships with LHs family. I suggested future possibilities of certain folks maybe moving in with me. However, I am grateful that it didn't pan out. As I've moved on with my life, I could see major disaster possibilities if they'd been here!