Virgo Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 I do feel guilty sometimes. Then I feel like just giving up on dating and waiting until they're out on their own. Very frustrating! Not just for us, but for the guys too. My guy is very understanding. It doesn't happen very often. I'm thinking if it did, and I was in his position, I don't know if I could stick it out. She went to the gym with me tonight, so we talked about it more. I told her it wasn't just disrespectful to him, but to me too. She apologized. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 Virgo 16 year old daughter - it's a difficult time for some and I sure went through some stuff with my daughter when she was that age. It's good that your daughter apologized, maybe something will change and she can be more respectful moving forward. Or at least more aware of how her actions are perceived. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 So true! We go through all of the normal teenage stresses with the addition of their grief. She has really come a long way. I'm not going to push for that connection. It has to happen naturally, at their pace, but I expect her to always be respectful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 12, 2018 Author Share Posted April 12, 2018 Virgo -- if your LH was your daughter's father, there's something to be said for the father-daughter bond. My LHs daughter, who is in her 30s, did not spend a lot of time with her dad. She was often disrespectful, I think because she wasn't raised to respect parental authority (I've mentioned that she and her mom, who she has spent most of her life with, are more friends than mother and daughter. Her dad wasn't having that). Even after he got very sick she was distant. After he died, I suspect she felt a lot of guilt. I wrote here about her reaction when I sort of mentioned I was dating: I told her that I was having trouble with my garage door opener and my 'friend' said he could fix it; I didn't want him to do so because it was too hot to be working out there. Her response was that I should let him work on it and that he could take a shower since there are two bathrooms in the house, just that he wasn't allowed to take a shower in my bathroom. It was a weird conversation, particularly since BF had already spent the night here several times. I didn't discuss any of that with her and have not said I was in a serious situation with him now. I get that it is very different when you are under the same roof as your children. Even after that, they can be weird My son met BF last year. He was generally polite but as I shared about the meeting, acted up terribly afterward. I was hurt and embarrassed. He doesn't live with me so that does make it a bit easier. Now that BF and I live together, I mentioned that I want to try and have lunch with my son sometime this month. I didn't invite him specifically but left it open in case he'd like to come. My LHs daughter is not my responsibility (except she has stuff here at my house; she has a set of keys from a long time ago when she stayed with us for a little while but the locks have been changed since then. If she pops up unexpectedly, she better have a Plan B since she can't stay here; the second bedroom is no longer a bedroom but a storage area and room for the dogs when I have video conference meetings for work) but I have made it clear to my son that, like you said Virgo, he must be respectful. He is an adult (23 years old this year) and despite having special needs, I expect him to show how he was raised when he deals with people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 Arneal, all three of my daughters were with my LH. Since I started dating I've been open with my girls so they could adjust to the idea. My middle daughter has come a long way, but she still can't get past the idea that if she likes the guy I'm dating she's betraying her dad. Your son definitely should be respectful too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 13, 2018 Author Share Posted April 13, 2018 Ah, the betrayal thing. That's a tough one to work through. Maybe helping her think through what her dad might have wanted for you. Would he have wanted you to be alone for the rest of your life? It's hard to get our kids to think more broadly sometimes. It sounds like you are doing a great job being there for her though, Virgo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 14, 2018 Share Posted April 14, 2018 The feelings of betrayal are hard to deal with, when I started dating I felt like I was somewhat betraying my LH so I can imagine what our kids might feel. If kids had a good connection with their Dad, I think it's natural for them to think that their deceased parent is being left behind or forgotten. My kids didn't want to acknowledge at first that I have a need for companionship and yes even sex (ack!!) however eventually have come to terms with the NG in my life. What's interesting is that I'm experiencing the betrayal issue through BF's two young adult daughters. BF tells me that they feel that they are betraying their step-mother, BF's ex, who semi raised them for 12 years, if they have try to have a relationship with me. It was an interesting first meet & greet with his daughters when they were here for the holidays, it was so uncomfortable that I told BF never again. Maybe an immature response from me but it's not up to me to convince his daughters to treat me respectfully. You are doing a great job, Virgo, thanks for sharing as I'm going through something similar too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted April 14, 2018 Share Posted April 14, 2018 It was an interesting first meet & greet with his daughters when they were here for the holidays, it was so uncomfortable that I told BF never again. Maybe an immature response from me but it's not up to me to convince his daughters to treat me respectfully. Perhaps not but you and your BF are the adults and children, even adult children, will model their behavior after our own. What did you mean by "never again"? Not ever seeing them again? Not ever being mistreated by someone? Sadly, that is not within our power or control. I get it, it was terrribly uncomfortable. But if you hope to have a fully wonderful and open relationship with NG, you will have to address this in some manner. Good luck - it is a bit of a mess. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Trying2breathe- don't give up. Just give it time. I'm not sure what is going on with my NG. It seems like when he takes a step forward, I hesitate, but when I get to his level he backs off. Since explaining my reaction to him saying I love you he has really backed off. We talked Saturday, saw each other Tuesday, and have had minimal communication since. Very abnormal for us. If I don't feel equal effort I naturally pull back, so today we didn't talk at all. Normally we spend all day and night together Saturday. I just went out and did my own thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Virgo i hope you figure out what's going on there, I hate when there's little or no communication, it's hard to sort things out then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 It was an interesting first meet & greet with his daughters when they were here for the holidays, it was so uncomfortable that I told BF never again. Maybe an immature response from me but it's not up to me to convince his daughters to treat me respectfully. Perhaps not but you and your BF are the adults and children, even adult children, will model their behavior after our own. What did you mean by "never again"? Not ever seeing them again? Not ever being mistreated by someone? Sadly, that is not within our power or control. I get it, it was terrribly uncomfortable. But if you hope to have a fully wonderful and open relationship with NG, you will have to address this in some manner. I told BF never again - meaning not seeing them again - because there's no need at this point to go through this again. I don't take his daughters' behavior towards me personally, instead I think it's more about their experience with their father's two marriages and the turmoil that they've all gone through. His daughters don't live here and they visit infrequently. Should BF and I decide to co-habitate or marry, I would make an effort to get to know them. We're not close to any decisions about this, so I am happy to not have to deal with drama in this regard. A fully wonderful and open relationship with NG? Maybe I can achieve this with him, time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 Virgo i hope you figure out what's going on there, I hate when there's little or no communication, it's hard to sort things out then. I know this probably seems immature on my part, but I'm not contacting him. I feel like I was the one making all of the effort since Tuesday. I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm not going to beg someone to spend time with me. I haven't heard from him since Friday. We'll see what happens. Like always, I'm cautiously optimistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 Virgo I don't think that it's immature to back off and not contact him. If you're making all the effort, it's his turn to step up. I do like the attitude of getting out and doing your own thing. The relationship is still new, it takes time to get into a regular routine together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 Virgo I don't think that it's immature to back off and not contact him. If you're making all the effort, it's his turn to step up. I do like the attitude of getting out and doing your own thing. The relationship is still new, it takes time to get into a regular routine together. I've definitely been making all of the effort this week. The lack of communication this weekend just proved that to me. We'll see what this week brings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 I still haven't heard from him. Normally we get together on Tuesday, but I've already decided I don't want to. Unless he specifically says we need to talk about the lack of communication this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 17, 2018 Author Share Posted April 17, 2018 Sorry Virgo Do you think you'll have to tell him straight that you all need to talk about the lack of communication? Might he not get it more than he's avoiding it? Or if he is just avoiding, calling it out now and having the tough conversation is needed. If he stays silent, you'll need to decide how to move forward ... either way, it will be important that you are clear. This sort of thing is so tough ... {{{hugs}}} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 Arneal, he did this once before around Christmas. I was the one who reached out first after almost two weeks of not talking. One of the first things he said then was, "I know this isn't how it works." I don't know if I'll reach out this time. It seems like he's making a choice. I'm not going to try and sway his decision. We would more than likely be in the same spot in a few more months. He's going to have to reach out to me this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 This is tough, virgo. What was going on the last time he did this? Can you contact him to let him know that you value the relationship, yet plan to move forward without him? No trying to sway his decision, instead to hopefully get him to up his game. It would be good to get a guy's perspective here too .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 18, 2018 Author Share Posted April 18, 2018 ^^^ what trying2 said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 18, 2018 Share Posted April 18, 2018 The last time he did this he told me that he gets very depressed around the holidays. He's not close to anyone in his family and he lost a lot of friends in the military, PTSD. It seemed reasonable, but now I'm wondering if it's a pattern. I'll think about contacting him maybe this weekend if I don't hear from him before then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted April 18, 2018 Share Posted April 18, 2018 Boy Jen, this sounds like a mess. I'm not sure I'd pursue it anymore - this is suppose to be fun and exciting for both parties and it seems more like work to me. I guess what I am saying is, for me, if a new relationship is not moving forward, it's dying. If I want to be ignored, I'll go try to get service at the DMV. Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sudnlysngl Posted April 18, 2018 Share Posted April 18, 2018 Boy Jen, this sounds like a mess. I'm not sure I'd pursue it anymore - this is suppose to be fun and exciting for both parties and it seems more like work to me. I guess what I am saying is, for me, if a new relationship is not moving forward, it's dying. If I want to be ignored, I'll go try to get service at the DMV. Good luck - Mike What he said.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 18, 2018 Share Posted April 18, 2018 I agree Mike. That's where my thinking is too. When you're with the right person the relationship isn't hard. I think I'm a little jaded because my relationship with Phil was so easy. It makes me wonder if I move on to quickly now, but I should just go with how I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 18, 2018 Author Share Posted April 18, 2018 Virgo, I would say there is a bit of work involved in every relationship. As a mom, things didn't stay smooth with my son and we've known each other since he was born ;D With a stranger, a new interest, it will take time and work to get to know one another. However, as Mike said, it should not be similar or worse feeling than DMV! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 19, 2018 Share Posted April 19, 2018 I've decided not to contact him. I'll let you all know if he contacts me. In the meantime I'll do my own thing. I have a date this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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