arneal Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Hi, all! I hope I am not out of line by starting this thread. Thanks to SunshineFL, I realized that a different space to share thoughts on budding relationships might be helpful So, I suspect I am not alone here -- there is a relationship space that is between being single and desiring a connection and being in a fully committed situation. To give a bit of my own story, I met NG online and we hit it off; we have been seeing each other since May 2016. He and I talked about our past relationships and he shared that he tends to take things slowly now (as someone who's been widowed twice, I totally get it!). Our situation doesn't fit the 'new relationships - post photos' area since neither of us does much picture-taking. We each have pretty full work lives and spend some part of our weekends together unless out of town for work. Public affection a norm and we are sexually involved. We are navigating this thing and there are occasionally strange hiccups, like my boy dog (a 3-year-old 80lb Black Malinois) nips at NG. It's like he is trying to be the house alpha. He's also still a big puppy, which gives NG a bit of anxiety (who wouldn't be anxious about a large dog acting wild?). Other than that, things are pretty good So, what kinds of pitfalls and pinnacles do others find themselves experiencing as they are growing new relationships? What do you want? What do you not want? Funny stories? Questions? Warnings? Thanks for sharing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Almost 11 months. 1 hr 15 minutes away. Manage every other weekend time, once during the week and sometimes with our kids on a weekend. Divorced dad with his schedule with kids. My active 13 yr. son. WE have activities to contend with that prevent us from getting together. That is a drag. Talking it all out. Good. Respectfully. NG is retired Lt Col. and rugby player, so super masculine. Gives advice about son respectfully. I can handle it but also disagree. So far, so good. WE just spent the weeknight together. I pulled up the 36 questions to ask to "fall in love." We are already open about loving each other, but this was a real intimacy activity. I feel so much more connected and stable in the long term, which we talk about but seems so far away. I knew a lot of his answers already, but still, it helped to do this. 45 minutes but we took 2 hours. So, good conversation. Also, verified to me it is much more than our physical relationship. I am enjoying that part, but wondered if I really didn't have the depth in the relationship, but I do. Good weekend. I can talk about DH, and he tolerates it well. Quoted some movie about a man dating a widow, which meant he really dated her and her late husband. But he has said he hopes as the future goes, DH will e mentioned less and less. I think so as new memories are made. Did put away all pics in the bedroom at his request and only had a family one. Living room okay due to son, also. No photos. Not ready for that. Don't know why. Just not. PS. Sadiversary was Friday and tomorrow is funeral date, 5 year milestone. I have managed it better than any other year. Anticipation is the worst. FB lots of stuff and family did too, and it was okay. NG had heads up for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I suspect the LH/NG dynamic might be an area of careful navigation, tybec ... NG (while not a widower) and I shared our previous relationship stories fairly early. He wasn't freaked out by the fact that I'd been widowed twice, which is refreshing. He had an ugly situation with his ex-wife and I think I may have posted about that conversation here somewhere. He was so nervous to tell me what happened. He asked me to sit down one night (it used to be that we often stood in my kitchen when we talked. Don't know why). Trust me when I tell you I thought we were about to have the breakup before the relationship conversation! He was literally shaking and said that he had been worried about telling me and was so glad to have gotten it off his chest. I felt bad that it had concerned him so much. However, the good that came of it was that he feels very open to letting his hair down about everything, so to speak. I suppose we automatically react in certain ways because of how we've been treated in the past. I am a generally easy-going person and I don't think he was used to that. I don't know if he remembers, but some time ago, he said I was 'easy on the heart'. I thought I would melt when he said it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 NG told me I am "calming to his soul." (swoon) Maybe funny, maybe not. Get a glass of bourbon in him, and he spills his heart to me. Mr. Analytical stone cold sober. Crunches numbers all day as MBA military contractor. Interesting stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 tybec -- I hear you! NG is a technician by day. He is very laid back but you can tell he analyzes and thinks a lot. I like that he lets his hair down with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I don't know if we qualify as budding anymore, as BF (N) and I have been together a little over a year. But the new(er)ness of it is one of the things that makes it very different from my relationship with Dan. I think we've moved, and are moving, at a very healthy pace. Dan and I were together for almost 15 years, lived together for nine, married for five. We started dating at twenty one, and we were only eleven days apart in age. There was a security that we built over that time. A reassurance that one fight or bad mood wasn't going to end it, a confidence that we were both in it for the long haul. And frankly, I miss that. I think some of my anxiety stems from the fact that N has never been married or cohabited with anyone. So I worry about being too clingy, or pushing too hard. I don't remember worrying about those things as much in my early twenties. Maybe I should have, but I don't know that I did. In many ways, I think N and I are more compatible. Or maybe it's a result of my widowhood and the circumstances surrounding it, that make me work harder at letting things go, which makes the relationship seem easier. Maybe it's both. Dan spent a lot of time I think trying to toughen me up; he didn't hold back and sometimes it came off hurtful. His perspective would be, "Why are you being such a bitch?" Because I really think he thought, "You're better than that." N's approach is different. Yesterday I was really stressed out, emotionally overwhelmed about some things. We were on an outing with his family. He noticed and commented that I seemed stressed out. I apologized, and he said there was no reason to apologize, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. Then when we got back to the house and I mentioned I hadn't really eaten much that day, he made me eat some pancakes. For me, one of the hardest things has just been dealing with how radically different my life is from before Dan died. Our daughter was just three months old, so parenthood is a huge part of that change. Most of our life Dan and I were childless. I have a different job, am living in another state, am estranged from most of my old friends and family. And I have a boyfriend. I love him very much. But I also love Dan, and wrapping my head around that is hard sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Thanks everyone for sharing. I'm still limping along with BF dealing with his depression. I've worked hard on getting him to a better place, but it's very slow going. I've made up my mind to give it until March and then make a decision on whether to continue or not. You'd think after going on 2 years together we would know each other more deeply. I felt like we did, but so many things have come to the surface in the last two months. I realize there is so much we don't know about each other, and we have to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. Maybe because we are past the "honeymoon" period? I married DH after only 6 months of knowing him, and that was a huge mistake. So I am glad to be going at a better pace this time. He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure. So yeah, this relationship stuff is pretty rocky right now. A big part of me knows it would be more healthy for me to move on, but then a big part of me loves him and I know he loves me, we need each other, we are good together. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 MrsDan -- I completely get your point about children; NG's youngest daughter lives with him but he's been talking more and more about moving further east (closer to work); she doesn't want to go because she would be further away from her mom and where she works. He is estranged from his oldest daughter and has been for quite some time. He shared about his kids early on and so did I; having a special needs adult child from an abusive marriage and being widowed twice would be a glaring deal-breaker for many so before I invested much I needed to share it. I don't see or speak to my son much but want to see him this year; he knows I am dating and asks me how it's going when I talk with him (it's felt weird having this conversation with my son and then I remember that he will be 22 in a couple months lol). Like you, this is a very different relationship. I married the first husband after ... I don't know what to call it -- it wasn't really dating, I guess just young and stupid connection. My second husband and I lived together for a few years since he was legally separated when we met and then got married; 16 years together and then it was gone. The online gig was weird and now that NG and I have found a regular rhythm, I pray not to go back to it. Seeing him is cause for anxiety but it's fun as well. Like the teenage stuff I never did ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 DoE -- So sorry you are having some bumps with your NG. Yeah, determining the make-or-breaks is not as easy as some might think. Many of us have written about those things in terms of initial meet-ups and online dating (e.g., age differences, activity levels, and hobbies) but there are some things that don't come out right away, which is a double-edged sword as well. If we have something that might be considered a little touchy by others, we might keep them hidden or be reluctant to share it because we don't want to be rejected. Maybe whatever it was, was a poor decision, a mistake or on purpose. Regardless, we must have standards. Don't sell yourself short -- if you are uncomfortable, do what you need to do, friend -- either way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wecouldbeheros Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Dof, don't think it's a "morality" issue that he had a short alliance with someone who was married. He has come forth and told you. Maybe she was looking to divorce, i.e. They were not getting along, etc. it's in the past, he obviously wants to be w you. If you don't let that fully go, you won't get past it. Me, I don't think one should say, well let's see how the next three months go, it is putting barriers up. If someone is not stuck on partners or situations of the past, it seems having doubts will only resurface, and negatively affect the future. Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure. Wow. The fact that you're still going 'over it and over it' tells me this could be impossible to let go of. And yeah, I agree with you about it being a reflection of his moral boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure. I understand if it is a deal-breaker for you; it is not very admirable behaviour, but then again the guy is only human, and he was not the married one by the sound of things. Over the years I've had girlfriends involved with married men who never thought they would be. It has never turned out well, but none fit the image of the 'scarlet woman' and all have gone on to happy marriages themselves. Sometimes life isn't black and white. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Great point, fairlanegirl: I never expected to be widowed twice ... it's tough to share that with friends, much less a potential new love interest. We never know what will be a deal-breaker for someone :-[ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 DoE, I understand your difficulties with the revelation. It would be a moral issue for me as well, but I suspect I would have as much of a problem with him keeping it to himself until now. My BF kept something HUGE from me until after the first few dates. I completely understand why he did; the circumstances were complicated and such that it makes sense why he held off. Plus, he had no obligation to me on those first few dates. He did want to tell me, and after a few dates and phone conversations he did. I am very understanding about it, but still, I wish it hadn't needed to be that way. In your case, I mean two years? That would bug me. I'm sure it wasn't easy to tell you, but after everything I've been through, "It's hard" doesn't really fly with me as an excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I am feeling a bit better after this week. I had a counseling session for the first time in about 3 years with the counselor who helped me get through some grief stuff. It went well. BF got the paperwork turned in and has a counseling appt set up for the week after next. We had a big talk on Monday where I laid down some things that were not acceptable that were going on (drinking too much, complaining and dwelling on all the negative constantly) and he's made an effort this week to improve. So I'm a little more hopeful. We had a really great night together last night watching movies and cuddling+ in bed, and that is something I really cannot let go right now either. I need the connection I have with him that way. DH was my first and only, and it just wasn't good, it was something I avoided as a chore. With BF it gets better and better even 2 years into things, he's taught me so much about what it means to make love, not just have sex. Even if we don't work out long term I will be forever grateful for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 Can totally relate, daysofelijah; my first husband was abusive and was my first. I learned nothing about intimacy from him and like you, avoided it. My second husband taught me a lot but I think the residue of experience from my first marriage prevented me from really enjoying myself. Plus, with his health conditions, our sex life had been nonexistent for quite a few years. I really appreciate spending time with NG in that way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 "So, what kinds of pitfalls and pinnacles do others find themselves experiencing as they are growing new relationships? What do you want? What do you not want? Funny stories? Questions? Warnings?" Good questions ! I have found myself in an interesting place after 4 years of serial dating and finally now in an early committed relationship that I think has the potential to be long term. But its so interesting getting to know someone intimately again, from scratch. And you never know what you'll find out during this journey. So far, so good - but who knows ? (Ive honestly seen almost everything at this point so I try not to think too far ahead). Daysofelijah - I hear you on the intimacy part....its so great to really find that. BUT one thing I am finding out is that I have become so comfortable on my own with my son that I find the prospect of co-habitating again quite daunting. (Does anyone else feel this way?) I also remember the number of issues I had living with my LH and I'm in no rush to repeat that. I wish I could see NG more but there is also something nice about having my own space, and space with my son alone. I'm pretty independent, including financially. NG is a quirky guy (health nut, kind of eccentric, into his certain routes and way of doing things) so that has taken some getting used to since he has been staying over - but I like him a lot so it hasn't phased me really. He has brought up potentially co-habitating down the road but I feel myself very, very cautious about doing this (or even thinking about it) - especially as I can see that it would be me having to do all the accommodating (ie moving his way, which is even farther away from work for me, given his situation with his son and his ex). And given all the time I have invested in developing relationships in my community and given my son is in a great school (plus I don't deal well with change these days), I have doubts about wanting to relocate for someone - even if it is down the road and even if I am crazy about him. This is a big question mark that I don't know how to handle but I guess will cross that bridge when I really come to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Captains wife, as someone who is recently cohabitating I can relate to all of your concerns. I am definitely set in my ways and fiancé lived as a bachelor until age 47 except for a few short married years. I worried about him not only sharing space and routines with me but with my 3 kids full time and his 2 parttime. We have definitely had some adjustments and compromises to make but honestly it is really nice to have another adult in the house to talk to, to eat dinner with, to share chores with and to fall asleep next to. 2 years of dating and then a few months of gradual "sleep overs" helped us but we didn't face any big decision of location. His kids go to school in my town and he lived one town away so moving in with me was not a logistical issue. Glad to hear things are going well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Oh, boy, yes! The space thing! ;D When LH died, I panicked and at first considered hiring a live-in because I didn't want to be here alone. My son had been placed in a care home for men with special needs a year before LH died, my stepdaughter lives with her mom back east, and so this family of three humans dwindled to a family of one human in quick fashion. Also, I felt trapped all by myself, with no outlet because no one was around to care for my pups if I were to decide to take off. I posted elsewhere about having a conversation with my stepdaughter about coming to live with me and soon realizing that was a mistake (she is 30 and not particularly financially independent). I got past that and soon became VERY comfy here alone. I have my schedule and also have a great sitter for my animals now after developing connections with neighbors (you know I trust her if she has a set of keys and her own alarm code). However, like you Captains wife, I find myself wanting to spend more time with NG. He often stays here overnight on weekends and once we spent a couple days together because I was taking to the airport for a work assignment. Full disclosure -- when he hugged and kissed me good bye at the airport, I cried on the way home. I soon started laughing about it, but wow, I never thought I would be so sappy! Anyway, he has mentioned wanting to buy a house but the market is hideous here. I haven't been so bold as to suggest he live with me, even though I've thought it. Then I think about how much I love my space. Then I think about the fact that I would still have it because he works all day and I work from home; the only things we'd have to negotiate time-wise would be my 4:30am mornings when I get up to go to the gym three days a week. And parking, since both my vehicles are in the driveway (I even figured out a way to solve that). Our acquaintance won't reach its year mark until Memorial Day weekend, so it's still very early in this thing and I am willing to let it play out as God will have it do so. As a side note, today marks exactly one year since LH crossed the Rainbow Bridge. As much as I love(d) him, I woke, thinking 1) it's the first day of my birthday month and 2) of NG. Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I just passed 5 years the 20th. I spent that weekend night with NG which helped tremendously. Last weekend, he had his kids. So, we did a blended weekend night with my son. My son and I stay in the MIL suite upstairs at this point with his boys being little, and that is most comfortable for now. Anyway, went to church on Sunday, and I have been several times now with him. But not with his kids. I am with my son, his kids and him, and I was so sad. It was 5 years to the date I would have attended church on my own for the first time without my DH. Why my brain was going there, I don't know. Widow world...... So, at the end of the church, they sing an upbeat version of "I'll Fly Away." I am holding it together. My son is checking me out, and then gives me a hug. This is the last song sung at DH's funeral, upbeat, by my two nephews. Many have told me it was the perfect song for DH, and they will never hear it again without thinking of him. NG is clueless of this, and singing and smiling and so happy hearing it. He is whistling it on the way back to his house. HOW can this wonderful new relationship still have such strange times of sadness at unpredictable moments? Just our world.... I am passed that feeling, thankfully, and we had our middle of the week time together. I guess it is just going to be that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Tybec it is strange. And yet, it just is. I am moving into this phase where I am really missing Dan's friendship and just him as a human being, not just as my husband or my daughter's father. I am very happy with my boyfriend, he is absolutely wonderful and it feels more and more, I don't know, normal to be in this relationship at this time of my life. But still, I miss Dan. I just miss him being in the world. I miss other people getting to spend time with him. I feel like I am feeling his family and friends' loss more acutely than ever, and, strange as it sounds, I'm finding it incredibly sad that he and my boyfriend will never meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 MrsDan, You nailed it on so many levels. I know you shared you have moved elsewhere, too. I think about how moving forward and away from my 22 yr. old home, community, and NO ONE knows my DH. And, yes, I think NG and DH would have been friends. And I miss the parts of DH that were so complementary of me that are not me. How can it be, so much still comes to my head and heart? How can you love a new person and have this attachment, story with another? I know others work through this with the board responses. Thank you for that. PS Widow friend who lost her DH almost one month prior to my DH's death to a car accident, too. She has been a relationship for 3 years. Lots of pictures on FB. Well, 5 years just passed, and she put on her FB page they are in a relationship. We all know, as they are open. But for some reason, that status change matters to somebody, maybe not her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 BUT one thing I am finding out is that I have become so comfortable on my own with my son that I find the prospect of co-habitating again quite daunting. (Does anyone else feel this way?) I also remember the number of issues I had living with my LH and I'm in no rush to repeat that. I wish I could see NG more but there is also something nice about having my own space, and space with my son alone. I'm pretty independent, including financially. NG is a quirky guy (health nut, kind of eccentric, into his certain routes and way of doing things) so that has taken some getting used to since he has been staying over - but I like him a lot so it hasn't phased me really. He has brought up potentially co-habitating down the road but I feel myself very, very cautious about doing this (or even thinking about it) - especially as I can see that it would be me having to do all the accommodating (ie moving his way, which is even farther away from work for me, given his situation with his son and his ex). And given all the time I have invested in developing relationships in my community and given my son is in a great school (plus I don't deal well with change these days), I have doubts about wanting to relocate for someone - even if it is down the road and even if I am crazy about him. This is a big question mark that I don't know how to handle but I guess will cross that bridge when I really come to it. We've talked about this very generally, basically that we've both thought about it potentially happening down the road. In our case, unless we decided to both relocate together, we would come to live with me (He lives in a rental with his brother and I have my own house). We've talked about the fact that it would have implications for his custody arrangement, but haven't really discussed it further than that. We only live about thirty minutes apart, and he works nearby a few days a week (he has several jobs). Because of his work and the fact that we're both single parents, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. Currently he usually spends the night about once a week. He has said he would like to more, and I would like that too. I love being with him. For me, it's not so much a question of giving up space, but rather autonomy. I mean, I make all the decisions about my house, my dogs, my kid. Dan and I sometimes clashed about décor, or repair priorities, or the dogs. This place is really my own, and I recognize that I would have to adjust to giving up some of that. If he lived in the house with them, I feel like he'd also have the right to have more of a say in my dogs, and that I think would be a bigger adjustment for me. We are slowly getting him more involved in DD's discipline. They have a good relationship, but I've recently given him a bit more room in terms of correction and discipline after he expressed that he didn't want to overstep. And of course, the two weekends his daughter is with him would be with us as well. Which would be an adjustment for us all as well. What would our parenting look like? Would we continue to be the main point person for each or our kids? Or would we trade off on parenting duties, regardless of who's kid it is, like getting up in the night when they have bad dreams, for example? Of course with the sacrifice of autonomy comes a whole set of rewards. I have control of the house, but that means all the stuff goes wrong is on my shoulders. It would be nice to share that burden. And quite frankly, despite the fact that I have about a billion other responsibilities, I like taking care of him. And being taken care of. Making him lunch on those days after he's spent the night. Him making phone calls to find out things I need to look into but can't find the time. I do think the benefits are such that cohabitation seems possible, even likely down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 MrsDan -- your post made me smile about the dogs. My boy nips at NG; he's about 80lb and even though he is three, he's just a big baby. He likes thinking he's the Alpha. I had no problem telling NG to pop him on the snout if he nips again, but thinking of the possibility of sharing space, of sharing the pups 24/7, is an interesting premise. I gave that more thought, honestly, than I did to introducing NG to my son (who doesn't live with me) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 So our dog has always been extremely attached to me, wouldn't go downstairs in the morning unless I went down too, wouldn't go up to bed without me (he sleeps in his bed on my bedroom floor), wouldn't eat unless I was in the kitchen. You get the idea. I was always his #1 and DH and the kids were not even a close second. Now enter fiancé and I have been tossed to the curb! Ok, I am a close second but fiancé is clearly #1. The dog literally jumps up and hugs him when he comes home and is attached to him at the hip. Who knew an 8 year old dog could change his allegiance so easily?! Honestly it makes me love fiancé that much more, nothing sexier than a guy who loves kids and dogs😉 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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