For those in budding relationships ...

[Virgo]

Another great night with my guy. We probably won't see each other again until Friday.  My girls schedules are so crazy and just changed again. My middle daughter started her first job. She works with her big sister.  So when she's not working she has choir practice until 9:30. That means I now need a babysitter for my youngest if I want to go out. Her grandparents were with her tonight.

[Needytoo]

Last weekend for the first time NG spent the night at my place. My youngest son ventured out of his room and at least watched TV with us. My oldest didn't venture out of his basement bedroom, I am now giving him the knick name Quasimodo.  I know I can't push him, but it is still a little disrespectful (or is it, help me out on this one).

 

I did bring up the snowblower and he did look at it and to make a long story short it still isn't working. This weekend (with the help of YouTube) I am going to see if I can get it up and working.  I think my lesson on this is I need to learn to communicate better and keep communicating instead of always assuming the worse. 

 

Very happy for you Virgo, it sounds like you made a good decision with NG. I totally agree with you Dating now is so much different than when we were younger. 

[arneal]

Sounds like a good plan, Needytoo. I have always been handy but have become more so since DH died. I love to tinker so any time I can do something around here, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. Glad that at least you got NG to look at the snowblower; maybe the more he thought about it, the more he realized he couldn't fix it and didn't want to say so. It's possible.

 

For those of you who dated when younger, I think this period of time is harder. I didn't date per se (not in high school, first 'bf' became the first husband and I met him when I was about 21) so it's all a mystery to me. I am better at it now, thanks to the boards here and my readings on dating!

 

Oh, communication ... struggling mightily with that one right now. I mentioned it earlier this week (on another thread I think) that BF and his daughter had a major blowup. He's been MIA since, which is nothing new; when hurt, he goes completely underground -- no social media, no text messages, and he's not even playing the video game we're both on. I send short texts each day to let him know I am thinking of him during a difficult time. I don't ask any questions or make requests (like to ask if he wants to come over). When we were together last weekend, I had invited him to a thing tonight; even though I figured then he wouldn't come because of his work hours and the fact that it is over here by my house, I am going to send a message to say that I wish he could be there. We are coming up on the weekend and I had said last weekend before all this that I was going to cook, so my plan for tomorrow is to say I'm still planning on the same menu and hope he'll let me know if he's up to coming out. I will do as I usually do: I will post photos of tonight on social media and will also post photos of my cooking on the weekend I feel bad about what has occurred between him and his daughter (who misread one of my comments yesterday and once I put it in context did not respond) but won't take sides for sure. It's just that I don't know what he expects from me. Hence the plan for difficult conversation the next time we see each other, made more difficult by circumstances ... Sigh.

[Virgo]

Needytoo- I have two girlfriends that I talk to daily. Both give me different perspectives about blending NG with my girls. One is a widow. The other lost her mom when she was 8, so the child's perspective. I think as widows we try to protect our kids from any further pain, understandably. My non wid girlfriend told me I'm not doing my girls any favors by completely avoiding them being around him. By doing that I would be enabling them not to deal with the idea of me dating and falling in love with someone. I have 3 daughters. My oldest and youngest are comfortable around NG already. My middle daughter is always a little resistant, but she's doing better. I told her that I expect her to be respectful to him like she would any other adult family member or friend that was a guest in our home. Normally I wouldn't have had NG around the girls, not so soon, but when we first started seeing each other he helped with our Halloween party as a friend.  The last guy I dated that was around my girls was a friend of my LH's, so they knew him.  They're the only two that have been around my girls. My middle daughter would have full blown meltdowns after the first guy I dated left. We have worked through a lot of her issues by talking it out. She felt that if she likes a guy I'm dating then she's betraying her dad. Anyway, I think gradual interaction is the way to go. My NG hasn't been around my girls a lot yet. Boys might be different, but maybe talk to your son after your NG leaves to see what he's thinking.

[Virgo]

Arneal- Maybe a different approach with your guy could be  "when you do X (shut me out) it makes me feel X. " It's hard when you get shut out because you feel like they would want to lean on you for support. I hope he contacts you soon and everything goes as planned for the weekend.

[arneal]

Well-said, Virgo. Boys can be different, not as apt to discuss what they are thinking or feeling about mom dating and such. My son (as I have mentioned has special needs and lives in semi-independent living) was very polite when he met BF but had a meltdown later. He never told his house mom that it was specifically related to seeing me with someone, who my son said he was happy for me, but his house mom thought it was ... you just never know and have to take it all as it comes.

 

And thank you for that suggestion -- I like how you put it. My only adjustment would be to switch it around (I feel X when you do X) so I am not inadvertently adding to the pressure he is feeling from the whole daughter blow out thing.

[trying2breathe]

I feel for you, arneal, lack of communication would very much bother me too.  I hope that your talking about it with him brings better times ahead for you.  I gently suggest that you not put yourself second, your feelings and your relationship with your boyfriend count too.  I have tiptoed around feelings and have put myself and the relationship second, and it doesn't feel good. Being up front with what you need isn't a bad thing, perhaps the timing of it isn't ideal but he does need to hear how you feel.

 

Needy  My son can be a Quasimodo too    holes himself up in his bedroom and isn't social.  Maybe create a more casual way of doing something together with NG - some kids are socially awkward and sitting and watching TV with you both might be a bit much right now.  Glad that he checked the snowblower, sounds like he gave it a go and that's good.

[arneal]

Thanks for that, trying2: the thing is, if he's gone underground to lick his wounds, nothing will make him come out. He fits the profile of a guy born under the Cancer sign lol. I don't follow astrology or anything but my educational background has made me interested in traits. One thing that I read about that sign is that the men are very much like the crab: stubborn, will go far away from everyone, even loved ones, when hurt and trying to force them out causes pain for both.

 

So, instead of asking questions or anything like that, I've continued doing what I usually do. I went to the thing last night. I got someone to take a photo of me while there. I made a social media post about it. I texted BF and attached it, saying the event will be happening for a few months and maybe we can go so he can see the whole thing. I texted this morning about the video game, where my character is, and that she misses his character I have continued my social media posts. I will go to a local church group meeting tonight; I made it my goal to go at least once per month and tonight will be my first time going. Will send a text tomorrow morning to let him know I am cooking; might make an offer to go there, I'm undecided yet.

 

I am not convinced I will hear from him this weekend. I remember one time I think it was last year where he was off-grid for just over a week and then sent me a text saying he needed to just isolate and deal with the issue. I am thinking it may be the same this go, but if I get that text, I will think of something to text back ... short and kind ... to say that the complete disappearing act is something we gotta talk about

[trying2breathe]

Definitely something to talk about, arneal.  I freak when I don't hear from my boyfriend for half a day - wid thing crops up for me and I wonder if something horrible may have happened.  It's great that you're staying busy, not hesitating to live your life and continue on. I understand holing up and isolating but he should also understand at the very least your need to be in touch to know that he's okay. Hope that the conversation and/or text goes well, when you have it.        (( Big hugs ))

[arneal]

I hear that, trying2. I also go through the gamut of what horrid thing may have happened, but remembering past similar situations (even though none have been this bad -- well, maybe they were but I wasn't involved and connected enough to know it, which is my other consideration!) along with prayer helps. It also seems that he's not had anyone who desires such connection in this way. Sad but true ... it sounds like no one, not even the ex's, cared whether he came or went, felt good or bad, or how he dealt with difficulties. Despite a text to start things off, which is what I think it might be, there will be conversation ...

[Needytoo]

Virgo I think your one friend has a very good point, as widows we want to protect our kids and maybe that isn't the correct thing. My husband and I didn't necessarily have the greatest marriage, we didn't argue or anything like that but my husband hid in the basement and drank. My kids commented how they never saw us hold hands or kiss. NG is a very touchy guy and I know it is different for them seeing this side of their Mother, but I think this is how life should be. 

 

My oldest son (23 years old) and I are having some problems, he doesn't pay rent and does bare minimal around the house. He has no friends but works a lot.  He just bought a new car and paid all of it off.  Not sure about you guys but at 23 I could do that but I also was paying my own way.  I want to let him move out by such and such a date, he needs to start living his own life. Again having the "hard" conversations I have a hard time doing.

 

Arneal I am so sorry that your boyfriend does this to you, I hope you can open up the conversation up to him as well.

 

 

[arneal]

So sorry to hear about your son, Needy. That age through early 30s seems to be getting harder to deal with. I told my son early on that he needed to be independent. It backfired slightly because he didn't have the emotional maturity to work out the "hows" of adulthood. He is okay but in Mom's opinion could apply himself more I am proud of him; as someone with special needs he does pretty well.

 

I posted on another thread that my prayer was answered about BF. I didn't have to say anything. He and his daughter had a nuclear blow-up last Sunday and it hurt him to the core (she's 24 or 25 years old). We were in touch yesterday and the first thing he said was he apologized for not letting me know what was going on, that he was in such a bad way after what had happened, and that his behavior had not taken me into consideration. We talked a bit more about his situation and we will see each other today most likely. I ended the call by saying that I was sending much love his way and he replied that he loved me too. Wasn't expecting that, but certainly progress.

[Virgo]

Needytoo, I was married at 19, built our first home at 21, and a mom at 23. Probably not the norm in the 90's, but definitely not the norm now. I think we as parents do to much for our kids, and they expect it to some degree. My oldest is 18. We have the then vs now talk quite a bit. What I was doing at her age. She's had a steady boyfriend for a year and a half. This causes all new debates and discussions. She is an "adult" and wants him to stay over. He has on occasion when her sisters and I aren't home, but otherwise my stance is "get your own place together. "  Fun times. 😉

 

Arneal, I'm glad you heard from your BF. It's good that he acknowledged how he acted towards you.

[arneal]

Virgo - I remember those conversations with DHs daughter. Her mom let her do whatever in her house but her dad and I were old school. We didn't care how old she was, we didn't permit her to have a man in our house unless they stayed in the living room and we wandered through regularly. Lights stayed on as well

 

Yes, BF is in a different frame of mind after the incident with his daughter last week. Will see him this afternoon.

[Virgo]

Honestly if she was my youngest it wouldn't bother me. I've told her that too. It's just not appropriate with two younger siblings in the house. Plus, it's great motivation for her own independence.

[Virgo]

So, I've been having a rough time lately. Not really with my NG, but self sabotage. This Sunday is my LHs birthday and the following Sunday is his death date. He died one week after his birthday. I don't usually let it bother me, but it's always subconsciously there. I'm sure you all know what I mean. This year though I've been thinking about him a lot. Dreaming about him too. I really wanted to see my NG tonight because honestly I'm weepy and needy. Of course he didn't want to get together tonight. Three other men contacted me about going out. I'm tempted, not going to lie. I just don't want to be alone tonight. I want to talk with someone, a distraction. So here I sit debating. Anyway, NG didn't mention getting together tomorrow so I planned a 3 hour road trip to see my girlfriend. I need it!! I'll spend the day and evening with her. Then come home Sunday. My 18yo and 16yo are working both Saturday and Sunday. My 10yo will be with her grandparents. Normally we celebrate my LH's birthday, but my girls wanted to work.

[klim]

Understandibly a weepy time, especially since you've had a change in routine from past years, with your children choosing to work.( A recognition that they are getting to a place that is considered their new normal?)

Take care of yourself and yes recognize the idea that you are a bit vunerable right now.

 

Enjoy your road trip.

[Virgo]

Thanks Klim! Friday I stayed home. I didn't want to be alone, but I really only wanted to be with my NG. Saturday my friend had to cancel. She had a unexpected family conflict. I ended up going out with my NG and staying the night with him. He was so sweet and understanding. I really think we're starting to "get" each other. Today my girls and I had lunch at my in-laws house. It was nice too. I was avoiding going and my NG picked up on that too as I started cleaning around his house. 🤣

[trying2breathe]

Virgo  Hope the weekend went okay for you, those dates can bring on strong emotions even years later.  I've had a few sadiversarys lately that were tougher than in years past, it surprises me on the cycle of grief as I thought it would get easier and this isn't necessarily the case. Glad that NG is tuned in to your emotions.

[Virgo]

Thank you! My weekend was ok until my 18yo and 16yo got home from work. They were past my curfew for them, so that set the tone. Then it just progressed from there. I had my 16yo go to bed, but my 18yo and I continued on. She basically said that she was hurt that I ended up staying the night with my NG on her dad's birthday. We'll talk more about it today.

[klim]

Oh Virgo that's tough.

 

If you are like me, you try and consider all peoples needs, your's, NG's and your kids. I find it one of the hardest things to do to find the right balance  and whenever there's an emotional time it is accented. Christmas was a blowout for my 19 yr old as I didn't seem to find the right balance of alone time and blended time. ( mind  you,I think there was more then just that going on in his world that caused the blowout)

 

Anyways I hope things settle down on your home front

[Virgo]

Klim, we did talk more about it today. I'll definitely do things differently this coming weekend since a Sunday is my LH's death date. I guess we just viewed the situation differently. It is hard to balance it all out. Especially since we all grieve differently.

 

I took my 10yo to my LH's favorite restaurant for dinner tonight. Her sisters were working. Afterwards we stopped by my NG's house to drop off something I picked up in the store for him. He invited us in to play pinball. We had a great time. I texted him when I got home. Then said goodnight. He called because he wanted to say he had a great time and we should do that more often. He also told me he likes hearing my voice right before he falls asleep. Aw... ☺

[arneal]

Virgo and klim -- totally feel for you both with the transition period. In my case, my son had a minor meltdown after meeting BF for the first time. He got over it and to this day I don't know exactly what the issue was for him. My LH was not his birth father but was the only dad he knew. My son did not live at home when LH died. He has not lived under the same roof with me for more than three years, but since he did something a bit shady (not to me or BF) that day and got caught (I think I shared that story in this thread), he was embarrassed and that's how it came out. The bigger issue has been my LH's daughter. She is still mourning the loss of her dad, who she wasn't close to. That's a whole 'nother story, but suffice it to say, I think it's guilt showing now that he's gone. She doesn't live here as I've mentioned and I've managed to keep my distance. I have not told her that I have BF. I am thinking about whether I will let her know it or if I will let her find out whenever she does, like if something comes up on social media. BF and I are private people, not putting it out there for the world to know that we are in a relationship, so I am leaning toward not saying a word. She is a grown woman and my personal affairs are not her business, but I respect her feelings as best I can because of her dad. I am sure she will have feelings about it, but my mourning is different from the wife-who-was-here (through the worst of illness and so on) than the distant-daughter perspective ...

 

Bottom line, it ain't easy.

[Virgo]

Arneal...no it's not. Since my NG doesn't have kids I sometimes hesitate to share some of the conversations I have with my girls. Especially since some of the conversations are about him and I dating.

 

We're planning on being together Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully I'm not getting sick. My middle daughter isn't feeling well. Sunday is also my LH's death date. I've already talked with my girls about their plans and my plans.

[arneal]

I hope you are not sick either Virgo -- stress certainly can bring on illnesses because of a vulnerable immune system at such times. If you can tolerate zinc, get some! And drink hot pineapple juice to fight coughs!

 

I pray this weekend is one of love and peace as you spend it the way your heart leads.

 

This brings up an interesting point about how differently we all grieve -- for how long, and so on -- which is very much a journey. I think people didn't get my reaction to my LH's death but that's because they weren't privy to the conversations we had around that possibly and who were not there during the hardest health challenges. I grieved as LH declined so by the time he crossed over, I was in a different place. Sure I cried and had many moments. But they were private, just like my life with LH.

 

That said, I am so grateful for these spaces. I found widda a couple months after he died and am still awed by the care and wisdom I find regularly in this community. So grateful for you all who also have walked this path.