I need advice!

[Mrskro]

So my DS was invited to join a competitive rugby club last fall.  He started playing rugby after DH died so it's been a weird world to navigate for him, not having his Dad there.  We knew people at our home club so word spread among coaches etc about his Dad.  Now we've got a second club where it really hasn't come up as it's just been training and parents aren't around much anyway.

 

Anyway, he came home yesterday from training and was off.  Turns out the coach had been asking the kids about whether their parents were going/thinking of going to Vegas (we are competing in an international tournament in a month or so).  When he asked DS, he just asked if "is your Mom coming".  So darling son tells me that he's kinda of upset... does the coach know about Dad?  Does he think Dad just isn't around?  Why does he keep just saying Mom?

 

Well now I'm stressing about it...I don't want the coaches thinking his Dad is a deadbeat and just gone; but I really don't know how to ask?  I'm thinking its because I would have filled out parent information as just me, but there isn't exactly a box for hey his Dad died. 

 

UGH, this just never gets easier.

 

 

[Trying]

I totally get how you and your son feel.  In those new situations when it comes to my kids I have a strong need to make sure people know that their Dad did not choose to not be around.  Can you maybe just send an email to the coach explaining the situation?  In general I think teachers and coaches appreciate knowing about our kids home situations. 

[sojourner]

Totally understand how, as you said, you "...don't want the coaches thinking his Dad is a deadbeat and just gone."

 

My youngest is still in high school, and we moved to a new district last fall. For just such a reason as you said, I've made a point of noting to her teachers and other school personnel that she lost her father, in whatever context I could work it in. It's something which still powerfully affects her, so it's an important part of her total picture.  (Being as she was adopted, when my husband died, it was something of a double blow to her- after he died, one of the first things she said was that now she'd lost 2 dads... unknown reasons for her birth dad, and then dad dying.)

 

I look at it as kind of a preemptive strike, to avoid negative assumptions about her dad and help avoid some awkward situations. People sometimes assume her parents are divorced, and then apparently assume her dad is just a no-show.

 

She's been having a lot of illnesses this year, and I also mention it with new medical people. Same reasons.

 

I think finding a way of letting the coach know would be worthwhile, either in an email like Trying said, or finding an opportunity to talk with the coach in person. Then work in something along the lines of how you "wish his late father could be there to see him play" into the conversation, if you want to be more subtle/less direct about it.

[serpico]

I live in a small community so everyone knows my kids' situations, but even if you don't, couldn't it be possible that the coach knows your son's Dad passed away?  Kids talk and coaches talk - I bet he already knows.

[Mrskro]

Thanks for the replies...  I doubt he knows, I'm not in a small town and this coach isn't from here anyway.  It's an invitational regional thing, all Ontario. 

 

I think I'm gonna have to put on my big girl panties and talk to him. 

[klim]

I'd just email..

[trying2breathe]

Mrskro  DD and I moved to a new city a year after my husband died.  DD started at a new high school, where we didn't know anybody.  She joined the school's volleyball team and I attended most every game solo, sitting with Moms, Dads and grandparents, etc.  I never mentioned anything to anybody, and in hindsight I wish that I had.  Not only from the perspective of others that might have possibly thought that my daughter's father was absent and just didn't give a crap, but also because my daughter could have used some compassion and understanding at a difficult time.  The coaches may very well know your circumstance, regardless, it would probably make you feel better if you mentioned it. 

Good luck ~

[bdean38]

I'd let him know. As someone mentioned, teachers/coaches like to have an idea of home life. My late wife was a teacher and would appreciate when parents gave her an idea of what was going on at home.

[momof2obs]

I'm sure the coach would appreciate any insight as to what is going on at home.  I know that my children's teachers and coaches were glad to know about my husband's illness and eventual death.  I'll never forget how happy they were when some of them came to the wake.  The show of support meant the world to them. 

 

Your son's coach may just say something one day to let your son know that he knows and he is there for him