What Do You Share

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey Fellow Wids.

I am just over 4 yrs out and I have found that there is so little of my thoughts and feeling about this widowhood journey that I share with others in my life.  I find I am much more tolerant of insensitive behaviour because I know they just don't get it.  Why would they? Plus, I'm not interested in hearing the unsolicited opinions from the unknown that think they know what they are talking about. I mostly come here because you just get me.

How do you deal with it?

[Needytoo]

Well, that is a good question.  Now what is my answer.  ??? Early in the journey I did share and maybe overshared and then got mad at people because I didn't like their response.

 

Now I don't announce to the world I am a widow. I think the last time I did was 8 months ago. Is this a good or bad thing, especially when you would like to start to date again?

[Trying]

I have never been one to share my feelings or troubles with even those closest to me. This has caused me to lose a lot friends post widow because in the beginning I couldn't stand people feeling sorry for me then I had no interest in hearing about their normal every day issues while I was in so much pain. Then my kids started struggling and didn't like feeling judged. I shut people out and now that I am at almost 4 years out and beyond active grieving I regret some of the people I shut out of my life.

 

I did and continue to do most of my sharing here and with my therapist. 

[Portside]

Normally, I talk to others about being widowed in the same fashion as I discuss other aspects of my life. I'm open about the experience, challenges and growth as a result of it.

 

I find most folks are simply curious about things they don't know about. Sure, I get some boneheaded questions now and again, but not often enough to mention. 

 

So, I answer questions simply and directly, most times.

 

Good luck - Mike

[KrypticKat]

As you go along you're journey you start to identify those you can be open with and those you can't. And I think that's a good thing. You're right that most people just can't get it. I honestly wouldn't want them to because I wouldn't wish this level of 'enlightenment' on my worst enemy. It sucks.

 

I have learned to tell the difference between those that don't truly care and are filling their own needs (trying to look good, morbid curiosity etc) and well meaning people that just don't get it. I keep the second camp close and try to be patient. It's hard not to want to burn all the bridges sometimes because this is such a rip off. I hope at the very least you get the comfort and support you need from this forum and your therapist. Kk

[jgib]

I don't share much.  I find that other widows/widowers and cancer/chemo survivors understand the best.

[klim]

I don't share struggles because I'm pretty strong and that has not been my underlying need. ......But I do share my life dealing with my kids probably more then I used to basically because I don't have partner. I need to share the ups and downs I'm having . Luckily for me I have colleagues who care and listen to me, advice me and celebrate with me.

The part I don't share is my journey to recouple( ok it's not a secret but I don't devulge detailed thoughts). I never was a sharer in this department.

[Guest Metv]

I just be myself and let others wonder.

[Mizpah]

I don't tell everyone, but when I am in a new friendship, there's always giant relief for me when I (intentionally casually) mention in passing "my late husband," or something like that.  I never make a big deal of it, but there's just this huge relief for me in saying it.  It's almost like by not saying it, I'm hiding something and by saying it, I'm done with that burden. 

[klim]

oddly enough I never say Late husband...I say husband.

 

 

I had someone fill that in for me in a three way conversation once....as in I said my husband and the one lady said "her late husband...."as if i needed to designate....

 

....maybe I should think about this....but honestly I don't have another husband at the moment...and if I did would I have to refer to him as my present day alive husband???

[Bunny]

I started using 'late husband' after the first time I used husband and boyfriend together in the same sentence and saw the confusion it caused on the other people's faces.

 

I am pretty open about my widowhood. It's shaped the person I am today and I can't stand the thought of not ever being able to talk about him- like he never existed or is some dark secret...he was my best friend for 17 years! I've actually gotten into some really amazing conversations because of my openness. The world is filled with people afraid to talk about the dead stuff- but it turns out there are loads of people who just want the freedom to be able to talk about their dead.

[Guest Metv]

^^ yes. I used to talk a lot about her, now it's as if I bring up the topic, someone immediately gets fidgety, so I mostly keep it to myself. It's like some great big dark secrecy. Occasionally talk about it with my older daughter. She's the only one who gets it.

[BrokenHeart2]

Yes Bunny so true.  My own siblings won't even talk about him.  I think they are afraid it will make me sad.  I have told some of them I want to talk about him but they still won't.  Weird if you ask me.

Metv, my 2 stepkids like to talk about their Dad but only about the fun stuff he/we did. Maybe it's still too painful for them to talk about when he got sick.  They are still young being in their 20's.

[Bunny]

I don't like to talk or think about his last two years AT ALL. If something triggers it, tears sprout from my eyes and I use all of my energy to stuff that shit down as best I can. I just can't go there beyond the vaguest of references to it. when I talk about my husband it's usually in a passing anecdote of some sort related to the conversation at hand. It doesn't go any deeper than that unless the other person chooses to take it there. I tend to keep it light and matter-of-fact and that helps uncomfortable people power through the momentary awkwardness and secret mourners to feel open with me.

 

I used to be positively obsessed with everyone knowing I was widowed. I'm letting go of that desperate need slowly over the years, but I can't imagine a time where I just shut that door completely. But who knows? Widowhood continues to surprise me even after 5 years.

[jgib]

I started using 'late husband' after the first time I used husband and boyfriend together in the same sentence and saw the confusion it caused on the other people's faces.

 

Thanks for the smile, I needed one today.

[Monique]

I'm trying to learn how to work it into conversations with new people... the phrase "late fiancé" just sounds so awkward though. I love talking about him, but the first time I tell someone is always so uncomfortable.

[KrypticKat]

My own siblings won't even talk about him.  I think they are afraid it will make me sad.  I have told some of them I want to talk about him but they still won't.  Weird if you ask me.

 

It could be they aren't dealing with the loss well themselves or it's just common backwards thinking from people not understanding grief. As if they could inflict more pain on you. And as if they could remind you as though you've forgotten.

 

Like you'd be at the grocery store going 'lets see...eggs, cheese, bread...oh crap my husband is dead. I totally forgot!'

 

You don't forget...ever. that's why it's kinda funny/sad they avoid it to avoid reminding you. My friends and family do the same.

[BrokenHeart2]

Thanks KK that was too good! LOL "cheese, bread...oh crap my husband is dead. I totally forgot!'"

Nothing more to add LOL